Jump to content

Where was my fault in this?


Recommended Posts

Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 2 months. We met online. He was the impatient type and I was the 'let's take is slow one' because of my past relationship and what impatience did to them.

 

Anyway, the was brilliant. I never had this kind of treatment from any of my ex boyfriend and I really though that this could be something good and something long term, so I started to pace myself properly and take time to get to know him. He was sweet, caring, considerate, made me laugh, I was his priority. Wanted to see me everyday, but I couldn't as I needed space for myself too so I didn't take up his offers all the time.

 

Met his friends, his housemates. I had a lot on my plate before the breakup and I couldn't always run to my boyfriend and tell him all my problems. I am dealing with depression, a divorce in my family, university work, in the process of redundancy at work and so on. But so did he. Ex wife, a child, finances.

 

I confessed to him that I'm falling in love with him and he said he is falling in love with me big time as well. Right after we had a conversation that lead to his ex before me. He realised he was leading her on very late. Now, some of his friends were saying how he should not lead me on too. He then was thinking about his for 2 days and came to the conclusion that he was actually leading me on.

 

I want to say that we talked future, we talked family, we talked marriage. He asked me to marry him one day, to which I replied ask me after a year or so. He became a better person because of me and he constantly said how I make him happy and content, I give him stability and peace and how for once he feels an equal in a relationship.

 

Had loads of spurs of the moment where he would just say that he loved me but we left that down to infatuation. Two days after we both confessed out feelings, he breaks up with me. He came to my house with my stuff, he bought a bottle of wine for us to share. I wanted to talk to him about some stuff that were worrying me in regards with him and he came prepared to break up with me.

 

He was saying how, he can't love me, how the spark is gone, how he doesn't see a future with me and it's better to cut it off now because it will hurt less.

I started crying after 10 minutes of talking. We hugged, he didn't want to stay friends but offered to help me pack for my upcoming trip of two weeks.

 

He said I loved him right and nothing was wrong with me. I didn't do anything wrong. I was saying how maybe he is not considering everything and how it's too early to establish if he saw a future with me or not yet, and maybe this was become serious and he got scared, because of this past relationships where he constantly got cheated on. There were times where he was asking why I was so nice to him and how he never been in a relationship like this.

 

I've been in NC for almost two weeks and there is no sign from him. I keep thinking this was just him being impulsive and we will resume our relationship at some point.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

He sounds emotionally immature, OP.

 

You were obviously concerned about how carried away he was getting early on, with good reason. In my experience, men who do this are feeding themselves on lust and hormones and not something that actually carries over into a healthy, long-term relationship. They tend to disappear as quickly as they appeared and bounce off to the next chase.

 

I would let him stay gone. I don't think you can consider a person like this a candidate for a serious relationship.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

He's not going to resume your relationship. 8 weeks is not a proper foundation for any of the things you discussed. You were seeking instant intimacy; you both acted like your relationship of 2 months was on the same footing as people who had been together for 2 years.

 

Let him go. Going forward recognize the desire to spend every day with a new SO is a red flag . Talking about love & marriage too early is a red flag called "love bombing." Any new relationship will take time -- months / years -- to grow. Avoid the guys who try to accelerate that process.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you both for your replies

 

I just wished it was easier. It's been almost two since the breakup and can't see no improvement. Yes, I feel good that I finally get to clear my head and asses what happened logically, but I think somewhere deep down I still believe that this is not the end. It just seems to me that good outweighed the bad and we didn't really give the relationship a chance. But I can't force it and this should be a lesson for both

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi guys,

 

Im posting again because it seems like I am moving towards a different emotional situation in my breakup process. Tomorrow will be two weeks since we've broken up and two weeks of NC.

 

I now suddenly started to think that I was a very bad girlfriend! Did you guys ever had these thoughts?

 

I feel so bad because I am thinking that this is truly the reason why he broke up with me. As in, I'm having all these thoughts that I was not being attentive, that I was not telling him where I was all the time ( and it makes me feel bad), I feel bad that maybe I was not reassuring enough so he can trust me( he's been cheated on so many times) I was not affectionate enough, I was not happy enough and so he decided to go. Also the way he broke up with me just feeds my thoughts even more. Coming over with my stuff, telling me to delete all the convo's we've had on WhatsApp, telling me to unfriend him on Facebook and he even made sure that the stuff he brought over ( my stuff) we're evenly split in the room, so when I do go into my room I dont just see a pile of stuff. He also said how I could always text him and ask for closure or simply swear at him. He even made sure I deleted all the conversations after he left the house! He did stressed that I shouldn't block him on WhatsApp and he will not do it either.

 

All of this just makes me think that I was such a bad girlfriend and maybe I did hurt him and I didn't treat him right, and this is the reason why he left!

 

Help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

After 2 months it wasn't love, it was limerence. The impulsive part was the I love you's and the marriage talk.

 

Moving on and moving up!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most likely you simply weren't compatible. Needs for attention and affection differ among people. We all need to find someone who has matching needs.

 

Having to give more in those areas than what comes naturally to you would be exhausting and not be sustainable. You would start resenting him or just lose respect for him.

 

Two weeks isn't long to process the breakup. Give yourself some time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
After 2 months it wasn't love, it was limerence. The impulsive part was the I love you's and the marriage talk.

 

I strongly agree.

 

You got caught up in a fantasy, OP. It's never wise to invest too heavily so early on, simply because you don't know what you're investing in yet.

 

In my experience, men who dive in headfirst and try to fast-track a relationship are best avoided. They usually disappear just as quickly and are not sincere in their big future talk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Reading_Josh

I don't think you can really truthfully believe anyone who bares their life and love to you after 2 months, or starts to plan families or talks marriage after 2 months. It just doesn’t feel too sincere to me.

 

It strikes of a need to fill their own gaps in life, not necessarily working with you as a partner to achieve what you both need in life. And that is what a relationship should be about, both of you on the same page going for the same goals at the same pace.

 

The key bit which strikes me is your opening sentence - immediately you weren't really compatible with each other. It's impossible not to get caught up in the initial thrill though, and of course we get taken along with it and for the first few months it's amazing, but at the end of the day you were both on different pages from the start.

 

Never blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong or create a problem - you were just two different people looking for two different routes.

 

Being with someone who is taking it fast when you're not comfortable at that speed is an extremely emotionally exhausting experience. Just take some time out, focus on yourself and the people we are compatible with will come knocking at our door after time (not literally, that would be all too flaming easy)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I feel so bad because I am thinking that this is truly the reason why he broke up with me. As in, I'm having all these thoughts that I was not being attentive, that I was not telling him where I was all the time ( and it makes me feel bad), I feel bad that maybe I was not reassuring enough so he can trust me( he's been cheated on so many times) I was not affectionate enough, I was not happy enough and so he decided to go.

 

You dated for 2 months.

 

Whatever issues he has because he was cheated on in the past were not yours to fix. You couldn't reassure him anyway. It was all in his head not on you.

 

At only 2 months in you were already too attentive. You can't be with a new person 24/7. That is not healthy. IMO at most you should have had 12-16 dates over those 8 weeks.

 

A SO is not a parole officer. You have no obligation to tell anybody besides a jailer where you are at all times. Where did you even get the idea that some how he broke up with you because he didn't know where you were? A good relationship involves trust. Part of that is assuming your SO is living their life, not cheating on you & it doesn't require keeping close tabs on the other or using the GPS applications in phones.

 

This relationship ended because you both had unreasonable expectations & were expecting instant intimacy. Plus your guy wasn't mature enough to handle a good relationship & you have some screwy ideas about what a good relationship looks like. You need more space & more trust. Being glued to somebody is not healthy.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Even if two people are mean't to be together and things are perfect, etc., it's not good to smother each other early on. Smothering like that so early is usually just hormones and in love with the vision of a relationship and a future, not the real people in front of each other.

 

 

 

Don't get too tangled up so quickly no matter how good things seem. A little space is a good thing and it's healthy. A little space is like a little oxygen for a fire. Oxygen helps the flame grow.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

 

I just wanted to give more context when I mentioned that maybe I didn't tell him where I was, was I was doing. I agree with you that in a relationship there should be trust from the very start, however, he was the one to always tell me where he was and what he was doing and I felt like this was his way of keeping me in the loop. I did find it excesive but I just went with it. I didn't do it though and he always ended up asking me where I am, what am I doing.

 

He would also comment on how often I was online on Whataspp which again I found it weird but I just went with it. We would see each other on a Tuesday because we was off the Wednesday and I had flexi at work and could of gone to work later than my normal start time. We would see each other on Fridays and Saturdays as well which was really just me staying at his and spending the night. We went to see two movies and went out with some of his friends twice. There were days when I asked for my space and he would always say that maybe some alone time would do him good as well. Wednesdays and Thursdays would have his son over and from the get go I knew this would be very beneficial.

 

There was also a controlling side to him. We went for a gig and placed my hand on another's guys shoulders to indicate him that I wanted to move past him and he grabbed my hand and pulled it off him and just asked 'what are you doing?'. On another instance, he tapped me on my left shoulder and I just turned to the right first for some whatever reason and so he asked, 'why would you turn to the right first?'

 

The thing that indicated to me that he was not trusting me was that he made a comment that 'cheating is inevitable' implying that every woman ends up cheating. So we started a conversation and this is what he was thinking indeed. All I did after was to reassure him that I never cheated and I dont have the intention either. I also told him that it is not my role to convince him that I will not cheat and this should come from him trusting me.

 

Looking back at everything I know these are no good signs. And we both agreed that we have demons and loads of things to work through. And this is exactly what I was doing, working through mine whilst being with him. I just want to say that after two months of being together I kind of expected a little bit more effort on his side because he didn't plan no dates, and all that we did was to stay at his and watch movies.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you all for your replies and for having the patience to read this.

 

It has been just over two weeks since we've broken up and he is back to dating now, whilst I am here licking my wounds. Why does it feel so wrong? As much as I am telling myself that this is over and he has every right to move one and date somebody else I can't help feeling that is it just wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat

You dated for two mere months in which time he love bombed you (google that term) and then when you reciprocate, he bolted.

 

He's an idiot, you're lucky to be free of him and it scares me that you are so tormented over a d-bag you barely even knew.

 

Next him from your head and get on with finding someone who isn't such an idiot. Learn from this in that if some guy is talking about marrying you and love bombing you within such a short period of time, consider it a red flag and do the fade.

 

Feel better soon... and you will when you stop letting this dufus rent space in your head for free. He's not worth even giving another thought to.

 

I kind of expected a little bit more effort on his side because he didn't plan no dates, and all that we did was to stay at his and watch movies.
Better known as Netflix and Chill. (and now he's off being the same d-bag to some other chick who will fall for his science.) He's fluff, don't give him another thought. Edited by Beendaredonedat
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
heatherbliss

Hi and thank you for sharing your story today with us. I'm sorry for what you've experienced in your relationship.

 

There are no cookie-cutter answers here but I do know that people make choices in life without giving consideration to other people's feelings and emotions. So please don't blame yourself for your boyfriend's negative actions or behavior.

What's happened may be a blessing in disguise.

 

Please know also that your value and worth as a woman does not depend on anyone's treatment of you. You are precious in God's eyes and worthy of much love and respect. I pray you can move on from this place of deep disappointment and begin to see yourself as God sees you. There will be more opportunities to meet the right person in the future. The best is yet to come...Hugs and blessings!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to hear what happened and I know it hurts. The guy lovebombed you and led you to think he was really serious about you. Some guys do this - heaven knows why! It's like they get carried away briefly - I say briefly because a guy who behaves like this is not stable. He probably switches from being in love to not being in love in an instant. You have done nothing wrong except to trust someone a bit too soon.

 

I would not assume anything about a relationship - no matter what they guy says - until you have been together for at least a year.

 

I am very wary of guys who say they have been cheated on and who tend to complain how girls cheat on them and can't be trusted. This tends to make any new girl think she has to be more reliable and trustworthy to 'prove' to this guy that she won't hurt him like all the others. I have learned to pay attention to what a guy focuses on in early conversations. If he conversations are about how he has been cruelly cheated on, then reverse that and think 'this guy is very focused on cheating for some reason' and I would be careful about trusting his story. He may well be the one doing all the cheating!

 

The way he broke up with you sounds strangely planned. Why bring a bottle of wine to a break-up? That is just weird! It's almost as if he is practiced at doing this. In fact, I bet he has done this a lot - swept girls off their feet then broke up with them when they started to believe his 'future-faking' talk.

 

I know you are hurt and wondering if you did anything wrong. You didn't - but I do feel he led you on. All you can do is to learn from this experience and exercise caution with what a guy says in future. Time is what tells you whether a guy is committed or not - time and putting you first.

 

I would not contact the guy - not that you've said you will do - or allow him back into your life again, even in a small way like a text. He is no longer entitled to your time and attention. The best thing you can do now is to shed your tears and then get out there with friends and enjoy yourself. Remember, you were honourable and cared for him; that makes you a pretty special kind of person in my book. You are a lot wiser now, though I know it came at a price xx

Edited by spiderowl
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@spiderowl @heatherbliss

 

Thank you both! Such nice, and lovely encouraging replies, I am truly grateful!

 

It will be a month on Tuesday ever since we've broke up. I am pretty sure he is dating someone else already because he has blocked me on the dating app where we met. To be honest with you, I hope he finds the girl that he will commit to and let somebody good in his life, but considering all the bad things that are going on in his life and the damage that he accumulated I don't think he will have a healthy relationship, not until he looks inside and try to pull the bad from the root so to speak.

 

I have tried to go back to online dating and after a few swipes I felt guilty for doing it and also didn't actually find anyone attractive or willing to talk to. I still think about him and my mood is up and down. Down, especially when I get reminded of him.

 

The good part is that I have a new better job and I am ready to emerse myself in learning everything I have to learn about the job. On the other hand, I know it might sound scary and slightly obsessive but I cannot stop thinking that he will eventually text me and I will not know what to say. I feel like he will always have some sort of spell on me, maybe I feel like this because he is still on my mind and maybe I am not allowing myself to let him go. It was so short lived and I think what hurts the most is what could of been or the fact that it ended before it even started.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat

Maybe you'd do well to get yourself into therapy to help you process such a short relationship??

 

You are allowing it to rule you far too much so any help with a professional to get you to let go can't hurt

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm afraid he just wasn't really sincere. But honestly, he's too controlling and jealous, which turns into abuse on some level and is rooted in his own insecurity. So I don't think this was anyone you'd want to settle down with anyway. You are more level-headed than him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
@spiderowl @heatherbliss

 

Thank you both! Such nice, and lovely encouraging replies, I am truly grateful!

 

It will be a month on Tuesday ever since we've broke up. I am pretty sure he is dating someone else already because he has blocked me on the dating app where we met. To be honest with you, I hope he finds the girl that he will commit to and let somebody good in his life, but considering all the bad things that are going on in his life and the damage that he accumulated I don't think he will have a healthy relationship, not until he looks inside and try to pull the bad from the root so to speak.

 

I have tried to go back to online dating and after a few swipes I felt guilty for doing it and also didn't actually find anyone attractive or willing to talk to. I still think about him and my mood is up and down. Down, especially when I get reminded of him.

 

The good part is that I have a new better job and I am ready to emerse myself in learning everything I have to learn about the job. On the other hand, I know it might sound scary and slightly obsessive but I cannot stop thinking that he will eventually text me and I will not know what to say. I feel like he will always have some sort of spell on me, maybe I feel like this because he is still on my mind and maybe I am not allowing myself to let him go. It was so short lived and I think what hurts the most is what could of been or the fact that it ended before it even started.

 

It's natural you should feel this way, Aleahim. It is too soon. I found it took about 3 months before I could really see beyond a guy who behaved similarly with me, but I am so glad he did not want to come back because I would have been tempted at first. Now I look back and see him for what he was - he had a temper that he 'managed' by walking away to cool down and I trusted that it would never turn into more. I was keeping an eye on it though. He was not right for me and whatever you feel I am sure this guy is not right for you. If he was, he would not have hurt you so much.

It takes a few weeks so do not expect much of yourself in terms of dating yet. Time will really help though.

 

Great news about the job, well done! You sound a lovely woman and you deserve someone who recognises that not someone who hurts you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
lana-banana

I dated one of these --- it lasted longer than two months but it was absolutely the same whirlwind of emotions and meetings and crazed talk of love and soulmates and everything, then suddenly it ended. He swore he'd never forget me, that he'd grieve the end of this for years and years, that I was obviously the one true love of his life. Meanwhile I spent eons afterwards traumatized by the breakup, thinking that the emotions were so strong that it couldn't possibly be the end. Even as I tried dating other people, none of them felt the same. I couldn't replicate that high. Surely there had to be another chapter, right? Right?

 

Spoiler alert: he started dating a new girl within a month or so. They're married now. He wasn't a sociopath or a monster, as much as I wanted to tell myself that at the time. He was just extremely immature and had no idea how to handle his feelings.

 

Chin up. I know it feels like your soul is physically crushed into pieces but I promise you this too will pass. Eventually you're going to meet someone who's over the moon for you and emotionally mature about it, and it's going to utterly rock your world. As much as I wince thinking about how heartbroken I was then, it was all worth it for when I finally met and fell in love with my husband.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Hello all,

 

Once again thank you for all the comments and advice

 

It is soon to be around a 1 and a half since we broke up and I wanted to give an update. I have finally deleted his number out my phone and I really feel like a weight has been lifted. I don't think about him as much, I go on about my day and everything is starting to feel like normal again. My confidence is almost back up and I have started swiping on dating app without feeling guilty. I don't know if he noticed or not ( because on WhatsApp you can see if somebody deleted you contact out their phone) but I truly say that because he is not saying anything it just makes things so much easier for me. I am constantly being asked to get with somebody else and I will forget about him, but it is not how I work. I will wait because I don't want to ruin somebody just because I am not over my ex. I have done it once and it still haunts today.

 

There have been precious lessons out of this and I think my boundaries are now much more defined.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am glad you are feeling a little more distanced from it Alahim. It is a painful experience and not easy to process; it does just take time.

 

You are noticing little steps of improvement. This guy is not worthy of you, just remember that. He is probably creating havoc in other people's lives now.

 

Taking it slow is definitely better, it gives you chance to really get to know a guy. If he starts out with all the 'love' stuff, be wary. Look at how impulsive he is in life in general.

 

You've been hurt but you are a strong and reasonable person. I am sure you will learn from this and put that to good use. You will meet someone wonderful when you are emotionally ready.

Edited by spiderowl
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...