Can we be together? No chance? When do I give up?

[uzbyz9]

Sorry it's going to be a long post

 

Hi all,

 

Have read this forum a few times but first post, please go easy on me as I'm not doing great right now. I did try and post an advice request on reddit, but it wasn't helpful and was downright mean tbh.

 

So, background:

 

Met my now ex around a year ago through work. She had a boyfriend at the time but that was nearly over and it ended around a week after we met. Me and her hit it off straight away. We worked very closely in a job where we'd spend 65+ hours per week together for around 2 months and fell in love. We were both located in different parts of the country in school time due to being at different universities. Originally neither of us wanted long distance but we decided it was worth it to try. Things were great for a while, we'd see each other every weekend, and I fell in love with her hard. I told her I loved her before we were officially together, it hit me like a bus. I knew she was special, and we connected like we'd known each other a life time, it was that kind of situation. Fast forward a couple of months and I unfortunately get hit by a severe bout of depression. It changed who I was. My motivation lacked, I was irritable, and not that great to be around sometimes. I still made effort for her because she was just about the one thing I still felt love for going through that, but it took its toll on our relationship. We ended up having a nasty argument where I said some very regrettable things. It was totally out of character and I regret it and feel guilty about that argument to this day. I was blackout drunk, which I know is no excuse, and still not mentally healthy. That was a real wake up call for me. We ended up breaking up and it slumped me further into depression for a while, but then I really woke up and realised this was not okay. Now, I've had a tough time in the past too, and have always been very closed off, even with those closest to me, as a kind of defence mechanism I guess. I hated talking to anyone about my feelings or what I had going on, and had become so accustomed to putting on a strong face, it was second nature. That habit took a lot to break.

 

I ended up going to see a doctor a number of times and wasn't too helpful, and so decided to arrange some counselling for myself through a charity. That really helped, and alongside that I did a LOT of research into getting out of depression and what I could do to help myself: mindfulness, apps, read books etc. I really took a step back and looked at what it had done to me, and decided enough was enough. I did get to a point where I felt a lot better, and was doing a lot better. All throughout this time, although broken up, I was in frequent contact with my ex. She had seen the change I made from a closed off to an open person, able to discuss things with her that were very private and that for years I would have kept wrapped up, and she saw me coming out of the depression. Around that time she had her own issues. She fell out with her group of friends and was subsequently shunned, bullied, and intimidated by some of the more horrible ones who started to show their true colours. I hated the effect it was having on her, and I love her, so naturally, I was there for her, even when broken up I would drop everything to go and see her to be there for her. She has struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, and the situation made it worse. All the time I would apologise profusely for my previous actions, and took full responsibility for hurting her and not being the boyfriend she deserved.

 

Eventually, we started spending more and more time together, and we were as happy as we were in the early days, before my poor mental health took over and before I behaved like a less than best version of myself. She thanked me for fighting for our relationship and not giving up, and the way she looked at me was just like how it was before. It felt incredible. We were together, and happily. I swear seeing her look at me that way makes my heart grow 10 fold. Everything was going great. We did a trip abroad together, we started talking about the future again, we'd lie in bed and tell each other how much we loved each other for hours (sorry for soppy factor, just trying to paint the picture that this wasn't an all bad relationship), and it was amazing. Our love was growing each day.

 

Since I came out of depression, I have what I call "residual anxiety". It kind of lingers on, keeps me up at night etc. Anyway, I had exams coming up which is a stressful time, and this residual anxiety got worse. It started playing tricks on me, and I would need reassurance from my girlfriend. We weren't able to see each other over this time and I really felt I needed her - I still maintain that she could have found a way to be there for me, but it seems less important now I've potentially lost her for good. The final cherry was me noticing she'd been interacting with her ex on social media (stupid, I know), but as they were together when we met it's always been an insecurity of mine, my anxiety hit the roof, and I didn't handle it well. I wasn't abusive, nor did I accuse her of anything, I just overreacted when I should have let go; how I wish I did. The anxiety over losing her, is what led to my behaviour that caused me to lose her, and it's a horrible self fulfilling prophecy.

 

A few days later, after I sat my exams (one of which I failed because I couldn't concentrate on anything but the breakup), I arranged to go and see her to swap stuff and all of that. She asked me to come a day early as she was on her period and needed a "cuddle" - she's very tactile, loves to be close to me etc, and so I thought, good sign? Of course, I dropped everything, packed a bag of pain relief, heat pads, pamper stuff and chocolate and off I went to see her. I ended up staying a WEEK. The whole time we acted like we were a couple. Anyone seeing how we were would assume we were together. I cooked for her, cleaned, made her drinks, got her food etc because she was ill. In return, I got to be close to her, and she would act like she was my girlfriend still. I thought things were going great, and I asked her at the end of the week what this means for us, she said it's still over. I broke down, there and then, in front of her. It was uncontrollable, I wish I didn't, but tears, the lot. She comforted me and cuddled me through it. She said she'd think about it over the weekend and let me know, she didn't let me know. We stayed in contact but no mention of our relationship. On Friday, she got her dream job. A job that over the week I spent with her (whilst broken up), I greatly helped her prepare for etc. I was happy for her and asked if she wanted to do something to celebrate, and she said she'll let me know if she was free. It was Father's Day and her friend's birthday so that didn't happen, which is a shame.

 

I messaged her and said I assume because she said nothing she wanted it to be over still. We had somewhat of an argument over it but nothing heated or nasty. She then said she's too scared to try again, she doesn't want to be in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, doesn't think it will work, and doesn't want to try anymore. She also said she doesn't love me as much now, because she would have been willing to try before, but now she's not. My heart is absolutely broken. She was my girlfriend and my BEST friend. I've never been able to be so open and honest with someone, and the connection we share feels so special. It kills me getting the flashback memories of the way she looked at me, and how much she'd say she loved me, I feel like I've messed it up and lost the best thing that's ever happened to me. I really did see myself spending the rest of my days with her, marriage, a family etc. I feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I know we're both still young, but this doesn't feel right, it feels horrible. I've only felt pain like this before with a bereavement, and I'd do absolutely anything to have another chance.

 

I really feel in my heart that I've got more to give, and I don't want to stop fighting for our relationship yet, our love is true. Please don't tell me to just move on - I can't see myself doing that now or anytime soon. If you are going to suggest moving on, please tell me how I can try. I want to know if anyone thinks there's anything I can do to salvage this relationship whilst she still loves me and have the love of my life and the most important girl back in my arms? I know it might be a tricky road, but I'm willing to try. It's worth mentioning no contact is not really an option. Next week we start the very same job where we fell in love again, for 2 months, together. We'll be back at the same places where we got to know each other and fell for each other, and I fear about how it will affect me having now lost that special love.

 

What can I do to get my love back? And how long can I try before I know I have to give up?

 

I'm really thankful for any responses, but again, please do be kind - I'm hurting enough as it is right now. Thank you

 

TLDR: broken up with by my girlfriend/bestfriend, what can I do to get another chance, and how long do I keep on trying?

[Hooked]

Are you getting treated for the mental health issues with meds?

 

Asking out of concern for you and the outside chance that it would show her you're making a verifiable effort to change the things that led to your downfall.

 

I say outside chance because, reading between the lines a bit, I'd speculate that she's just lost attraction. Sorry bro, these things suck and I'm going through it with you. Not going to tell you to move on, because you will anyway. We have no choice.

Edited June 17, 2019 by Detoxer

[uzbyz9]

Thanks for the reply mate, I appreciate it. Not on meds no as have been doing a lot better recently, and after seeing a Doctor multiple times it was never discussed as an option. She does know about counselling and other work/help that I've accessed though.

 

I think it's an attraction thing to be honest. It does suck, with her its come and gone. Periods of time where she'll love me and give me her all as I do her, times like these where it's gone, and everything in between. Hope things start looking up for you too brother. It's a rough place to be.

[Grisha]

I’ve taken the time to help people like you because I was in your situation once and learned very important lessons when in relationships. I ended up getting my ex back.

I wouldn’t have got her back if I didn’t follow these rules.

I don’t want to explain my entire story but if you’re interested you can look at my threads.

 

The huge mistake you are making is that you are “fighting” for the relationship.

This is actually very unattractive.

Your ex gf will never come back if you keep pursuing her.

Love is free.

You have to walk away COMPLETELY for her to finally feel free to be able to choose to come back to you.

This is why people always say ex’s come back after you move on.

Do not text or call her. Don’t ask to hangout.

Go on with your life and look at yourself as a valuable man.

Girls want to date a highly valuable man.

You’re not acting valuable. Stop doing things for her. I know it doesn’t make sense but high caliber guys don’t go around kissing feet.

Let her come to you 100%

Tell her that you have feelings for her therefore out of respect to yourself you don’t want to remain in contact unless there’s something more than a friendship.

Basically state that you’re not going to sit around a be her friend while she tests things out with her ex.

You can easily get her back you just have to man up and increase your attraction meter.

Don’t be emotionally ever, don’t argue. Just listen to her.

Man there’s so much I can help you with but YouTube “Corey Wayne”

If you watch 20-30 of his videos on relationships you’ll get her back.

I got my ex back once I did everything I told you.