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I'm an idiot and you were all right...


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I know I said I won't post here again because everyone's sceptical comments upset me (read my previous threads about the long distance guy)... But just wanted to let you know you were all right, people who posted on my last threads. And I was wrong.

So I finally visited the guy I was interested in (another European country), spent 4 days at his place, travelled around a little bit. Everything seemed perfect and I was almost certain things will progress. We had sex for the first time also, which he didn't insist on, that was mostly me - but to my defence, I thought we're about to let things progress and be bf and gf, so why not have sex... But on the last day he freaked out and basically ended it. Saying how he is afraid of long term commmitment, doesn't ever want to marry anyone, how the distance is suddenly such a huge problem and that he's been hurt too much by his previous girlfriends, not knowing he's ready to overcome it. He had a very strong emotional reaction and anxiety and said a lot of conflicting things. Doesn't seem to know what he truly feels. When I came back home, he seemed certain that it's over.

 

I'm such an idiot and I never learn. I deserve feeling like crap due to my stupidity.......

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I think there's no hope for me

Everyone my age and older are already broken by their previous experiences. Everyone has already given their best to someone and there's not much left.

The lucky ones found their partners early in life when both were still believing in love and relationship and they stick together. Not needing to go through different partners. I haven't found that and never will

 

This one hurts also because I recenly lost my beloved grandma and was imagining how this loss will lead to gaining something. Her spirit leading me to someone right. But of course such things don't exist and nobody lead me anywhere, especially not to someone right...

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You are using catastrophising language like “everyone”, “never” etc. The fact of the matter is that you don’t know any of these things for sure. You might find someone tomorrow, you might find someone in ten years, you might never find someone. There is no way of knowing that.

 

About people being broken and good ones taken, it’s not that black and white. Yes, people have baggage but that doesn’t mean that there is an on and off switch that you’re either broken or healthy. Most of the people learn from experience and first relationships in very young age often don’t last. This doesn’t mean that there is something irreversibly wrong with these people for the rest of their lives.

 

Of course the breakup is so fresh that it’s ok to vent.

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You are using catastrophising language like “everyone”, “never” etc. The fact of the matter is that you don’t know any of these things for sure. You might find someone tomorrow, you might find someone in ten years, you might never find someone. There is no way of knowing that.

 

About people being broken and good ones taken, it’s not that black and white. Yes, people have baggage but that doesn’t mean that there is an on and off switch that you’re either broken or healthy. Most of the people learn from experience and first relationships in very young age often don’t last. This doesn’t mean that there is something irreversibly wrong with these people for the rest of their lives.

 

Of course the breakup is so fresh that it’s ok to vent.

 

Most people I know started young and are all still together, married or about to get married. Most of my classmates from school are married to either someone from hs or first years of uni. My cousin is one year older and been married for 10 years. I think they are the lucky ones....

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lana-banana

You don't deserve to feel like crap, and nobody likes to say "I told you so" when someone is feeling hurt. I'm sorry, Lorenza. Use this weekend to rest and recuperate and enjoy all the Netflix binges with your favorite food. You can get back in the saddle when you're ready, but for now, just focus on being kind to yourself. :bunny:

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amaysngrace

Maybe your grandmother led you away from him too. Can’t it also work that way?

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Nooooo, nobody could know or say anything for sure.

Yaknow, you meet someone somehow and in this day they're often somewhere else,look, all you can do is get to know them best you can and if that's good then meet. That's all you can do. lt's not that different from others going on a date, you just took a longer date,

But they meet , spend some time together, and see. That's all anyone can do.

l'm sorry he backtracked he's obviously panicked, anxiety , past, would've been better if you didn't sleep together though to have a better idea butttt, anyway, l know it's hard but you took the chance and went.

What if you didn't go, you'd never know. Hell he might even settle down again yet .

At any rate, it's def' def' not too late , not even close.

But l am sorry it didn't work out.

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Maybe your grandmother led you away from him too. Can’t it also work that way?

 

I went on the trip I met him on as a sign I'm moving on from my grief. When I met him it just felt so right.. I've been going on countless dates for 2,5 years and this guy just felt like sent from heaven, like he's made for me. I am so so disappointed

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Nooooo, nobody could know or say anything for sure.

Yaknow, you meet someone somehow and in this day they're often somewhere else,look, all you can do is get to know them best you can and if that's good then meet. That's all you can do. lt's not that different from others going on a date, you just took a longer date,

But they meet , spend some time together, and see. That's all anyone can do.

l'm sorry he backtracked he's obviously panicked, anxiety , past, would've been better if you didn't sleep together though to have a better idea butttt, anyway, l know it's hard but you took the chance and went.

What if you didn't go, you'd never know. Hell he might even settle down again yet .

At any rate, it's def' def' not too late , not even close.

But l am sorry it didn't work out.

 

We also met before, I was in his country, then he in mine. We also talked and chatted a lot in between the meets. Some things he said were red flags... But other things gave me a lot of hope. He was so confusing. I was so sure until the last minute when he broke down and said he can't do this and that I'm so right for him but he just can't

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ps, my gf was 12 hours away , we're still not sure if we can work that side of things out.

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amaysngrace

Maybe he’s just your getting-over-your-grief man.

 

I mean it helped, right?

 

Some people are just stepping stones to get to someplace better. He could be one of those too.

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You don't deserve to feel like crap, and nobody likes to say "I told you so" when someone is feeling hurt. I'm sorry, Lorenza. Use this weekend to rest and recuperate and enjoy all the Netflix binges with your favorite food. You can get back in the saddle when you're ready, but for now, just focus on being kind to yourself. :bunny:

 

Feels like I just want to be alone now for a long long time...

And now my partner count increased also, that's just awful. I should have kept sex off the table like people advised me on here...

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Maybe he’s just your getting-over-your-grief man.

 

I mean it helped, right?

 

Some people are just stepping stones to get to someplace better. He could be one of those too.

 

It definitely helped... And it was a wonderful feeling to have this hope for as long as it lasted...

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ps, my gf was 12 hours away , we're still not sure if we can work that side of things out.

 

We were just 2 h apart! 3 to count my buss ride to the airport... And he sounded like it wouldn't bother him... "I can't see how that would be a problem for us to be together if we wanted" was what he said, which later turned into "the distance is so complicated because I live in the moment"

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We also met before, I was in his country, then he in mine. We also talked and chatted a lot in between the meets. Some things he said were red flags... But other things gave me a lot of hope. He was so confusing. I was so sure until the last minute when he broke down and said he can't do this and that I'm so right for him but he just can't

 

 

Yeah think l remember. Everyone has flags though, you , me , anyone, we can only try and decipher the goods from bads.

He's panicked , at least you can know it wasn't you,

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amaysngrace

I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad. Lana is right, you should take extra good care of yourself right now. Warm baths, good movies, carbs, whatever it takes.

 

What red flags?

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I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad. Lana is right, you should take extra good care of yourself right now. Warm baths, good movies, carbs, whatever it takes.

 

What red flags?

 

That it will take him a lot longer to fall in love and that he is more sceptical about marriage, that he is cautious now... And that he had really bad previous experiences that changed the way he looks at relationships...

But at the same time he sounded really hopefull about me too...

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Happy Lemming
...that he is cautious now...

 

He is not cautious... he is distrustful & bitter. I think it happens to most guys after dating someone for a while (in their past) and getting kicked in the teeth.

 

As men get older, more and more of us guys have been put through the wringer, so of course we don't want to get married, but we still want to have sex.

 

And yes... the ones that got married 10 years ago weren't so broken from dating.

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amaysngrace

No wonder why you’re confused, he sent a lot of mixed messages.

 

Even to the point of him saying he lives in the moment while you know full well he’s still living in the past and lets his past relationships cloud his present one.

 

He sounds not too smart.

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No wonder why you’re confused, he sent a lot of mixed messages.

 

Even to the point of him saying he lives in the moment while you know full well he’s still living in the past and lets his past relationships cloud his present one.

 

He sounds not too smart.

 

He certainly wasn't stupid, intelligent and interesting, but too confused, too afraid and yes, too bitter... I would never be able to trust his words because I wouldn't know when he has a change of heart... There some things he said he wanted, then admitted he didn't, then assured me he changed his mind for good, only to go back to not wanting them

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I went out to the city and it only made me feel worse seeing all the couples. I was enjoying those short moments I got to feel like I'm someone's girlfriend again...

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You are not an idiot. You are a woman looking for love who prefers to believe in romance.

 

Perhaps next time the majority of people tell you to use caution you will trust our collective wisdom over your own judgment because we have a dispassionate perspective & more experience with people.

 

It's OK to want to be in love & have a relationship. You do yourself a disservice when you ignore red flags.

 

Try dating conventionally & locally. It takes a lot of the pressure off & gives you a more realistic impression of the other person.

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You're not an idiot! You just wanted it so badly that you analyzed and re-analyzed every detail until it fit your narrative. We've all done it.

 

And about your age - I am a 36 year old widow with a young child who's made more than my fair share of mistakes since my husband died. But my boyfriend of 2 years just moved in with my daughter and I and he recently asked my best friend what kind of engagement ring she thinks I would like.

 

Don't lose hope! People meet at any age and in any situation. And if you don't, then you enjoy your life anyway.

 

Sending hugs over your way. You're going to be just fine!

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