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Did I do the right thing?


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Reading_Josh

Hi All,

 

I’m looking for some thoughts as to what happened here and looking for some reassurance as to what I’ve done – was it the right thing?

We’d been together for about 4-5 months, we had an amazing time and enjoyed memories I’ll never forget. She often used to play the fantasy card in how she wants pets, a picket fence in the front of the house and x number of kids etc. Of course, we all want a happy family life such as this and I didn’t disagree that I wanted the same, because I do.

 

The key part came down to when.

 

As I said, we’d only been together for 4-5 months, we lived over 100 miles apart and only saw each other at weekends when we alternated our travel – those times were amazing though, don’t get me wrong. On her Birthday last month, and exactly 4 months after we started dating, she made it clear she wanted to be pregnant by the end of the year to start to achieve her family and life goals, she then wanted another 3 before she was 28/29 (she is 25). I was a bit taken a back. I said eventually I’d love the same, but surely this is just too soon?

 

1) – We don’t live near each other. Neither of us have the prospect of moving near to each other any time soon.

2) – Our jobs and careers were still growing. We are not where we want to be yet – We’re both mid/early 20’s at the end of the day.

3) – We don’t have our own places.

4) – We’ve only been seeing each other for 4-5 months. I like to think I know her well, but surely you need to live with each other for a good while before you dive into the parenthood chats.

 

So I said - look, wait. We need to get a structure in place first, live together for a bit, get to know each other more because 4-5 months isn’t anything really. But that wasn’t acceptable as she had the plan and her dates set in her head, she needed to be pregnant by the autumn. It killed me to do it, but I told her it doesn’t match what I want at the moment and I’m being sensible in that there’s no structure or longevity to even contemplate this right now.

 

There was no real reasoning though and she was set, so the only option I had was to let her go so she can find someone who can give her what she needs. What scared me though is when she said ‘As you’ve left me, then I’ll probably have to go for a donor now to get pregnant by the end of the year’ – that to me screamed alarms, she’s doing this for her. Not for her partner (what was I, just a donor myself?), not for the baby, it’s just for her to fulfil her life fantasy for her own selfish reasons. What about the kid growing up having an unknown father?

 

Reluctantly we’ve obviously separated as you can’t be in a relationship when such a key thing is at loggerheads. I just hope I’ve done the right thing? It feels very empty at the moment, I feel a bit alone and looking to fill holes – but I guess that’s better than diving into something I wasn’t ready for in my own mind. A kid is a huge commitment and that kid deserves both sides to be there and ready for it, that’s why I’ve done what I’ve done as I was honest as I’m not in the right place yet. It was very hard though, as I liked her so much.

 

I will be interested to hear people’s views on what I’ve done, or any similar experiences. How do I move forward from here? It feels empty right now.

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Flame Aura

Hello Josh, I can relate.

 

 

My ex was similar - she had it in her head she wanted to get pregnant within x years. Whenever the subject of having a kid came up, my response was 'yes, when the time is right, it will happen'. We were in a LDR (UK - USA) so we had a lot of other stuff to sort out first. Moving countries, buying a house together etc. She was also 2/3 years older than me (28/30) and felt her 'clock was ticking'.

 

 

This was actually the catalyst for our breakup.. (not the only reason). A conversation with her family came up about us having a kid, and I just didn't say much as I felt I was being pressured into having a kid sooner than I wanted. She brought it up that I never seemed enthusiastic about the idea, and if I don't want a child with her then what is the point. She couldn't understand that I wasn't ready at that time and I didn't have a set timeframe in the future for when to have one, just when the time would be right, it would happen.

 

 

Long story short we ended up breaking up soon after due to a number of reasons, before anyone moved countries, as I just realised I didn't feel it would work out long term.

 

 

I currently have a new girlfriend, and we have both already agreed first we need to buy a house together, get married, travel as much as we can, and only then have a baby together. I'm 100% certain I want her to be my baby's mother.

 

I guess my point is I think you did the right thing. It really hurt when I broke up with my ex but I knew it was for the best for both of us, long term. Only time can help you heal but one day you will meet someone who is on the same page as you and understands.

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There was no real reasoning though and she was set, so the only option I had was to let her go so she can find someone who can give her what she needs. What scared me though is when she said ‘As you’ve left me, then I’ll probably have to go for a donor now to get pregnant by the end of the year’ – that to me screamed alarms, she’s doing this for her. Not for her partner (what was I, just a donor myself?), not for the baby, it’s just for her to fulfil her life fantasy for her own selfish reasons. What about the kid growing up having an unknown father?

 

I'll start by saying yes, your alarms were right and you did the right thing.

 

I understand children are important for women and they do feel the clock is ticking but you are also important and so is your partnership with her, and your future together etc. You don't just jump into things like that without carefully planning it out...especially not today. Trust, loyalty and respect have to be earned and connection has to be built over time. It's not something that can be handed over or produced just like that.

 

Considering you both lived far away from eachother, you'd have to move in first and see what it feels like to be together on a regular basis. That in itself is a huge step for you. It requires trust, loyalty, faith and financial stability from a stable career. Then if you guys care about marriage, that has to be discussed, which means you have to plan for the wedding which requires more savings. Once that's sorted..then children.

 

It's completely unreasonable for her to expect you to commit this deeply in when you're only 4-5 months in. Red flag.

 

Good call standing your ground.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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wow that's a lot of pressure to put on you. I agree you did the right thing. Imagine… if you gave into this demand... what would be next? You dodge a bullet on this one dude....

 

peace

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Reading_Josh

Thanks for the replies - I'm glad you can see where I'm coming from, I’m glad I spotted the red flags as soon as I did to be honest – although maybe I should have done it sooner.

 

@Flame Aura – really good to hear from someone with a similar experience. It sounds almost identical in the demand you were getting and that there was no compromise etc. It’s good to hear you’ve moved on since and found someone who respects your views. I hope I can do the same, as at the moment I feel a bit lost.

 

@Rayce I agree, it was an insane amount of pressure on me. I liked her a lot, I didn’t really know what to do or how to approach it straight away, you never want to upset someone you care about. I think unintentionally I had started backing off a little, the bedroom stuff wasn’t happening anymore because I wasn’t pushing it. Subconsciously I think I knew what she wanted before she even made it 100% clear, and it was probably playing on my mind and it didn’t feel right.

 

She picked up on this after a month or so and took me to town on it, it was all my fault, I wasn’t interested anymore etc. And that’s when it call came to a head and she made it 100% clear what she wanted - and as much as she said she was infatuated with me, I think she was infatuated with being a mum more.

 

Whilst I agree that it's important for them, I think I wasn't shown enough respect in that it's important for me as well. I think she wants children for all the wrong reasons and it's just her trying to fulfil her own need, rather than thinking about others.

 

As I said, we had some amazing times and did some amazing things. This did rumble on in the background, so I just had to be clear in the end and there was no compromise! I truly hope for her sake she doesn’t rush and dive into something just to get to her goal of being pregnant by the autumn, she's going to struggle to find anyone who will give her what she wants to be honest.

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You definitely did the right thing. She was only thinking about what she wanted and not about what you wanted which is unreasonable on her part because her goals were for her only and not both of you as a couple. It seems that yes, she only saw you as a doner.

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ExpatInItaly

You did the right thing, without a doubt.

 

Her entire thought process here reflects a serious lack of maturity and judgement on her part, which would compromise the relationship even if she weren’t insisting on having children right now. It might be different if she otherwise had her life together, was established and independent. But, based on your description, she’s nowhere near that. She’s living in a fantasy in her head if she really thinks having a baby is a wise decision at this point in her life. It doesn’t appear she is in any position to support a child on her own.

 

You might have had some good times together but you are going to be much better off with a more mature and rational woman.

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doyathinkso

Oh you soooooooo did the right thing.

 

 

The last thing you want is to end up being a mangled corpse in the impending train wreck of her life.

 

 

It's all about her. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

 

 

Pity the poor kid that she manages to spawn. The foster system is already overburdened.

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You didn't only do the right thing, you did the only right one. She sounds really selfish and blind. Your reasons are totally legitimate and impossible to argue with them.

 

As you already said, her answer shows how extremely selfish she is.

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Reading_Josh

Really reassuring to hear from you all, you do sometimes second guess in your mind certain things you do, but this was clearly the only option and hearing from you all just helps confirm that.

 

I guess I'm more nervous about where I go from here. We're not going to stay friends, I made that clear, as I saw sides of her I didn't like when she realised she couldn't get what she wanted. I don’t really need or want someone like that in my life.

 

Plenty more fish in the sea they say, but at times like this it looks like a wide open ocean with no one else in sight!

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Reading_Josh

So as a way of an update to this, today I've found out that she has already moved on and has started seeing someone else, less than a week after I ended it! Maybe she'll get her baby farm now.

 

So if that doesn't add weight to the ''I did the right thing'' argument, then I don't know what else will!

 

 

It feels weird though. Like these last few months didn't really mean anything. I thought I treated her really well, always going out, expensive meals, and expensive holidays, all that stuff. She pulled her weight sometimes, but it was more than often me putting my hand in my pocket.

 

I honestly thought she was true and genuine, so now it just casts total doubt into my mind as to who is out there and if I’m actually a good judge at all. At the moment, I feel the need to fill a gap which is why I’m trying to 100% convince myself to not go on dates or find anyone else for the foreseeable, as I think it would be for the wrong reason. (Unless anyone thinks I should be throwing myself out there already!) This has been a ****ty experience all told, so I guess I need time to get to know myself again and rebalance my flaming bank account.

 

Life sucks balls sometimes. No other way of putting it.

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@Reading_Josh

 

Wow. It never fails to amaze how screwed up some people are.

 

It's people like this that ruin it for everybody. Spending the time, the money, the energy on good faith is a tough thing to do because people like her exist. So you screen them and get to know them and think you've gotten a good idea only to get played for a fool, after doing all that. It really breaks something inside. Makes you question your judgement, which doesn't just destroy your trust in her..it can severely damage your ability to trust potentials in the future. They are energy vampires.

 

Just imagine if you weren't secure enough. You would have succumb to her demands and your life would have been ruined. You dodged a bullet.

 

My advice..take your time, stay out of the scene for awhile and focus on your career and the things you love doing or learning. Dive right into it 100%. While doing this, travel, meet lots of new people but also learn to enjoy your own company as well, gain perspective and experience and remember to take care, love and laugh with the people who genuinely love you. When you're living your life in line with what's in your heart, you'll feel more at peace with yourself, so this is one of the most therapeutic things you can do for yourself. The results it brings is going to make you secure, self-sufficient, open minded, and more energetic because it'll bring you good days. You'll exude those good emotions and good vibes which you've made for yourself, to people around you. Everybody, whether good or bad for you, enjoys being around people who are positive and full of energy. Eventually, one of those people may likely be a good catch.

 

But don't do this to meet people or to make friends or for relationships. Do it for you.

 

I practice this myself now and it's done me well.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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Reading_Josh

Thank you Beachead, really nice words.

 

 

I will certainly take on board what you've said. Need to focus on myself for a bit as you said, then oppertunities will arise i'm sure!

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ExpatInItaly

You have a really good head on your shoulders, OP.

 

This will serve you well in your next relationship; don't forget that.

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@Reading_Josh

 

New opportunities will arise for sure. Don't waste a second worrying about that. Like ExpatItaly said, you have your head on straight. It'll do you well in your next relationship.

 

- Beach

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Reading_Josh

This is not getting any easier.

 

 

She's now telling me she's pregnant. I don't quite understand how as nothing really happened between us for a good while, but she says she is.

 

 

She's not pining for me back from what I can senese, it was a very cold message and I don't really know how to respond now.

 

 

Is she playing a game? Do I just ignore and watch from the distance to see how it plays out?

 

 

Honestly never thought she'd turn into this type, never in a million years.

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ExpatInItaly
Is she playing a game? Do I just ignore and watch from the distance to see how it plays out?

 

Oh, dear.

 

No, I wouldn't just ignore that message. You don't know that she's just playing a game at this point. She could be telling the truth. I would ask her when she took the test and when her doctor's appointment is to confirm the pregnancy.

 

What sort of contraception were you using? Please tell me you were using something. When was the last time you slept together? It's entirely possible she's just discovering this now if her period has always been a little irregular and skipping a couple months is not unusual for her.

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Reading_Josh
Oh, dear.

 

No, I wouldn't just ignore that message. You don't know that she's just playing a game at this point. She could be telling the truth. I would ask her when she took the test and when her doctor's appointment is to confirm the pregnancy.

 

What sort of contraception were you using? Please tell me you were using something. When was the last time you slept together? It's entirely possible she's just discovering this now if her period has always been a little irregular and skipping a couple months is not unusual for her.

 

 

Of course I was using something. That was also another element of this which irked her, suggesting I never trusted her etc etc.

 

So it must have been at least 6/7 weeks ago now, she was open enough even a few weeks ago that she was having her period (I didn't pry too much). So this is why it's come out of the blue a bit and I’m finding it hard to believe.

 

I did respond and I did try to call and ask for some info/facts, but I'm not getting any response back. What on earth is going on?

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ExpatInItaly

Were you using a condom then, I gather? If so, I am assuming it didn't break, or you'd already have mentioned it.

 

I can see why you're skeptical. You did the right thing asking for more information. It could be a ruse to get your attention, but don't make any assumptions just yet. Wait until she replies.

 

If she does insist she is pregnant, tell her you will schedule an appointment with a doctor and bring her, so you can get confirmation together. If she is truly worried, she will likely appreciate the gesture. So do be prepared to follow up on that. If she balks and resists, then I think you need to let her know you will not be able to help or provide any support until you get independent verification that she is indeed pregnant and that you are the father.

 

You will know soon enough if she is just playing games for attention and sympathy, and I can certainly understand why you're concerned that this is what she is doing.

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She's had a period after the last time you slept together? Very high chance here that you are not the father, that's if she even is pregnant at all. Like someone suggested, ask for a doctors appointment that you can go with her to for confirmation.

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Good advice from ExpatInItaly.

 

Given the circumstances, I think it's wise to confirm she is pregnant and that you are the father.

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Reading_Josh

Absolutely agree with what you all say, what a rollercoaster life can be sometimes. And yes, I was 100% using a condom and nothing happened with it. Whilst I still trusted her, there was a nagging doubt in my mind, so I think I was pretty thorough (although not obvious to her)

 

I still can't get hold of her though. Won't answer my calls or messages, has seemingly blocked me from social media. Her friends are also not even communicating with me.

 

So, there's not much else I can do. And yes, she's had a period since. Whilst I don't try and get her to give me all the goss on her time of the month, it was pretty obvious the last time I think. (which was only a few weeks ago, which is why I was a little baffled by her claim)

 

In my opinion, what’s happening here is that she's still hurt and maybe upset that I didn't want what she wanted and she's now trying another tact, maybe as a way to cause me distress or worry in some way.

 

So whilst I’m genuinely not worried about this ‘pregnancy claim’, It hurts so bad right now, I honestly thought she'd be mature and listen to my views as to why I ended it and we'd still be civil - at the end of the day we had a really good link as friends, really close knit friendship. So it feels bizarre right now. As soon as she realised she couldn’t get what she wanted, she’s seemingly moved straight on and removed me from her life. I do feel very alone and I miss that genuine friendship I thought we had.

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ExpatInItaly
I still can't get hold of her though. Won't answer my calls or messages, has seemingly blocked me from social media. Her friends are also not even communicating with me.

 

So whilst I’m genuinely not worried about this ‘pregnancy claim’, It hurts so bad right now, I honestly thought she'd be mature and listen to my views as to why I ended it and we'd still be civil - at the end of the day we had a really good link as friends, really close knit friendship. So it feels bizarre right now. As soon as she realised she couldn’t get what she wanted, she’s seemingly moved straight on and removed me from her life. I do feel very alone and I miss that genuine friendship I thought we had.

 

I think you are correct that this claim she is pregnant is not genuine. She would be open to speaking to you if it were.

 

As soon as she started talking about wanting to be pregnant within X number of months, for no specific reason and so early into the relationship, was the moment she revealed she is really not the mature person you thought. I sense you actually did already know this, on some level, when she chirped about you not trusting her enough to not use a condom. There were a few signs along the way, I imagine.

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