Feeling trapped

[Pevac]

Hey guys !!

 

I have never been in a situation where i did not normaly know what i need to do because at this point i am to weak and emotionally unstable to take a decision , so here i am seeking other opinions to help me set my mind straigth and maybe some one was in the same position that i currently am in , i have been seeing this girl for over 9-10 months now it is still nothing major serious since most of the early months we were just barley seeing each other or 1x a week etc , but after 4 months we started getting more serious and started sharing much more , we both are the type of people that dont like to feel vulnerable and show to much to each other cause we are both afraid of getting hurt again (since both of us had bad previous experiences with relationships) so it always felt to intense and took thing really slow .

 

As things started to get more serious we started fighting a lot and very aggresive (Shouting, name calling, etc) no physical abuse what so ever, after noticing whats going on i pulled back and insisted we stopped the way we comunicate and start talking softer and very calm to each other , i was able to do this because i think much more logically then she does but she has a lot of communication issues (Dosen't really know how to express herself correctly) and she hated the fact i use logic to think about certain stuff when some things are obvious or i try to help her out with a situation and give straigth out facts etc she just called me Cold and i dont have any empathy for her , which made me realize shes to sensitive so i have always had to be aware of what i have to say to her to not trigger her or make her angry etc.

 

This put a lot of pressure on me that i am not able to be myself and speak my mind with her since i have to be carefull and this stressed me out a lot. We both have a lot of commitment issues which i believe led us to a very dark place (Not able to commit or fully trust each other) but i was the bigger man and i tried to talk us out of this , suggesting that if we want to try this we have to improve a lot of stuff , such as communicating , trusting each other , showing one another that we care etc so i started caring for her and supporting her throughout everything when she brought a problem to the table i made it mine and helped her as much as i could , she did the same but shes not very supportive or dosen't know how to be .

 

the fighting and arguments never stopped because she cant put herself or understand another person's perpective that much , since i was more emotionally stable then her in this relationship my bad moods were short-term if she had to make me mad i would get over it pretty fast and move on , her on the other-hand when i did something stupid she would be mad for a whole day with me apologizing and showing her im sorry but she needed more time then i did and i was fine with that i gave her the space etc , and she would always bring the past into everything when we have a big argument (Which we agreed bringing the past is only gonna make things worst) but when shes arguing she makes it bigger and blammed me for being to cold and selfish even tho i was showing her much more that i care for her .

 

It's not all bad cause when shes in a good mood there is no other person that i would spend time with, shes uplifting, funny, positive , fun and so on but i seen this side of her not many times , and this is the part im stuck with and so confused , i know who she can be and i love that character i fell for that but it just seems that with me shes much more negative then positive but i actually settled down for i know she has mood swings problems and flips out etc but i controlled everything and i actually didint mind it , but one thing made me just loose it completely in the last month everytime we fought and i said stuff like (These fights are so tiring, fighting about silly stuff and being angry about it, and you can't just drop it) that she would respond with "Whats the point of seeing me then if i make you tired" and stuff like "Just go home" or "Don't talk to me then" that made me angry and aggresive and i just left . And then 2 days later we met and i told her that i have a bad mood because i have some work problems etc and all i wanted is to just talk with her chill out etc, but first thing we do when i arrive she started arguing about silly things (Cause i forgot to bring 1 item from the grocery) and i even told her that it was a misscomunication and i offered to go get it real fast , but that didin't help out she just kept stretching this out and then my mood was just ruined that i ended up being rude and impolite with her cause i was fed up , and in the process she brought up the past again and argue about irrelevant things that was just extra , she did worst things then i did in the past and i was able to let go but she coulden't do that . I did my fair share of stupid thing but always apologized for it and showed that i am truly sorry , but she could never apologize and told me why should i be sorry for something that i am not , and i just felt really bad when she said it like how can't you just take a step back and let things go how can we move forward if you bring out the past every time, and this escalated into a huge fight that i just left for good and blocked her out of all social media cause i could not take more of the same things.

 

So now im stuck with the fact that should i be with someone who's just putting more effort into staying mad and not fixing stuff , then just let some things slide and move on , i mean i am doing that from my side and i know if she tried that aswell we would just be happy, everybody argues its normal but stretching things out and bringing the past is just to much and deep down this really made me feel **** cause i know shes crazy about me and i am about her cause we can have a lot of fun but it just seems like the negative outperformes the positive but at the same time i know were not good for each other but me being crazy attracted to her is making me weak to just let go of this and end it , because everytime the breaking up conversation comes she always tells me "Well if that's what you want then just leave" and puts all the pressure on me that i am the only one wanting this even tho shes not saying it shes kind off showing it to me with what she is saying .

 

Sorry about the long post just trying to get a clear head and understand if im going crazy or not

[Maggiemay1]

The relationship IS going to end.

Pick a date when that is convenient for you!

 

Neither of you were ready for a relationship when you first got together and neither of you dealt with your past relationship issues prior.

 

Of course this was doomed to fail.

 

End it and concentrate on being a happy single for probably a year before you date again.

 

Sorry!

[Pevac]

Yeah deep down i know it , and i agree with you 100% , i had no problem with cutting ties in the past but with this one its so hard i got played on a 4 year relationship and i have been single for 2 years before this and i felt somewhat ready to try again , its like i forced myself into trying with her and i do believe i did more then she did and i think if she had to put all the bull**** to the side it could of worked out and i just think that now its beyond repair with trying to fix our situation i guess all break ups hurt differently didint expect a 9 month one would crush me more then a 4 year relationship, i have never been attracted to some one the same way i am to her, its just a crazy feeling to just kill the switch, i guess the only option left is to man up and accept the truth and take it in while feeling like im making the biggest mistake of my life ??*♂️

[Maggiemay1]

Toxic relationships are the hardest to get over.

Basically you spend the entire duration of the relationship to convince either her or yourself that it can work , when it ends you feel like all that effort was for nothing.

And it was effort with no return.

Think about your long term past relationships? You likely put in less effort? But gained more? Doesn’t matter that it didn’t work out. That’s life.

 

But why are you putting in any effort into something that definitely won’t work out???

[Pevac]

It does feel toxic a lot and that is what damaged me , i know all the facts show that this is never going to work out and im the type of person that i just dont know how to give up i keep wanting to push it because i believe in reality if there are 2 people pulling the same rope and wanting the same thing anything is possible , so deep down its somewhat hard to swallow it and the fact that she cant just say it straight to me that were over is keeping me hooked, as silly as it sounds if we had to sit down and both say we are done trying i can start to move on, but as i mentioned she tells me all that stuff to just “dont talk to me then” or “dont come see me then” or “then just leave if u want” but can never say it straight like we should break up or i dont want you anymore, but then has days when shes super good to me and that then plays with my head a lot and confuses me in ways that i cant even understand what i want or need so im ending up as you said putting in effort in something that i know is long gone ..