I was dumped. I was assisted in dodging her bullets, right?

[twatwa123]

So I'm sure that most will think its a bad idea but please hear me out.

 

She was my first love. She ended up dumping me, it wasn't totally unexpected, and the breakup wasn't totally my fault.

I ended up saying some horrible things to her in the immediate aftermath of the breakup which I regret. She didn't do the breaking up in the best way. We've both deleted/blocked each other on Whatsapp. There has been no contact for 10 days.

 

Yes, we've both done wrong. But I feel like apologizing for me and my actions.

 

To help in my recovery I want to send her a letter, to apologize for what I said, and to thank her for the positives she has brought into my life, and to wish her the best of luck in the future.

 

And I also hope that it will help bring her some closure too.

 

I do not:

 

.. Want her back

.. Want or expect a reply

 

 

 

This is what I have drafted so far:

 

 

______,

This note will come as a surprise to you. I wasn't sure if it should be sent. But having had a week to reflect on what has happened I thought it should be sent and not just written and left.

Despite us not working out you have brought many positives to my life so you deserve a nice goodbye. So I feel something handwritten is the best way to go.

If you don't want to read on, I understand.

 

 

Firstly, I am not after forgiveness or anything, but just want to say that I am sorry for the way things ended between us. I am sorry for the horrible things I said to you and sorry for hurting you. All I can do is apologize. So I am sorry. It's a shame I couldn't have apologized to you in person so you could see I meant it.

You should know that my family and I do not hate or even dislike you. There are no hard feelings.

 

Thank you for the best 6 months of my life. Thank you for all the good times we shared together. These will not be forgotten. Thank you for helping me to grow as a person, and thank you for bringing out some confidence in me that I didn't think were possible.

 

Lastly, I just want to say that I hope someday you do find someone and settle down with them.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do with your life in the future.

 

 

Best Wishes,

 

_____

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going to send it. It'll help me a lot.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think it's a good letter!

[Happy Lemming]

No I would not have sent this letter, it makes you sound weak and pathetic. All it is doing is boosting her ego and prolonging the healing process. Staying "no contact" would have been a better idea. Or write the letter then burn it.

 

If you feel you did something wrong in this relationship, learn from it and don't repeat that mistake.

 

If a woman sent me a letter like that, it would go in trash, immediately.

[twatwa123]

I can't see any wrong in apologizing for mistakes and ending things on good terms.

If it goes in the trash that is fine. If she opens it and doesn't read it, that is fine. But it's the fact that I have sent it, I will think she has read it, and it would make her as well as me happier.

Of course, I will learn from my mistakes.

Is it an ego boost? No. Just a simple apology, thank you, and good luck.

[twatwa123]

Even though she was the one who dumped me, having had 10 days to think about things, I can see we were never going to work out.

And I feel like I need to thank her because she really has changed my life for the better.

[Highndry]

Bad idea. You never send a letter to a dumper, apologizing. It looks extremely weak and obsequious. Just move on.

[Marc878]

Letters aren't worth anything. Write it for yourself but don't send it.

 

Everyone that comes here wants to write a letter and they accomplish nothing.

 

NC is much more important

[preraph]

Not that it's a bad letter, but here's a lesson I learned. How you feel right now may change when you gain some distance from the relationship.

 

I dumped someone I was friends with after we tried being romantic. He insisted on being together before his divorce was final or even close to it, but yet I wasn't the reason for the divorce. He just couldn't stand to be alone for 24 hours at a stretch.

 

I dumped him and felt a little bad about it, but was also mad at him. Honestly, I was so relieved to get out of it that I didn't even pick it all apart at the time. I was sorry we had an unsuccessful attempt at being friends and just became acquaintances.

 

Some years later, I felt some guilt over it. At the time I was still emotionally entangled with a guy I had a traumatic breakup with and was now working with. I started thinking, How much of it not working was his fault and how much was mine. I let him know when I ran into him that I was just not emotionally available at that time.

 

Then just a few more months and I started thinking about it all again and decided it WAS mostly his fault. He was still hanging with his wife, and he and I were friends, and he SHOULD have known I was still struggling emotionally from the ex and seeing him at work, but see, he never wanted to talk about any of that. He didn't want to hear it (before we got together when we were friends, and he should have been there for it.)

 

So I changed my mind and decided I was indeed justified in calling it off. He didn't take my situation into consideration even though I begged him to just go date other women, and he insisted I be with him. He had another woman after him that whole time who I now believe he was probably also sleeping with even though I assumed he and I were exclusive since he pressed so hard to be together. We lived next to each other (he followed me there when I told him no to living together). Talking to a guy in one of his old bands years later made me pretty sure he had been also seeing her, even after he told her on the phone in front of me he was going to be with me.

 

So just saying give yourself time to digest everything and be less emotional. Funny how things come out over time. You might issue this apology and then find out God knows what and be really mad at her again.

 

I agree it mostly makes you look pathetic. And the likely unsaid response in her head will be, "Too bad you couldn't change when I was with you."

[emeraldgreen]

Yes, bad idea. She doesn't need your apology. Forgive yourself and let that be the end of it. Accept that you did the best you could with the knowledge that you had at the time, and do better next time.

[amaysngrace]

It’s a nice letter.

 

If it’s in your heart to send it then you should send it to her.

[theguy123]

the way I look at letters is write one out.. then give it a day. Open it back up and read through it.. make adjustments.. and give it another day. Keep doing this.. Everytime you make an adjustment give it another day. I am currently on 3 weeks NC and I have written pages upon pages.. and more and more the narrative changes. If there comes a point in time where you think its perfect.. and you can't stop yourself.. then send it. But my advice.. keep it for yourself. Learn from it. Engrave it in your heart.. and let yourself heal. You don't want to be wondering how they reacted to it, if they read it, what they think, etc etc. It just causes more heartache.

[Blanco]

Everyone makes mistakes during a relationship. It's good that you are feeling accountable, but I agree it's best to let the situation rest a bit before sending it. When you've been dumped, you tend to idealize the other person, minimize their faults, and take on more blame for the relationship demise than you probably should.

 

I had a breakup where I kind of did what you are planning to do, and I wish I hadn't, because once I stopped talking to her for a few months, I was able to reset and see more clearly that I was being too hard on myself and that she directly or indirectly contributed more to the relationship ending even though I was the one to call it off.

[twatwa123]

This might turn into a rant so please bear with me...

 

 

So, my now ex girlfriend dumped me just over a month ago. It wasn't exactly out of the blue, i knew there were problems in the relationship, but she didn't talk to me at all ever about any issues she had with me.

 

We went out for the day. We went for dinner in a pub. Just as we were finishing eating she said to me that she was going to do something today. Which was obiosuly end the relationship, she asked me "you don't hate me do you" which I thought was an odd question.

I was obviously shocked by this, not least because of where she blurted it out.

So she drove me home, said goodbye.

I then delete our Convos from WhatsApp and break the news to my parents who I live with that we've split.

 

Hours later, she messages me saying that she is sorry. She was very upset apparently, and she said to me she wishes we could start again.

 

The next day she messages me again asking if I wanted to go round to hers at the weekend to talk and that she'd make an effort. She would even cook dinner.

 

So I take a couple of days out, and eventually decide to go round to see what she has to say.

 

I go round there and she has cooked me my favourite dinner, she puts a lot of effort into things and comes across as very apologetic. We, in the end, do not have the talk and we both have the best time.

 

This would be the last time I see her. The very last thing we do is share a passionate kiss.

 

I get the train home, and she tells me she really wants things to work this time. And I agreed.

 

Over the course of the next five or so days I begin to ask her if I can call her my girlfriend again, after all, she wanted things to work, so when I ask her it shouldn't be a difficult decision. She said she needed a few days to think, odd, considering she asked to start again.

 

A week later she backtracks completely and the relationship is over forever. She ends via Whatsapp instead of in person.

 

I said to her I was angry at her because she has messed me around and led me on. This upset her but I don't care.

 

 

 

Right now my head is a mess. Part of me is glad to be rid of her, part of me isn't as she is my first girlfriend. I'm 25 and she is 31, and I'm her 2nd. Her first was a long term, but I think she led him on too. Were together 8 years, she wanted to dump him after a couple of years but couldn't because his mother died. They stayed together and moved in. The reason they split, (she dumped him) is because they never had sex, she said on the few occasions they did do it, it didn't feel right, but stayed with him because she apparently loved him. Make sense? Didn't think so.

 

 

 

Edit: I don't know why she broke up with me. She never told me. She is talking to another guy already. This has (honestly) made me feel better knowing she's going to rebound.

Edited June 10, 2019 by twatwa123

[Normm]

People don't lead people on for years. It doesn't work that way.

[d0nnivain]

The end of any relationship is always painful. However, even though she was your 1st GF she was not a good candidate for a long term partner. She had poor communication skills:

 

* she never told you what the issues were so you could work on them

 

* she dumped you, changed her mind, offered to talk, didn't talk then dumped you again. That is somebody who doesn't know her own mind

 

* she stayed with somebody for 8 years who she now claims she didn't care about but "couldn't" get out of the relationship. BS. She chose to stay. Her telling you anything else is a bold-faced lie.

 

* she finally broke up with you electronically rather than face to face with maturity

 

Put her in your rear view mirror. Lick your wounds then get back out there. She may have been your 1st GF but she is not your last.

[twatwa123]

The end of any relationship is always painful. However, even though she was your 1st GF she was not a good candidate for a long term partner. She had poor communication skills:

 

* she never told you what the issues were so you could work on them

 

* she dumped you, changed her mind, offered to talk, didn't talk then dumped you again. That is somebody who doesn't know her own mind

 

* she stayed with somebody for 8 years who she now claims she didn't care about but "couldn't" get out of the relationship. BS. She chose to stay. Her telling you anything else is a bold-faced lie.

 

* she finally broke up with you electronically rather than face to face with maturity

 

Put her in your rear view mirror. Lick your wounds then get back out there. She may have been your 1st GF but she is not your last.

 

 

hmmmm....

 

* she never told you what the issues were so you could work on them

 

I know. I told her about my issues with her. They were fixable. She told me "some things are not meant to be" and "if you work too hard on things it's not right" and "I don't want to change you" ... though I can guess what one of her issues were. She thought I wasn't spontaneous enough, whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. Like, she told me she doesn't like surprises, and she said I didn't show her enough affection in public, but she told me she doesn't like kissing in public, and when I try to hold her hand she always has them in her pockets. When I went to compliment her (I gave her massive compliments on her body after 5 months, I never told her this before because I didn't have the confidence) she cried (sad tears) and asked why I didn't tell her this sooner. Like, whatever I did I couldn't win, and I am better off without her, but at the moment my the brain isn't telling me this, but this will pass.

 

 

 

*she dumped you, changed her mind, offered to talk, didn't talk then dumped you again. That is somebody who doesn't know her own mind

 

I absolutely agree.

 

 

*she stayed with somebody for 8 years who she now claims she didn't care about but "couldn't" get out of the relationship. BS. She chose to stay. Her telling you anything else is a bold-faced lie.

 

Well, she claims to have loved him. They never used to have sex. And this is the main reason according to her she broke up with him.

I don't understand the reasons why. She just said "it didn't feel right" and no sex didn't bother the guy. I don't really understand it, it only makes sense to her. I'd love to know what his side of the story is.

EDIT: We never had sex that much. She made it difficult for me. She knew I had no experience. But she literally just expects it to happen and for me to do everything. She didn't like talking about sex. She said she wanted the sex to just happen spontaneously, and I wanted this too but explained to her for the first few times it might not be. Unfortunately, we never got to the spontaneously happening stage.

I have no problem with discussions about sex. Again, it's her poor communication skills.

 

 

* she finally broke up with you electronically rather than face to face with maturity

 

Indeed.

 

 

I will indeed go back out there with time. Need to heal from this crap first!

Edited June 10, 2019 by twatwa123

[elaine567]

This has (honestly) made me feel better knowing she's going to rebound.

 

Dumpers rarely rebound as they did the dumping ad they are usually well over it before they announce the split so are ready to move on...

 

It is the heartbroken dumpees that tend to rebound.

[twatwa123]

Dumpers rarely rebound as they did the dumping ad they are usually well over it before they announce the split so are ready to move on...

 

It is the heartbroken dumpees that tend to rebound.

 

I spoke to her for the final time at the weekend and she said she is not over me. She said she is "just talking" because she gets lonely because she lives on her own.

The dumping was an impulse from her, the way she did it, it was like it wasn't thought through.

[d0nnivain]

Don't go back. She reaches out when she's bored & lonely, when there is nobody else to distract her. She doesn't want you. She just can't handle being alone.

[The Outlaw]

It really doesn't matter at this point why she broke up with you. What's done is done. She took the low road and broke up with you via WhatsApp, instead of face to face. Actions speak louder than words, and this is a clear cut picture of who she really is. She either feels she doesn't owe you an explanation, or she may feel she's too good to give you one. Brush her off the best you can, and move on. She did you a favor. Nobody that does that is worth any heartbreak.

[twatwa123]

Don't go back. She reaches out when she's bored & lonely, when there is nobody else to distract her. She doesn't want you. She just can't handle being alone.

 

I am absolutely not going back. She's blocked.

 

It really doesn't matter at this point why she broke up with you. What's done is done. She took the low road and broke up with you via WhatsApp, instead of face to face. Actions speak louder than words, and this is a clear cut picture of who she really is. She either feels she doesn't owe you an explanation, or she may feel she's too good to give you one. Brush her off the best you can, and move on. She did you a favor. Nobody that does that is worth any heartbreak.

 

True. I even got angry at her (understandably to be honest) and sent some not very nice things to her on WhatsApp. I later apologised for this, and this is helping me to move on. The truth is, is that I don't think she knows in her heart of hearts why she broke up with me. She is a very indecisive person, and doesn't know her own mind. I asked her why she broke up with me, she read the message, didn't reply for a while, so I gave up and asked her to not contact me again, and I've blocked her.

 

My guess is that she was talking to that new guy while you were still together, and that was the reason for the breakup.

 

No this isn't true. She went straight onto POF after we broke up and is talking to him now.

[elaine567]

Very very few people will tell you exactly why they broke up with you, but even when they do, the dumpee is never happy as they did not want to split and no reason is good enough in their eyes.

 

Dumpers know exactly why, but will often try to sweeten the pill so as not to hurt or annoy or anger the dumpee.

.

"I broke up with you because you are boring, the sex is dreadful, I cringe when you touch me, my mother hates you, I could never imagine a future with you and your feet smell... etc."

This is not what people tend to say but it can be what people think...

 

Best not to delve too deep, suffice to say it just didn't work out and move on...

[twatwa123]

Very very few people will tell you exactly why they broke up with you, but even when they do, the dumpee is never happy as they did not want to split and no reason is good enough in their eyes......

 

Okay...I told her that the way she broke up with me really hurts and that her telling me why she broke up with me wouldn't hurt so much.

I honestly don't think she knows why she broke up with me, she's a very confused individual who doesn't seem to know her own mind, and doesn't know what she wants from her life (but knows she doesn't want me)

Edited June 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[twatwa123]

My ex-girlfriend was a bit of a nightmare! I was with her for 6 months, but I was too nice (and inexperienced, she was my first) for my own good.

 

Here's a list of odd comments/things she's done during our time together: My alarm bells should have sounded long ago...

 

* Made inappropriate, immature and mean comment about the size of my penis, saying something along the lines of it's not the biggest. The comment was totally unprovoked.

 

* Cried over various trivial things:

1. Got home hours late because of traffic, ended up crying to her mum over this

2. I made a joke about her flat being haunted, cried over this.

3. Left some food she was going to take home in my fridge, had to come back to mine (10-minute drive) and cried over this

4. I said we'll watch a movie on the sofa rather than in bed, cried. Thought I didn't want to snuggle with her.

5. I had some pictures on my phone of her she didn't like, I said I'm not deleting them because I like them. Cried

6. Cried to her mum because her bank cards got rejected at the supermarket.

*** She says she overthinks things. True maybe. But she's 31 and shouldn't cry over these things. So she's probably emotionally immature. And if she had a mental problem I would have helped her. But she didn't want to go and see anyone. She was waaaayy beyond emotional!

 

* Said "you won't hate me if the relationship doesn't work, because not all of them do you know, but right now I'm happy" -- this was after she briefly split with me in January

 

*Was a very poor communicator with me. Found it hard to talk about sex. Yet she wanted it to just happen even though I'm inexperienced. I was always happy to talk about sex.

 

* Doesn't know what she wants (but does know she doesn't want me)

 

* I complimented her body and she cried sad tears. Said I should have told her this sooner. How odd!

 

* Was a pain when I tried to get her something nice for her birthday. I wanted to go somewhere with her (Her birthday was 2 months after we'd met) but wasn't sure where. I suggested a load of places, she turned around and said "it's not where we go or what we do, but its the fact that I bother to put the effort in and tried to do something nice rather than asking" ......which was very odd and offputting.

 

* Ended up dumping me after we had a nice day out together. We'd just finished eating in a pub. And she blurted it out.

* Regretted it the same day. Asked to start again and to go round hers for a talk which I did. We never talked, it was more like a date. The last thing we did in person was a kiss. Says on my departure she really wants things to work this time. A week later she backtracks and says we're finished.

 

 

* I have no idea why she broke up with me. I could tell there were issues, but from her end, I don't know what they were. She told me that "some things are not meant to be" and "if you try to hard to fix issues that is wrong" -- both true, but she never talked to me about ANY issues. We had no chance to work on anything.

I had my own issues with her, but I tried to talk to her about the issues. I wouldn't dump someone without talking to them about whatever I had a problem with first.

 

* She had one previous relationship before me, the official ending story makes no sense to me:

She tells me:

** She was with him for nearly eight years

** She wanted to end the relationship after a couple of years but didn't because his mother died.

** Stayed with him for another 5-6 years. Ended up moving in together

** Says she broke up with him because they only had sex a handful of times during their time together. She said it "didn't feel right" but stayed with him because she claims to have loved him. She tells me the guy was happy to not have sex with her.

Now, that makes no sense to me. Why would you stay with someone if you are not having sex if it "didn't feel right"

Something doesn't add up in the story which she never told me. I'd be intrigued to know his side of the story!

 

Gaaaaaaah!

 

It hurt at the time, but I'm glad I'm out!

 

Good luck to the next guy she gets with!

Edited June 12, 2019 by twatwa123

[preraph]

Oh, there's issues. She's the issue. She's a mess. There is no reason someone should cry all the time like that. She honestly just sounds like she needs to get in therapy and find out what's going on. Yes, I think you dodged a bullet and should block her and make it official.