PhoenixRising2018 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Just was dumped a few days ago. Was told the classic line that it's not me, it's him. He said I deserve better. He said it wasn't fair to me to not be loved like I deserve. I was perfectly happy with what we had going. Happier than I had ever been. I was never pushy, sure I voiced my dreams but never once did I say it was a deal breaker. Very little makes me want to end a relationship, abuse and infidelity are the only two. Both of which I have endured once....never again. So what gives. Why do guys think they can decide what makes us happy? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Why do guys think they can decide what makes us happy? I suspect he was doing what is going to make him happy, and was trying to spare your feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising2018 Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 I somewhat understand that but would rather want the good honest truth. I told him that I will be there for him in whatever way he needs and that he was enough for me even if he couldn't love me like I him . He kept saying it's not fair to me. It was like he wasn't listening to me saying that I was happy. I am wrong for loving someone so much that it makes me happy? Am I too golden hearted. I am so hurt and confused as this happened out of the blue, he kept saying how he cared about me and was so sorry and crying. I just wanted to be there for him so bad. It's like I'm not enough for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 He kept saying it's not fair to me. It was like he wasn't listening to me saying that I was happy. Well, it isn't fair for you to settle for someone who doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him, and he knows this even if you don't. He doesn't feel the same way you do, and he's right when he says it is not fair. It's also not fair for you to expect him to stay in the relationship he's no longer feeling just because you are willing to settle. It sucks! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising2018 Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 Well, it isn't fair for you to settle for someone who doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him, and he knows this even if you don't. He doesn't feel the same way you do, and he's right when he says it is not fair. It's also not fair for you to expect him to stay in the relationship he's no longer feeling just because you are willing to settle. It sucks! It does suck and what hurts the most is all the way up until he called crying and ending it was him saying how much he missed me. That's what hurt, that this came out of the blue, there was no warning, nothing. I feel like a failure, like I did something seriously wrong. I've been married once and that ended after 12 years as we were young and settled. Two years later I found a man who cared for me but after 5 years and blinders coming off I realized the abuse I endured. Then I found a guy who truly listened to me, didn't pressure me into anything, didn't cause drama, liked the same stuff, and truly cared about my well being. That is what I was looking for, then to have it torn from me today. He kept saying he cares for me so much but I deserved better. I just don't understand how a guy can go from saying he misses me and in less than two hours breaks up with me. I just cannot grasp that. What happened to communication and talking through things to say hey I need space to work on me but I still want you there by my side???? What happened to that? Sorry for the rant but I am so truly hurt..... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Just was dumped a few days ago. Was told the classic line that it's not me, it's him. He said I deserve better. He said it wasn't fair to me to not be loved like I deserve. what a bunch of bull-oney Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Well, it isn't fair for you to settle for someone who doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him, and he knows this even if you don't. He doesn't feel the same way you do, and he's right when he says it is not fair. It's also not fair for you to expect him to stay in the relationship he's no longer feeling just because you are willing to settle. It sucks! Totally agree with this. I'll reframe it from his point of view: For whatever reason he isn't feeling the way toward you that is necessary to continue a long and happy relationship. And unfortunately that's going to be the case no matter how much you care for him, are kind to him and the amount of things you two do together. He just might be missing that extra "spark", or is noticing major differences between you two in the relationship that suggests he isn't right for you. Whatever it is, he's just not feeling it. And as horrible as it is for you to hear, I think it's better for it to happen sooner rather than later. Because the realistic alternative is staying in that relationship for many more months or years, while ambivalence eats away at your relationship slowly and causing resentment over time. This is what he means when he says it's not fair to you - it's almost always better to break up a relationship to have a chance to find the right person down the track, rather than stay in one that is in slow decline. I did so for half of my previous relationship (3 of the 6 years) - it was way more miserable than any break up I've had. You start getting irritable toward each other, don't communicate, one (or both) consider cheating... it's awful. You haven't done anything wrong here. A big reason he was so upset was because he knew what he had to do, and he knew how much it was going to hurt you. It goes to show he really does care about you - even if he can't continue a relationship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 When he tells you that you deserve someone who loves you like you love them, this translates to "he wants someone who he loves dearly". While your bar of only leaving for abuse or infidelity is very low, his bar is set at finding someone who is compatible and who he really loves. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 From his end there was nothing to talk through, nothing to fix. He doesn't need space to think, he doesn't want you by his side. He is just done. The fact he told you you deserve better probably means he has been up to no good or is about to be up to no good. It may explain the sudden shift. He is on a journey and you are not part of it, you can't go with him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 He's immature, that's all. He doesn't know how to express that he wants it to be over, so instead he drives himself (and you) crazy in the process. I dated a guy who sobbed when he broke up with me, held me, wept that he couldn't do this, that he'd never get over me, he'd think about me the rest of his life, I deserved so much better, he was such a bad person, he knew our love would last forever, etc etc. He even called my friends and told them we'd get back together soon. You think that happened? He started dating someone else within a month and they're married now. He just didn't know how to handle his feelings, that's all. Nobody wants to tell the truth during a breakup. Do you really think he would say something like "You're great, but I've just met a woman who I think is the love of my life"? It is hard and ugly, even under the best circumstances, so most people end up just spouting nonsense. The whole it's-not-you-it's-me is an attempt to make you feel better, and to make it abundantly clear that he isn't going to change his mind. He just wants the relationship to be over and he wants you to feel as good about yourself as possible. Of course, he kinda ruined this what with all the crying about how much he misses you, etc, but the intent was there. The fact is that if he genuinely wanted to date you again, he would be at your side begging for you back. If he's not doing that,it's because he doesn't want to. Elaine said it very well. He wants the relationship to be over. He's going on a new road and doesn't want you there. It really doesn't matter what anyone says after they tell you they want to break up. Their reasons don't matter. If someone decides their life is better off without you, that's all you need to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 You may have been happy. He wasn't He knew that you cared more than he did & that really isn't fair. He may also be depressed & in that case he broke up with you because he had no faith in himself. He was telling you the truth that it wasn't you. It was all him. Break ups default to the one who wants out. Chin up though. When you fine The One, it will last. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising2018 Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 I'm still here guys and I'm still trying to process everything. I understand why he did what he did but it doesn't make the pain any less. He had told me since he is dealing with medication issues that he doesn't feel he is capable of loving anyone. I told him I understand that and that's no matter what I would always be there for him and whatever way he needs me to be even if it's just friends. I guess I just have too large of a heart for people and in the end I get burned for it. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I guess I just have too large of a heart for people and in the end I get burned for it. No, that isn't it at all. It's just that breakups hurt. Period. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 So when you tell a guy you'll stay even if they don't share your feelings and despite whatever slights they are doing to you and despite them seeing other women, you are telling them not to respect you. You are telling them you have no respect for yourself, that you have shaky standards and don't expect much of other people. It's too desperate. They lose respect for you for being that easy and not having standards for who you fall for. Plus they know they aren't serious about you and just think you're crazy for acting serious about them. You need to expect more from a relationship, some respect, some momentum, some commitment . You are still letting men walk all over you. This one opted not to because he wasn't a bad guy, but he knew desperate when he saw it and knows that's not good. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Fekenaws Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Because he wasn't happy. He lied to you to save your feelings, which in turn makes him feel less bad about hurting yours in the process. This is very common. There is no deeper meaning. He wasn't happy and hasn't been for a while. You just got the memo when he told you that you guys were breaking up. Sorry for your loss, go No Contact and start moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Yeah, medication has nothing to do with it he thought it was a good exit excuse but that didn't work because you're still there. I agree with Preraph. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I somewhat understand that but would rather want the good honest truth. People always say they want the truth until they get the truth. Someone was on here recently saying that his GF wouldn't commit to him because he couldn't hold an intelligent conversation and was less educated than her. Back in college, I had a friend that liked me, but I was not attracted to him at all. I told him this, and it really hurt his feelings. To the point that he never spoke to me again. That situation left a big impression on me, and I regret it to this day. I was inexperienced and thought I was doing the right thing by telling him the truth, so he could accept it and find someone else. Trust me, the truth is overrated when breaking up with someone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 People always say they want the truth until they get the truth. Someone was on here recently saying that his GF wouldn't commit to him because he couldn't hold an intelligent conversation and was less educated than her. Back in college, I had a friend that liked me, but I was not attracted to him at all. I told him this, and it really hurt his feelings. To the point that he never spoke to me again. That situation left a big impression on me, and I regret it to this day. I was inexperienced and thought I was doing the right thing by telling him the truth, so he could accept it and find someone else. Trust me, the truth is overrated when breaking up with someone. "you can't handle the truth!!!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I'm still here guys and I'm still trying to process everything. I understand why he did what he did but it doesn't make the pain any less. He had told me since he is dealing with medication issues that he doesn't feel he is capable of loving anyone. I told him I understand that and that's no matter what I would always be there for him and whatever way he needs me to be even if it's just friends. I guess I just have too large of a heart for people and in the end I get burned for it. Everything you said to him made you less attractive in his eyes. I understand wanting to know the truth, but you have to accept it when someone breaks up with you. A lot of times, people dig for the truth because they think that if they know the truth, they can fix it. Many times, there may not even be some concrete issue. It might just be that he's not as interested as you are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 When it comes to dating and romance, I think we seek the truth because we think if we are given a specific reason, we'll be able to fix it and prevent the separation. I agree with the above poster, though. Sometimes there really isn't a concrete reason. It's just a matter of the person realizing this isn't something they truly want to invest in long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Agree that the whole "it's not you, it's me" line is in part conflict-avoidant. If he gives actual true reasons you might get more upset, you might push back on the claimed reasons, you might start to ask for an opportunity to change, etc. It avoids stretching out the break up. At least he spoke to you face-to-face. Too many people these days apparently simply ghost, which IMO is the really dick move. Agreeing with Preraph and others that being too willing to take him back etc right now won't really help your cause. IMO regaining your composure and at least appearing to move on has a better (still very very low) chance of getting him re-interested, if anything's going to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Mark is right about not giving the truth. Back in my dating days, I'd always given a "it's not you, it's me" because when I'm honest, I get push back against the reasons. It just draws the whole thing out and makes it more unpleasant. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I once broke up with a woman because she had ugly feet. That was the real reason but I told her that we were incompatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising2018 Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 At least he spoke to you face-to-face. Too many people these days apparently simply ghost, which IMO is the really dick move. Agreeing with Preraph and others that being too willing to take him back etc right now won't really help your cause. IMO regaining your composure and at least appearing to move on has a better (still very very low) chance of getting him re-interested, if anything's going to work. Yeah..... he didn't do this in person he called me on the phone and that just made it worse! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Yeah..... he didn't do this in person he called me on the phone and that just made it worse! How would it have made it better if it was face to face? Link to post Share on other sites
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