JLove2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 (edited) Hi everyone, I wanted some advice regarding my recent relationship. I have been on here many times when looking for advice and support and found you all so helpful and honest and I need that at this moment in time. I am almost 34 and been with my partner for three years. We are engaged to be married and have a wedding booked for next year. So I will try to keep this as brief as possible. I have been with my partner for just over three years. He moved into my house (I bought it just before we met) after around 10 months of dating. When we met he was in some financial difficulty due to a job loss he had experienced and having very little family support. By financial difficulty I mean that he had taken out some pay day loans in the past and the repayments were impacting upon him. He was also renting a house and struggling to manage payments. He has had a number of relationship breakdowns in the past. He has a history of living a various addresses and moving from place to place. People that have known him a long time have commented that he is a little reckless and he has had a pattern of losing his home due to relationship breakdowns. Long and short of it is that we had some tough times at the start in our relationship where he had been dishonest with me about further debts he was facing (due to pride). He often became defensive when challenged and this would result in a big argument and him leaving me for a a few days. These arguments occurred a number of times and have been very volatile, lots of shouting, crying and hurt. I struggled to trust him after this and things were hard but we worked through these difficulties and he has gotten himself on his feet and financially he is now in a good place and has a good job. I worked through the anxieties I had about his financial troubles although admittedly I did give him a very hard time and this caused us lots of problems. He managed to save money and I then trusted him surrounding money and I no longer had anxieties about this. I supported him by allowing him not to pay too much to live with me at the start of the relationship and helped him to get a better paid job. I also supported him by contacting the loan companies to claim irresponsible lending and got him compensation for this. He is now on his feet financially and seemed to be making great progress. In March this year I found a message to a girl on his phone that he has previously slept with calling her a smouldering hot babe. I confronted him and he was very sorry however this really upset me. H explained that it was harmless and that he would never cheat on me physically. I have never had any concerns of this nature previously. Lately he has been emotionally distant with me and there had been an incident where I had not been entirely honest with him about my recent struggles with money (nothing big, I just couldn't afford to pay as much into the joint account due to starting a new job which had been paying less money however I had not spoken with him about this which upon reflection was wrong). He earns over £1500 a month more than me and we usually pay 50/50).He lost it with m e and told me that I had been dishonest with him and that I had 'punished' him for his previous mistakes around money and that what I had done was just as bad. He started to question my abilities to manage finances and said that I did not appear to be able to manage my own finances as I had spent 'his' money and 'stolen' from him to buy things for the house (such as new flooring, new kitchen etc). I sat down and spoke with him and was completely honest about money and apologised and said that this would never occur again. I told him that I was committed to making the relationship work and that I saw us having a happy future together. We have since spoken about the future and about buying a house together and everything seemed to be moving forwards. He bought up other issues and stated that he did not trust me with money and that I had not been very understanding about his 12 year old daughter. Despite this, I have a good relationship with her and I care for her greatly. He expected me to love her like she is my own and I was unable to do this but said that I did care for her but not as a mother would as she is not mine. She has a room in my house and we often go shopping and do nice things together. She has recently become more difficult due to her age. We have been at logger heads since this time really. He has continued to be emotionally distant from me and despite me trying to make things more fun and loving he has not made the same attempts. I have had this overwhelming feeling that he is unhappy with me and that he would leave. We have continued to be intimate and have had some lovely times over the past month. We have also booked flights to visit a friend in Australia in December which he paid me for and we were discussing very openly. We have also had conversations days before him leaving me about our upcoming holiday and booking a hire car. I came home yesterday from work after speaking with him during the day to find that he had taken every single one of his belongings and left me a letter stating that he had decided to leave due to the arguing we have had which has been volatile and that despite working at it, things are not getting any better. He stated that he loved me dearly but that he had to go to be okay. Within the letter he talks about how much he still loves me and how this is the hardest decision he has ever has to make. He talks about not being able to make me happy and that I am the best person he has ever met and ever had a relationship with. He says that he believes that this is the only option for us both to be okay. As far as I am aware, he has taken his belongings to his sisters home. I have tried to call him but he is not responding. I have sent him an email explaining how this has made me feel. He has read this but not contacted me. I am beside myself with grief at the loss of this relationship and also at the way in which he has done this. He has not contacted me or checked that I am okay. He still has keys to the house. When I spoke to him in the day I told him I was looking forward to the weekend and he advised that he was too. I am so confused by this and cannot understand why he would leave in this way. He stated he had no option other than to go when I was not there. I am completely blaming myself, looking back at old messages, thinking that perhaps I was too hard on him and perhaps I needed to be kinder. I also worry that perhaps I did not notice that he was so unhappy (as he never told me he was going to leave if things did not improve) and maybe I went on at him too much. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am so sad about losing my future and I miss him dearly. Should I send him an email to explain how I am feeling again? To apologise for my part in the breakdown? Surely if he does love me, he will realise that the grass is not greener and return? I find it so difficult to come to terms with the fact that I was making him so unhappy that he left to now be homeless and have to explain to his daughter that he has left me. I feel like I have had no opportunity to express my views and discuss things. I cannot stop beating myself up about me not trying harder. I feel like I need closure so want to talk to him and get some answers. Please can anyone offer any words of advice or guidance? Thanks, J x Edited July 21, 2019 by JLove2019 Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 He did you a favour by leaving. You should ask for the keys back. You can do better than a shady gaslighting angry dude with a wandering eye and a kid that you're supposed to be instant mom for. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 There were red flags all over this long before he left, OP. He showed you he's not committed to you. He is not a responsible adult, in terms of finances or emotional intelligence. He blames you for things not working out, when really, it sounds like he's got another woman on the go. Cheaters will often stage a fight to make a dramatic exit and avoid taking responsibility for their bad behaviour. Let him stay gone. Marrying him would have been a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I'm sorry this ended by him being such a coward about everything but in the end you not marrying him will be for the best. At the very least how he ended things shows what an irresponsible person he is. Change the locks, Grieve the lost & be happy you got out of this without having to divorce or him making some claim for 1/2 your house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 He did you a favour by leaving. You should ask for the keys back. You can do better than a shady gaslighting angry dude with a wandering eye and a kid that you're supposed to be instant mom for. This. 100%. Mic drop. I am so sorry to hear you're feeling the way you are. It reminds me of how I've felt on more than one occasion regarding breakup. But please know you dodged a very lethal bullet here. He did you a favor by leaving. It sounds like he was a leech to begin with, a d you were kind enough to take him in. My best to you, friend, -Common 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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