I just broke up with him...

[destinyforever]

I don't even know if I'm heartbroken now. I texted him this morning and told him, let's break-up. And he said, ok!

 

We're not long together, about 7 months. He's actually 9 years younger than me. Could it be the generation gap? sometimes he can be very sweet with me but sometimes he's off doing something which I don't even know what's he doing and he will not reply my texts. Of course I assume he is busy at work so I didn't want to disturb him. At times I can sense he is avoiding me. Perhaps he feels I'm too old for him...

 

Now I really don't know if I'm heartbroken..

[ExpatInItaly]

To clarify - how long would he go without replying to your messages?

[destinyforever]

To clarify - how long would he go without replying to your messages?

 

sometimes it could be 3 hours, 5 hours or the next day. Last week he actually went out of town. I called him and ask if he wanted dinner...then he said he's out of town for the weekend. But he never had the courtesy to tell me. Sometimes I feel I'm not his gf....maybe just a **** buddy

[Maddie82]

How old is he exactly?

[schlumpy]

The important point is how he makes you feel and if that feeling is insecure and needy then you took the right step by breaking it off.

 

I'm surprised you skipped the "let's have s serious talk about our relationship" step and instead went right to the breakup. Nothing to talk about anymore?

 

 

Best Wishes

[ExpatInItaly]

sometimes it could be 3 hours, 5 hours or the next day. Last week he actually went out of town. I called him and ask if he wanted dinner...then he said he's out of town for the weekend. But he never had the courtesy to tell me. Sometimes I feel I'm not his gf....maybe just a **** buddy

 

Yes, I would raise an eyebrow at this, too.

 

Taking hours to reply to a text isn't a big deal in and of itself, in my opinion. I wouldn't have worried about that too much.

 

But when you're so out of the loop you don't even know he's gone away for the weekend, well, he's not as invested as you are.

 

Were you an official couple?

[Redhead14]

Yeah, it sounds to me like she only thought he was her boyfriend. He didn't consider her to be a girlfriend. He sure wasn't acting much like a boyfriend at least with his communication. It doesn't sound like there was anything to break up from.

[stillafool]

Yeah, it sounds to me like she only thought he was her boyfriend. He didn't consider her to be a girlfriend. He sure wasn't acting much like a boyfriend at least with his communication. It doesn't sound like there was anything to break up from.

 

I agree. That is why his response was "okay".

[rjc149]

Male perspective:

 

When a girl breaks up with me, I will always say "okay, fine" and go NC.

 

In every situation, without exception, the girl reached out to me to apologize and reconcile within the week.

 

You are hurting because his indifferent reaction offers you no validation. He didn't react by begging and pleading. He walked away. He maintains the power over you, and that's a *****ty feeling.

 

You see, women will often 'break up' with their misbehaving, non-conforming boyfriends to gain the upper hand in the relationship and exert control over them, to get them to fall in line. Guys who know the game will see right through that and play along.

 

He is expecting a call/text from you. However, his distant and aloof attitude, and your age gap, tells me he was content having you as a FWB.

 

You're not heartbroken, you're just stung by being one-upped. Your attraction for him is temporarily spiked because his lack of neediness demonstrates high value and abundance, which are attractive qualities in a man. However, it didn't seem like there was any real emotional bond or intimacy, so there wasn't a real loss here.

 

This feeling will pass quickly once you've realized you can attract a man of equal or greater value. Luckily, as a woman, it should be pretty easy for you to replace him.

 

You'll be fine. Plus, a 9 year age gap with a younger man was likely going to run into problems down the road.

Edited August 6, 2019 by rjc149

[The Outlaw]

sometimes it could be 3 hours, 5 hours or the next day. Last week he actually went out of town. I called him and ask if he wanted dinner...then he said he's out of town for the weekend. But he never had the courtesy to tell me. Sometimes I feel I'm not his gf....maybe just a **** buddy

 

That's a possibility. But since he was so cool about the breakup, it may have just not meant as much to you as it did to him.

[preraph]

I'm not saying all the time he didn't text he was with another woman. Probably busy working or whatever. But yes, if he's going away for a weekend and not letting you know ahead of time, he's not acting like your boyfriend, just "a" boyfriend and he's no doubt seeing other women.

 

So it's good you cut it off and aren't wasting more time on him. And yes, part of it is certainly because he's younger and not ready to settle down.

[TheFinalWord]

I tell this to men and especially women.

 

If this guy is in his 20s, you cannot plan on it lasting or being anything serious. If you know you're the type of person that cannot just let it be casual, than you are playing with fire.

 

He is not going to commit to an older woman, and he isn't going to marry you.

 

If you're looking for a stable, mature man that you can build a partnership with, you will need someone your own age, or better yet, a man a bit older that is mature, knows what he wants, and is in a place to meet someone. A young guy cannot meet your emotional needs. Men don't even mature until they're 30, and I know a lot of guys that don't mature until they're 35 or 40!

 

I'm not saying this to give you or other women a hard time. I tell this to older guys dating younger women. If you can keep things fun, light, not have an ounce of controlling or jealous behavior, you can have a younger girlfriend. If not, and you know you want serious commitment, and your emotional needs met (really applies to women), a much younger man/woman is not going to meet your needs. And while you're tied up with that, you are not open to meeting someone that could meet your needs.

[destinyforever]

I had a face to face talk with him yesterday. Actually it was him who called me first to come out and talk things over. So we met. The reason he was avoiding me recently is because he's not sure whether he is the right guy for me (sounds like a lame excuse to me). He starts telling me about how different we are financially, age, circle of friends.... well for this I get what he means. But you have known this from the beginning when we just met. Cut story short, he do still loves me and he's asking me to give him more time.

 

And yes, we are officially a couple. we have met each other's friends and family. practically the whole world knows we are dating.

 

I'm not sure what I want now. I still have feelings for him but I'm not sure if it's love or lust. What happens when we break up again? I will be too old by then to date again...why is love so miserable....

[Maddie82]

I had a face to face talk with him yesterday. Actually it was him who called me first to come out and talk things over. So we met. The reason he was avoiding me recently is because he's not sure whether he is the right guy for me (sounds like a lame excuse to me). He starts telling me about how different we are financially, age, circle of friends.... well for this I get what he means. But you have known this from the beginning when we just met. Cut story short, he do still loves me and he's asking me to give him more time.

 

And yes, we are officially a couple. we have met each other's friends and family. practically the whole world knows we are dating.

 

I'm not sure what I want now. I still have feelings for him but I'm not sure if it's love or lust. What happens when we break up again? I will be too old by then to date again...why is love so miserable....

 

I think he just may be too young for you. He's in party mode at this age, not settling down mode. I think you are looking to settle down but it's not going t o happen with this guy. He already has one foot out the door by telling you that you are both too different and that he doesn't think he's the right guy for you. This is telling you that there is no future with him.

[rjc149]

It would be useful to know how old you are.

 

Advice will differ depending if he's 25 to your 34, or he's 35 to your 44, or he's 50 to your 59 ... etc.

 

Regardless, most men do not settle down with women nearly a decade their senior. Exceptions exist but it presents a fundamental discrepancy in the maturity dynamic and the masculine/feminine polarity, which is essential for a functioning romantic relationship.

 

Sounds like he wants out. If he didn't, he wouldn't need more time. I would consider this relationship effectively over. I'm sorry to say.

[TheFinalWord]

But you have known this from the beginning when we just met. Cut story short, he do still loves me and he's asking me to give him more time.

 

He's not going to cut it off quick, because you're giving him sex.

[Ronni_W]

Advice will differ depending if he's 25 to your 34, or he's 35 to your 44, or he's 50 to your 59 ... etc.

In my multi-multiple-decades of experience, there is less of a psycho-emotional difference when either one gets to around age 25...although,

as has been said, there are always 'exceptions to prove the rule', as the scientists say.

 

To me, where age difference is going to play the biggest (negative) part, is if one of the couple (regardless of gender) is up to 23 or 25 years old,

while the other one (regardless of gender) is still a teenager.

 

It is NOT a science, so these are, absolutely, only generalities.

But for, let's say, a 38-year-old (regardless of gender) to blame their relationship problems on the fact that their partner (regardless of gender) is only 29, means that the former

is just not taking enough responsibility for his or her own lack of general 'relationship awareness' and general emotional intelligence.

(But, at the same time, a 30-year-old and a 21-year-old are going to come across and experience a probably-insurmountable 'difference-of-age gap'...which is what makes this 'not a science'.)

 

That is, we cannot just go by 'averages' or 'accepted normal', to try to make sense of how relationships play out. If that makes sense?

[Redhead14]

I had a face to face talk with him yesterday. Actually it was him who called me first to come out and talk things over. So we met. The reason he was avoiding me recently is because he's not sure whether he is the right guy for me (sounds like a lame excuse to me). He starts telling me about how different we are financially, age, circle of friends.... well for this I get what he means. But you have known this from the beginning when we just met. Cut story short, he do still loves me and he's asking me to give him more time.

 

And yes, we are officially a couple. we have met each other's friends and family. practically the whole world knows we are dating.

 

I'm not sure what I want now. I still have feelings for him but I'm not sure if it's love or lust. What happens when we break up again? I will be too old by then to date again...why is love so miserable....

 

 

Sweetie, he doesn't really want to be with you as your boyfriend. All he is doing is stringing you along now for sex likely until something else comes along. Walk away from this. Everything he outlined as "issues" -- age, financials, etc. aren't going to change.

 

Keep your eyes on the fact that he simply wasn't meeting your dating needs which is why you wanted to end things. It seems to me like you sent that break up text to test him and make him run back to you. It worked but you're still going to have the same guy on your hands you had before. Only now he knows you're so hung up on him that you will trash your self-respect and dating needs to have him around.