Jump to content

Dumpers are not always the bad guy/girl.....


Recommended Posts

I am just thinking that Dumpers need to be heard too. Most of the articles and videos all over the internet are all about the dumpee being the victim and the dumpers are the bad guys who were plotting the break up while there is already someone on the side (rebound). That’s not always the case. We have reasons why we broke up with them and also wanted our dumpees to realize that and feel how is it to be without us and maybe it would be better for us to make that little change that was affecting us negatively. (emotional abuse due to drinking). It is not us who always needed to be the responsible one to initiate contact to fix everything. We have reasons. We also want our dumpees to realize that we have to leave so they will realize what was the problem. It’s not that we left just because we want to play a “test game”.

 

I dumped the guy that I was dating for a year because of lack of respect, alcohol problems although he is a perfect man if he is sober, he is Gentleman, and mature. I was trying to be heard to please do not drink when we are together so we can at least talk and know each other more. We have so much attraction to each other. But I was getting too sad already. He is nice. He lives in Napa and I live in L.A. he would visit me and go for dinners and hiking. He sends me gifts when he travels overseas and send cards and letters when needed. Phone call, texts messages, emails. Until I decided to just stop this if he is just going to treat me like that. He said he understand. Obviously he doesn’t want to change for the better. I don’t want to force him to change.

 

I was expecting that we will use this time to reflect on what went wrong but... Less than 2 months from the break up he is on a rebound with a girl that he dumped before and is not even a third of me. She is an easy one. Low self esteem and insecure who posts/ reports everything that is happening in her life every minute. My attraction and respect to him dropped pretty quick. I am afraid why I moved on fast, like 1 week. I found it really unattractive that this guy is dating. We ended pretty good and calm. I don't think I would be attracted with him again although I think about him just because of the bonding. What should I do if he reaches out and what is the right statement to say that I don't want to see him if he is in a rebound. I feel like I am too available if I will see him and yeah I don't want him to feel that I am an option while trying to establish his new relationship. He is trying to hide his rebound but the girl post a lot which is just a "sitcom" to me. Haha. So please I just want to know the right approach.

 

Do Dumpees ever go back and realize why we broke up with them after they have been in a relationship?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Blind-Sided

Sort of disagree. The thing is... the "Dumper" has had time to think about it, and to plan an escape all the while getting full affection from the other person. And, since both people are invested into the relationship... the "Dumpee" is often blind-sided, and left with no where to go. This is why the dumper is normally the bad guy.

 

With that said... if there was talk about what could be done to fix things... or to address things that was bothering them... and those issues are ignored... then we really aren't talking about a "Dumper/Dumpee" situation.

 

Now... I agree that alcohol, gambling, and other addictions are valid reasons to leave someone. But, if there was NEVER any talk prior... and one day you walked up to your significant other and said... "You drink too much, and I'm leaving"... without any warning... then yes... you are a bad guy/gal.

 

My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that dumpers aren't the bad guy. And it's pretty rare that a dumpee doesn't have an idea that things aren't good for their partner.

 

But your third paragraph is a very self centred view. Why would you expect him to sit around and contemplate what went wrong, and why do you think your residual attraction has any significance to him whatsoever? He owes you not an ounce of loyalty or thoughfulness after you've dumped him. As for what you said about the ex who he returned to, such nastiness on your part is not cool. Sounds like you're insulting her in an attempt to build yourself up. Given your attitude, I can't see that you're any better than her at all.

 

As for what to do if he reached out to you, why do you think he would do this? And why would you consider taking him back while knowing all his dealbreakers?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do Dumpees ever go back and realize why we broke up with them after they have been in a relationship?
Not a hard question. Some do,...most don't. Out of the few that do understand, most of them don't change.
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Dumpers are not always the bad guy/girl.....
Agreed. It is the way it is done that causes the upset, not the 'dumping' per se......eg some posting on here seem to think that 'ghosting' is OK. :rolleyes:

Do Dumpees ever go back and realize why we broke up with them after they have been in a relationship?

What for? If it's done, it's done. End of.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
But your third paragraph is a very self centred view. Why would you expect him to sit around and contemplate what went wrong, and why do you think your residual attraction has any significance to him whatsoever? He owes you not an ounce of loyalty or thoughfulness after you've dumped him. As for what you said about the ex who he returned to, such nastiness on your part is not cool. Sounds like you're insulting her in an attempt to build yourself up. Given your attitude, I can't see that you're any better than her at all.

 

Yes, that struck me too.

 

You're hurt that he moved on quickly, OP, I get that. But you have too much time on your hands if you know this about her: ..."who posts/ reports everything that is happening in her life every minute"

 

So while I agree that the dumper is not always the bad guy or gal, I think you would be wise to gain some perspective and realize you're not better than his apparent rebound either. He is free to date whomever he wants and you need to let go, too. It is clear you really haven't and were hoping this break-up might shake him into making some changes and come back to you. Looks like that plan backfired.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
It is the way it is done that causes the upset, not the 'dumping' per se....eg some posting on here seem to think that 'ghosting' is OK. :rolleye.

 

Absolutely. Exactly what I was going to say.

 

While nobody likes being dumped by someone they like, the whole process is so much more hurtful when they are simply ghosted etc Has never happened to me but I know people who've experienced this. In addition, I can empathise because I know how I would feel if it did!

 

I remember reading about a survey once where people who were dumped were asked why (they believed) their ex ended their relationship. Likewise the dumpers were asked why. In the vast majority of cases, the dumpees had no idea of the real reasons! They believed it was something else entirely.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

@elaine567 I think some ways are more respectable than others. You can’t prevent the other person to feel pain and be hurt, but you can break up by being honest and everything... no ghosting or cheating or things like that.

 

OP, when my ex and I broke up, it was a mutual decision. We first agreed on a break and then he told me he wasn’t coming back. I was in agreement with that. About a month later, he decided that he wanted to come back, realized what he did wrong and what he’d lost. But I didn’t want to. The month apart was eye opening for me, and I was over with that relationship. I gave everything I had while I was actually IN that relationship, and when it ended, so did any feeling I had towards him. As long as I was with him, I put his needs first. So I was finally alone with myself for the first time in 4 years and I was finally able to see what I wanted, and that I relationship wasn’t it.

Six weeks after our breakup, I met someone else, and now, a year later, we’re still together.

 

Do they come back? Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. It seems like he moved on, and he had every right to since you dumped him. You’re not the bad guy for doing so, but he isn’t either for doing whatever he wants now that he’s single. And you are pretty judgemental towards this girl... who are you to say she’s not the 1/3 of you? You’re judging her by what she’s posting? She could be the most humorous and creative person, she could be an excellent cook, she could have an amazing personality... whatever. But downing her won’t raise your self esteem, that’s for sure.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Now... I agree that alcohol, gambling, and other addictions are valid reasons to leave someone. But, if there was never any talk prior... And one day you walked up to your significant other and said... "you drink too much, and i'm leaving"... Without any warning... Then yes... You are a bad guy/gal.

 

 

i have been talking about it since our 2nd date and went on for too long. Even when he calls me he is always drunk. My only request is that please do not drink when we are together. I never ask for more than that. And my intention is for the better, because if he will not drink, we will have a quality time

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
...As for what to do if he reached out to you, why do you think he would do this? And why would you consider taking him back while knowing all his dealbreakers?

 

he once contacted me about a picture that i posted in fb. I am a model and he wants me to delete a picture that i recently posted. I didn't reply to him nor delete the picture. Just because i don't want to say anything that might be because of our emotions.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You're hurt that he moved on quickly, op, i get that. But you have too much time on your hands if you know this about her: ..."who posts/ reports everything that is happening in her life every minute"

 

 

i mean it is okay for me for him to date anyone. But he is still contacting me and wants to remain friends i think while he is establishing a new relationship with his quote "i know we have issues but i still care so much about you, i hope you know that". And since then, instead of me moving on, he made the situation even harder

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

It does no good to dump someone and then wait around hoping to see if they'll change for you. They didn't change for you while you're together. He went out and got sex because that's his main priority.

 

It never occurred to me to ever consider that dumpers are the bad ones. They're dumping for a reason. Gompers does not equal cheaters.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
.....I remember reading about a survey once where people who were dumped were asked why (they believed) their ex ended their relationship. Likewise the dumpers were asked why. In the vast majority of cases, the dumpees had no idea of the real reasons! They believed it was something else entirely.

 

in this break up, i am sure that he knows what the reason is. Because we have been talking about it. I found myself pleading for him not to drink because it depresses me and just like what i said, it is never a good experience when he is drunk. We still think about each other and he was trying to reach out. But i dont want or know how to respond because he is on a rebound.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
.... It seems like he moved on, and he had every right to since you dumped him. You’re not the bad guy for doing so, but he isn’t either for doing whatever he wants now that he’s single. And you are pretty judgemental towards this girl... Who are you to say she’s not the 1/3 of you? You’re judging her by what she’s posting? ....

i know that he has the right to date. But him still contacting me just confuses me and put me into a big question. He is in a rebound and wants to be still in touch. So i dont know how to handle that. I am not ghosting at all.maybe next time that he contact me i can reply but not a week after a breakup and especially he is seeing someone. We ended good and i did not drop him like a hot potato. We have been dealing with this problem

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
it does no good to dump someone and then wait around hoping to see if they'll change for you....

 

actually this is exactly what i was thinking that i just can't accept. Maybe he just wanted sex. Because he never hear me of the only thing that made me uncomfortable. Being around drunk person

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Bea1984,

 

I don't think all dumpers are bad. A reasonable, rational person knows it depends on the case. In your case, I don't fault you for your reasons. It's quite understandable actually. Having a drink here and there and getting drunk once in awhile in my books alright but if a person is frequently drunk everytime you meet up, you two won't ever really have a real interaction. They're someone else when they're drunk. Their judgement is impaired. It's tough to bond..tough to get to know them. Next morning they wake up a different person who probably doesn't even remember much of anything the night before. You can't ever build a relationship with someone like that.

 

So really, even though you wanted to be with him, he put you in a position where you were forced into breaking up with him. Forced dumpers function more like dumpees because they didn't want to do it in the first place.

 

Where you went wrong was you hoped if you broke up with him, he'd see the light, change his ways and you two would get back together and all would be well. So you used breaking up as a last-resort manipulation tactic because you weren't ready to accept that this guy wasn't all that great for you. You were in denial. When he started dating other girls, that denial blew up in your face. Now you're feeling the pain and anxiety of the possibility, the relationship is really over and he's not coming back. Worse, he's not who you wanted or hoped for him to be. Yes, he could be rebounding with other girls to try and forget you and may end up feeling his pain a couple of months into the future and you might hear from him then..but if you ask me, it doesn't sound like he was all that invested in you for the longterm if he wasn't willing to curb his drinking habits. Yes, the relationship felt great, but it appears his drinking is a deal breaker for you.

 

If I were you, I'd let this guy go and search for someone who is more in line with what you want.

 

- Beach

 

Ps. I was dumped 3 times and in my last breakup was a forced dumper.

Edited by Beachead
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@Beachead...

 

Oh wow, thank you for this. I felt so much relieved. Everything you have said feels like you were in my situation. A lot of what you said was an awakening / validation. *forced dumper *me functioning as a dumpee *him dating right away.

 

I didn't delete him in fb but unfollowed him because i dont want to see all his romantic sitcom. But i know he is watching me and i wanna show him what he lost (i'm like a typical dumpee).

 

But i found myself doing things to better myself. I am an athlete and in fitness. He is 59 and i am 35. His age is already an issue, but his unhealthy lifestyle added to my frustrations. An almost 60 man doesnt seem like he can still build a family with that behavior.

 

The break up is still fresh and maybe i just miss the bonding. But to be honest i dont see a future with him.

 

Thank you for hearing me out

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ah, now I understand the problem: you dumped him hoping that he'd have an epiphany and change for you. But he didn't do that - instead he went to a woman who can accept him for who he is....and you were mean about her because she got the guy.

 

To be honest, this IS bad dumping on your part. If you want to try and make something work, you do it while you are together. Dumping someone shouldn't be used as a manipulation technique to bring change.

 

Good dumping is cut and dry. Try to make it work...find it can't work...end things and move on without them. No questions in your mind that you did the right thing. If they try and contact you and you don't want this, then ask them to stop contacting you.

 

Now that you've dumped him, there should be zero confusion on your part: It's over. Time for you to move on without him in your life. Also, leaving an ex in the past isn't 'ghosting'. Ghosting is when someone disappears off the face of the earth without any explanation.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ah, now I understand the problem: you dumped him hoping that he'd have an epiphany and change for you. But he didn't do that - instead he went to a woman who can accept him for who he is....and you were mean about her because she got the guy.

 

To be honest, this IS bad dumping on your part. If you want to try and make something work, you do it while you are together. Dumping someone shouldn't be used as a manipulation technique to bring change.

 

Good dumping is cut and dry. Try to make it work...find it can't work...end things and move on without them. No questions in your mind that you did the right thing. If they try and contact you and you don't want this, then ask them to stop contacting you.

 

Now that you've dumped him, there should be zero confusion on your part: It's over. Time for you to move on without him in your life. Also, leaving an ex in the past isn't 'ghosting'. Ghosting is when someone disappears off the face of the earth without any explanation.

 

 

To be honest i have been trying to fix it. I even pleaded. I even ask for an option that he can drink everyday but if he is with me, maybe he can forget it just for a day. It came to the point that we are fighting on the street and crying and he was disrespecting me in front of grace, in a restaurant or home. I am also a nurse and i explained to him how bad drinking is for him. Every night he'd do that.

 

I was mean to the girl (only to myself) because she once ruined us to the point that my ex blocked him. Now he is with her. I just have a feeling of being played.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
I was mean to the girl (only to myself) because she once ruined us to the point that my ex blocked him. Now he is with her. I just have a feeling of being played.

 

What did she do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
What did she do?

 

She kept on contacting my ex and threatened him to ruin his life. And actually she did, that time i found out that he was my ex's weekend fling. And our relationship was only one month old. We almost broke up then, that early. But then i was stupid to go forward

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So, he cheated on you with her a month into dating you?

 

 

I would say so. But i like him and he likes me more. and he chose me over her fling. That is what i know. I don't know what else that i dont know..

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

She was an easy choice for him to turn to after the break-up, then.

 

However, if his drinking and ability to stay faithful were issues, I'd gladly let her have him. You broke up for valid reasons. I think had her not gone running back to her it wouldn't sting so much now.

 

It doesn't sound like you're missing much, even if your ego is trying to convince you otherwise right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...