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My ex is getting married


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Hello. I don't really want to go into the details of my breakup, but it was initially mutual but sad, some things happened and I regretted it but he had already started to move on (it seems he now has someone new) and we have been trying to stay 'friends' (although catch-ups usually result in me crying and pleading). We are both successfully friends with other exes. His behaviour is hot and cold - he gets in touch but is inconsistent and knows that his "new" way of messaging (ie dropping off midway through conversations, or not replying at all) makes me anxious but he does it anyway. I can't stop thinking about him being happy with this new woman. I know the only way is to stop contact but we have had conversations about how much we love and value each other and want to stay in each other's lives. I'm terrified of cutting contact (our catch ups are really fun, apart from the tears always at the end, and he is supportive of me in many ways). But I cannot cope with him moving on when I still want to be with him.

 

I have written letters and screwed them up, contemplated just ignoring him (I can't do it, and I do think it's rude since we have tried to be mature) and cried and cried and cried. I genuinely think if we'd worked on our communication we would have been good - the new person seems quite similar to me. He just moved on so quickly. This, by the way, is his second serious-ish love interest in the last few months, but this one seems more serious. He doesn't tell me much, but enough. He has suggested we should have a break from each other but we both keep caving in.

 

I'm torturing myself and I want the pain to stop, but I'm really scared of my life without him, and I'm definitely scared that NC just gives him space to launch more fully into his new relationship and he won't even be that bothered that I'm not around. I wish I could stop feeling the pain and just be friends - I have really tried but every time he neglects to respond to a message I get super upset and anxious. I told him he's being manipulative but he said he's just being friends - he's not my lover anymore. Which of course is like a knife. His life is going really well, and mine is stalling.

 

I know what I have to do, I just need support in getting through it. My poor heart is destroyed. I really thought we would be old together. I don't really know how I'm going to do it, but I can't keep crying. The few other friends I have won't let me talk about him anymore, and I have no family for support.

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You need the separation & you know it. Stop initiating. Maybe at the Holidays you can send a card but for now concentrate on your own healing & building a new life without him.

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It's easier for him to move on because he hasn't had to deal with losing you, he knows he still has you, so he can devote his time to the new person.

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Ok, so, here’s the thing. I’ve spent hours reading through all these threads and there are people on here who MONTHS after initiating no contact are still clearly in a lot of pain. If I’m going to be in pain regardless I might as well still get to hang out with my best friend (he truly is) and hope that it gets easier in the long run. If no contact is so good for healing why are there so many people on here not actually moving on? I’m just terrified it’s the wrong decision and will mean I will lose him forever.

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Ok, so, here’s the thing. I’ve spent hours reading through all these threads and there are people on here who MONTHS after initiating no contact are still clearly in a lot of pain. If I’m going to be in pain regardless I might as well still get to hang out with my best friend (he truly is) and hope that it gets easier in the long run. If no contact is so good for healing why are there so many people on here not actually moving on? I’m just terrified it’s the wrong decision and will mean I will lose him forever.

 

That really just sounds like an excuse to not have to do the hard work (no contact)

 

People who really 100% want to move on do. It doesn’t sound like you really want that. So yea, I suppose in 3-4 months you’ll still be in pain simply because you don’t want to let go. My guess is until you’re ready to let go you will still be pining for this guy 5 years from now. I’m not here to judge. This is your life we are talking about. I suspect even if you did attempt no contact that it wouldn’t stick. It’s easy for me to say “just let it go and move on” but my emotions aren’t a driving force here. Yours are. Best of luck to you. It appears you’ll either be in constant pain from still being in contact or pain from being no contact.

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No of course I don’t want to move on. I want him back. We broke up for stupid reasons. But he’s met someone new (who knows if it will last) and I cannot stand it. I just wish I was better able to regulate my emotions so it didn’t have so much impact on me, so I could hang out in the way he wants (as friends). He tells me that me being upset makes him depressed, but tbh it seems that’s less so since he met this other girl. Things have definitely changed. I’m just trying to figure out how to stop hurting so much. I’m so sad that him meeting someone new means he will not have to miss me. I wish I could just turn things back 6 months and fix it all. The pain is unbearable.

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mark clemson

Good advice above. I made a very similar post in another thread but think it might apply for you as well:

 

You might be experiencing limerence which can continue for some time. Suggest you research that term (Wikipedia should be fine).

 

If it's limerence, my belief is the more completely he's out of your life, with NO chance of returning, the more quickly it will fade, but it could still be up to about a year (sometimes even longer). It's not something one can shut off unfortunately.

 

If you can get to the point when you're ready for true NC, then believe FULL NC will get the distress to end the most rapidly. Once you're at that point, suggest you don't meet, look at pictures to reminisce, or check his social media as I believe it will keep it re-triggering. Really anything that strongly reminds you of this guy. Making a list of negatives to read and re-read may also help.

 

In my view it's like an addiction in many ways, but it DOES fade eventually as your brain adjusts. It just often takes a quite a lot longer than one would like + the more you see of him the more it tends to stretch it out.

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How long were you guys together and how long have you been broken up?

 

I can feel your pain from your post. I do know it’s not easy. If you don’t believe anything else I say please believe that. He wants to remain friends. Usually when people say this it’s so they can come back if their new relationship fails. Did he dump you over this stupid “thing?” If so, he may have just been using it as an excuse to get out. He may have already had her on the side before ending it with you. These are all possibilities. I wish there were easy words to say or easy things to do to help your pain, but as the old saying goes, to get over it you have to go through it. I really think you’re holding on to a man who only sees you as a plan b. If he wanted you, he would be with you. In all of this, that statement really is quite simple. Don’t hold on to a man who doesn’t want you! I’m not trying to be harsh, really I’m not. But I hope a day comes (and soon) that you think “my gosh! Why did I ever hang on so long!”

 

All that aside, I’m sorry you’re hurting.

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I'll add my two cents, as I'm almost 5 months NC. Does it still hurt? YES. Does it hurt less? YES. The reason you are crying so much is because your love for this man is keeping you stuck. You will not move forward while this "friends" thing is there. Meanwhile, he will. And that will make you feel 1000% worse every time you talk to him and he's happy while you're still miserable. Yes to what someone else said above: he knows you're pining for him so it's a bit easier. I'm sure he doesn't like hurting you, but he gets to have a new woman and to know that you would take him back in a second. Who wouldn't want that? The ego stroke alone must be massive.

 

Can you be friends with an ex? Absolutely. I know lots of people that are. Usually though, that comes after some time apart when both have been able to move on. I don't get jealous of my friend's girlfriends because I don't care --- because we are only friends. That's the difference here. You're still describing him as "the one I wanted to spend my life with". In no way are you ready to be just his friend.

 

Yes, you can keep talking to him, but I will predict that in a few months you will be even more miserable and if he gets serious with this new person, he might even be the one to stop talking to you. Most women don't love their boyfriends to be in frequent contact with their recent exes. That will be so hurtful to you if he cuts it off first.

 

I would suggest texting him (or emailing or whatever) and saying that although you care about him, it is too hurtful for you to be in contact with him right now. Ask that he stop contacting you and make a serious effort to not contact him. It will be awful at first, but it will get better.

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bluesunflower

Firstly, let me just say that my heart goes out to you. I felt a lurch when I read your last line, as I completely relate to you. I have been in a similar situation for a bit too - all my friends are sick of hearing it (rightly so) and I don't have family to lean on - which is why, I suppose, we are both here! I'm like you - I begged for contact and would end most conversations in tears while he was completely content and did not understand the pain I was feeling. But here is something I can promise you from past long term relationships I've had (and even when I've went on breaks in this relationship) NC really really does get easier. What you are explaining when you say what is the point because people are still hurt in NC makes sense, definitely. However, it speeds the process along. The process can take anywhere from weeks to years but it WILL be swifter if you go NC. I have been on breaks with guys where we go weeks and weeks without talking (I just got out of one, for it to become a full breakup today), and the first three or four days feel unbearable. I'd hide my phone, if I had my phone I'd check obsessively, and I felt like I was a drug addict who was having withdrawals - so I know how it feels. However, whenever a week passed, two weeks, three...it just began to get easier. You learn how to live without the other person, you wake up and realize - hey it's been a month without this person and I may still be hurt and in a lot of emotional pain but I'm still going to work, I still have friends, I am still walking and talking and existing without them. The reason people stress NC so strictly is because it keeps you from opening up a wound - here's the important message: NC or no NC, it will hurt the same. But one will have a quicker healing time, and that is NC. Take it from me - the girl who always breaks NC and always regrets it and has to learn again and again that NC does work. Once I actually stick to it, I always am glad that I did and wish that I did it in the first place. NC is a way to make yourself feel like you again without being codependent on your ex. I'm on day one of NC - as I mentioned I went through the official break up of the break today - and I encourage you to try it with me. :)

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Thanks for your replies.

 

We initially broke up(reasonably mutual, both sad but sure we needed to at least have some time trying out not being together after a bad patch) six months ago (after a year together) but were sleeping together until four months ago, when we had six weeks apart (separate holidays) but were still in almost daily contact.

 

I reassessed and decided I wanted to give things another go - but he came back more certain that he just wanted friendship. It didn't hurt that he met someone else, which he tried out for a month before breaking up with her. He told me he partly blamed me for this because my constant tears and pain made him depressed. He has said maybe we should have a break, but that he will always want me in his life - but we haven't successfully stayed away from each other. We are both successfully friends with other exes (we're both in our 40s).

 

However he met another woman one week after breaking up with the last one, and this definitely seems more serious. He rang me the day after their second date and told me that he understands how much it hurts and that he values me and wants me in his life - I did say "how will she feel if you are still close to me" and he said he had told her about me and she was fine, and that he wouldn't be with anyone who couldn't handle him being friends with an ex. He is quite good at separating things out and I never had a problem with him talking to exes, he's very trustworthy. He is firm in that he wants to be friends and he now handles my tears better (well, he did when I last saw him a week ago) and he just says he wants me to get through this and be happy. We organised one night a week to catch up (we've been doing this for about 6 weeks now) and when we do see each other we have fun, until I start asking about his new relationship and get into an emotional spiral. At this point he usually listens for a while, says "can we please just try to be friends?" and then exits as it gets more heated.

 

He's not a bad person. I'm not a bad person. We both have our baggage but honestly I don't think any of it was un-fixable, which is the hardest part. I asked him to go to counselling, but he said he had moved on. He paid for ME to go to counselling. His new woman seems similar to me, from what I can tell, but she is a psych so I'm sure she will be more successful at helping him work through his issues as their relationship progresses. I cannot stand the thought that he might be with her forever, and our love, which was just the best relationship I'd had for many years, will be forgotten. Part of me does want to hang around to test the boundaries of her tolerance of our relationship, which I know is bad of me but I'm only human. I am scared though that he will choose her if push comes to shove, much as he says he can't handle jealousy from his partner. And I keep thinking I am getting better, but then he texts me, as he did last night (he's away interstate right now) and just drops off half way through - no "alright, I'm off to bed, goodnight" or anything - an I fall into a pit again. How effing hard is it to say goodnight. The worst part is he knows this is exactly what makes me anxious (I made it very explicit - our deal was I try not to cry anymore but he needs to respond to messages/calls like a normal person and not be manipulative - he denies he is, just says he's busy, but said he would make an effort - literally last week and already he's failing). Anyway. I have good days but the lows are awful. I love him and he says he loves me (although "values" seems to be his word now and he said he fully intends to still be in my life when we are old, and I do believe him. But I can't stand him moving on. I can't have just the friend bit without the physical bit, especially knowing he is in that fantastic loved up desperate desire for each other stage with someone else. I can only assume he disappeared last night because he was talking to her, whether that's right or wrong. Anyway. That's it, whole story.

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Additionally - I don't have a lot of friends who enjoy doing the things I do. I am childless by choice but as I've gotten older most people I know have had families, so our relationships have become more "occasional catch up" than deep friendships. And the friends I have who are childless tend to be old exes and we're now just drinking buddies (one I'm particularly cloise to, and he's been good, but he's sick of hearing about it).

 

So my ex is the person who still wants to do activities with me. He says that will continue despite his relationship, and I've told him I don't believe that, but so far he's stuck to the weekly catch up. He just says we obviously can't go camping or anything, but we can do other things. So I feel like if I cut him off I am shooting myself in the foot because I have no one to do these things with. If I can just manage myself and my emotions then I will keep him and not be so lonely.

 

I have been on a few dates, and slept with one person, hoping it would help me move on - it was fine but it just made me sad really, because I wanted it to be my ex. I don't want to have to get back out there.

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OP, my heart breaks for you. I have been you more than once and I know how much it hurts.

 

One of my older exes and I had a very tumultuous relationship that was marred by a lot of toxicity and his addictions. After many years of back and forth, he went to rehab and really started working on himself. He was like a different person. I was so hopeful it might work out and we were communicating better than we ever did. I stuck by his side through rehab and recovery, but after a while it got difficult and he said he couldn't be in a relationship so early in his recovery. So we would be friends. But we talked all the time and it would often times end up with me in tears.

 

After about 6 months, he started dating someone else. I was devastated. Destroyed. I couldn't sleep. How could he do that to me after I had been by his side. To his credit, he was very patient with me. We talked many times and I am ashamed to say I would call when I knew he was on dates. I wanted them not to work out. But then they started getting serious and went on a trip together. I did not know I could hurt that bad. It was a terrible time in my life, because I wanted to keep myself in his life so he would eventually pick me. I could not let go. That was one of the worst years of my life. And I am ashamed to say that it went on that way for another 2 years. Until one day I had enough and realized I was devaluing myself and I cut off all contact. It took me probably a year to get really, really better and I didn't date at all in that year. It's been 8 years since then and today I don't really think of him anymore.

 

I just wanted you to know how much I understand your words. I have had the exact same thoughts that you wrote about. I have been there and I got better. I'm going through a different breakup now and I can attest that NC never gets any easier but I know I can't keep torturing myself by opening those wounds again and again.

 

And also, from another perspective, he can't miss you if you're always there. I know it feels like he will forget about you -- you can find that exact same thought on almost every thread on here, it's an extremely common worry. But he won't forget you. I just got a Facebook friend request from a guy I had a crush on in high school 20 years ago!!! And that's some random dude. This guy loves you on some level, even if it's not one you want. He won't forget you.

 

Hugs to you.

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Million.to.1

You have to start N/C. I feel your pain so much OP, but this "being friends" thing is just torturing yourself.

 

write him an email. Tell him you need to have no contact with him indefinitely and force yourself to stick with it for at least 1 year or till you are happy with someone else or don't care if he marries the woman he is with now. You cannot be friends with him while you are still in love with him, and you will stay in love with him while you continue to have contact and see him.

 

You have got to do this for yourself. He doesn't want to be with you and space is the only thing that is going to make you accept it and be able to open your heart and life to new opportunities for friendship and love with new people.

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ExpatInItaly

Eventually, you will need to find a new best friend, OP.

 

I know you're hurting horribly. But the current arrangement of meeting up once a week just isn't realistic long-term, for either of you. Sooner or later, as his relationship gets more serious, he will stop prioritizing your feelings and start spending more time with her. No woman is going to be fine with her boyfriend meeting up with his pining ex regularly like that, nor should she be. It's fine right now while they're not super-serious yet, but you have to face the reality that it isn't going to continue.

 

You will also never move on if you keep living in denial with these meet-ups. He sees you as a friend, and you're there clinging on for dear life. It won't keep him from moving on. You can see, he's already started doing so. You, however, will keep yourself engulfed in pain. He doesn't attach the same emotional significance to these "friendly" catch-ups that you do. For him, it's a hang-out that he probably feels somewhat obligated to adhere to for the moment. For you, it's your temporary soothing that he's still around.

 

But OP - it won't last forever. And it will hurt you that much more when the day comes that he says no, he's too busy, or he doesn't feel right seeing you anymore when he's committed to another woman.

 

It's scary, but this is part of breaking up. It hurts. All you're doing here is prolonging your own pain and fighting a one-sided battle. He's already left the ring.

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Thank you. Nola nola your story really helps. Not that I like it but I can see the similarities, for sure. I know what I have to do :( My heart is breaking so hard. Thanks for all your kind words.

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I did it. He flies back today. I left a note saying goodbye and asking him not to contact me in his letter box. I I unfriended him on Facebook. His plane has landed so he’ll be home soon. I feel sick and I’m shaking. Have to go out soon and pretend to be ok.

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mark clemson

Try to spend some time with friends or other people who you feel a sense of belonging with. Distractions (e.g. good TV shows), exercise, time outside in nature. All these things may help somewhat. Ultimately you'll have to wait this out. As others have pointed out it DOES get easier over time. Just takes longer than we'd like.

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I'm struggling a little bit tonight. It's only two days, ffs. I don't want to hear from him but I also do. I kinda wish he'd tried. Which just seems crazy. I know it's best if I don't but all I can think about is that he probably is having a lovely time with his new woman and not even thinking about me, at all, whereas literally all I can think about is what he's up to right now. And how if I hadn't left that note he and I would be catching up tonight. And it would probably be really fun, but then I would hear about what he'd been up to with her last night and then I would get sad. So I know it's good from that perspective that I'm not currently (or in about one hour from now, tbh) crying my eyes out in front of him, but I am still really sad, I just don't get the fun part beforehand. And the hug that he always gives me. OOh, there's the tears.

 

I've been really feeling like I did the right thing all weekend, but I'm wavering now. I have saved the email he sent me a few weeks ago (actually the day after his first date with this new woman) saying "I don't want to be your boyfriend, I just want to be your friend. I'm not going to change my mind" as the lock screen on my phone so I can be reminded all the time. But I don't know if that's wise either. Maybe I'll just leave it for a day or two and then go back to something less heart destroying. I just need to remind myself that he doesn't want me, and that pining after someone who has said they don't want you is pathetic.

 

I went for a swim in the ocean tonight and spent a few minutes being thankful for the time that we shared each other's lives and the joy that he brought to me for a year. I thought that might help. But I'm feeling surprisingly (given how I felt a bit empowered all weekend) low right now. I know i just have to let it pass. F*ck me, this is SO HARD though. Why on earth is this happening to me? All I want is to love him and be loved back. Why on earth is that too much? Fcking world.

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You did the right thing. I know it doesn't feel like it right now. I find that there is typically a period of a "high" after you take action, which is inevitably followed by a crash when that high wears off. You are dealing with the absence of him right now, the withdrawal. It will be tough, but you will get through it. I promise.

 

I completely understand that feeling of wanting him to say something else. "Why doesn't he miss me?" "How can he just let me go?" "Don't I mean anything to him?" Keep in mind, he has not had to deal with your absence up to this point. At some point, maybe not right now, but after some time goes by, he will probably start missing things about you and your relationship too. Just because he is with someone new, he won't forget you.

 

I'm a fan of doing whatever you need to do to stay NC in the first few weeks. For me, it was helpful to imagine that I wanted him to wonder why I wasn't reaching out and what I could be doing. Every time I wanted to reach out to him, I would remind myself that he had made the choice to be with someone else and that I didn't want to make it easy for him to know that I still loved him. Childish, perhaps, but it helped me. I was also pretty angry with him.

 

So I think if you need that email on your lock screen to slap reality into your face when you look at, I say so be it. You don't have to wallow in it forever, but you do need to feel what you feel. People that try to glaze over their hurt tend to take longer to heal, in my estimation. Let yourself cry if you need to, that is totally fine. It's been 5 months for me and I still cry sometimes. One day you will realize you don't feel like crying all the time.

 

The first few weeks are the absolute hardest. It's like the acute withdrawal period. Someone told me once that it takes 28 days to form a new habit and I believe it. So it takes that long to get in the habit of NOT talking to him. You're undoing a long time of talking to him. It's going to be tough.

 

And, I TOTALLY understand about the other woman thing. I spent a few night not being able to sleep because I could not stop thinking about the two of them (my ex and his new girlfriend) and wondering what they were doing and how serious they are. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. I still go there sometimes. But not talking to him and avoiding her social media (and Facebook in general, honestly) has helped me enormously. It's kind of like he is an imaginary person to me now.

 

Hugs. I'm sorry you're hurting. Take comfort that there are so many others who understand exactly where you are.

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I agree you've got to find a new friend. But more than that, you have got to get some dignity and self-love! He is calling all the shots here while he dates another woman. He cuts you off midconversation to move on with his life, and you continue to beg him to get back together. He has left you on purpose because he no longer wants to be with you. That alone should tell you that he is not the right person for you. He knows you are not the right person for him, so he moved on and left. You need to accept that you are not what he wants. He's staying friends because you've been begging him and crying and making him feel guilty, but there will come a day he will just have to move on because most women are not going to put up with this! Most women have more dignity and demand some respect!

 

Might he get dumped and start feeling sorry for himself six months from now and come crawling into your bed for solace and to thumb his nose at the dumper? Well, sure he will, but he's not going to jump back into the relationship, only your bed and only once and then he'll apologize, knowing it was wrong of him to lead you on like that.

 

You have no future here. You should never have put all your eggs into a man basket to where you feel he's your only friend, if that is really true. You need to keep your friends when you get into a relationship and keep those friends active during the relationship so you're not dependent.

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Good advice above. I made a very similar post in another thread but think it might apply for you as well:

 

You might be experiencing limerence which can continue for some time. Suggest you research that term (Wikipedia should be fine).

 

If it's limerence, my belief is the more completely he's out of your life, with NO chance of returning, the more quickly it will fade, but it could still be up to about a year (sometimes even longer). It's not something one can shut off unfortunately.

 

If you can get to the point when you're ready for true NC, then believe FULL NC will get the distress to end the most rapidly. Once you're at that point, suggest you don't meet, look at pictures to reminisce, or check his social media as I believe it will keep it re-triggering. Really anything that strongly reminds you of this guy. Making a list of negatives to read and re-read may also help.

 

In my view it's like an addiction in many ways, but it DOES fade eventually as your brain adjusts. It just often takes a quite a lot longer than one would like + the more you see of him the more it tends to stretch it out.

 

 

As pointed out in Wiki, some, like myself, experience serial Limerence and not to be negative, serial Limerence which creates a tortured life. Interestingly, once a new "soul-mate" is found, the Limerence for the previous immediately ceases, and the subject of the Limerence is seen in the open light and you say to your self "what did I ever see in that person?" I am currently in contact with two on my past Limerences with no problem. Another, while I was still in somewhat of a Limerent state, I met is a bar and I was at first shaky. The two of use were chatting with this guy whom I clicked with. When my ex-BF asked me to go make to his place (can you imagine), I told him know because while you were in the restroom, I made plans (with the other guy) to go for coffee...

 

 

Unfortunately, I am currently going thru a breakup (see Jekyll and Hyde post) and I am terrified by the prospect of this becoming a Limerent relationship.

 

 

Still not sure if cold turkey or methadone is the way to go..

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Alrighty. So I posted at the end of March about the fact that I was going to leave my ex a note telling him I couldn't be his friend for a while, after I was struggling to cope with seeing him drained and tired after a wild night with his new gf. He (annoyingly) wrote me back, saying he understood but in time he would hunt me down and make me his friend, and that I would always have a place in his heart.

 

Turns out I massively regret doing that. I should have hung in there. I did message him a few weeks later saying I'd like to hang out again, but I was ignored. The following week I was at an event near his house, and ended up just going and knocking on the door. Long story short he agreed to call me after Easter, so two weeks later. He did and we caught up for a drink. I thought it went well and I was pleased, and told him so. He had to leave because his new gf who was "a bit unhappy about it" was waiting at home for him, but we agreed that we would catch up again soon. I had a party to go back to.

 

I messaged him after a week (a facebook article related to what we'd been talking about), got a response saying "I'll be in contact in a couple of weeks", then I never heard from him. It actually drove me a bit crazy. I had been feeling ok but after 4 weeks of not hearing from him it was literally all I could think about. I was so angry and sad. I completely understand this is not rational. I just hated being ignored after what I thought had been a nice catch up and I didn't want him to be rewarded for ignoring me by just going away. I missed him and I didn't understand. Please understand that I have accepted he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, but I am good friends with a few exes and I thought we'd reached that turning point where it might start to be ok. I know I should accept that he didn't want to talk but I couldn't understand how that had changed after a really nice couple of hours together. I miss him.

 

Anyway. I tried to call once but he didn't answer, so I went round to his house again. I do understand I shouldn't do that but I wanted a resolution and it was the only way I could get him to talk to me. We talked for an hourish, he told me he was moving in with his new gf (who he's known less than 3 months, but ok), I told him that I just want to talk about my relationship with him and how we can hang out occasionally, not his relationship with her, and he said he wanted to but also needed to take her feelings into account. I didn't disagree but reminded him that he promised only a few weeks ago that no woman would dictate to him who he could be friends with. I said if she wanted to meet me I would do that.

 

So we hugged, a lot, and he promised me he would call me next Wednesday. I went home, 20 minutes later my phone rang, and he told me he'd spoken to his gf who was livid. He told me they're not just moving in together they're getting married and they'd been shopping for wedding rings that morning. She threatened to call the whole thing off if he didn't cut me off right away. He told me we will never be friends ever again, "I'm not going to **** this up because of you", hung up, then proceeded to block me from every form of communication.

 

I was just totally numb. I still am a bit. I know this is it and I need to move on. I know I have behaved badly in trying to force contact, but he had been so adamant about us being friends and I was really upset that he changed on that but didn't have the balls to tell me. I know I didn't respect his (implied) boundary. I honestly still don't believe he REALLY wanted to get rid of me, I see this completely as her doing. He had accepted my facebook friend request before the first time I popped to his house. We had good banter the day I saw him.

 

I posted his final belongings back to him with a note saying "I know this isn't you. I love you and forgive you and if you ever need anything I will be here".

 

But then, I phoned someone I know who I thought might know the new gf. I just asked her if she could tell me what she's like. I just couldn't believe that this incredibly smart, successful, sensitive man who told me I'd broken his heart a few months earlier was rushing into marriage with someone he'd known 11 weeks. And putting up with ultimatums like that. The person I know said the new gf is incredibly charming, very beautiful and the most evil manipulative narcissist she's ever met. She said she had seen her destroy people (not in a romantic context, she didn't know much about her in that way) without compunction. And from what I read rushing into marriage fits the narcissist bill perfectly.

 

My ex is so trusting, by his own admission, and has been ripped off in the past to the tune of $25000. He's a good man and I honestly couldn't give a fk if she breaks his heart, but marriage involves financial ties and he's so close to paying off his mortgage and he's just landed a fantastic career defining job, but he will need to perform well for it to continue. I know if i tried to say anything at all he would a) not listen b)get angry with me and c) if it encouraged him in any way to slow down and think things through and then this relationship fell apart he would blame me. So I know I can't do anything,but I'm really worried for him now. I know exactly what you're all going to say haha. That I just need to back the fk off and move on. It's not my business. But I can't bear the thought that in a few years his life might be ruined by this. Even if he has been an a** to me. I would rather he hated me forever. I think. I realise that there's every chance they might live happily ever after, but the person I spoke to is an acquaintance of mine who had no need to lie about anything..

 

Alright, be brutal...

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What your X does or doesn't do is none of your business.

 

Anytime you chase (which is what you're doing) always pushes them farther away.

 

Your X is right he has a new gf (engaged even) you have to go.

 

Being a KISA (Knight in shining armor) isn't going to get you a thing here. He's a big boy. Stay out of it.

 

The main problem you have right now is yourself. You are the only one keeping yourself wrapped up in this. No one else has that power.

 

What are you getting out of it? Nothing

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ExpatInItaly

Be brutal? Well, here goes:

 

Mind your own dang business, girl. Who he dates or marries is not your concern and you need to stop poking your nose where it doesn’t belong. You’re not his mommy or his security guard - if he wants to ruin himself by marrying her, it’s not your problem.

 

You most certainly have not accepted that it’s over. Not yet. You’ll get there but you need to stop behaving like the Stage-5 Clinger Ex first. You throw this new girlfriend under the bus, but your own behaviour is not exactly mature or kind either. You’re making yourself look desperate.

 

He isn’t coming back and you need to cease all contact with him. When you’re healed, you can find a man of your own. Until then, you need to drop the Crazy Ex Who Can’t Let Go bit. It’s not healthy for you and won’t bring him back.

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