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Long distance gone wrong? In such short time?


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Throwaway101

I had been in an on and off long distance relationship for a little over a year. She was 35, I am 26. We live 1,000 miles apart. We had so much in common and she would help me through even the worst times I was going through. She supported me and all my goals and dreams as I did her. We had tried meeting and start building for a relationship but due to bad timing and poor planning it didn’t work out. started talking a month ago and we started to slowly rekindle what we had.

 

I had just began moving (got thrown out of my house more or less). She and her children (she had two) were always there to brighten the night and reduce the loneliness. We were really excited to finally meet. The plan was the first night would be just me and her, the second me, her and the kids, third I was supposed to meet her parents. Then I would visit every other weekend or she would come to me. Eventually one of us would move (presumably me; I liked where she was so it was okay). She had already introduced me to her mother over the phone and had my picture by her bedside and fridge... We even bought each other gifts (she bought me a late birthday gift and I bought her a Mother’s Day one).

 

Eventually the day came for me to fly out to see her. We embraced, shaking as we did and kissed as if we knew each other for years. The day didn’t go as we had planned seeing as my luggage was put on the wrong flight so we had to stay near the airport. We talked and worked out together, grabbed my bag, then went back. She began to act strange when we went to dinner telling me about her exes and how they weren’t right and how she would end things quick when she felt something was missing. I tried asking what was she wanted in a relationship and she couldn’t answer. I began to get nervous, but I didn’t want to communicate that out of fear of upsetting her. We’d been waiting a while.

 

We went back to her place and had sex. I took viagra to be safe. My penis was bigger than average and she knew before (she was alarmed when I showed her in a video chat). I went a bit rough and fast because of the viagra and a couple of other things. She had c sections previously and due to this she was tight. Sex had hurt and caused her to bleed. She orgasmed twice.

 

The next day on out way to run an errand, she communicated how she felt about the sex. “Am I excited about doing it again? No. I’m not gonna lie.” She communicated it was uncomfortable and hard for her to enjoy. I wasn’t sure if that meant she wanted to end it. It had ONLY BEEN ONE DAY, looking back. While she did her thing (she had to do makeup and I had to make a business call), I really didn’t have time to think and my mind just went for the worst... When we got back to her car, I offered to switch my flight back (which again I should’ve probably tried to talk to her), and after rambling a bit about her uncertainty, saying something along the line of “sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship but it is a part of it,” she agreed, saying she felt bad.

 

When we went back to get my luggage things were quiet. She was stalling to take me back to the airport. It seemed as though she didn’t want to take me back (it was early and she was like “So you just want to go back now?”) She then stopped me again saying she was hungry, I said “So eat.” She pulled her food out and said “Okay but I can’t, you’re acting like..” I was like acting like what? She was like “This is awkward. This is really awkward.” We didn’t speak the whole ride back and when I got there, I saw her burst into tears as she drove away.

 

Only a few days later did things start to hit me; I could have offered solutions as to how to resolve the sex issue, I could’ve talked about how nervous I was about having sex and how nervous I was during sex. I also sort of rushed because we both had to be up early the following morning. I should have also reminded her it was only day 1 of us having sex and even meeting so of course the tension and pressure would be high. I could have also reinstated our promise to work through problems that occurred. I tried texting her four days after to communicate this (she deleted me off of social media a day prior to this). She responded at first and then disappeared later after I explained myself.

 

I can’t believe it ended this way... We had so many plans for the future. I regret having sex so soon as it may not have caused these problems and I would have been able to meet her family. I also regret offering to take a flight back rather than offering solutions and reminding her of how great everything else was going. That it was okay and healthy to have anxiety... I don’t know if I was lead on or if it was my fault... Could I possibly save this? It’s been two weeks since we talked. Everything feels like a fog and it’s taking a toll on me.

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mark clemson

A sad story, and you have my sympathy.

 

She began to act strange when we went to dinner telling me about her exes and how they weren’t right and how she would end things quick when she felt something was missing. I tried asking what was she wanted in a relationship and she couldn’t answer. I began to get nervous, but I didn’t want to communicate that out of fear of upsetting her. We’d been waiting a while.

 

This seems odd. It sounds like history repeated itself for her yet again. It's possible she has some sort of psychological issue that causes her to "jump the gun" on ending relationships. Possibly she fears rejection so strikes first or something similar. Or maybe she has some unrealistic expectations of perfection.

 

At any rate, nothing wrong with trying to reach out to her another time, but honestly I wouldn't get my hopes up. Unfortunately some people really can't see when their beliefs and/or behavior patterns are causing problems for themselves. :(

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Throwaway101

It took me a while to figure out but I think I know what she means... She’s in fact like me. Like how I used to be... She’s been through traumatic breakups (married twice in fact), and was scared of making the wrong decision. Her past relationships went really fast. She’d been proposed to in a matter of months... I had relationships move too fast like this one and end badly. She would hit the escape pod out of fear of a repeat of last time. I wish I had communicated to her that I was this way once but I soon realized that I was giving up chances of something great out of fear of the past. She had a thing about living in the moment but I realized that not enjoying the moment prevents you from building the future (we’re both athletes so Motivation is a big thing). I should’ve communicated to her that what she’s feeling is normal and actually healthy. That this happening early on an indicator of something real growing between us. And how problems like intimacy are a test. After all we did promise before the visit that if there were problems we would work through them (which we both failed on)...

 

But these are all things I realized when it was too late.

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It went wrong because you'd both built the bond without actually being together. Thing is, it's not actually real until then. Things like past baggage which was previously kept hidden comes to the surface.

 

I guess it was the bad sex which nailed the coffin closed though. Smaller guys can go fast and hard without fear of injuring her, but big guys don't have that luxury. They need to always be aware of how they can hurt a woman. Viagra is no excuse for forgetting yourself.

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Throwaway101

I disagree about the first part. If what we had wasn’t real we wouldn’t have been spending as much time as we did talking. We had been involved for nearly half a year but as friends for way before that.

 

As far as the bad sex goes it was the first time which is always a bit awkward but the way I reacted was probably like you said the nail in the coffin. I wasn’t thinking clearly because we both had gotten only three hours of sleep. I think it was that we didn’t know how to react to it but you are right in that I should’ve been more aware. And that I should’ve used more lubricant... One thing I didn’t mention out of fear of being judged is that I’m not very experienced with PIV. I’ve had oral and other things but I only had penetrative five other times.

 

She also mentioned while things were good she usually only orgasms from oral which I should’ve done instead of penetrative. UGH.

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ExpatInItaly
I disagree about the first part. If what we had wasn’t real we wouldn’t have been spending as much time as we did talking. We had been involved for nearly half a year but as friends for way before that.

 

This is what you're not getting - you had never met in person. That is crucial. I think she just didn't feel the chemistry in person, and the sex just confirmed that she's not into you like that.

 

She was off before you had sex, by your own account. That strongly suggests something was bothering her before you two even got to the bedroom. Having sex made it worse, not necessarily because the sex was bad but because she just wasn't attracted to you in the way she thought she would be.

 

I'm sorry, OP. I don't think you can put this back together, because it wasn't all about the sex. You two got far too ahead of yourselves in planning a future when you had spent no time together offline. For her, the fantasy just didn't match the reality.

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Your description of the sex sounds awful. Especially if you are, as you claim larger then average, your forceful approach was a terrible way to go. I really don't understand your statement that you took a Viagra "to be safe". Why does a 26 year old need that in the 1st place? That drug offers no STD protection or prevent pregnancy. I heard no mention of any responsible methods to prevent either of those things. Instead you were all intense & you freaking HURT her. You made her bleed. Your whole description comes across as so self centered. You just wanted to have as much sex as possible without any regard to her.

 

Even before the sex when things got awkward, you buried your head in the sand & ignored the signs of trouble in favor of your gratification. Afterwards the next day instead of talking, you fled, leaving her wondering if you just used her for sex.

 

Just leave her be. You have already done enough damage.

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Throwaway101

Exapt, she was acting odd by telling me weird things about her past relationships and some weird spiritual therapy she went through months ago... I don’t know if it had anything to do with me. Plus we only had one day, less than 24 hours together and we didn’t really have time to do what we wanted because of a mishap at the airport.

 

And Donnivain I communicated to her I wanted a long term relationship but I thought with what she said the previous night that it meant doom for me. I feel awful that I hurt her. I didn’t realize it at the time. And when she said that I panicked. I should’ve spoken up and apologized and presented possible solutions but I wasn’t sure what difference that would make.

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From what you described it just seemed like it was handled all wrong.

 

When she started talking about her EXs that was your cue to keep talking not move on to sex.

 

I just don't see how you fix this.

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Throwaway101

When she was talking about her exes we weren’t at her place yet. We were at the restaurant/ driving back... I was feeling nervous about having sex and was considering not doing it but I again didn’t speak up.

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ExpatInItaly
Exapt, she was acting odd by telling me weird things about her past relationships and some weird spiritual therapy she went through months ago... I don’t know if it had anything to do with me. Plus we only had one day, less than 24 hours together and we didn’t really have time to do what we wanted because of a mishap at the airport.

 

Right, and that should have been your signal that something was off. We ladies generally don't mention exes around men we are excited about, particularly the very first time we actually meet them. The fact that she did so before you even got to her house should have been a red flag for you.

 

I stand by my assumption that you two got carried away in planning a romance before you even had the groundwork built up to see if you got along well enough and had good chemistry in person. Taking an online romance offline sometimes falls completely flat when one person realizes it's just not what they had imagined it to be.

 

I do agree that the sex was not good for her. It sounds painful and a turn-off, sorry to say. But I don't think that was the only problem here. Not by a long shot.

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When she was talking about her exes we weren’t at her place yet. We were at the restaurant/ driving back... I was feeling nervous about having sex and was considering not doing it but I again didn’t speak up.

 

You made it clear that the conversation happened at dinner. That was your cue to slow things down before you headed into the bedroom. Your failure to speak up is what caused many of these problems.

 

Hopefully from this experience you have learned that it's better to talk when things don't feel right.

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I doubt very much she orgasmed at all. What you felt was probably flinching from the pain.

 

Look there is no substitute for face-to-face dating. everything can seem wonderful and writing and on the phone or whatever but until you are a face-to-face with a person you still don't know them, you still don't know if you have chemistry with them. How someone comes across in person their mannerisms how they walk all of that is more important than all the communication you can do in writing before meeting someone.

 

Upon meeting you she just realized you were not who she hoped you were, and then the sex was apparently brutal.

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Throwaway101

preraph: she did, there was a big wet spot but unfortunately there was blood mixed in with it... Shaking after she said she never had anything that big inside her.

 

expat: I vaguely remember her saying she wanted to talk about exes so our history was all out on the table. But... I don’t know.

 

donnivain: I understand I just wish I could’ve learned in a less brutal way. I was worried I would’ve upset her since we wouldn’t have had another chance to do it until 3 weeks from then.

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donnivain: I understand I just wish I could’ve learned in a less brutal way. I was worried I would’ve upset her since we wouldn’t have had another chance to do it until 3 weeks from then.

 

It was quite clear that you were prioritizing sex & your pleasure over every other aspect of this.

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Throwaway101

I really wasn’t. Honest. I just I didn’t want her to be mad...

 

Another thing I don’t get was why if she wasn’t as interested as people are saying was she stalling to take me back... Was she waiting for me to say something or make a move? Looking back I should have... All things again I keep thinking of way too late.

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I doubt she was wanting you to say something or make a move. Sounds to me like she realised it was an epic mistake and just wanted to be gone.

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ExpatInItaly
I doubt she was wanting you to say something or make a move. Sounds to me like she realised it was an epic mistake and just wanted to be gone.

 

This.

 

The whole visit just sounds like a train-wreck, OP. Sometimes it's best to know when the situation cannot be revived, and walk away to preserve a little dignity.

 

I also highly doubt she had two orgasms if she was in that much pain and actually bleeding. She either lied about it or you misunderstood her physical reactions to you.

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