lovesflame Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Hello, This story may be long but I will get to the point. I’m really hurting so please go easy on me. We met at work she was substitute teaching and this was around February. We talked a bit and I took her out to see some poetry performances. I took her hiking and she told me her life story filled with foster homes and multiple adoptions. She was inspiring me. I felt called to her and we spoke on a way I never have before about spiritual goals self growth and life overall. She told me she was living with her ex and he had crashed his car into her car and she hated living there. So I told her to stay with me. We moved her out while he was at work. Our connection grew and a month later we were engaged. We spent every moment together at work at home hobbies meditate class and so on. We had a couple disagreements over how often we had sex but we decided to stop having sex and wait until marriage date which was in July. Besides that we had some conversation about boundaries but mainly she just likes alone time more than I and needs it to be content and whole. I can be a bit overwhelming at times but we always reached further understanding and such. We had an argument over delaying the wedding because she said I have so many unresolved issues to work out first but loband behold she was planning it three days later. However We had an argument over me telling her I wanted to see her before I left for my new job and she called the wedding off. Her reasoning was that she does not like me and will not marry someone she doesn’t like. This was exactly two weeks ago. Since then I asked if she wants to work things out and she says she cannot commit to anything because she’s going through her intensive training and internship for 10 hours 6 days per week. I brought it up again saying ok you’re living here and driving my car to work so after this is over can we work it out and she said she can only live in the moment. She told me to practice non attachment which is a basic lesson of life and to let things go also she told me to let go of the idea of the wedding and let the past go. Unfortunately for me, I am hurting so much crying anxious and even trying to see if she is cheating . My therapist thinks she is mistreating me. I told her I was hurt and she put her headphones in. She told me she is. It responsible for my emotions and I must take personal accountability for how I feel. She does say good lessons for life but this really is hard and I believe hope is there that she will come around again. Also she still is planning the honeymoon trip we had for July to Jamaica. Thank you I know this sounds wild but I’m in a tough spot with her living here and sleeping in the same bed. She has no income or job until the internship is over in 5 weeks. Please help me Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Tell her to pack her bags and leave. It's pretty rich that she tells you to work on attachment issues when this woman clearly has no problem attaching herself to you and using your home and car. It's not your problem now; if the relationship is over, she needs to get out. This was all far too much, far too soon. You two rushed things and she hadn't dealt with her previous break-up before latching on to you. That is never a good sign. I agree that you both have issues to work on if either of you thought this was a healthy approach to a relationship and the recipe for long-term success. This says quite a lot about the both of you, and explains why this relationship crashed and burned so quickly. I don't say that to be harsh, and I don't believe you had any malicious intent. But I also don't think you have a healthy view of love and commitment and that is attracting the wrong type of woman. You dodged a bullet here, OP. The chances of this ending in Happily Ever After were extremely slim, but you can learn from this and hopefully make better choices for yourself in future relationships. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Oh your poor generous naïve thing. This was a trainwreck from the outset. You don't move in with strangers & you don't get engaged after only 30 days. This woman would have said & done anything to get out of the situation she was in without having to take responsibility for herself She is a user & you fell for it hook line & sinker. Now she's still got her hands in your wallet for free housing & transportation. Do you have any idea what you will be on the hook for if she causes an accident in your car. I once bought a bad EX out of my house. He had been crying that he had no where to go. I offered him $500 just to be gone. Best money I ever spent. Stop all planning on her part. Cancel every credit card you ever gave her. Change every password. She only wants what you can buy for you & is telling the truth that she doesn't even like you. Trust me there is a new man at this intensive training who is getting an earful about what a rotten bastard you are. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 ^i'm with EII^ Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Kick her out right this second. She is abusing you and weaponizing Buddhism. Stand up for yourself and get rid of her. She's bad news. Don't talk. Don't discuss. Just tell her to go. Don't look back. Jesus dude... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 You were rushing things too much. She was keen to get out of her situation and you came along and were willing to help. Unfortunately, neither of you really knew each other. I think she was probably overwhelmed and not at all ready for marriage. You just didn't know what you were dealing with and were too rushed. I think she needs to move out and you need to become more grounded and realise that marrying a woman within even a year of meeting is too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 A messed up girl and a clinger with a fireman syndrome was never going to work. Detach and dispatch asap. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 kick her out, she'll have to stay with a friend or hotel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 You got engaged a month after she moved out of her ex's house....? Which part of you exactly thought that this was a good idea? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 I’m really hurting so please go easy on me. I'm sorry, but going easy on you isn't going to snap you out of the delusional fog you've been in. This woman is a parasite. Kick yourself in your own rear end and then kick her to the curb with the biggest boots you can find. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 Oh my god, I’m so sorry ! She is using you please tell her to move out immediately. Give her a few days and then take her stuff out and change the locks. In the future , you need to not move this so fast. Give yourself at least one year before you move in with someone. Make sure they are sane and genuine. Work on your neediness on therapy so you can make a better choice next time . Call someone to help you emotionally so you have the strength to kick her out 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 It is hard to have someone going from saying the kindest, sweetest words I have ever heard since I have been alive and we connect on a mental level in so many ways. To having the same person claim they don't like who I am. Alas, yesterday, she again mentioned the trip to Jamaica we had booked (actually she had begun paying on it while she was still with her Ex) and we were planning it for a honeymoon- we were to leave the day after our scheduled wedding. So, yesterday, she is bringing it up again saying she is paying for the rest this week and I can pay her half back. Why would she still want to go with me? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 She just wants to go to Jamaica. She doesn't care who with. If you are going to an AI it will be all about the open bar for her. Tell her to get her money back or get somebody else to go with her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 To having the same person claim they don't like who I am. - SHE DOESN'T CARE WHO YOU ARE. Why would she go with you? -- Because she needs spending money. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 My therapist thinks she is mistreating me. I think you didn’t take time to get to know this woman before you moved her into your home and decided to marry her. Dude - who does that? She needs to move out of your home ASAP. I wouldn’t care who’s sofa she decides to crash on next, it’s just not going to be yours. Do not go to Jamaica with her, do not pass go... Lesson learned here - there is no substitution for time when getting to know someone and building a relationship. You skipped a few steps and now you are seriously paying the price... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 She just wants to go to Jamaica. She doesn't care who with. If you are going to an AI it will be all about the open bar for her. Tell her to get her money back or get somebody else to go with her yes,it is all inclusive but she does not drink at ALL ever since we met. She is mainly about her spiritual growth and all that sort of thing. What do you think I should say about the Jamaica trip? I was thinking it would be a chance for us to rekindle the relationship... that's probably a delusion. But honestly, that is 900 dollars that I do not need to spend. I already wasted the damn plane tickets. But honestly this is a good lesson I cannot be attached to outcomes or love or control the future in any way shape or form, especially with the actions of other people. I have to make myself whole and happy. why in the world would she want to go to Jamaica if she does not even like to speak to me? last night, I told her we rushed things and maybe the pressure was too much and she told me that "you have have your own thoughts then own them and believe them and there is no need to share them with me." She would not be in my condo unless I moved her in. She changed drastically and that is because I did not know her well. Maybe I should be learning something greater from this. I am thinking of asking her why she would like to go to Jamaica with me Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 I am thinking of asking her why she would like to go to Jamaica with me That question could theoretically be asked in a non-needy way, but frankly I don't think you could pull if off at the moment. It's time to move on, which means her moving out, pronto, and no trip to Jamaica. If she asks why, she's already given you the appropriate responses: "It's unfortunate that you're bothered by that, but you need to own your thoughts and believe them and there is no need to share them with me. Bye." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 What do you think I should say about the Jamaica trip? Here - I'll take a stab at this. Hi [Her Name Here]. I've been doing a lot of thinking about the trip and us in general. I think people are in our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime. I want you to know our season has passed and I've learned of my reason. In the spirit of self expression - please know that I don't want to continue our relationship and I don't want to go to Jamaica with you. You need to move out of my condo and we need to go our separate ways and pursue our own journeys. I need you to be out by Friday of this week. If you want to go to Jamaica then that's great - it will be a wonderful journey of self discovery for you. But I am not going. This is not negotiable or open to discussion. I am speaking my truth. Please respect that. Maybe I should be learning something greater from this. Yes. I'll give you one. We teach people how to treat us. I'm not going to go into how you taught her how to treat you that got you into this mess. That doesn't matter. What matter is right now your teaching her that it is okay to treat you like this and you'll accept it. That's wrong for you. You need to teach her that it if she treats you like this then you won't want her in your life. If you do anything other than end the relationship, kick her out and not go to Jamaica then all you will have done is taught her that it is okay to treat you like she is. Listen - I am very deep in the personal development space. You don't get very far in personal development without running into buddhist principles. What she is doing it pretty common - she's weaponizing buddhism. Further, she's using it as an excuse to engage in awful behavior. I see it all the time and it is gross. Don't fall for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 Thank you mrin. That is great advice but I am scared to do it I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. I thought maybe Jamaica would be where we rekindle things. Yes she is using my values and beliefs to justify her selfish behaviors and it’s almost disgusting she would do so. I am shocked because typically we would work things out and talk about how we are growing to greater heights and understanding more deeply now. She won’t even bring it up she told me she can make no guarantees or promises or even think of the future because she must live today only. It’s true but it’s not ok for a relationship. 10 days ago I told her we could move forward and not have huge expectations or labels or anything to pressure her through this time and live each day. She agreed but is far from acting like she is normal around me she acts like she despises me. Why on earth go to Jamaica with me? I want to fix things and go back to what we had but she won’t even agree to work things out. I am going crazy honestly So the other night I told her it was best if she slept on the couch instead of in bed and she said I should cancel the trip to Jamaica I don’t want to go with someone who has a problem with me. And was all upset over sleeping on the couch. What is going on with her? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 Maybe she doesn’t want to go to Jamaica at all and is just saying she wants to go with you to get your $900. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 I'm real sorry buddy, but wake up and run! Get her out of your place and go an a vacation alone or with a buddy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 What do you think I should say about the Jamaica trip? You don't say ****. You cancel that package, sell it to a friend, and have her **** packed up on the front porch when she returns home next. We know you won't, but one day you'll wish you had. Please listen. You're not saving a puppy here. You're removing a parasite from your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 (edited) Why would you want to rekindle the relationship with a woman who cares so little about you that she told you - she doesn’t like you anymore! I mean, what else does she have to say before you decide - maybe this one isn’t the woman for you? As for her being upset about sleeping on the couch - she should be lucky you are giving her anywhere to sleep at all. She’s upset because it’s not your comfortable bed anymore... entitled. Just like the trip to Jamaica. Nobody in their right mind would dump someone and say “I don’t like you anymore” and then expect to sleep in their bed and go on a trip together. It’s crazy! Tell her to find somewhere else to go... Edited June 10, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 No worries OP. I hear you but consider this: the person you thought she was is not the person she is. There is a fundamental disconnect there. There isn't a "going back" because there is nothing to go back to. She is who she is and you have to let go of the woman you thought she was. The sooner you do that the sooner you can go find someone who really is. You should be excited about that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted June 11, 2019 Author Share Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) Thank you all. What the hell is wrong with me? It’s been two weeks I can’t do it and can’t kick her out. I just picked her up from work today and then we had a normal nice conversation about her day. I’ve left other women high and dry and kicked them out or left what am I doing now? Why am I going on this way I keep hope alive It’s funny because she told me “you aren’t who you presented yourself to be when we met.” And “your issues are preventing us from having a good relationship and you won’t face them.” Edited June 11, 2019 by lovesflame Link to post Share on other sites
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