At a loss.

[Tracy22488]

First time using this site.. So forgive if I do anything wrong!

I'm hoping this will not be too long a post so here goes.

Im F31 dating M31 for the past 12 years (almost 13 years) We are each others first everything. And I mean everything. Started dating at about 18. (We went to the same school, he knew of me but I don't really remember him.)

 

The first year or so was LD (he was at Uni) but I wasn't in a great head space (due to family issues) But that never really mattered to us being together. In the early years we did the "i'm done with you" a few times. But the last 7/8 years we have lived together we have never split up.

We don't have children due to me being very overweight. I've in the last 1.5 years lost a crazy amount (11 stone) Still a few to go like. We both want kids though.

 

Fast-ward 6 weeks ago I was being a **** and just shut down - due to his new job and tiredness and just not wanting to connect anymore.. Then about a month ago I blow up at him and told him to leave.. So he packed all of his stuff and left. Which shocked me, I asked for it but didn't think it would go this far - he later told me he regretted it the second he closed the door.

 

After this we talked for the next few weeks and he came out and said he has depression.. half his body is numb and now the doctors think it could be MS (his grandmother had it.) He is awaiting a MRI scan results. He tells me he loves me, needs me and does not want to spilt up (he is still paying rent which he assures me he wants to do this.) But when I tried and get an answer about anything serious with us all i get is "I don't know" Also, with the weight loss maybe he liked me larger? I feel so much better in my self but did the weight loss result in me losing my best friend? He says he finds more "hot" now than ever. So I'm trying to believe him. It's hard as I have never low self-esteem.

 

This new job he is working is 12 hours back to back in a basic shop and he will not see that it could be this that has made him so tired. (also, the doctor said he was very low in B-12 and Iron..) He eats so poorly, sleeps every minute he can and just cries when we are together. I my self have a few issues I need to deal with (light depression I think, self harm ect)

So to try and protect my self 1 week ago today I stopped communication with him. I ended it with I can't do this anymore to which he said in the future he hopes to see me again. Both have not reached out and due to his work I guess he hasn't even thought about me which cuts me deep. (i'm a full time career so I do have many hours to think and over think everything.)

 

He says when I am with him my smile makes his chest warm, but when apart his is numb and empty. (I guess that's his depression?)

 

I've told him over and over again, i just want to help and support him but all I get is that i'm too good for him, that I can do better. I don't want better! I want him! My head is all over the place. I cry, I laugh crazy then I write my feelings down. Then the cycle starts again.

This is the longest in 12 years we have not spoken. I'm a broken women and I'm asking strangers for help. Please.

Thank you.

 

Sorry it's so long.

[stillafool]

What does "(I'm a full time career so I do have many hours to think and over think)" mean? Do you work?

 

I'm sorry you are going through this as well as your bf. He needs medical help for proposed MS now and therapy for his depression. I imagine he feels as if he's fallen into a black hole and can't get out. All you can do at this point is let him have his space and if he reaches out for support give it to him.

[traditional]

I do not seem to follow what exactly the challenge in your relationship is-when you are in relation with someone else, its all challenge because people change and grow differently and not in the same way or time.

 

 

You need kind of love beyond what you are experiencing now, if you look at the bigger picture, what is it that you really want-it is to be happy together-you have love and you are together. Your manfriend does not seem abusive or promiscuous-so what is wrong. When your focus slowly zooms in on all that is wrong and unlikeable you have problems not challenges. Do not resist what you don't want, if you want your manfriend, then accept and love the challenges also, longer you resist and fight the challenges they persist and become bigger.

 

 

Go to prayer sessions together-yes there is God, not possible that there is not God, the world is made so intelligently, logically, practically and so easy that it is not evolution, there is a force outside this realm be it Universe, Aliens, Ancestors, God. Calm your spirit and accept that between life and death there is only life it is excruciatingly short and you need to make your happiness and live in the moment and peace with or without whatever.

 

 

Pray or meditate and don't look for or wait or be in anticipation of problems. He needs healing and you both need love and happiness, focus on that.

[Tracy22488]

My mother is disable. I look after all her needs. Cook, clean, clean her, bills everything. It's not a 9.5 job but she is hard work. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

 

"I do not seem to follow what exactly the challenge in your relationship is"

No, nor do I. He is ill, I want to help and support him but it hurts me when he rejects me. Then comes on with I love you, need you. It's very confusing.

Is it wrong to stick with no contact? All I see is this rule to do.. and it's painful.

[spiderowl]

He sounds very mixed up and confused. I am not surprised if he thinks he might have MS. That is a big thing for him to deal with at the moment.

 

He is also suffering from depression which could make him feel very low and unworthy. This might explain him saying you could do better than him.

 

However, you told him to go and he did. It sounds like he does not want to get back together at the moment, even though he is saying he does. There is something not adding up here. I doubt he would stay away because of health worries. He probably needs comfort and so if he is avoiding getting back together, there is a reason for this.

 

It is hard to tell what the issues were between you and it seems him working long hours has something to do with it. Was he becoming more distant for a while? What exactly triggered the argument you were having? It sounds like something came to a head at that point.

 

Whatever was going on, look at the facts. He left and is not rushing back. He is still emotionally involved and mixed up but not returning. I think you need to assume you are both separated now and not assume he will come back.

 

I doubt weight had a great deal to do with it, unless he is one of these strange people who seem to need their partner to be massively overweight to find them attractive. That is a whole different order of things.

 

Are you aware of how a possible diagnosis of MS might be affecting him emotionally? He needs support at this point in time. Is that what you were offering? If you were, and he is still staying away, then I think you need to assume he is gone and that the relationship - as it was - is over. It sounds to me like he is trying to comfort you with his words but is resolutely staying broken up.

[schlumpy]

The MRI will definitively confirm the diagnosis of MS. The plaques that occur are quite visible. You should wait for that confirmation before fearing the future.

 

Ask your partner if he was ever diagnosed with optical neuritis.

 

A few months ago the top of my right foot was numb. It felt like my face when novocain wears off. I fretted about it thinking, "What if its peripheral neuropathy!" My God, my life was over.

 

It turned out that as I sit here and type on the computer, I'm many times barefoot. It is summer where I live and I have a tendency to cross my feet together. The Left foot would rest right on top of right foot where a main nerve passes through. The constant pressure caused the nerve to act up and numbed my foot up. Doctor said it often happens when people buy new shoes. A Few weeks later I'm back to normal.

 

So hope for the best.

 

 

Best Wishes

[stillafool]

My mother is disable. I look after all her needs. Cook, clean, clean her, bills everything. It's not a 9.5 job but she is hard work. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

 

 

So you do not have a job that gives a paycheck, right? Is your bf responsible for all the bills? If so, how can you break up? Who will support you?

[Tracy22488]

We spoke last night. He spoke with a counsellor and feels better more grounded he said. Which is good. I feel I need to take a step back - I offered help and support but I don't want to over do it. He should get the results from the MRI in a few weeks. I'm happy he is trying to help him self and I'm just going to go with it. If we make up that's great, if not I can understand why. The fight was all blown out of proportion and I think we both just need to go into our corners for a bit of healing.

 

I get a pay check. From the government careers allowance (it's a UK thing, i'm not sure where most people are from on this site. Sorry)

We share bills but I could not afford where I live without him but he seems very firm he will not stop paying as he said in time he will move back.

 

I'm glad I reached out to him yesterday but I know I need to take one step at a time and just hope for the best.

Thank you for people replying.