He's not ready for a relationship

[pc31]

I'd been dating this guy for 7.5 months when I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. In the past, I had attempted to break up with him more than once, mostly because I sensed that he wasn't serious about us. However past "breakups" never lasted for more than 10 days and somehow he always persuaded me to come back...

(Background story: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/675915-being-rejected-low-self-esteem)

 

I know we've been exclusive sexually for about 5 months now. We talked about it and I trust him. However, somehow we have always maintained the level of 1 day/week from the very beginning until now. (there's no fixed date of the week or anything like that - sometimes it's a tuesday or wednesday, sometimes it's a friday or saturday or sunday...) (I wanted to hang out more, but he skillfully managed to keep it this way, consistently)

 

2 weeks ago, on a Tuesday, during a discussion about our relationship, he told me directly (while hugging me and kissing me) that, quote: "I don't want a serious relationship right now". He repeated this like 2 times but did not give me an explanation. I told him that people don't wake up and suddenly want to be in a relationship overnight; the relationship itself has to progress naturally, and with the way our relationship has been progressing, and how unattentive he is with me, I'm not sure if I want a relationship with him either. I then also told him that I started to feel attached, and if things don't go anywhere between us, it is better that we stop early. Then he asked me what I wanted him to do. I said he was never there for me when I needed him; I needed more attention, maybe more frequent check-ins. Then he promised he would do more frequent check-ins. Then I said, OK let's see, time will tell. We continued hanging out that night as if nothing happened.

 

For the rest of the week, he did not initiate text with me at all (as usual) (he typically texts a few days before the day he wanted us to meet). That week, I attempted to ask him to hang out with me 2 times and was rejected because he was busy.

 

On Tuesday the week after, I texted him to break up. I thanked him for the 7.5 months and said that there's no resentment from me, I just needed to move on since there's not future for us; i needed to do what's best for me and I wished him best wishes. He replied asking to meet later that week to talk over dinner and he diverted from the topic by asking me something like whether or not I watched the NBA game yesterday. Knowing how good he is at persuading me to change my mind in the past, knowing how attractive he is in person and that I probably cannot resist him if we were to meet, I texted saying that there is no need to meet; i just wanted to move on.

 

24 hours (Wednesday) he texted back, saying how he'd like to keep in touch and then asked me how things are with my study and job, etc. I ignored this message.

 

On Thursday, he texted again, saying that he saw my Facebook post and that i looked cute (yes he liked my photo on FB that morning). I told him, please stop breadcrumbing me, I really need to move on. 12 hours later he replied with "Breadcrumbs LOL". I didn't reply to this.

 

On Friday, I posted something on my Facebook story, he watched it. On Monday this week, I posted something on my Facebook again; this time he watched it, and then he even liked my story. I ignored this.

 

---

 

Anyway, I don't understand why he doesn't want to have the relationship title with me when we are already exclusive sexually and he always tries to get me back when i attempted to break up multiple times. If he doesn't really like me (even though he did verbally tell me he liked me), shouldn't he just let me go?! Was I too rash when breaking up with him? Should I meet him in person to talk things through? I still think about him A LOT, and I'm so torn... Please help.

Edited June 21, 2019 by pc31
typo

[ExpatInItaly]

Being sexually exclusive is a far cry from being emotionally exclusive and relationship-oriented.He doesn't want to commit to a relationship because he doesn't want to exclude the chance to meet other girls, OP. He likes you well enough, but not enough to give up the dating game and focus on you.

 

As for you being too rash breaking up with him, well, that's rather moot. He told you he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. There is not really anything to break up from when someone drops that on you, since they are essentially the ones calling it off.

 

He's probably happy to keep having sex with you, if you let him, and this is why he keeps a tab on you. You calling it him out for "breadcrumbing" is rather silly when you could just block the guy. If you truly wanted to move on, that's what you would do. Right now, he knows you aren't ready to move on and are probably hoping he'll change his mind and commit, so him checking your social media keeps that false hope alive. He knows you well enough to know you usually cave.

 

But OP, if he is still telling you and showing you after 7.5 months that he isn't serious about you - you need to start believing him. You're wasting your time on this dude. He doesn't feel the same way you do. That was very clear in your last thread about him in February, and here we are in June and nothing has changed. You need to let go, girl.

Edited June 21, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

You are in your early thirties, not the time to be wasting with some guy who doesn't want a relationship WITH YOU and is no doubt still not over his ex.

 

He is using you as a "filler relationship", someone to pass the time with until something better comes along, or he may be a true commitmentphobe, but the why is immaterial as whatever the reason, there lies a lot of further heartache for you if you stick around. You can't "make" people want you, they either do or they don't.

The trick is the moment you suspect or they tell you they they don't, you pack up and go, not wait hoping they change their mind or wait till they have to kick you out.

 

You need a man who prioritises you, someone who loves you, not some guy who you have to beg to hang out with...

 

Google "intermittent reinforcement".

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I am amazed that you didn't end this sooner. He has been stringing you along for months.

 

Someone who sees you so infrequently (for no apparent reason), can't be that invested in you, which he has basically already admitted to by not wanting to be in a relationship with you.

 

The fact that he ignores the fact you have ended things is extremely arrogant, not to mention disrespectful. He doesn't take you seriously, which is a huge red flag! He thinks he can snap his fingers and you will put up with whatever breadcrumbs he offers. He may laugh at that, but it is exactly what he is doing.

 

Unless he is very antisocial by nature, he has way too much free time on his hands to not be seeing other women. I'm sorry, but I think the sexually exclusive thing is something that was only applicable for you. If you aren't relationship exclusive, then you are technically free to date other people, so what's the point?

 

As long as you give him access to your social media and phone, he is going to keep that door open because you have required so little from him, it is easy to get an itch scratched when he needs it. If you are seriously done, you have to close that door.

 

If what you had meant more, it would have progressed by now. The fact is, he doesn't care that much, and he has nothing to substantial to offer you. If you need more than that from a man, don't bother seeing him, and cut him out of your life.

 

Don't give him the power to make you doubt yourself. It is time to break away from the superficial thing you had and find something of substance. There are so many great guys out there with more to offer. Give them a chance.

[d0nnivain]

IAnyway, I don't understand why he doesn't want to have the relationship title with me when we are already exclusive sexually and he always tries to get me back when i attempted to break up multiple times. If he doesn't really like me (even though he did verbally tell me he liked me), shouldn't he just let me go?! Was I too rash when breaking up with him? Should I meet him in person to talk things through? I still think about him A LOT, and I'm so torn... Please help.

 

 

No you weren't rash. What good will meeting him in person do? He still won't formally be in a relationship with you. For whatever reason the label freaks him out & somehow he thinks if he doesn't call you his GF, he's still a free agent, even if he's not acting on it. This once a week thing suits him just fine. He gets regular sex with minimal effort.

 

You want more. The only way to get more is to find a new BF

[spiderowl]

I think you've done the right thing. I agree you didn't need to meet up with him to reinforce that you were breaking up.

 

He thinks he can get round you but, if you cannot ignore his attempts to 'like' you, etc., then go no contact. If you can ignore them, then just do that.

 

He was happy with the status quo; you were not. Leave him to work out what it meant to him. He has not offered you anything worth keeping.

[Beendaredonedat]

Congratulations, you've just taken back your personal power from him. Up until now, he's held all the power in this quasi-relationship...

 

Now, keep ignoring everything from him that doesn't start out with "I miss you and want to be your boyfriend." (or some such). However; don't hold your breath or wake up every morning hoping to find that missive from him.

Do your best to distance yourself from him so you can move on and find a guy that DOES want to be in a relationship and IS ready to be in one.

 

Head high, chickie. You did the right thing by ignoring him. Don't let him hoover you back in for more of the same.

[Redhead14]

7.5 months . . . I sensed that he wasn't serious about us . . .persuaded me to come back...

 

He may very well care very much for you but the fact is that he doesn't want to tell you he's going to be with you forever or promise to be tomorrow, next week or next month. He doesn't want the "responsibilities" of a relationship/girlfriend -- the commitment of time and or energy.

 

He's content with the way things are/were, why would he break up with you? Keep moving. You can't make him want what you want and it's not his fault that he doesn't. I will say that he was a bit of a d*ck for not moving on himself when he realized you wanted more than he could give you, but then again, he likely knows you're a big girl and should know the difference between being treated like a keeper or an FWB.

 

It's a good idea in the early days of a new dating scenario to find out if the other party is looking for a long-term committed relationship or not to start with. Both parties need to be looking for the same thing overall. If the aren't, it's not going to go well anyway. Even if they say they want a relationship with someone, you still need to pay attention and observe how you're being treated. Seven and a half months is a long time to be tolerating less that what you want for yourself.

 

As for persuading you . . . did he persuade you or did you persuade yourself to continue to be in denial?

[Blanco]

It's best to believe someone when they tell you what they do or don't want. At nearly a year into this thing, you two should know each other well enough to determine whether or not there's something there worth investing in. Frankly, unless it's discussed early on, there's no real reason why this sort of decision can't be made after two or three months of dating. It's not marriage, after all, just an agreement that you two are both wanting to be exclusive to one another.

 

Best to cut ties with this guy and go find someone who is looking for what you want. This guy is better suited for someone who's just looking for some companionship but with the understanding that it's not likely to be long-lasting or grow much.

[assertives]

If a committed relationship is what you want, don't settle for anything short of that. He has already told you where he stands in this, but you haven't been listening. He told you he isn't ready for a relationship twice in fact, but asked you what he needs to do, (to not stop early and cut things off now). That basically translates to anything other than a committed relationship for him to keep the fwb arrangement with you. You being his exclusive free booty call is what he's getting out of this.

 

He is just saying what he thinks/knows you want to hear to keep you hanging around. He isn't even interested in being in your life, to hang out with you, be there for you, share hopes and dreams in a way that even regular friends do. He's only interested in meeting when it's sex, and when he's put into the situation that sex is being cut off from him. Please block him of your social media and your life. Do not waste anymore time. A guy who genuinely loves you and want to be with you isn't going to leave you hanging in limbo, reject meeting you. This guy doesn't.

[TheFinalWord]

The reason is because you're a good person, and he isn't. He knows he's messing with your heart, but only cares about his wants and needs. He wants to have exclusive sex with you, but doesn't want to commit. On your end, you've given him a ton of chances and the only want this is going to end is if you finalize it and don't let him back in. If you let him play with your heart, come back for sex, he will...

[Orokotikki]

Just block him, why participate in silly head games?

[nolanola]

You did the right thing. 100%. He doesn't want a relationship and you do. You've given him a chance to step up and he won't.

 

This is classic emotionally unavailable behavior. Doesn't want a relationship but doesn't want to let you go either. Can't commit to being with you or not being with you. You've taken that choice away from him and taken your power back. Good for you!! This guy would have strung you along for years if you had let him.

 

It might be best to block him on FB (or stop posting for a while) so that he can't keep tabs on you. He's decided not to be with you and thus, has no right to know what you are or aren't doing.

 

I've been through this same cycle and it sucks. Beware what happens when he does withdraw or turn his attention to another woman - it might be hard for you. Stay firm that you deserve better.

[loversquarrel]

You are nothing more than a fan. He told you loud and clear, you just dont want to listen.

[Iris The Butterfly]

No you were not too rash, and no, you don't need to have a face to face conversation with him about it. He's a big boy and he doesn't need hand holding. I think you've been far too forgiving and time to stop. He's asking to meet with you because he wants sex with you again, and knowing your vulnerability, you will be tempted. And the cycle will continue. Trust me, this same thing happened with me before.

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Now stay confident in that you did the right thing. I know it sucks, but it might be easier if you just block him now. Eliminate the social media connections completely and delete his number. You don't have to block it but just delete it to remove the temptation. Just because he's watching your social media stories doesn't mean he wants to be with you.

 

7.5 months is way too long to have a non-committed relationship if that's what you want. I'm about the same time in with my bf and he asked me to be exclusive/official within 3 months max. He was very eager to call me his girlfriend. It was striking the way he acted compare to what I went through with the guy I dated before him. He broke my heart, but I'll tell you what... now... I could care less. He told me the same thing after months of dating and what I thought was exclusive too... "I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I'm still heartbroken over my ex, blah blah." So eventually I gathered the courage to tell him go ahead and deal with that, play the field if you want to, I'm looking for more. Let's exchange our things. I put my foot down and he knew once we exchanged the stuff I was on my way out. He wanted to meet one last time, and we had a perfect evening, didn't even talk about the relationship, me being upset, etc. Just a great date, ending in sex. We never saw each other again. He reached out after via text but the conversation just stopped forever after one or two more exchanges. It was devastating and it took me 6 months to even want to date again. Good news is... I was able to heal and be open to a guy who really wanted to be with me and wanted to commit to being my boyfriend, in all the ways that means. Had I stayed back and forth with the other guy, I wouldn't be open to a better fit.

 

I think, after my own personal experience and time passed, when someone says they're not looking for or ready for a relationship right now, making excuses, etc. it just means they're trying to soften the blow for why they don't want to commit to you. They can still LIKE you and care for you. But they don't have the guts or the awareness to communicate that they aren't feeling like taking themselves off the market for you and only you. I'm sorry, I really do know how much this hurts.

 

Stay strong and don't accept any dinner invitations. If he tries for being 'friends' do NOT agree to it. You can't just be friends.

[Whodatdog]

He has no emotional attachment to you. Its a FWB deal for him, on his terms. He told you that, you didnt want to hear it.

 

Without emotional ties, theres no relationship. If he's content to see you once a week, you can be sure he has no attachment to you.

 

You know what to do.

 

Edited to say I read your past threads. What are you thinking? Reread your own threads, and see how you are chasing him. You even have a bit of an obsession over him. As others have said, you need to cut him out, cut off from all social media, just cut all ties. You will never get from him what you want. When people tell you who they are BELIEVE THEM.

Edited June 26, 2019 by Whodatdog

[I'veseenbetterlol]

As long as you give him access to your social media and phone, he is going to keep that door open because you have required so little from him, it is easy to get an itch scratched when he needs it. If you are seriously done, you have to close that door.

 

If what you had meant more, it would have progressed by now. The fact is, he doesn't care that much, and he has nothing to substantial to offer you. If you need more than that from a man, don't bother seeing him, and cut him out of your life.

 

Don't give him the power to make you doubt yourself. It is time to break away from the superficial thing you had and find something of substance. There are so many great guys out there with more to offer. Give them a chance.

 

Agree here. Many times the person may not want, but holds on because they want something to come back to. Completely close that door because he will always flip flop back and forth about wanting/not wanting a relationship.

Edited June 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[pc31]

The week after I broke up with him (followed by his various attempts of trying to interact with me), he went on vacation for 2 weeks (he posted on his facebook). Zero contact in these 2 weeks; I slowly recovered my balance and started to feel good about myself.

 

Fast forward to this week, 2 days ago, he sent me a message on facebook (I'm surprised that he contacted me here because usually, he would talk to me on Whatsapp. I didn't block him, but I did delete his number, but he's not supposed to know, right?). Anyway, he said: "I just arrived from vacation. Just wanted to say hi, and check if everything is going well with you. Can I ask once in a while?" I didn't reply to this.

 

Yesterday I posted something on a Facebook group that both he and I are in. The group is about learning new languages and has thousands of members. I asked people where I can take affordable French lessons, and received an overwhelming amount of replies, mostly from men. Some replies were helpful, others were pretty inappropriate.

 

A few hours after my post (maybe he received a notification from FB? FB sometimes does this!), he messaged me again, saying "I saw the responses. This XXX group has good people that help, but also people who use it for pick up. Just care" (Not sure what "just care" means? Just that he cares for me? I should just take care of myself? Typo/Bad English)

 

Then 2 hours later, he sent another message, "Follow the recommendation of [name] from the replies. She was my French teacher."

 

So far I have not replied to any of his messages.

 

Why does he keep texting me and even gave unsolicited advice?! I mean, it is sweet of him, but he should remember that he was the one who rejected me!

 

I'm not angry with him for not liking me... I understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and not wanting to commit is a choice, not a sin. Hence, I don't see the need to take drastic actions such as blocking. He's a decent human being.

 

Deep down I still like him. But I don't want to settle for a low-quality friendship. I just need time and space to move on.

 

Any advice? :/

[elaine567]

Regular casual or FWB can be hard to find.

He came back from holiday to find you were not there for him to use.

My guess he is horny and is trying to reel you in again.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not angry with him for not liking me... I understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and not wanting to commit is a choice, not a sin. Hence, I don't see the need to take drastic actions such as blocking. He's a decent human being.

 

A lot of dumpees tell themselves the same thing.

 

The truth is that blocking him would have little to do with him. It would be for you, so you could properly detach and let go. You see where keeping him in your contacts is only confusing you and keeping you stuck.

 

He's probably looking for a little action from you. Not to start a relationship. He's just casting out a line and seeing if you'll bite, but it's not the reasons you hope.

[Whodatdog]

It costs him nothing to keep in casual contact with you. I think all of us here know what he's looking for. Why cant you see it?

[Redhead14]

As long as you keep responding and entertaining his BS, he knows you're still hooked on him and likely pliable enough to get back into your pants when he's out of other options or bored or whatever. You're allowing yourself to be strung along. Cut the string once and for all, block and delete, and get over it. You are complicit in your own misery as I've said many times in other threads to other OP's over the years.

 

Get real with yourself and get a backbone and be a strong, mature, secure, independent woman who doesn't need to eat the breadcrumbs from some guy you know and isn't interested in being serious with you but you insist on buying your own fairytale that he keeps coming back because he can't live without you.

[fly_again]

Others already said everything but maybe it helps if you hear it from one more person. By responding anything to his messages, you're giving away your power and he knows he still controls you. Yes, even if you write him that leave me alone. Even if you just read his texts and that's all. You give him your energy and time (=attention) to respond somehow to these meaningless texts.

 

Right now, he perfectly knows how to play with you, so he sees the current situation as temporary - he'll text you until you answer and the cycle repeats. He has probably other options so there's no reason to rush. He doesn't respect your wishes and needs (obviously you'd like to forget him and move on) and keeps you hooked, so your thoughts are vibrating and you think about him a lot.

 

My ex did the same, texted me almost every day, most of the time when she felt bored and needed attention. She even said things like 'You're the most important person in my life' and other beautiful sentences weeks after the BU, when she was already dating with someone else days later. Whenever someone else was available, she immediately threw me away like a useless toy.

 

The trick here is that he wants more than emotional support and ego boost, he plays for the sex. I know what you mean by he's a decent a human, but you're projecting - it's not the reality. He's using you for his own selfish reasons and doesn't want to stop, so you have to cut him off from your life. It's hard to delete him, because you still have hope but it's over. It was over for a long time and nothing will change. Don't waste your time with a guy who doesn't respect and value you.

[Blanco]

You're going to look back some day and be so upset with yourself that you lost years of your life to a man who has never committed to you.

 

It's tough to detach, but for your own quality of life, you have to stop chasing the short-term pleasures.

[Inspire]

Just like you know what to expect of him, he too also knows what to expect of you.

 

Then 2 hours later, he sent another message, "Follow the recommendation of [name] from the replies. She was my French teacher."

 

So far I have not replied to any of his messages.

 

Why does he keep texting me and even gave unsolicited advice?! I mean, it is sweet of him, but he should remember that he was the one who rejected me!

 

 

You called him out for breadcrumming and now you're wondering "why" ...? That is so sweet of him? Do you even hear yourself? This guy is playing you like a fiddle.