I'm at a loss.. (Dumper woes)

[Frostedflake]

Basically, I broke up with someone I liked because our living situations were making our relationship complicated.

 

See, she's from out of the country and is here staying with family (a sibling who is a year older). It was hard to picture us longterm because we couldn't work out if she would ever apply for a citizenship, if we saw ourselves getting married, etc. We didn't know where we were going, but we knew we liked each other. And that was fine- for awhile.

 

Except, her sibling she is staying with is married and so me being over there felt understandably weird. Four adults under one roof. Sleepovers. And yet, she couldn't ever come stay at my place because she was always assisting them with their house and pets almost 24/7. A live in maid. Her sibling also being very demanding and blowing up her phone whenever we stepped out just for an hour or two to get food and saying the dogs are messing on the carpet, as if the world was on fire if my gf wasn't there constantly to take care of all of their things. As if she couldn't be bothered to take her own dogs out or feed them.

 

Eventually, frustrated with having to actually do things in her own house, her sibling turned on me and said I shouldn't come over for awhile.

My girlfriend (being very passive in nature) agreed. Although later ranted to me in tears saying that it was unfair and that she regrets not sticking up for herself at the time. When she approached her sibling again on the topic, she said her sister brushed her off and reminded her that she's doing her 'a favor' by letting her stay here, they don't need her, etc.

And yet, like I said- Every time she tries to go out and do something for herself or with me, they blow up her phone!

 

Eventually this led to my girlfriend/ex snapping at me because she was overwhelmed. I decided I didn't like the way she was handling things and her emotions. I told her I was done. She responded thanking me for the experience, our good times, and with hope that my life got better. I left it at that, with her having the last word.

 

The next morning it must have kicked in that it was really over because she immediately called me at 7am. And again every hour after, texting me "Are you okay? Just tell me that you're okay."

But I didn't respond.

 

Now it's been 9 days since the break up. She still calls every day. Sometimes a couple times, sometimes 6. Sometimes texts which are one liners like "I still don't understand" and "I miss you". I still don't answer.

I thought that if I gave it 30 days NC maybe I'd open up communication again, see if her home life got any better, etc. But with her constantly texting and calling I feel like she isn't working on her situation. Like nothing will be different. Like this is just about the panic, the loss of control, and not about a future at all.

 

What do you guys think..

[DKT3]

I think its always a mistake to break up because of outside influence.

 

Your relationship was good and you basically dumped her because she had a bad day.

 

Man at least talk to the girl.

[schlumpy]

I think you should talk to her also but you need to have plan laid out that defines what you want out the relationship and give her a chance to provide it. What's the point in going back to status Quo?

 

You are ready for the next step but she's being held back by her family. Breaking those ties is very difficult so make sure you have some attractive options for her that let her know you are in one hundred percent.

 

Be realistic about the obstacles to a satisfying relationship. It may not be attainable at this time.

[elaine567]

OK are you sure she is living with a sibling?

Sounds like maybe she has been trafficked...

[Frostedflake]

OK are you sure she is living with a sibling?

Sounds like maybe she has been trafficked...

 

I understand where you're coming from. Yes, they are definitely siblings.

But with similar concerns I told her that if her sister is insisting on her constantly being at that house, isn't helping her with her paperwork or with citizenship information, etc.- I don't feel like her sisters intent is to let her progress. I do think she will keep her stagnant in that house, working for her, and until her temporary visa is up.

 

But I can't figure out how to help her either.

She loves her sister and has been brainwashed to feel like any objection makes her ungrateful. If I push her to burn that bridge she will think I'm the bad guy, especially because I'm not even close with my own family.

 

Part of me wants to offer her to move in with me.. but I really can't afford to take care of us both. And she can't get work on a visa from what I understand. I don't know how to help her.

[brownygoldy]

“I feel like she isn't working on her situation. Like nothing will be different. Like this is just about the panic, the loss of control, and not about a future at all.”

 

Insightful above and I do think her main motive for reaching out at the moment is exactly the above.

 

If you think about it, you’ve noticed her passive behaviours for a while and they’ve altered your perception of her. You’ve been reasonable and given her opportunities to be more proactive in her situation which would positively impact your relationship also but she hasn’t so you’ve mentally been preparing for a potential separation between you two for valid reasons.

 

She on the other hand sounds victim to her situation and is therefore more reliant on your relationship as a source of stability/happiness/love especially if she isn’t getting the love from her sister.

 

I feel for her and she doesn’t sound like a bad person at all, you mentioned that distance could be an issue but not if there are any other pressing issues in your relationship. I believe that if you truly love her and see/want her as a part of your future this issue around her being passive is very workable.

 

First you need to figure out if you do truly love her and if being with her is very important to you.

 

If it is, you become her best friend and help her to take practical steps to resolve her living situation. This could become a strengthening step for you both within your relationship.

 

If you’re not sure of the above then I think you be cruel to be kind and suggest a break for her to find her feet and her independence. She has probably become too reliant on her sister for living and on you for emotional support and once she accepts the end of your relationship for now she may be spurred on to forge her own path.

 

If you’re sure that you don’t want to be with her in the future then I suggest that you respond to grant her closure and relay the above advice to her but with an emphasis on you being over