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Difficult Breakup


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AlexBroome

My girlfriend of the last 6 years broke things off with me.

 

She feels that we have grown apart over the last year or so (we have lived together for 2 years), the sex kind of stopped, 100% down to my sex drive even though i found her very attractive still.

 

I don't think that there is any chance of saving the relationship she seems pretty sure and has said herself she is happy, although she still cares about me and really wants us to remain friends, although she kept saying that who knows that the future holds.

 

She is also currently going through difficult times with herself, she said during the last year of the relationship she felt alone, when she talks to me about it, it sounds like she is depressed, could this of had an impact on the decision she made?

 

Its worth noting that we initially took a 2 week break, I moved back to my mums, she said she thought it would make our relationship stronger, that she wanted to miss me and want me etc, but it didn't seem to.

 

 

This was around a 6 weeks a go,

 

Currently finding it hard to come to terms with everything ending, I am 8 days into no contact, but will need to speak to her at some point as we are sorting out a joint mortgage we have.

 

 

I am currently seeing a councillor to help with anxiety that I have been experiencing from the breakup and and the doctor gave me some AD's to help.

 

Suppose it would be really useful to see if you have any advise, and if no contact is the right thing to do, finding it hard not to message her.

 

I would always share how my day has gone with her and message her every day pretty much.

 

Thanks!!

 

Alex

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7 year itch, no sex, I guess no plans for marriage/kids...

She felt disconnected, she saw no future. She broke up with you.

I guess she is not coming back to you.

Go NC for your own sake

BUT

Sort out that mortgage and house ASAP.

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A few things.

 

NC is a luxury not afforded to you right now. You have to talk to deal with untangling your lives. The bank that holds your mortgage doesn't give a flying fig about your love life. They want to get paid. If she's living in this house & you are not, you have to get off this mortgage ASAP before she stops paying & screws up your credit rating. Can she afford to buy you out? Will the bank let her? If not, when is that house going on the market? If there is not a for sale sign in that yard by the end of the week, you need to talk to a lawyer about forcing something called a partition sale. Do not delay or the relationship may be the least valuable thing you lose.

 

There is no such thing as a "break". It's a different name for a break up. She learned that she can live without you.

 

You said she doesn't feel heard in the relationship. After 6 years & a house together I suspect she has been angling for a deeper commitment from you -- marriage -- but you were content with all that trappings & not of the legal obligations. If that is the case a ring, a proposal & a wedding date can fix this.

 

Her offer for friendship is not an offer for continued interaction. It's a request for no public drama

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AlexBroome
7 year itch, no sex, I guess no plans for marriage/kids...

She felt disconnected, she saw no future. She broke up with you.

I guess she is not coming back to you.

Go NC for your own sake

BUT

Sort out that mortgage and house ASAP.

 

Its strange because i have every intention and plans for children & marriage, her parents asked me often about it as, I even said to her I was ready for it but wanted to save for a really nice ring before asking.

 

I think what she was scared of is, 'would this be what the rest of her life is like' no sex, and when it came it was almost forced, she has never been single, she has been in a relationship (with me and 2 others since the age of 14) I know a big part of it all is her wanting see what being single is like, having an almost care free live.

 

Yeah the mortgage is getting sorted, we broke on very good terms, it was almost weird, she is buying me out of the mortgage and even giving me money for the furnishings etc.

 

Just very hard to come to terms with everything and to keep up NC, (i know i will have to speak to her eventually about living arrangements).

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Just keep working with the counselor. View it as LC -- low or limited contact -- for now until the mortgage & the money get sorted. Then you can go NC.

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AlexBroome
A few things.

 

NC is a luxury not afforded to you right now. You have to talk to deal with untangling your lives. The bank that holds your mortgage doesn't give a flying fig about your love life. They want to get paid. If she's living in this house & you are not, you have to get off this mortgage ASAP before she stops paying & screws up your credit rating. Can she afford to buy you out? Will the bank let her? If not, when is that house going on the market? If there is not a for sale sign in that yard by the end of the week, you need to talk to a lawyer about forcing something called a partition sale. Do not delay or the relationship may be the least valuable thing you lose.

 

There is no such thing as a "break". It's a different name for a break up. She learned that she can live without you.

 

You said she doesn't feel heard in the relationship. After 6 years & a house together I suspect she has been angling for a deeper commitment from you -- marriage -- but you were content with all that trappings & not of the legal obligations. If that is the case a ring, a proposal & a wedding date can fix this.

 

Her offer for friendship is not an offer for continued interaction. It's a request for no public drama

 

 

I no complete NC is possible but limited to only living arrangements talk it, I don't think the commitment was an issue, she knew i was in it for the long haul, i spoke often about marriage and children, we had plans to buy a bigger property and get a dog!

 

I think over maybe the last year she grew apart from me, due to the lack of sex, and we spent less time with each other over the years.

 

Its such a shame because I didn't see it happening, taking for granted what I had is exactly what I did.

 

I have said that I cannot be friends with her just yet as its still too raw but, she said she still loves me so much, she would never have a bad word said about me etc.

 

Thank you for replying by the way

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AlexBroome
Just keep working with the counselor. View it as LC -- low or limited contact -- for now until the mortgage & the money get sorted. Then you can go NC.

 

Yeah I think that is best aswell, much easier said than done though, often I just really want to message her to see how she is feeling and if I can help with anything.

 

Then I try to remember that she wanted space and time with herself, so that stops me.

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She may have seen that you were in for the "long-haul" but what you really did was give her a preview of what your life together would be like. I'm sure the lack of any sex was a factor, but I'd imagine there is more to this then that.

 

We've all fallen into that trap of taking what we have for granted. Sometimes we really don't realize what we had or how good we had it until its gone. Take every day as a gift and never stop investing in someone you love because one day they could be gone.

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AlexBroome
She may have seen that you were in for the "long-haul" but what you really did was give her a preview of what your life together would be like. I'm sure the lack of any sex was a factor, but I'd imagine there is more to this then that.

 

We've all fallen into that trap of taking what we have for granted. Sometimes we really don't realize what we had or how good we had it until its gone. Take every day as a gift and never stop investing in someone you love because one day they could be gone.

 

Hi,

 

Yes I competently agree, this is what I think she thought, looking back now I know she would of panicked thinking the rest of her life would be like that.

 

This was my first relationship, and first time falling in love, I did take it for granted without realising it and that is what has pushed her away.

 

I am hoping time apart is the best thing for both us for now.

 

Just wish there was a way of starting again, with my lessons learned.

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Learn.

 

You get out of a relationship what you put into it for the most part.

 

Get the financials sorted out. Then move on.

 

Trying to stay friends in this situation probably won't be in your best interests.

 

You really want to be around her dating others?

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AlexBroome
Learn.

 

You get out of a relationship what you put into it for the most part.

 

Get the financials sorted out. Then move on.

 

Trying to stay friends in this situation probably won't be in your best interests.

 

You really want to be around her dating others?

 

Thank you for replying,

 

Yes 100% I have learned from my mistakes! And will not repeat the same ever again.

 

I agree about friends for the time being, I hope I will eventually be in a position where I can be friends with her, but at present its unknown.

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