Jump to content

Trying to push myself into NC


Recommended Posts

I've been seeing someone for the best part of 2 years. Our circumstances made it difficult to be together so I would hesitate often when he would ask us to be exclusive.

 

Now he's finally pulled away and told me that he can't do this anymore. He is starting to date someone new (I had to pull it out of him) and it completely tore me apart. I honestly didn't realise how much I had fallen for him. I always told myself we were just FWB.

Just the thought of never seeing him again or ever being close to him has ruined me.

 

I expressed all of this to him. Told him how I felt, and that I wanted us to do this properly. I was ready.

He has told me several times that it's 'too late'. He loves me, but he has to move on now and continue with his life.

 

I really am taking this harder than I thought I would. I haven't slept, eaten and i'm just in self destruct mode. I recognise it as I felt like this once before after a 6 year relationship ended.

 

I really want to respect his wishes, and I want to keep my dignity, but i'm such a mess, and every cell in my being is screaming at me to go find him, to tell him to his face how I feel, to just see him one last time... just cling on.

 

I know that's the worse thing I can do. He probably wouldn't appreciate it, but I a fighting with myself and I know I have to push myself into no contact.

 

Should I inform him that's what i'm doing?

Should I ask him to please delete my number and never contact me again?

I'm just concerned that he will one of these days just text me out of the blue asking how I am (that's the type of guy he is).

 

This is all so unexpected for me.

Thanks for your help

Limiya

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you're hurt. I guess you know by now that a FWB relationship really only works well for men. They get the sex with no commitment until they decide to find a girl they want for a relationship. This happens all the time and the FWB woman is left hurt. No, there is no need to contact him to tell him you're going NC. Just go NC and block him from contacting you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@stillafool...

 

Thank you for your feedback. I wish it was that simple.

He was the one mainly wanting to be in a relationship with me, but I kept knocking him back because of certain reasons. I just wasn't ready at the time. Now I am and he's moved on. He won't even hear me out. It's my own fault really.

 

I'll just remove everything relating to him from my life and do my best to go NC.

I am worried I will wobble and fail.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you think he will contact you? If he does, you can let him know if you're uncomfortable just ignoring him. Otherwise, I don't think you need to reach out spontaneously to just say "I'm going NC". It comes across as kind of petty and trying to get a reaction from him. However, if he does contact you (perhaps to try to either restart things or just to see if you're still "there"), you can tell him that you need some space.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@nolanola....

 

Yeah I wouldn't be able to just ignore him.

I will try your 2nd option of just only informing him if he tries to contact me again.

 

 

It's so hard to not just drive to his house and confront him in person. That's why I feel NC is best. To stop me doing stupid things like that.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I expressed all of this to him. Told him how I felt, and that I wanted us to do this properly. I was ready. He has told me several times that it's 'too late'. He loves me, but he has to move on now and continue with his life.

 

It's so hard to not just drive to his house and confront him in person. That's why I feel NC is best. To stop me doing stupid things like that.

 

If you have already told him how you felt as indicated above anything else at this point seems like begging. Is that what you plan to do?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If you have already told him how you felt as indicated above anything else at this point seems like begging. Is that what you plan to do?

 

I don't plan on doing it. But that's what is urging me to.

I know it seems like begging, because well... it is. I just wish we could have discussed this face to face instead of letting me know on the phone.

But I guess what good will that do?

 

Limiya

Link to post
Share on other sites

Discussing his feelings face to face would have made no difference. The outcomes would have been the same. Definitely go NC. There's no middle ground with NC. It's black and white. You either do it, or you don't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't plan on doing it. But that's what is urging me to.

I know it seems like begging, because well... it is. I just wish we could have discussed this face to face instead of letting me know on the phone.

But I guess what good will that do?

 

Limiya

 

But he has told you NO several times. Why would you want to hear it again?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

No, just go forward with NC. If you tell him anything, that will only make the situation much worse for you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You guys are so right. Luckily i didnt go to his place.

I got close. I lovingly cooked him a meal and even sat in the car ready to go.

I hesitated, and just cried.

I just miss him so much and im reacting on emotional impulses because im not eating or sleeping so i know my brain isn't funcioning properly.

 

I haven't managed to delete his number yet. But that and social media is next.

I keep looking at his WhatsApp to see when he was last online. It's crazy.

 

Im trying to take a deep breath and step back.

Thanks all of you for your advice. You're invaluable in my moments of weakness.

(Hugs)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It takes time, try to keep yourself busy. Do not call/text him or go to his house...

 

You got any friends you can see/talk to?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It takes time, try to keep yourself busy. Do not call/text him or go to his house...

 

You got any friends you can see/talk to?

 

Yeah but i can't bring myself to speak to them without crying my eyes out and it's embarrassing.

I'm trying to get through the worst of it.

 

I just removed him from Facebook and instagram.

Now im trying to pluck up the courage to block and delete his number.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oh god... I totally caved.

I sent him a spew of messages late last night, telling him I loved him and I just want him to be happy and if that he will have a wonderful life etc even if it's not with me... blah blah bull****.

Just emotions built up and spewing everywhere.

I instantly regretted it.

 

 

I must have finally fallen asleep and this morning I woke up to a message saying 'Thanks for the honest and kind words.' Or something to that effect.

Nothing else. Just that.

 

 

I instantly took this as the opportunity to block his number, delete it and any trace of him completely.

 

 

I just arrived into work and had to go straight to the toilet to cry my eyes out. I'm trying to pull myself together but i'm really struggling.

 

 

Limiya

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah but i can't bring myself to speak to them without crying my eyes out and it's embarrassing.

I'm trying to get through the worst of it.

 

Don't be embarrassed. That is what your friends are there for to give you support in your times of trouble. You would be there for them if they were going through a break up, right? So don't be afraid to open up and lean on them until you feel more stable. It's best not to be alone at this stage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hang in there. Do your level best not to let this affect your work.

 

As soon as you are able you have to delete his # because right now you don't have the strength to ignore. That's OK You don't have to be strong.

 

It sounds like he's a polite guy & a nice person so he reacted graciously to your embarrassing display but you can't count on that largess. As he progresses with his new GF, she will demand that you, the EX, be removed because she won't want you around. It's better if you do it yourself to maintain some dignity.

 

Don't be embarrassed to cry on your friends' shoulders. Good friends are there to wipe the tears.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you all so much for being understanding.

He really is a lovely person, and very gracious. This is why it's so difficult for me to accept it's over.

 

I have finally contacted 2 of my friends. 1 of them I just basically spilled everything out and she's going to call me later.

The other one I will call on my way home.

 

The breakup is harder knowing he has someone else, so I am sure he isn't feeling any hurt and is happy moving on.

I want him to be happy though, so it's a double edged sword, cause I want him to be happy with me not without me. LOL

 

I've managed to distract myself for a little while but i'm still not eating.

I cooked lots of food last night, because I know I had to eat, and i had to pretend i was making it for him.

I didn't eat it, so i brought it to work with me and i still can't face it.

 

I have completely blocked and deleted his number now.

No contact for him at all. No social media. It's going to be hard, cause all i want to do is message him and call him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

At least you have deleted him from social media. A lot of people don't even do that, so you are ahead of the game there. You seem to understand what it is going to take to get over him, and that is half the battle. You aren't trying to keep him as a friend or rationalize keeping him on social media.

 

His response to those text messages reminded me of sending a letter to an ex once. Of course, you're never supposed to send a letter, but I wrote one anyway. It makes me laugh now, but I was so serious at the time. I really thought it would help. His comment on the letter was something like "thank you for the thoughts." That made me feel so foolish at the time, but it helped me move on.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@BC1980...

 

Yes that's exactly how I felt when I read his message. It's hard because up to last week he has always been extremely affectionate and adorable in his messages. So to see his short curt message was just lacking any emotion at all and I felt crushed.

That's when I removed everything.

 

Even all my photo's have been deleted off my my phone. I had a separate album of our photos together and I deleted it.

I do have them backed up, but they are out of sight and hopefully I won't be pouring over them going forward.

 

Problem is I know i'm going to have extremely weak moments and it's difficult to stop myself once they kick in.

I don't want to humiliate myself, but at the same time there's a voice in my head telling me to fight for him and let him see how serious I am.

 

It's conflicting.

Limiya

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He already knows you are serious about him but the fact is he has moved on with someone else. You have to accept it and move on. There is nothing left to fight for. Acceptance is your next step and the first step to moving on.

 

I realize how hard it is to eat when you're going through a heartbreak and that too is why you need the support of your friends. It is easier to have a meal with one of them than to try to eat when you're alone. You need your friends right now to help take care of you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@stillafool....

 

Ugh that was hard to read but absolutely true.

I told him i'm serious, he knows it. If he wanted to change his mind he could have. But he's with someone else, so that's not gonna happen.

I really am having the hardest time with acceptance. How long will it take?

 

I just don't feel hunger when i'm upset or anxious. I am aware of it, but I can't force myself to eat. I'll do my best though.

I am appreciating the tough love approach from you all.

Please call me out on my bull**** when necessary.

 

My mind just keeps going to images of him with his new woman (whoever she is) and being happy and hitting all those milestones together. I feel sick.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

As heart broken as you are, you still have to take care of yourself. You don't have to eat a full meal but put something in your stomach . . . a little chicken soup, some ice cream, chips, cookies, mac & Cheese. In the immediate aftermath health / calories etc. is not the primary concern. Just consume anything for energy. In a week you can go back to eating sensibly rather then eating your feelings.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Even all my photo's have been deleted off my my phone. I had a separate album of our photos together and I deleted it.

I do have them backed up, but they are out of sight and hopefully I won't be pouring over them going forward.

 

I'm the same way. I will delete all traces of the person. I very much take a scorched earth, grounds salted approach to breakups. I just like to keep things moving forward, and I can't do that by looking backwards. It's really painful in the short term, but that approach pays dividends in the long term. It will eventually kill any feelings you ever had for the person.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
As heart broken as you are, you still have to take care of yourself.

 

Thank you. I haven't eaten anything at all today and only had a cup of tea.

I will try n eat something later. Possibly high calorie.

It's just so difficult when i can't stomach anything.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm the same way. I will delete all traces of the person. I very much take a scorched earth, grounds salted approach to breakups. .

 

That's helpful to know.

The sooner i can kill my feelings for him the better.

At the moment every waking second is a lifetime of agony.

 

The last time we spoke, he told me that i need to concentrate on myself and doing things to grow myself.

He was really good on the phone and would let me cry. But he was adamant it was over.

I still cant get my head around it though.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...