Am I normal? I am still going through pain

[Cantheal]

So seeing a recent picture of my ex through social media pierced my heart, it set me back bad!! I have been having crazy anxiety and pain. It has been 11 months since the breakup and 8 months no contact. She dumped me out of the blue after she moved states.

 

Saying I was devastated was an understatement. I reached out to her alot during the first few months, she had little to say, and ended up ghosting me. The last time we texted was me asking if we could remain friends, she said she would love to be my friend but needed time.. This was 8 months ago... That also eats me up inside, that she never reached back out to me, to fill that promise of being friends.

 

I am not sure why after 11 months im still so heart broken after seeing the new updated her on social media. She seems like a totally different person now, with new friends and a new personal style (wearing makeup, sexy clothes) she was not that kind of person around me, which I loved about her.

 

I have been on a few dates since her, but I was not interested in either of those girls. even after all this time im still searching for her... I still have a fantasy in my head that she reaches out and wants to get back together, because she was honestly the perfect woman for me.

 

What can i do at this point?? There are times where I dont think about her much, then all my emotions toward her come back and knock me on my ass. I feel im hopeless, being almost a year from the break up and still wishing she would just reach out...

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to delete her off your social media. No question about that.

[MINAKO]

I am so sorry to know this. I know break ups can be soul crushing, I understand. Have been there. Honestly, she is no longer the person you fell in love with. New friends, new look, new life and even a new State. You said she was the perfect woman for you - yeah, was. She is now someone else, someone so cold that she ghosted you. Even when you would speak with her, she had nothing to really say. She is someone else now. A stranger, inside out. I know you still want to be with her, but as you said yourself, it is a fantasy. Please, from the bottom of my heart, I am asking you to respect yourself and walk away. By that I mean to stop torturing yourself over her, hopelessly hoping, waiting for someone who no longer exists - that girl you once knew is long gone, inside out. Do not lower your self worth by begging a person like this to love you - things like trying to speak to her in the earlier months. Screw that. You are much more valuable. Do not bow down to the heartless.

 

I remember when I fell for someone and I do not have to explain it, but basically a part of me would die every time I saw him on any social media. I ended up blocking him one day, realizing that I deserved better and would never want to be with someone who did not love just as much as I loved them. I healed so much faster afterwards. Each time you check her updates etc., you are re-opening the wounds. Let it go. I know, I know how hard it is. But it will be far more painful if you keep this up. You have been sad about this for almost a whole year now. Please do not spend yet another year feeling depressive over her. Cut the painful strings keeping you attached. The sooner you block her, the faster your mindset will recover and become healthy.

 

This post I am writing made me curious about what that old lover I mention is up to. So I checked his profile now, many years later off a random account, and you know, I have no feelings at all. I even watch a video of him dancing with his ex-girlfriend. I felt absolutely no pain. Seriously. Know why? Because I killed my feelings for him starting the day I blocked him all those years ago. I am finally whole again and honestly never think about him anymore. I even met his twin brother at a party recently (they look exactly the same) but felt nothing. No hurtful emotions. I am fine again.

 

It is tough, but you know what you should do. Block away the visual pain, all of it. Leave, before your heart needlessly aches even more.

[CT98]

I still have a fantasy in my head that she reaches out and wants to get back together, because she was honestly the perfect woman for me.

 

Hey mate, try to quash this fantasy, the perfect woman for you would not leave you; try to internalise this and really get to grips with the fact and it will help with your healing. The perfect woman for you is waiting for you in all your awesomeness!

Edited July 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[salparadise]

Acceptance. You need to accept that she's gone, which includes no more expectation that she will ever reach out, and disillusion of any fantasies about her coming back. After a year it's not going to happen. Deal in reality only. Find something else to focus on. You may be pining and hurting but she is not; she has moved on. Force yourself to be forward looking only. Do not idealize memories. Remove her from social media.

 

One of the rationalizations I used that seemed to help was that my feelings did not matter to her, that she doesn't attach and I was only the occupant of a role (like a handyman), and because of these things, if she were to come back she would hurt me again and I could never trust her.

 

Sorry for your pain. I know how hard it can be. Acceptance works wonders.

[Cantheal]

@minako thank you for the detailed response!

 

I actually had her blocked on social media for some months after she ghosted me, but this voice told me to un block her incase she wanted to reach out... that never happened forsure.. We are not friends on social media, but she took her profile off of private so I can see it now. I just need to force myself not to check it. I guess it can do me no good and only prevent me from healing..

 

I have never been this deeply saddened by a breakup that it affects my daily life. Even my previous ex of 4 years got married and had a child only 9 months after our split and I was ok with it, even happy for her. But here I am loosing my mind over this one, and it seems she could care less.

 

It just makes no sense that she went from wanting to buy a house with me to saying she doesnt love me enough to keep it going. I know everyone says it, but she was truely a unique person and dont think I can find someone like her again.

 

I guess I will try and focus on eliminating this hope that she will soon reach out and want to re connect. There is no way I would reach out to her after getting no response last time.. Thanks for taking your time to help.

[MINAKO]

I know you think you will never find someone like her, but honestly if someone like her includes being treated like this and being forgotten so easily and ghosted as if you were nothing to her, especially out of the blue like absolutely out of no where, it is not worth it. Very selfish of her to ditch you in the dirt without at least helping you understand, and move on in whatever way benefits her, even if that means acting like you never existed. You will find someone not only not hurtful and selfish like her, but much, much better. With all I know of the situation, I genuinely hope you never meet someone like this person again. You know what I mean.

 

Forcing yourself to not check her social is a struggle, instead, I would force myself to block the person again to save yourself the unnecessary temptations. I am glad you will not be reaching out to to her again, but keep in mind that that is only half of the journey. The other part is to end the battle with yourself like to stop hoping for something hopeless. And sometimes the only way to do that and heal is to cut the cord and pull the plug (block). Remember, "out of sight, out of mind" - it will only be a matter of time before you become used to things this way and it will not bother you anymore. Your heart is in absolutely agony, I know, so this is the time for your logical mind to step in and do the right thing, which hurts a lot, but will end up saving you in the end from this misery.

[preraph]

I mean, she wants to buy a house, but she wants to buy a house whether you're involved or not. She knows you are not the right person for her, and so that means she is not the right person for you.

 

Why are you keeping yourself upset by looking at her social media? Do you enjoy being down and hopeless? Stop it. It's well within your power just to face reality and understand she's not the one and move on, but only you can do it. Apparently nothing she has done (dumping you, telling you you are not the one) can do it, so stop waiting and hoping. Stop hanging on to it. When you get tired of being miserable, it's all up to you to stop being miserable. And it starts with staying off her social media, obviously.

[samjam7]

If you have tried your best to reach out a couple of times then just know that you have done it all and there nothing more you can do.

 

Like you said she has transformed into a different person. It's your turn now!

No, she is not the perfect woman for you. If she was she would not have left you for anything in this world.

 

I think you still are not over the breakup because in your mind you view your ex as "the one". She really isn't and definitely not for you.

 

 

You tried your best but she still did not value your efforts. There is a lot of fish in the sea.

 

I know what you are going through now as I am also going through a breakup/ Even before that I used to like a guy and I was hung up over him for more a year because I idealized him in my mind.

[Cantheal]

Thanks for taking the time to reply and try and help me get past this horrible state my mind is in.

 

I dont know, I have dated ALOT of women over the past few years and she was the only one who made me a better person! When I was with her I was more conscious of the environment and helping people! This is why I loved her so much, she taught me alot about myself and a different way to view the world.

 

I struggle getting through the day without that constant heart sinking pain when something reminds me of her(which is just about everything). How do you guys suggest I manage letting all the things I associate with her and remind, affect me so much?

[MINAKO]

I have always found it difficult to not associate someone with just about everything, after a break up or when I am missing them, etc. All that has helped me was to create new associations to help me distance myself from them, such as new music with more of an angry tone about an ex, or a sexy one to help feel confident lol. Or, intense exercise with some motivational beats or whatever. Feeling productive with something echoing in the background that I am doing it correctly, has very slowly but surely made me get better, little by little. Other times, it was really taking care of myself (a nice hair cut, eating really well, treating myself) or a cute (but nothing to do with love & romance) movie to fall asleep to. Hanging out with different friends also helped to take my mind off of things for a while. Eventually, all the busyness starts to override the background worries. Time heals the rest.

[jess060191]

Everything that MINAKO is saying is 100% facts. You need to BLOCK her off all social media, trust me. I recently was dumped out of no where, completely unexpectedly. And he NEVER, EVER, EVER, spoke to me again. I also had the same mind set as you "if i block him then he won't be able to contact me" WRONG- if someone wants to contact you, especially an Ex, they will find a way TRUST ME. AND also you are no longer living your life for that person no more, (you should of never been in the first place) so who cares what she is doing or what she is wearing or posting about on social media. I was torturing myself by not blocking my ex, seeing how "happy" he was, making side comments on how happy he was to be single again, seeing these females in photos with him. Then I finally got the courage and BLOCKED him off everything. Trust me I cried the whole time doing it, but in a way it was my way of saying goodbye to him and our relationship. It helps trust me.

Edited July 17, 2019 by jess060191

[MINAKO]

I was torturing myself by not blocking my ex, seeing how "happy" he was, making side comments on how happy he was to be single again, seeing these females in photos with him. Then I finally got the courage and BLOCKED him off everything. Trust me I cried the whole time doing it, but in a way it was my way of saying goodbye to him and our relationship. It helps trust me.

 

Well said! It is absolute torture to watch things like that. But like you say, while it does hurt so much, blocking these types of people is always a blessing in disguise in the end.