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How Serious Are These Red Flags??


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So I met this girl from online.

 

We dated for 4 months, but I recently ended it with her.

 

Over the course of the four months she slowly revealed more things about herself, and I came to the conclusion that I don't think I could trust her in a Long Term

Relationship.

 

I am a little confused about if I did the right thing... The sex and attraction between us was insane, and she was the hottest girl I ever dated.

 

I also enjoyed her company and we had things in common.

 

She even talked about me moving in with her, meeting her family etc. Got totally sucked into this idea of getting serious with her.

 

 

What are your thoughts on the Red Flags??

 

 

01.Was abused as a child from the age of 5 upwards.

 

02.Has self harmed herself at some point in the past, has scars on her arms.

 

03.Has worked as a semi nude dancer in bars & clubs & various hotels around the world some years ago.

 

04.Has done nude modelling, bondage modelling & has been involved with pornography too.. she told me from the filming side of it, but she could be lying.

 

05.The guy she did the nude modelling for, the photographer stops at her house with her, every other month.. I think he runs a photography company, but dabbles in porno too.

 

He looks old and ugly, probably in his 60s, but she claims they have never had sex, and wants me to be okay with the situation or for me to be present everytime he comes over to sleep at her house.

 

How can this situation be strictly platonic, when he has photographed or filmed her private parts?

 

06.She uses cocaine occasionally and has a friend who is addicted to cocaine, that she lends money to.. Financially irresponsible!

 

Also I don't know how serious her cocaine use is, she could be an addict for all

I know, or become an addict one day.

 

 

07.She has many male friends, and talks about them very often.

 

 

08.She claims to have taken part in a 3sum and foursome in the past, but didn't enjoy it.

 

 

09.She has had a 6 year Lesbian relationship too, but claims they didn't have sex.

 

 

10.She admits to having intamicy issues, due to her history.

 

11.She made little effort to text me..Usually only hear from her once a day, for a few minutes. The communication between us, was rather brief and regimented.

 

13. We once had a little fallout, and she pulled away, and reduced communication with me, imstead of talking things over like an adult.

 

14. She invited me to her brothers birthday party, everyone was pretty drunk.. One of the very close family freinds said to me.. GOOD LUCK MATE, SHE IS YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

 

That really scared me... I kind of feel like she is too damaged to have a relationship with.. and she doesn't have good morality or values.

 

The nudity and porn she claims is all in her past years ago, however it is still a reflection of her character.

 

Also keep in mind... The pornographer is still on the scene and stops at her house, and she still uses cocaine.

 

How do i know that she won't get into financial difficulties one day, and with the encouragement of the pornographer start doing nudity again or worse?

 

The influence and the cocaine is still there.

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I would say it depends whether you are really in love with each other or not, I don't know if I am the only person on this site who believes in true love, or at least trying to approximate it.

 

You are starting to think practically about the future, it will obviously be a challenge given what she has been through and is still going through.

 

If you're not ok with her being photographed or using cocaine, then you should tell her that.

 

If she really loves you she will make efforts to reach a satisfactory conclusion to both of you.

 

It then depends on how firm you are and how much of a deal breaker it is for both of you.

 

I certainly don't think you should be planning a future together unless you are in love.

 

So far all you have said is that the mutual attraction and sex was "insane".

 

That is not love.

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I would say it depends whether you are really in love with each other or not, I don't know if I am the only person on this site who believes in true love, or at least trying to approximate it.

 

You are starting to think practically about the future, it will obviously be a challenge given what she has been through and is still going through.

 

If you're not ok with her being photographed or using cocaine, then you should tell her that.

 

If she really loves you she will make efforts to reach a satisfactory conclusion to both of you.

 

It then depends on how firm you are and how much of a deal breaker it is for both of you.

 

I certainly don't think you should be planning a future together unless you are in love.

 

So far all you have said is that the mutual attraction and sex was "insane".

 

That is not love.

 

 

 

Love isn't enough.... Men fall in love with toxic woman all of the time, and get burned for life.

 

Trust is the key... I don't think love and trust can flourish in this sleazy environment.

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I would say that the majority of these are more personal red flags, rather than objective ones. For example, I would be alright to be with someone who used cocaine once in a while, as long as it was discreet and not an actual problem, because I am comfortable and friends with people who have done it, and that is just my own experience. On the other hand, I could never accept to be with someone who did nude modelling or dancing, as I am a rather private person and conservative about those things. While reading your post, I could think of people who I know who would run away so fast, but I could also think of someone I know who would be fine with all of this.

 

Considering that you had trust issues after learning more about her, I believe you made the right choice. Personally, I would have done the same. An abusive and self destructive past, drugs, strange professional relationships, work history in the adult area, intimacy problems - all of it together just screams danger to me. It also does not sound like you come from the same background at all, and that is why all of these things really stood out for you. I support you having ended it.

 

Trust is the key... I don't think love and trust can flourish in this sleazy environment.

 

Exactly.

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PegNosePete

There is no way I would date someone like that.

 

Red flags are red flags for a reason. Red flag means STOP. Not "carry on with caution"... that is a yellow flag.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

#1 explains #s 2-14. Some people overcome their childhood trauma, and some do not. At the very least, it sounds like she needs more healing time. I think I'd heed the advice of #14...

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I have dated someone almost exactly like that. Indeed she was the only girlfriend I ever had.

 

It ended because of trust too.

 

So I guess people are right here.

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#1 explains #s 2-14. Some people overcome their childhood trauma, and some do not. At the very least, it sounds like she needs more healing time. I think I'd heed the advice of #14...

I agree which is why I was talking about love. My ex-girlfriend said right at the beginning she could "love anybody". That actually gave me mixed feelings despite my mental health problems leading me to think nobody could ever love me. It showed how hurt she was. If the OP is not prepared to love her unconditionally and give her the support she needs to heal then it is a good thing that he broke it off, which is why I say it depends on love.

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If she's still recently been doing corn and all that then clearly she has not gotten over her abuse issues. That's why she's doing all this.

 

For me this would be a huge deal breaker.

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Michelle ma Belle

You did the right thing.

 

Seriously, I might have been able to defend this woman had she had one or two minor 'red flags' but 14?!?!? Absolutely not.

 

This is proof of how a f*cked up childhood can dramatically alter the trajectory of one's life, good or bad. In this case, bad...very bad.

 

It's no secret that broken and damaged girls are often wild in bed - the need for attention and validation is enormous. The sex keeps men stuck in these toxic relationships despite knowing they need to get out.

 

As a parent, I ache for her but she is a young adult adult and this is her battle to fight and win, not yours.

 

She doesn't sound like she's doing anything to heal herself which means there is no end to her pain and therefore no end to her shenanigans.

 

This is a no-brainer. You did the right thing.

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Its not my job to FIX woman... Many men have destroyed there own lives, trying to fix another.

 

If all the sleazy stuff was in the long distance and she had overcome her obstacles buy taking the HIGHER path, and became a reformed character, then she could be considered for a LTR... but with MUCH RISK.

 

However look at it from my perspective... There is a man sleeping in her house under her roof every other month, whom is a SLEAZY pornographer.

 

He must have money and influence... Does she have sex with him once a while.. does he supply her with cocaine.. is there some bdsm bondage thing going on.

 

 

How many men would be happy with this sleazy set up... NOT MANY

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You did the right thing.

 

Seriously, I might have been able to defend this woman had she had one or two minor 'red flags' but 14?!?!? Absolutely not.

 

This is proof of how a f*cked up childhood can dramatically alter the trajectory of one's life, good or bad. In this case, bad...very bad.

 

It's no secret that broken and damaged girls are often wild in bed - the need for attention and validation is enormous. The sex keeps men stuck in these toxic relationships despite knowing they need to get out.

 

As a parent, I ache for her but she is a young adult adult and this is her battle to fight and win, not yours.

 

She doesn't sound like she's doing anything to heal herself which means there is no end to her pain and therefore no end to her shenanigans.

 

This is a no-brainer. You did the right thing.

 

 

EXACTLY it is the WILD sex that kept me hooked and her incredible beauty...

 

As a TEST I suggested to her, that we go to a SWINGERS club together... And she seemed perfectly happy about it... I obviously didn't take her.

 

Even though the sex is wild... I can sense the underlying danger... the pitfalls and mistrust and possible heartbreak that awaits me, if I had fallen in love with her.

 

 

This is why I ran... and tried to save myself... Believe me it HURTS... I really liked her, but I don't think this is the type of person you can invest long term in.

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Michelle ma Belle
Its not my job to FIX woman... Many men have destroyed there own lives, trying to fix another.

 

If all the sleazy stuff was in the long distance and she had overcome her obstacles buy taking the HIGHER path, and became a reformed character, then she could be considered for a LTR... but with MUCH RISK.

 

However look at it from my perspective... There is a man sleeping in her house under her roof every other month, whom is a SLEAZY pornographer.

 

He must have money and influence... Does she have sex with him once a while.. does he supply her with cocaine.. is there some bdsm bondage thing going on.

 

 

How many men would be happy with this sleazy set up... NOT MANY

 

I don't think anyone is disputing this.

 

You did the right thing ending it with her.

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You saved yourself a lot of pain and drama.

 

She's not a safe bet and never will be.

 

You were smart to let that be someone else's problem

 

Nice job

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If she's still recently been doing corn and all that then clearly she has not gotten over her abuse issues. That's why she's doing all this.

 

For me this would be a huge deal breaker.

 

Oops. Porn. Corn is actually fine. I myself do corn.

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In about 1971, I ended up with a porn filmmaker staying at my house for a few days. No, didn't have sex with him. I had met him and his twin brother (one had hair to his waist and the other didn't) out at a pancake house and they were running from the law in California. He was surprisingly undevicive with me and just hanging out. I was surprised. I had no idea what to expect. I was a young hippie and we just took in people willy nilly. I had lived in a commune the summer before. I can't remember his name, but I have a photo of him and me where I look particularly scraggly standing outside the bar where I worked wearing my dishtowel. Ah, good times.

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You did the right thing.

 

Seriously, I might have been able to defend this woman had she had one or two minor 'red flags' but 14?!?!? Absolutely not.

 

This is proof of how a f*cked up childhood can dramatically alter the trajectory of one's life, good or bad. In this case, bad...very bad.

 

It's no secret that broken and damaged girls are often wild in bed - the need for attention and validation is enormous. The sex keeps men stuck in these toxic relationships despite knowing they need to get out.

 

As a parent, I ache for her but she is a young adult adult and this is her battle to fight and win, not yours.

 

She doesn't sound like she's doing anything to heal herself which means there is no end to her pain and therefore no end to her shenanigans.

 

This is a no-brainer. You did the right thing.

 

Alot of these men who stay in these relationships, eventually get burned.. or even commit suicide.

 

 

She did actually mention that one of her exes ended up in prison... I said to her jokingly...

 

OMG is that what happens to men who date you? I am worried.

 

She was a little drunk, but she replied... No you will be okay.. You don't mess around with kids do you.

 

I was baffled... There must be some sinister history between her and this ex.. ANOTHER RED FLAG

 

I think maybe one of her exes turned out to be a pedophile.

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No way man! Run!!

 

 

I did run man... But I feel like I am withdrawing from a drug lol

 

Its very difficult.. Its only been one week yet

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The abuse and the life she’s got into isn’t her fault and it doesn’t make her a bad person or someone who doesn’t deserve love. However, you need to be fully happy with whatever situation you’re in, so I think breaking it off was the right thing to do. I personally wouldn’t get involved with someone who takes drugs because it’s too unpredictable and dangerous. You will not feel stable or happy with someone in that situation for long.

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I personally think you did the right thing. That is a hell of allot of problems for one person. The abuse clearly messed her up and she turned to porn and drugs because of her low self worth. The old guy sleeping over at her place? wtf? That is seriously sketchy. That's a major no no.

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I personally think you did the right thing. That is a hell of allot of problems for one person. The abuse clearly messed her up and she turned to porn and drugs because of her low self worth. The old guy sleeping over at her place? wtf? That is seriously sketchy. That's a major no no.

 

 

Obviously she hasn't completely left her old life behind.. The seedy old pornographer will always be on the scene.

 

No self respecting man would expect this type of situation.

 

Then I don't know how bad the cocaine issue is with her, or how much worse it was likely to get.

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Does the phrase "run for the hills" mean anything to you?

 

 

I already did.. I nearly got suckered into a relationship with her.

 

The love bombing started early... 3 months in, she suggested that I move in with her.

 

I did catch feelings for her, but luckily came to my senses and finished it, before I got in too deep.

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