annalilian26 Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 (edited) I (28F) met a really wonderful guy (25) who was studying here as an international student from the US who had been living here for 2 years and just started a 4 year grad program. We really hit it off from the start and spent a lot of valuable time together. Over the course of 3 months, we entered an exclusive relationship with each other and throughout that time I found him a total gentleman and he was so easy to get along with, it almost felt like I had never been with someone I was so compatible with. One night, he surprised me by showing up at my work when I finished my shift and he took me on a really great date and told me that he was falling in love with me. I don't usually fall so easily, but I felt exactly the same way and expressed that I reciprocated these feelings. Before this had happened, I already knew he was quite smitten as he would tell me that I am the most wonderful, beautiful woman he has ever met and that he felt like he stumbled upon a diamond. We had also made all these wonderful plans together of meeting family, friends and future travels, so this new beginning was pretty exciting for both of us. Now I am someone who prefers to take things slow as I have been hurt before, but he really seemed legit from the start and was very different from the type of guy I dated before him (so much that it took me about three dates to develop an attraction to him). At the start, I told people close to me that I need to be careful and they insisted that he seems lovely. Unfortunately, the day after he told me he loved me, he shifted into a completely different person and became really moody and hostile towards me. I wasn't clear what the reason was, but I tried to talk through it with him and he revealed that he needs to break up with me because he has to throw himself entirely into his creative projects and cannot be held down. I was really shocked and tried to tell him that I would support him with whatever he choses to do and he insisted that he can no longer have me around as I will tie him down and that he thinks I am pathetic and didn't really love me. He said he realised his feelings for me were all a lie and that my feelings for him were always burning more intensely (in my defence, he was the one always coming on stronger, so much that I had to have a conversation early on in the first month to tell him that I think we need to take it a bit slower). From there, he told me to never attempt to contact him and he blocked me from everything. I have spent the last two weeks totally crushed and am still in shock as to how this all happened. It's almost like the person I established this really happy relationship with never even existed and it was all a show. How is it possible that someone can cut themselves off from someone emotionally? Would anyone have any insight as to what could have happened? Is it possible he would even regret this? Edited June 6, 2019 by annalilian26 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Do you think that maybe that relationship came at a time when you were feeling a little vulnerable yourself? I understand how you are feeling; it can't be easy to go from such an emotional high to such an emotional low in what seems like no time at all. At the same time, 3 months isn't very long in the scheme of things; at least you can take comfort in that. Maybe he realised it went too far too fast and he freaked out knowing the relationship had a sell-by date anyway since he was an international student; maybe that's what he does; maybe etc....In any case, cutting you off without warning shows he was a very poor communicator at best and a consummate player at worst. The bottom line is that you will likely never know, so the best (and only, really) thing you can do is focus on your own emotional and mental well-being without dwelling on this man too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annalilian26 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 Hey, thanks for writing in. He was here on a 4 year grad program, so had quite a bit of time here and he gave me a lot of assurance that he wanted to stay in Australia and would stay here for me. I can't say I have been feeling vulnerable at the time when this relationship came along, I was feeling quite strong and happy with the direction of everything and within myself. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 I was feeling quite strong and happy with the direction of everything and within myself. That's a good thing! Then you can easily go back to how you were feeling a few months ago. As you said, he blocked you from everything, so he's made it simple for you to move on from this experience quickly. In terms of what his motives were, it doesn't really matter. He can't have been such a wonderful guy for cutting you off without a warning, or at least he had 'issues'. Don't dwell on it, and go back to your happy self. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Unfortunately, the day after he told me he loved me, he shifted into a completely different person and became really moody and hostile towards me. He said he realised his feelings for me were all a lie and that my feelings for him were always burning more intensely (in my defence, he was the one always coming on stronger, so much that I had to have a conversation early on in the first month to tell him that I think we need to take it a bit slower). I have spent the last two weeks totally crushed and am still in shock as to how this all happened. It's almost like the person I established this really happy relationship with never even existed and it was all a show. How is it possible that someone can cut themselves off from someone emotionally? Would anyone have any insight as to what could have happened? Is it possible he would even regret this? Yea, it can happen. People are all so different in how they experience things. When you have strong feelings for someone you default to believing that they feel the same way about you, and esp. if they've told you that. But the reality is they probably do not. They perceive and experience you differently than you imagine, differently than the way you experience them. There are two realities existing in parallel with some people –– the stories they tell you, the role they play with you, but they may have subconscious notions and motivations that are never expressed outwardly. Compartmentalization can facilitate a Jekyll-Hyde dichotomy. I had almost the same thing happen two years ago. We'd been dating almost two years and never had a cross word. It seemed heavenly. I don't go all-in easily either, but I was with her. I thought she felt the same –– she said she did. Then one day I got dumped via text message. She wouldn't meet or even talk on the phone. I never spoke to her again. I didn't think such a scenario was even possible, but it was. She was just playing a role, and one day she was done. People who have real feelings can't turn them off instantly, but people who are pretending can. In hindsight there were clues, but I couldn't see them at the time, in part because I didn't want to. Here's what I suspect happened with your guy... he was happy to have you filing the position for awhile, and when it was new and fun and exciting it was just what he needed. But he never integrated you into his life plan, or allowed his feelings to develop at a deeper level. Then when you both said the ILUs that day it got too real for him. It triggered his fear of vulnerability. People who like to be in control have a hard time with vulnerability, but when you really care for another person it necessarily makes you feel vulnerable. You're giving someone the power to break your heart. Immature and emotionally unavailable people run away when that happens. My guess is that's what happened with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author annalilian26 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 (edited) Yea, it can happen. People are all so different in how they experience things. When you have strong feelings for someone you default to believing that they feel the same way about you.... Hey, you make some really good points. I can't say I saw any clues of him not reciprocating feelings, in fact it felt like he was the one who was feeling it more intensely than I was and made very grand gestures for his feelings for me all the time through action and words. I guess you could be right. I will add that he also kind of contradicted himself after breaking up with me telling me he is breaking up with me to protect me because he loves me but then went on to say that his feelings towards me are total 'ambivalence'. Makes absolutely no sense at all! Edited June 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Well, I hate to once again cry personality disordered, but it sounds like either that or he's just a player plain and simple. These PDish folks (and players too) can really do a number emotionally on those they form relationships with. It sounds like he "devalued" you, which is no doubt a very lousy experience. It's too bad you ran into this guy. Strongly suggest that whatever you feel you WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. Whatever species of bad he is, he's bad and clearly shown you who he is. Also strongly suggest you do NOT let him suck you back in (which he may try to do). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 This was very odd behavior and the guy has some huge issues. As Mark Clemson wrote, probably a personality disorder. You dodged a bullet. I wouldn't look back and if he comes back to you, which he may, I'd not take him back. He's going to be a problem for anyone he gets involved with, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising2018 Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Salparadise has a good point. I was just dumped this week and it was very similar. We had dated for 10 months and never fought. I was blind to the warning signs the last few months as he was pulling away but was saying it was his medicine tapering doing it. I believed him and stood by him. He even started saying the L word to me after months of me saying it off and on. The day he dumped me he was still saying how he misses me but low and behold he called me and dumped me, crying, saying it's him and not me and how he doesn't think he's capable of love. I was heartbroken. He also said he would talk to me later but I have not heard Hyde or tail from him and I don't like being lied to so it makes the heartache less. I was told to chase him and get answers but I'm done chasing immature men who play me. He's my age, late 30s and is still not sure what he wants in a woman or relationship so he plays them or uses them for companionship without telling them until later and to me that is very wrong. Anyhow take the time to self reflect....I have and realized what I missed. I'm still hurting but not s bad but most of all I am very lonely, I don't like being alone and never have. Dating here where I live sucks, either it's a farmer which is not my cup of tea or it's an oilfield guy and there is a good chance they are married or dating and are cheating from my experience. So it sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Had you had sex with him? If not, he was just laying it on to get sex and finally gave up. If you had been having regular sex, then I'm saying he's just a nasty piece of work you're well rid of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annalilian26 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Share Posted June 7, 2019 Had you had sex with him? If not, he was just laying it on to get sex and finally gave up. If you had been having regular sex, then I'm saying he's just a nasty piece of work you're well rid of. Yes we were having regular sex quite early in the piece. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annalilian26 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Share Posted June 7, 2019 To everyone following, I think i might have unintentionally omitted some important information as I didn’t want the post to get too detailed and I apologise for this! Some important things to add: -He had come out of a relationship 6 months before meeting me (he moved over to my country for her) and was still pretty bruised about it because it was a very volatile relationship and he said that she was very jealous, controlling and a ‘terrible person’. I was very weary getting involved with him knowing how recent it was and knowing he was pretty scarred by it. I was concerned that this may have been a rebound for him and I expressed all these things to him and he was quite hurt about this, telling me that he is really genuinely interested in me and he sees me so much more than a rebound and that it is unfair that I could be holding this against him as he is ready to get involved with me seriously.he assured me that he had absolutely no feelings for his ex and he had moved on from her well before they broke up. -later on he told me that he is going to start going to therapy because he wants to address everything in that relationship that he is scarred by from her abusive behaviour and doesn’t want to bring any of it into the new relationship and does not want to stuff our relationship up because of it. -early on he did say that he was once diagnosed with bipolar in his late teens, but didn’t ever talk about it again and fobbed it off as a ridiculous diagnosis he didn’t agree with. Also, didn’t really go into much detail into the discussion we had when we had broken up where he said these hurtful things to me about never loving me. We had two different phone discussions after the break up – -in the first conversation things were a little more heartfelt (this was the conversation before the nasty stuff was said). He told me he is breaking up with me because he is unstable and ‘not a good boy’ and will end up destroying me. He also said he was emotionally abusive with his previous girlfriends. He also revealed some terrible stuff about his behaviour in his last relationship, telling me that he nearly went ahead with cheating on his girlfriend as a means of spiting her because he resented her so much. He also said a huge problem in the relationship was her having put on a lot of weight, which caused resentment for him. He said that she once baked treats for him and he lashed out telling her that she should stop wasting time baking and go for a walk and lose some weight so he can finally be attracted to her again (which I thought was absolutely awful). -In the first conversation he also said some sweet things, such as how he thinks I am a diamond, how he was genuinely so happy with me and he will never forget me. He was crying on the phone when he said this. -The day after we spoke on the phone to organise getting some of his stuff back and this is where he became really nasty and said all those hurtful things to me about never loving me. In this conversation he also said that I shouldn’t have pushed for making us a couple or telling him I loved him too soon, which makes no sense as he was the one who brought these things up first, not me. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 He told me he is breaking up with me because he is unstable and ‘not a good boy’ and will end up destroying me. He also said he was emotionally abusive with his previous girlfriends. He also revealed some terrible stuff about his behaviour in his last relationship, telling me that he nearly went ahead with cheating on his girlfriend as a means of spiting her because he resented her so much You need to stay away from this person, OP. Believe him when he says he will hurt you terribly. He knows himself; you don't. He knows what he is capable of and he has enough insight to break up with you before he can do it to you, too. An ex of mine once warned me of something similar, very early into our relationship. I minimized it, thinking he had changed. Oh, how I wish I had run when I got the warning! It ended being the most toxic and emotionally-destructive relationship of my life. This is a blessing in disguise. You have just dodged a lot of heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 So, LOTS of red flags then to go along with the breakup. Nothing wrong with thinking through all of that to try to get some insight, but the bottom line here is he did you a HUGE favor by breaking up with you - you really don't want to be dealing with this guy long term. I think over time life and relationships teach most of us to walk away from, not towards, red flags like this. Stay away. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 cut me off so easily/heartlessly. Any insights? -- There was never any real attachment anyway. If you're honest with yourself and upon reflection, were you feeling like you were putting more effort into it than he was pretty much all along? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Why don't women believe men when they tell them bad things about themselves? It's incredible. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 (edited) Why don't women believe men when they tell them bad things about themselves? It's incredible. Lots of women think they will be the "one" who will change/help a man grow. She can help mold him. Make him a better man. I always say that if you are dating a man who has a few things you'd like to change in order to be happy with him, you're wasting your time. You don't want a "build-a-man". Frankenstein did that and it didn't go well . . . They are loving the vision they have for a relationship, and not really seeing/hearing the person they are with for who they are. Edited June 7, 2019 by Redhead14 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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