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Blindsided or Did I Miss the Signs?


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I met a guy in February on a dating app. He’d been divorced 6 years (wife left him and he was devastated), no kids, was in a 2 year relationship and she broke up with him and moved to a different country back in November. I’ve been divorced a little more than a year and have 2 kids who live with me part time.

 

We hit it off really well. We both went into it saying we only wanted something casual but as things progressed, we talked about how we really liked each other and didn’t want to see other people. We spent everyday that I didn’t have my kids together, went on weekend trips together. I met his family and friends.

 

When we weren’t together, we texted everyday. Just a quick hello sometimes. I did feel something lacking in his communication when we weren’t together. He wasn’t an expressive type of guy so I never got much of the “I’m thinking about you” type of text. However, he went to another country for 2 weeks and he started sending me messages about how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. He even asked me 2 months into the relationship where things were going and if I wanted more kids because he wants kids in the future. I told him at that point I couldn’t answer that right now as we had just started dating.

 

We continued on like a couple, though I felt he never really wanted to define the relationship. His family called me his girlfriend but he always seemed hesitant to put that label on us. Yet, he was always making an effort to see me despite our busy schedules. He made plans for trips in the future, including one in September that happened to fall on my birthday. He told me when we were together how much he liked me. This continued on for about 5 months.

 

Last weekend, we went camping with his friends. In the car, I asked about whether or not the September trip was happening. He said he and his friends hadn’t planned out the details yet. And then he said “I was thinking of taking my sister.” I was surprised since he had asked me. I told him I didn’t understand as he had asked me to go and now it seemed like he was saying he was only going to bring his sister. He said he didn’t necessarily mean that, yet he didn’t say he wanted me to go either. He told me he wanted me to do what I wanted to do on my birthday. I told him I wanted to spend it with him. He said ok. The rest of the weekend went fine. We had a great time camping.

 

Two days later, he asked me out to dinner. After dinner we went for a walk and that’s when he dropped the bomb.

 

He told me it seemed like I wanted a more serious relationship and that he wasn’t ready for that. He said our timing was bad. He said he needed time alone still since he never really had a chance to do that because his break up was in November and we started dating in February. He said he felt I needed time alone too. He told me that he had said when he started dating that he only wanted something casual. I reminded him that we talked about not seeing other people. Of course, I asked if there was someone else and he said no. I asked if “I’m not ready, I need to be alone” is code for “I’m just not that into you,” because I’ve used that on someone I broke up with in the past, though the truth was I just wasn’t into him. Of course, he said no.

 

I told him I never asked him for anything more serious than what we were. He said that based on my reaction (I had started crying), it’s obvious I wanted something more serious. And when I asked him if he was seriously breaking up with me, he said “I don’t really know what we were so I don’t know that breaking up is the right word,” which totally floored me.

 

I asked him to take me home. I should note I was not sober. I had been drinking at my neighborhood block party prior to him picking me up for dinner. I also had wine at our dinner. So buzzed me asks him to come in so we can talk more. He said he didn’t want to come in because he said he didn’t want anything to happen (I.e. us end up sleeping together) but he would talk to me in his car. So we spent an hour talking about this break up, which I barely remember because I wasn’t sober. I do think I was emotional, and he had told me in the past that growing up, his mom was emotional and volatile so he shuts down when he’s confronted with emotional people.

 

So, after an hour of god knows what I said, I got out of his car and he left. And drunk me texts him about how hurt and angry I am. He didn’t respond. Next morning I wake up sober and send a message to apologize for the text rant and saying I wish we had talked when I was sober. He replied “I understand.” I then said that I felt blindsided but I understand he wants to end it and be alone. I want him to be happy and I had a lot of fun with him the last 5 months. He didn’t reply. That was two days ago.

 

I’m hurt. Though it was only 5 months, we spent a lot of time together and shared a lot. I felt he acted like he was really into me up until a few days before he broke up with me. I’m sad that he has not responded to me and I don’t understand how he could have shared so much with me and then not even respond back. And I question if thhe reason he ended it was really because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and needed to be alone, or if he met someone or just wasn’t as into me as he made it seem.

 

I feel blindsided. Had he started pulling away a few weeks prior to this I wouldn’t be in such shock. I feel like it came out of nowhere, but maybe I mess too blind to see the signs.

 

I know all this doesn’t matter but I guess I need answers to feel closure. But I know reaching out again would be a bad idea. Anyone have a similar experience or thoughts?

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Yes, I would say you got dumped and I don't swallow his wanting a casual relationship after your description of his courting behavior.

 

Is there someone else? Maybe. I don't know your culture or his so is there a chance that his family is interfering by objecting to his choice of a significant other? I know you said that they called you his girl friend which would indicate they like the relationship but it would only take one two close relatives.

 

If we take him at face value then he got spooked. For some reason he can't commit. Maybe it's feelings or maybe it's related to his prior relationship.

 

I don't know how you can get him to tell you the truth.

 

The one significant clue I noticed in your post was when you mentioned the camping trip and referred to the other people with you as "his friends." Shouldn't they be your friends also by now?

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I don’t think anyone in his family objected and, if they did, he’s the kind of person who wouldn’t care.

 

I wouldn’t consider his friends my friends at this point. I think it’s too soon.

 

I wondered about there being someone else. I know he completely deleted the dating apps but he could have met someone in person or his ex may have moved back. It is very likely and I wish I knew for sure.

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I think you should believe what he's told you and not add more to your thoughts. Most people need time alone to date around after a divorce. I know when I divorced my first husband the last thing I wanted was to be in a relationship. I wanted to lead a single life again and catch up on what I thought I had missed when married. That does mean dating other people so he definitely wants to meet and date other women before he settles again. Dating is about getting to know someone and usually at the 6 month mark you know if it's going to work or not. I'm a person who has a hard time dealing with people with heavy emotions and it turns me off. I'm sorry you ended up hurt but you are right there is no reason to reach out to him again because he sounds like his is done.

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He's done done. Not entirely sure why. But he has recast your entire relationship as casual. And he put an end to it. The only thing you can do is move on, block and delete. Do not contact him. Do not respond if he contacts you. Best of luck!

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He told me it seemed like I wanted a more serious relationship and that he wasn’t ready for that.
He told you right here what part of the problem was.

 

The other part was that something just didn't match up well enough between the two of you from his perspective and he lost attraction. All the talk of him wanting to be with you and how much he cared, etc., was in part him trying to convince himself of it (ex: you say something over and over enough you start to believe it and feel it). Don't buy into the idea that he was a total victim of his divorce and his failed relationship afterwards. Perhaps they dumped him for valid frustrations they felt,...or he dumped them but was spinning it to look like he was the victim. Maybe they experienced the same with him as you did.

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First off you agreed to "casual"

Casual rarely progresses to anything serious as the parameters looked for in a casual partner are not the same as for a relationship partner.

You sold yourself short, he then saw you as casual and temporary and you paid the price. Men tend to put women in boxes, once in the casual box you stay in the "casual" box...

Second - He refused to put a label on you because he did not see you as gf material.

Third - People fresh out of a relationship make very bad partners, especially dumpees. SHE broke up with him, you were the rebound... Now he has "woken up" you had to go.

 

All in all you didn't stand a chance.

Sorry!

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Casual often means "starting a relationship" to women. Casual means casual to men. Women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex.

 

Calling someone I'm seeing a 'girlfriend' to friends and family, even though she isn't technically, avoids the irritation of repeatedly explaining her to people "So then what is she? So are you guys together? So is she your girlfriend? So what does 'lady friend' mean? So what does she think about it?" It's easier to just say "yeah she's my girlfriend."

 

He's clearly an avoidant, he's been hurt, he's in an emotionally raw state. You got too close and he shut you out. If there's someone else, there's usually a lead-up period where they are turning the volume down over a few weeks. They rarely just switch off.

 

He seems like a pretty cold dude. I wouldn't pursue. He may reach out to you again in the near future, if any of his feelings for you were real, which it sounds like they were at one point.

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Calling someone I'm seeing a 'girlfriend' to friends and family, even though she isn't technically, avoids the irritation of repeatedly explaining her to people "So then what is she? So are you guys together? So is she your girlfriend? So what does 'lady friend' mean? So what does she think about it?" It's easier to just say "yeah she's my girlfriend."

He didn't do that though, he never put a label on it. He didn't want to define the relationship.

His family used the gf label, he didn't.

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He didn't do that though, he never put a label on it. He didn't want to define the relationship.

His family used the gf label, he didn't.

 

Right, probably to ease communication about the undefined relationship. He probably got tired of having to explain it or correct people, so he just let them use 'girlfriend.' It clearly didn't mean she was.

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It sounds like he flung himself into it and wanted the romance and the fun and then when he realised you wanted more, he opted out. You'd think if someone wanted casual, they would behave like that, but I also have experienced the full romance thing when it is not truly meant. 'Sweet nothings and all that ...' Yes, it's wise to be wary for at least the first year.

 

I suspect there was an emotional incident where you expected something of him that only a long-term partner would expect and he bailed. I think it is horrible that people play around with romance - having all the fun of it but not the emotional attachment.

 

If he is able to walk off like this, it shows he is a cold character. Has he shown lack of care and empathy before?

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We both went into it saying we only wanted something casual but as things progressed

 

 

That didn't change for him. It changed for you, but not him. I think you were with what I call "a quality casual guy". He's not seeing a future with a woman that includes marriage or even living together. You are his steady girl and plus one for things including family events, etc. but that's it.

 

In the end, you'd reached the point where a talk about more solid future plans would start happening and given his original stated dating goal, it just ran it's course. This guy was top-drawer though. He sensed your growing commitment and got real with you. He also didn't try to use you for sex one last time or anything like that. He didn't do anything wrong. You said you were OK with casual from the start, so he wasn't using you during this time either.

 

If a woman is hoping for a long-term committed relationship for herself, it's not a good idea to say she's OK with casual because that's what she thinks guys want to hear and then hope he will change his mind for her.

That doesn't happen often enough to put a bet on it.

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GeorgiaPeach1

He knew from almost the beginning you weren't The One, but he still has desires for regular sex and companionship. When you agreed to "casual", he assumed you were on the same page. At some point, you started having feelings and he knew he needed to get out.

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Thanks for all the replies. Yes, we started off wanting casual but two months into it HE asked me “Where is this going?” He first wanted to know if I wanted kids in the future because he did and all his ex’s didn’t. We both agreed we didn’t want to see anyone else and then he asked me “Are you going to change your mind?” Because apparently all of his three major relationships in the past, the women broke up with him.

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LBBC,

I don't think you did anything "wrong."

 

 

It's him and it was a bit out of the blue from how you describe it, and what signs he may have given seem subtle and confusing as he gave other signs he was into you.

 

 

He simply is not ready, he is emotionally unavailable. That is, he may well really like being with you, but a being in a relationship scares him and that fear was triggered by the closer you got.

 

 

To put any of this on you is total BS. I rarely say things like this, but he needed to be a man and accept his part and that his actions could very well be seen as leading someone on.

 

 

There is nothing wrong in wanting or not wanting a "more serious" relationship, what is wrong is implying your relationship wants are problematic and that his actions were completely open and honest.

 

 

Lastly, I would take everything he says about his past relationships with a grain of salt. Even if true his prior girlfriends all broke up with him, it may be they got lucky enough to catch on to him earlier.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Same thing happened to me. Same amount of time, 5 months in. All the sudden he isnt ready for commitment, doesnt want a relationship, etc. Blindsided me. Very similar to you except he was the one who pursued me, and also labeled our relationship. It's really painful, and tho this happened to me 3 months ago now, I'm still saddened by it and I still miss him.

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