Rude Awakening, Ex Showed Up at My House...

[JEG88]

What a rude wake-up call today, literally.

 

My ex (we broke up about 2 weeks ago) showed up at my house at 7:30 this morning to drop off some stuff of mine she still had. She texted and called multiple times, and when I finally came to out of sleep, I asked her to just leave the stuff at the front door. There was nothing of consequence that she had - a sweater, a soccer ball, other random things.

 

She refused to leave unless I came out myself. I had no intentions whatsoever to do that, let alone being in the state of mind to do so with just waking up from sleep. Never mind not wanting a shouting match or anything, and I knew all she wanted was to either try to convince me to get back together or shout my ears off in anger.

 

When she finally drove off, I told her she can just throw the stuff away. She just said that I know where she is so I can get the stuff at some point. Which I have no intention of doing either, at all. I told her to throw the stuff away multiple times.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. Restraining order? Security camera in case she tries to slash my tires or something? I feel like I'm in a bad TV drama...

 

She is obviously not over the breakup, probably going through the stages of grief/anger. If you read my breakup thread, I feel like I reconciled things in my head over the last few months of the relationship before I broke it off, so I feel like I went through that process already.

[FMW]

Block her number so you don't have to deal with her calls or texts.

 

I wouldn't seek a restraining order because of this one incident, but if she does something else then it's something to consider.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wouldn't seek a restraining order because of this one incident, but if she does something else then it's something to consider.

 

I agree.

 

Just do not engage. Hopefully she will simmer down soon.

[Lotsgoingon]

You were smart not to answer the door.

 

No need for restraining order. She didn't threaten you. Just continue to not respond to her.

 

When she finally drove off, I told her she can just throw the stuff away. She just said that I know where she is so I can get the stuff at some point. Which I have no intention of doing either, at all. I told her to throw the stuff away multiple times.

 

Be careful here. You don't want to reply any more to her questions about what to do with your stuff. She's just using your stuff as a way to reconnect with you. You've already told her what to do and your stuff is, as you say, not a big deal anyway. She has heard you. She is deliberately ignoring that--playing her own game. Don't continue to act like you just need to repeat yourself.

 

Ignore her. Completely. No calls. No texts. No nothing. Don't answer any questions. Nothing. Any contact may just stimulate her to restart her game. She may make one or two more attempts ... but ignore her ... and hopefully she'll go away. Literally you don't want to say one more word to her.

[elaine567]

I don't know what to do at this point. Restraining order? Security camera in case she tries to slash my tires or something? I feel like I'm in a bad TV drama...

 

Bit over dramatic...

She showed up to give you your stuff back and understandably wanted to see you, you dated for 2 years after all.

Now you want a restraining order and CCTV... what's that about?

[smackie9]

Dude she wanted to see if there was someone sleeping in your bed, that is why she wanted you to come to the door...she would have pushed past you to go and see. In her mind there is someone else, and that must be the only possible reason you dumped her.

 

If I were you I would just lay low, make yourself scarce, block/delete her from everything....enjoy some peace and quiet. If you hookup with someone, go to their place. Things will die down in about a month.

[JEG88]

Bit over dramatic...

She showed up to give you your stuff back and understandably wanted to see you, you dated for 2 years after all.

Now you want a restraining order and CCTV... what's that about?

 

Probably an over-reaction, sure. I just felt it was a very immature and creepy move to show up unannounced at 7:30am on a Sunday morning, to play a hostage game with stuff I wouldn't want back anyway.

 

I already broke it off in what I felt was a clean, definitive way. I don't see a need or reason at this point to see her again.

 

In her mind there is someone else, and that must be the only possible reason you dumped her.

 

If I were you I would just lay low, make yourself scarce, block/delete her from everything....enjoy some peace and quiet. If you hookup with someone, go to their place. Things will die down in about a month.

 

I hope so. I just don't want to have to worry if she'll try to stalk me again. I'm nearly a ghost on social media anyway.

[preraph]

I have to agree with the poster on this. She is being pushy and trying to force him to see her and get back together. In that same situation, I'd have done what he did, told her to leave it outside. Clearly, she mistakenly thinks having these objects gives her some leverage to be able to see him, so she's holding them hostage. Now, that is pretty sick. Any reasonable adult would have texted and left them on his porch a long time ago instead of using them as a lever, so I side with the poster on this.

 

She is one step away from getting a restraining order. If she makes any threats or shows up uninvited after he has refused to see her, he can call police as the first step.

 

JEG, I think if you haven't already, you need to have something in writing that you wrote to her, an email preferably, stating that you want no contact with her ever again and to dispose of your stuff, that you don't care about it. Then you have that on file as evidence that you let her know and can show that to police if necessary.

 

Her next step is likely to be stalking you when you leave work or go to the store or something. So start making a log with brief description, time and date of all her contacted. Start with keeping those many early morning messages she just did and her showing up and leaving with your stuff because you wouldn't talk to her.

 

Make a log and then do go ahead and block her on everything so she can't even contact you. Then all she can do is show up, and if she does, you call the police.

[OatsAndHall]

I don't know what to do at this point. Restraining order? Security camera in case she tries to slash my tires or something? I feel like I'm in a bad TV drama...

 

She is obviously not over the breakup, probably going through the stages of grief/anger. If you read my breakup thread, I feel like I reconciled things in my head over the last few months of the relationship before I broke it off, so I feel like I went through that process already.

 

 

Unfortunately, you don't have grounds for any legal action at this point. I called the police twice on a woman that was stalking me (tried to get into my house) but the best I could get her on was "violation of privacy through communication". And, that was only because she continued contacting me after I asked her not to.

Edited July 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Saracena]

Bit over dramatic...

She showed up to give you your stuff back and understandably wanted to see you, you dated for 2 years after all.

Now you want a restraining order and CCTV... what's that about?

 

Exactly. Was wondering if I'd missed something awful she'd done.

[stillafool]

I agree with Smackie that the only reason she showed up at 7:30 AM was to try to see if you had another woman over. I'm so glad you didn't let her in and told her to throw your stuff away. She's toxic and you are smart to be done with her. Block her number and social media. I hope when you meet a new girl you like this one doesn't start trouble but I fear her jealousy will try to ruin it for you.

[elaine567]

She's toxic and you are smart to be done with her.

 

He dumped her after 2 years of dating, why is she toxic?

For being upset?

 

I've been with my GF for almost 2 years coming up, we met online...In some ways, she's made me a better person. I'm very introverted, and have significant social anxiety with pretty much no social circle outside of my GF. She has exposed me to different things like travel, other foods I didn't used to eat, various social situations, etc. Her support along the way has allowed me to address some of my obstacles for sure.

Edited July 21, 2019 by elaine567

[preraph]

Once a person has made it clear they don't want to see you, to keep trying is harassment. If she takes it even further, it's stalking. If he calls the police and they show up in time, which is if-y, they can tell her to stop coming there. If he tells her not to do it in writing, he can see if he can get a restraining order, whether she has done anything physical or not. If it goes that far, then if she breaks the restraining order, the police have to pick her up.

 

Certainly hoping it won't go that far, but her holding his stuff hostage is pretty crazy, so sounds like she isn't done yet.

[anika99]

He dumped her after 2 years of dating, why is she toxic?

For being upset?

 

I agree. This isn't a woman he only dated for a couple of months. They were together for 2yrs and only broke up a couple of weeks ago and since she was the one who got suddenly dumped it's understandable that she is struggling with her emotions. I'm not condoning her behaviour but coming over to your place doesn't make her toxic or sick. She is suffering a loss and feeling overwhelmed and desperate. A little compassion goes a long way.

 

This one incident is in no way cause for a restraining order. Just wait and see what she does next. She will likely contact you again. If you talk to her, tell her that she is never to come over to your place uninvited again. Anything she has to say can be done over the phone or through email.

 

I know a lot of people say that once you dump someone you should block them everywhere, change your number and never speak to them again. I understand that if the person has mental issues that make dangerous, otherwise it seems pretty heartless and cold to treat a person who gave you a couple of years of their life. I have broken up with men and men have broken up with me and none of us ever treated each other unkindly. There was normally some back and forth in the weeks following a break up while one person needed to accept the break up and come to terms with it.

[smackie9]

She's not toxic. She is heartbroken, upset, confused and desperate. She thought everything was fine, then out of the blue she gets dumped.

[preraph]

Well, she also can't take "no" for an answer, and if she was the man in this scenario, we wouldn't be feeling as sorry for her.

[smackie9]

She has hope, and she needs closure. It's only been 2 weeks...a couple of more and she will settle down and start moving on.

[Saracena]

know a lot of people say that once you dump someone you should block them everywhere, change your number and never speak to them again. I understand that if the person has mental issues that make dangerous, otherwise it seems pretty heartless and cold to treat a person who gave you a couple of years of their life..

 

Absolutely. In fact I found the OPs reaction more concerning than his girlfriend's actions! While I'm not condoning turning up at that time of the morning, she hasn't given you enough reasons to start thinking about restraining orders etc. Jeez, I reckon if you start going down that route you'll have more trouble on your hands,

[anika99]

Well, she also can't take "no" for an answer, and if she was the man in this scenario, we wouldn't be feeling as sorry for her.

 

I would. When I have broken up with someone I have always done it with compassion and allowed the guy to vent at me or cry or get angry, not out of pity but out of empathy. Because I have been on the receiving end and I know the feelings of loss and grief. I know how it can knock the wind right out of you and make you feel desperation. If it's only been a relationship of a couple of months I might not be as patient and understanding but after a few years I do feel an obligation to be kind an considerate.

 

Seems rather selfish and self absorbed to think you can just dump someone after a few years and then just regard them with contempt and disgust because they are hurting. Break their heart and then call them toxic and sick because they are grieving. I think people who treat people that way are sometimes just cowardly. They don't want to deal with someone else's pain. If the girl was posting here I would tell her that she shouldn't contact the OP anymore because it won't change anything and she needs to accept it. However since she is not here I'm just suggesting that she deserves a little compassion and leeway while she works this out. No need to start hating on her because of one misstep.

[preraph]

She's not just grieving. She's pestering the crap out of him contacting him over and over at 7 in the morning, refusing to leave his stuff on the porch when she's right there, because he won't let her in. She's going too far.

 

I'm not saying anything about what kind of a person he is because I don't know, but I would just never think about pestering someone who broke up with me like that and acting childish about returning things he said not to worry about because he wouldn't open the door.

 

For all I know, as soon as she stops pestering, he might go chase her. But her behavior is off. If it was a guy doing it after a woman said to go away, we'd be saying he was out of bounds.

[JEG88]

I really don't think I have any obligation to deal with her pain weeks after the breakup. The day it happened, I stayed for a good while and talked things through with her in person. Crying, grieving, venting. I made my words as compassionate, clear and decisive as I could that day. I even stopped her from hurting herself, which was scary.

 

Beyond that, I don't see any reason to "let her" grieve on me directly and put myself through that stress. I dealt with the decision in my own way, and if this sounds cold so be it, but she should do the same. I'm not ungrateful for the two years, and I wish her nothing but the best, but I also don't want to stir up any undue emotions after everything. I feel like that would only prolong the healing and moving on, and that's not fair to me or to her.

[HiCrunchy]

She is just hurting...

 

No need for a restraining order unless showing up at your apartment becomes a regular thing or she becomes violent.

At most, it will be an annoyance but will calm down as the weeks/months go by.

Just don't engage with her, and she will calm down eventually.

 

Block/silent texts and social media if it bothers you so much.

[preraph]

I really don't think I have any obligation to deal with her pain weeks after the breakup. The day it happened, I stayed for a good while and talked things through with her in person. Crying, grieving, venting. I made my words as compassionate, clear and decisive as I could that day. I even stopped her from hurting herself, which was scary.

 

Beyond that, I don't see any reason to "let her" grieve on me directly and put myself through that stress. I dealt with the decision in my own way, and if this sounds cold so be it, but she should do the same. I'm not ungrateful for the two years, and I wish her nothing but the best, but I also don't want to stir up any undue emotions after everything. I feel like that would only prolong the healing and moving on, and that's not fair to me or to her.

 

Considering that she tried to hurt herself, it's even more important that you don't cave into her, because it would rapidly just escalate to a self-harm threat of some sort. You should block her so she can't try to use that on you. It's much easier to just keep her from doing it than to wait until she threatens suicide or something and then to decide whether to call the police, which you definitely should.

 

I think prolonging it under the circumstances would just be a mistake. Sounds like she wants any type of attention, even negative rather than none, and that is definitely not a good trait in a person.

[The Outlaw]

If you've done everything you can in an attempt to comfort her, she's on her on from this point forward. There's nothing more you can do but she's just going to have to come to terms that it's over and move on. But if you feel that it will bring you peace, block her.

[stillafool]

I really don't think I have any obligation to deal with her pain weeks after the breakup. The day it happened, I stayed for a good while and talked things through with her in person. Crying, grieving, venting. I made my words as compassionate, clear and decisive as I could that day. I even stopped her from hurting herself, which was scary.

 

Beyond that, I don't see any reason to "let her" grieve on me directly and put myself through that stress. I dealt with the decision in my own way, and if this sounds cold so be it, but she should do the same. I'm not ungrateful for the two years, and I wish her nothing but the best, but I also don't want to stir up any undue emotions after everything. I feel like that would only prolong the healing and moving on, and that's not fair to me or to her.

 

This was all you could do. Dumpers can't hang around forever holding the hand of the dumpee or the dumpee will never get over them. Yes getting dumped hurts regardless of how long the relationship was; but after the dumper has stayed through her crying, grieving and venting that is about all the closure a dumper can give. Heartbreak is a process and once the dumper has left one has to depend on friends, family and therapy to get them through. Having the dumper around to hold your hand through a breakup is unrealistic and will keep the dumpee stuck. Unannounced visits at 7:30 am to try to catch another girl with the dumper, demanding he open the door is toxic and useless because they've already let you go.