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Feel like I've been dragged behind a car


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Alithebrave

I hope one day I find this story comical but right now I feel pain in my heart, anxiety in my stomach and even though I have always been slim I have not been able to eat, well I managed a Banana today.

 

 

I found what I thought was my cosmic love of my life he was in Australia on a working holiday.

 

 

We applied for him to move to Australia on a defacto partner visa but he had to leave to the UK to apply.

 

 

I went and joined him in Europe for 6 months where I worked cleaning toilets as it was the only job I could get near him and I didn't know it at the time but the chemicals were making me really sick and I ended up in hospital with lung damage. He was having the time of his life as a raft guide, going out til 4am and sometimes not even coming home.

 

 

Then we went and worked in malaysia and then on to Nepal hoping the visa would come through. Whilst in nepal a girl we shared a room with and we were out with the night before fell out her kayak and drowned. I got really depressed and was drinking too much and I said to ben I needed to go home to my family.

 

 

I got home, got healthy started studying and working to find Ben and I both jobs.

 

 

 

There were so many forms to fill out for this visa and I had to try and get chinese police checks for ben from when he worked in china, I emailed his old bosses, got chinese friends to help, paid 400 for a letter saying that ben was not legible for a police check under the visa he was under. Then he had to fill in a form 80 which I did mostly for him because he found it stressful.

 

 

 

Then he said just let me know when the last form has been uploaded. So i did. He said he just thought we should go on a break.

 

 

I said should we cancel the visa and he was like no you are still the most important person in my life and i love you.

 

 

A few weeks later I called him and he said he just wants to be friends and single until the visa comes through and he is going back to work as a raft guide in norway. This was hard for me to accept but I did.

 

 

Meanwhile I kept working at the visa. He would send me messages like, 'all i want to do is hold you and I could see us growing old together'.

 

 

Then I got good news about the visa, that it should come through soon. I messaged him and he responded.

 

 

I actually got offered a job in canada for a year so I am going there. I also don't believe in long distance relationships, so he wouldn't be able to do the australian visa. Shocked and confused I asked if he wanted me to go to canada, he said 'i'll always be happy to see my best friend'.

 

 

Finally I just said cancel the visa, and he said ok. I said I could not be friends with him even though I have been friends with all my other exes as he has just caused me such sheer pain and confusion for months. He said don't block me, if you don't want me to message you I won't, but before you do, know there is a place for you in canada if you want to come and be with me.

 

 

I have already left my family and friends twice to spend time with ben overseas, this was his turn.

 

 

For the sake of my own heart which had just been put through the ringer I have blocked him. I don't want to see his face, I want to try forget about him. I know this reaction is a shock to him being what I was willing to put up with before i.e can i be single until visa comes through.

 

 

And I will miss him terribly, everything reminds me of him, but my whole last few months has been about ben. Attending MP meetings for the visa, accepting his terms trying to rationalise it was stress.

 

 

Do you think I am right to block him. Apart from a labotomy can anyone suggest any way to get over this. I'm starting anti depressents a low dose I need something to start eating again and I would like to laugh again too.

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Yes you are right to block him.

 

You will get over this in time. If you haven't already download all the pictures of him & the two of you onto a thumb drive so they aren't popping up at you. Put it & all the other mementos in a box & tape it shut. Then store it in a deep closet somewhere. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Rearrange your living space. Change up some aspect of your life. Surround yourself with positive, supportive family & friends. Know it's OK to grieve. Do take care of yourself; you have to eat.

 

 

My heart breaks for you in part because you missed a very big clue that this wasn't going to work out: you were doing all the work. He was letting you because it was easy for him. He just had to sit there. In your next relationship make sure the other person is as working as hard as you are to make the relationship successful.

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The Outlaw

The whole thing was just so one sided, you were absolutely right to block him. It takes two to make any relationship work, you were more than willing to do so, he wasn't. As much as it hurts, he just wasn't worth it in the end. But there are better people out there who are worthy of a relationship with you. Don't let it get you down and take care of yourself. I didn't believe it at first a few years ago, but time heals all wounds. You may not forget about it, but it will get better.

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GeorgiaPeach1

Your situation is a little like one I experienced over a decade ago. The guy was military and only when it came time for him to be stationed elsewhere did I discover he wasn't serious about us and that I'd been doing most of the "work" to keep the relationship together. I was utterly in love with him and therefore completely devastated. I also had to go on a low dose antidepressant for a few months to get past the worst of it. I had a hard time even getting out of bed, but the medication started helping and since he was so far away now, I was able to piece my life back together quicker than I expected.

 

I say all of that to assure you that you WILL be okay! Go ahead and cry, journal, speak to a therapist, join an online support group, post here in this forum, etc...whatever it takes to get it out of your system. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will look back and be GLAD this man who wasn't right for you set you free.

Edited by GeorgiaPeach1
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ExpatInItaly

Yes, you were right to block him.

 

This was a very one-sided relationship, OP, with you doing nearly all the work to move things forward. I am not sure how you determined that this guy could be your cosmic life partner, but he most certainly is not and never really was. Perhaps it was a deep state of denial on your part; there were significant clues for quite a while that this wasn't going to have a happy ending.

 

It's time to put him in your past. Take time on your own, building your self-esteem back up. You need to get to a point where you're confident enough to walk away the next time a man gives you this many signals that he's just not that into you. Save your love and kindness for a someone who reciprocates and shares your feelings.

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