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Saw an ex I was hung up on for 3 months...but is it worth it?


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3 months ago I met a guy at a gig and we immediately hit it off. Long story short we began dating quite suddenly as we really enjoyed eachothers company. Queue 3 weeks into our "thing" , I began stressing lots at work and my university and flipped; he'd done nothing wrong but I realised its been 3 years since id been this intense so fast with someone and I woke up one morning at his place feeling lost, anxious, stressed and moreover confused.

 

I thought about how much easier things would be if I was single until I finished my degree despite his incredible care and support but decided not to end things as itd be wayyy too hasty (im very independant so decided to chew it over for a few days). The same week I began feeling these things I happened to see his facebook profile on his phone when he was scrolling to show me a video and suddenly saw "In a relationship" on a "locked" status. I questioned him offhandedly and he told me he felt very humilated as he wanted to ask me to change my relationship status so everyone could see.

 

I told him I felt like it was a little too soon as we'd only literally been dating properly around 12 days but he disagreed and we got into a little tiff about it. This combined with my anxiety and throat infection and extreme tiredness had me talk to him, heat of the moment one night unexpectedly saying "I..i need to think about stuff. ive had all these doubts and I might need to stop this cos I dont know what I want..i feel pressured, stressed and I dont know if im ready to be official yet"..we argued. He drunk called me and asked me how long Id need to figure things out and that he wanted a fast answer. In frustration I ended things there and then as I didnt need any more stress. We never spoke since.

 

 

Just one week after this incident I began feeling regretful, even more confused than I did before, cold, selfish and typed him out a message but realised it would seem 10x worse to go back on what I said as it would mess him up. The weeks went on and I expected to forget him but he was in my dreams, on my mind, it was driving me insane..Id see him in the street and once he saw me and gave me a half smile politely but didnt wanna stop. This made me think of him x10 more...

 

I met up with guys and couldnt stop thinking of how much chemistry I initially had with him so stopped dating. We ended things on april 13. I began thinking of him from April 20 to pretty much a couple weeks ago. Yesterday at a gig far out from town my friend pulled me into a little room at the venue and said "thats...your guy. Hes here." ... to my surprise I confidently waved to him and he approached me and we spoke, a little nervously at first but calmy, nicely and for around 20 minutes and i explained how hung up Id been for so long. As soon as he left he messaged me saying "it was really good seeing you tonight" and I immedaitely responded frequently, happily and excited but after 2 hours of on/off continued smalltalk with me being more of the talker, he stopped.

 

I want to see him but feel I shouldnt be the one to ask as I made it perfectly clear how I felt (as opposed to how he currently feels).

 

Do I proceed with this or just let it die?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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ExpatInItaly
I want to see him but feel I shouldnt be the one to ask as I made it perfectly clear how I felt (as opposed to how he currently feels).

 

I completely disagree.

 

You are the one who broke up with him. The ball is in your court to ask to see him.

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Its sounds like he still cares about you, but is remaining guarded because you broke his heart. If you want to see him then i think you should initiate it seeing as you were the one that broke up with him in the first place.

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I caved and messaged him, only smalltalk. He once again replied very nicely but then it died again, guess he was just being polite, thanks for the advice

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emeraldgreen

Small talk won't get you anywhere. In fact, no talk will get you anywhere. It might even confuse him as to why you're doing it. Is to re-initiate? To attention seek? To kill time? These are the questions he's asking.

 

Invite him to something he likes to do or is interested in and, if you get the green light, make it up to him and have a killer date. If you get a red light, you'll know he's just being polite. Politeness is nice but often delays what we really want to do or say.

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I asked him on our first conversation yesterday to come to a show me and my band were playing, he said "sure! sounds good" then discovered hes working that night to which i said "we have one the following month" and he said hed like to come ...

Im only staying safe on the smalltalk as I already feel pathetic totally showing my weak side - I made it very clear to him yesterday that I wanted to initiate more but cant read his signals...he messaged me literally around 10 minutes after we met but I cant stop thinking of his intention

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emeraldgreen

We make decisions out of love or fear. The fear ones aren't working out for you. Coming to a show is just as ambiguous as the small talk. Ask him out for a meal, your shout.

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ExpatInItaly
We make decisions out of love or fear. The fear ones aren't working out for you. Coming to a show is just as ambiguous as the small talk. Ask him out for a meal, your shout.

 

Agreed.

 

You are going to have to be a little more direct in your approach, OP. Inviting him to a group event is not going to make your intentions clear. It could strike him as a faint signal of interest, yes, or it could just look like you want more people in your audience.

 

Stop being so afraid of looking "weak." It isn't weak to be clear in what you would like, especially considering you have already broken up with him once before. You will need to take the lead on this if you want it to go somewhere, and that is quite the opposite of weak - it demonstrates confidence.

 

Might he say no? Sure. But if you're too afraid to even try, you really have no business even attempting to date him again.

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