Are things hopeless, and should I go visit my LDR ex girlfriend?

[lw3]

Hey everyone!

 

I do not know how to properly start this, and I apologize for the loooong text.

 

A little backstory:

 

So, my ex girlfriend of 2 and a half year broke up with me around three weeks ago from writing this. We found each other during our exchange. We clicked instantly, and was constantly together. We have always been really close together and been each other's best friend from the day we met. When the exchange ended, we chose to continue the relationship as a long-distance. Everything has worked our well even though we have a total of 13,000 km between each other. In the beginning after the exchange, she had a hard time, she had no job, she finished her school, felt alone and had lots of self-hatred (because of her weight gain during exchange). During this period, she was really needy and wanted to write and Skype constantly. This was fine with me. I had the time. A year after our exchange, she finally got a job. However, it completely changed our communication habit to the worse. We have between 3-5 hours time difference, and she usually works between 10 in the mornings till 22 at night. She felt pressured from her job too, so she almost didn't write any messages or initiated contact. Because of the lack of communication, I started to become very needy, childish and... particular annoying to her. I would not stop texting her even though I knew she was busy. At the same time, many negative things happened in my 'life' which made it even more difficult to await her answer. Again.. this affected our relationship significantly. I became too needy and lacked confidence and independence. We still talked about everything between heaven and earth, gave each other sweet messages and was always there for each other. Of course, we had our disagreement, but it was never a violent argument, and we never broke up before. And we did manage to visit each other every 5 month averagely (around 3-4 weeks per visit).

 

We both knew that some day our relationship has to end. At that point, most of the pressure was on her shoulders because I couldn't see myself living in her country (mostly due to lack of security, non-English, and bad work environments). She knew this. Therefore, she has been working towards taking her masters in Europe somewhere (to get closer to me) or find work in Europe.

 

She visited me in February this year, and everything seemed fine. We visited my family, friends and we had lots of fun. However, during the last day before she would travel home, she confronted me and told me she would like to have an open-relationship instead of a closed-relationship. I was a bit confused, but it was something we discussed last time I visited her. Her reasoning was that she was uncertain whether she actually wanted to move to Europe, and do all of these things, and the only way she could really figure this out was if she got more space (i.e. I do not constantly spam her with messages). I agreed. But it felt a bit weird, since I felt like we rekindled the spark between us. But I also knew that it was the right choice since she have had a difficult time with the decision. To this end, I started thinking about giving it a chance to go live with her. I will be finished with my masters next summer, and I would not have anything to lose (never got the chance to tell her this).

 

She left late February, and went back to her home country. At first, things felt like they were fine. In the end of March (a month after she left - less than two months ago from today), we agreed when the next visit should take place. She also asked if I could ask my work about more vacation days, so we can stay together for a longer period. I agreed, and got the acceptance. She seemed very eager for the trip. It was a ticket that costed me around 1200 USD, and lasts 23 days. An important thing to mention, is that we split the ticket half/half. I pay for the ticket and she provides half of the money through food and stuff. A couple of weeks into the month of April, she started to act a bit strange (but in a good way). She began to write how much she was looking forward to Europe, to her master's degree or to find a job. She did not feel her employer gave her enough recognition, and the work she put into it was wasted. But out of the blue she got a bonus from her employer, as the whole company did well (so everyone got a bonus). This apparently really confused her, and changed her mind completely, and suddenly she got cold feet. She was really confused.

 

In the meantime, I have had lots to deal with in regards to my personal life, and I started to act really childish towards her. I started having doubts about the open-relationship, and I confronted her a few times, and started making ultimatums. It was difficult, and I definitely think that it affected her decision too.

 

Fast forward to the breakup:

 

So, she initiated a talk around the 26th of April (a day after my birthday), about how she felt that she saw a future with me, but the current present seemed a bit too vague, she was confused, and needed space. It hurt me... a lot. But I knew what she meant, because... well... the open-relationship was mainly triggered by the lack of space. We agreed on Skyping the day after. During this Skype call, she told me that she felt like we needed to breakup, she needed space, she felt like my unhappiness was because of her, and we are too different. But we agreed on giving it three more days where we think things through. During this period, I decided to soul-search, and I started acknowledging my wrong-doings. I knew how I became unhappy with myself, I did not allow myself to find joy in anything. And since I have had lots of self-hatred of my body, I always acted like I disliked what she wanted because I complained. However, I loved what she loves, like climbing in mountains and go to beach. But I never showed her this. I started writing everything down, and was ready to tell her about my emotions, and how her ‘wanting-to-break-up’ finally made me realize how I have behaved, and how I can improve to become a better version of myself. Both for myself, and for her, and our relationship. Unfortunately... I never got the chance to say any of this. Nothing. She decided that the best thing would be to breakup. I didn't understand it, none of her reasons made sense, and I even have the ticket to go visit her. So, why not wait, and then we can talk things through.

 

She did not know how to answer this. I asked her if I could still come visit, as a friend. And she seemed a bit hesitant, but told me that "if you want, you can come." We obviously just broke up, so it's a bit difficult. I do not believe that this is a 'real' acceptance, as it happened in the moment of the breakup. But a couple of hours after, I made a voice-message about me still going to her. But again, no real "yeah, I think it would be a good idea."

 

After the breakup, we talked about things in general, life, and not about the relationship. I still loved her more than anything, but I did not want to act too needy - especially since her main reasoning for the breakup was because she wanted space. At some point though, I asked her if she wanted to Skype with me (although I knew it was a bit too soon). She agreed, but felt a bit uncomfortable. The day after, I asked her again, and she agreed that we could Skype and talk in the upcoming weekend. Two days later I asked her again more specifically what period of the day (Friday, Saturday or Sunday), would fit her the best. She wrote back that she was unsure, and if we could take it as it comes? I asked her if she could just let me know approximately what day, and whether it is morning or night (because of our five hours difference, and I am working on my exams with a group). She suddenly felt hostile, and told me that she wanted to talk, but felt like I was pressuring her. I apologized as it was not my intention, I just wanted to talk and plan my weekend. She never answered me back.

 

I did not hear from her all weekend, so I started asking her if we're still on for Skyping, and she said that she did not know as it was too soon, and asked if I was okay with the breakup. I told her that "well.. it is really difficult. But I am fine with it." She responded with "Okay... idk... maybe tomorrow." I ended up responding back that I would really appreciate it if she would let me know. Let me know if she wants to Skype and when, and if she does not want to Skype. So, I did not hear from her all Sunday until after midnight my time where she told me it was too soon, and she did not want to Skype because she dislikes it (which is true. She always told me how she hates texting in general, and Skyping). I understood it, but felt a bit hurt as she never gave me any signs of it not happening. So, I essentially waited for her all day. I apologized, and she responded with “noooo.. noo need to say sorry.” Since then, we have not talked to each other (been 10 days or so). However, she had her birthday this Friday, and I of course wished her happy birthday with some other kind words, and she responded with “heyyyy.. thank youuuu :*” I have not yet responded to this.

 

There is obviously missing some details here and there, but this is the essential. But at the moment, I am feeling really miserable. I really want to text her, and feel her presence. I really want to tell her what I feel, that I acknowledge my mistakes, and I will be working on myself, and that I want to go to visit her. But I keep telling myself that “you should give her space – this was the reason she broke up.”

 

So, am I doing it correctly by leaving her for a bit, and is it a good idea for me to go visit her? I am really confused, and I definitely feel like I am still hurting. I really want to regain our lost relationship (either a couple or as friends), or at least get closure for what happened. I currently plan on texting her again on Monday, slowly build up conversations, and then ask about another Skype session (hopefully this would not be too soon for her) where I will asked about the vacation. The vacation is in a 5 weeks from today.

 

Feel free to ask questions, and I would love to hear your take on it.

[lifeofapirate]

Hi IW3,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I'm wondering if you suspect that another guy is in the picture. There were some red flags about that in terms of her asking for an open relationship (that often means that they have someone in mind already) and then if she is in limerence with him, she will probably either not want the open relationship anymore or he won't and she will want to do whatever he wants because of what she feels for him.

 

The issue that concerns me the most is that you are going to try to get her into a conversation and try to pitch getting together for a trip that would clearly be romantic in nature. If she is not reaching out to you on her own, the odds of her being receptive to that are slim and so you would experience another rejection from her which will make it easier for her to reject you in the future and will make her further convinced that you're trying to get her back. Here is a video on

that will explain some of that some more.

 

The main thing is, if she asked for space, you've got to give her plenty of it until she is the one who comes out from it. When she has had enough space, she will be the one to reach out to you. You need her to notice the space and if she wants it, but you don't, it will take her longer to feel the effects of it (to miss you).

 

I really hope things work out, and I know it's difficult to stay away from someone you want to be with, but if you don't respect her wishes, you will push her away and she will likely end up getting angry with you and/or blocking you so that you can never contact her again which, with her being so far away, would be emotionally easier for her to do.

[lw3]

Hi lifeofapirate

 

Appreciate your thoughts.

 

Indeed, I have been thinking of whether she found someone else, and is definitely plausible. Unfortunately, I cannot say if this is the actual situation, but I do not think so. I haven't noticed anything remotely close to that - although the 'open-relationship' would be one. But besides of this, I haven't had any knowledge of, or noticed that she has someone else. Maybe she is good at hiding it, but I would think that she would have told me by now. Since, in reality, we are not in a relationship. And, some of her friends is also my friends from exchange, and I would like to think that they would have said something by now if this was the case. But it could be.

 

And, it is quite weird, because the trip is already planned. The ticket has been purchased. Which is also why, even though I know that I have to give her space, I need to know if she wants me to come. It is exactly five weeks from today that I would be traveling. She acknowledge the ticket back when we broke up, and give me the "if you want to come, you can come." And, at the same time, she has not paid me the 50% agreed on the ticket, or mentioned anything of the "Hey, I do not think you should come" since our breakup. So, either she hopes that I forget, and I do not arrive, or she thinks that the trip is planned, so no reason to talk about it, or ... well... I don't know.

 

And, currently I am thinking of giving her a week or so more, but I also cannot continue feeling this horrible. I love her more than anything, and I am willing to improve myself on the characteristics I know is something she will appreciate. Unfortunately, it is something I only recognized the moment she broke up with me. But again, it is something I hope that I will be able to show her when I go visit her. That I am not the same person she broke up with. Having said that, I also know that the chance of me and her becoming a couple again is low. And therefore, I would also like to have closure where I can look back and feel relived. Where I have said the things I need to say, and done the things I need and want to do, such as visiting her. If nothing comes out of it, then I know I have done everything I can for us to succeed, but she has chosen a different path. I have been writing my thoughts down, the things I would like to tell her... So, I am waiting for the correct moment. In regards to whatever happens, at least I need to let her know how I feel.

 

But, well, I am obvious afraid of her declining the visit - because... well... it will mean that she, indeed, has no intention of being with me, either as a girlfriend or as a friend. To this end, I did lose my girlfriend but also my best-friend over two and a half year, instantly. Although I know staying friends will be difficult, I hope she can give that a chance if the relationship is not happening.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but the relationship was over as soon as she asked to open it up. That was your clue that she had checked out and was considering other options.

 

You already have 13 000 km between you and only see each other every 4 or 5 months. How much more space can you really get? I don't believe that's the real reason she wanted an open relationship. She could have asked for space without opening things up. Those are two very different balls of wax.

 

Unfortunately, it is very likely she has met someone else and doesn't know how to be honest with you and tell you that. This is also likely why she isn't keen on you coming to visit. I would advise against it; do you really want to go all the way there to discover she's got a local guy? Even if imagine for a moment she is still single, she has made it clear that you two are no longer a couple. Going to visit her now is rather moot. It won't change her feelings, I'm afraid.

 

I also don't think you'll be seeing any of the money she agreed to contribute. If you can't get a refund or cancel your ticket, go, but don't make any plans to see her. I don't think you're going to like the outcome.

[lw3]

I'm sorry OP, but the relationship was over as soon as she asked to open it up. That was your clue that she had checked out and was considering other options.

 

You already have 13 000 km between you and only see each other every 4 or 5 months. How much more space can you really get? I don't believe that's the real reason she wanted an open relationship. She could have asked for space without opening things up. Those are two very different balls of wax.

 

Unfortunately, it is very likely she has met someone else and doesn't know how to be honest with you and tell you that. This is also likely why she isn't keen on you coming to visit. I would advise against it; do you really want to go all the way there to discover she's got a local guy? Even if imagine for a moment she is still single, she has made it clear that you two are no longer a couple. Going to visit her now is rather moot. It won't change her feelings, I'm afraid.

 

I also don't think you'll be seeing any of the money she agreed to contribute. If you can't get a refund or cancel your ticket, go, but don't make any plans to see her. I don't think you're going to like the outcome.

 

Hey ExpatInItaly

 

Too be honest, I do not really care whether or not I see the money. I purchased the ticket, and my budget can handle the loss. But the knowledge of her not acknowledging the ticket, and have yet to pay be back. It makes me curious about her intention of the trip. Especially since she did say "You can come, if that's what you want" and "If you do not want to come, I will send you the money" (it is not a direct quote, but I remember it as such when she broke up).

 

I do want to regain the relationship, no doubt. But at the same time, I really do feel like I deserve some sort of closure from her if there is zero chance of either a friendship or becoming a couple again. She has not ghosted me/ignored me/blocked me. And, if she has someone else, isn't it better to confront it, get the worst outcome (if this is actual the case), and then move forward? At the moment, I feel as if I am running around in the void, hoping for something that might or might not become real. I am trying to the best of my ability to let her have the space she asked for, but at the same time, I do not know how much longer I can feel this conflicted. I think I will have to confront the situation by next week, having giving her around 2-3 weeks of no communication. If she disagree, and does not allow me to go visit her (not even for a day), or even want to Skype/talk to me. Then this should tell me what I need to know. Although it will hurt, I will at least know that she is entirely sure of her decision.

 

And, I obviously know she is the one who broke it up, and I will have to accept the decision in the end. But I'd like to at least get the closure our relationship deserve (at least that's how I feel).

[ExpatInItaly]

=I do want to regain the relationship, no doubt. But at the same time, I really do feel like I deserve some sort of closure from her if there is zero chance of either a friendship or becoming a couple again. She has not ghosted me/ignored me/blocked me. And, if she has someone else, isn't it better to confront it, get the worst outcome (if this is actual the case), and then move forward?

 

You can move forward without knowng for sure if she has another guy. Breaking up with you is enough of a sign that you should move forward. Whether or not there is someone else in her life shouldn't be the deciding factor for you here.

 

Closure comes when you accept what she has already decided, which is that she no longer wants the relationship. If she felt there was a chance, she wouldn't have ended it. You won't really get more closure than you already have, OP.

 

I know you're hurting a lot, but I don't think this trip is going to provide the answers you're seeking or salvage anything. Rethink it. A lot.

[lw3]

You can move forward without knowng for sure if she has another guy. Breaking up with you is enough of a sign that you should move forward. Whether or not there is someone else in her life shouldn't be the deciding factor for you here.

 

Closure comes when you accept what she has already decided, which is that she no longer wants the relationship. If she felt there was a chance, she wouldn't have ended it. You won't really get more closure than you already have, OP.

 

I know you're hurting a lot, but I don't think this trip is going to provide the answers you're seeking or salvage anything. Rethink it. A lot.

 

Appreciate the harsh but truthful words! I will definitely rethink the situation a bit. And, indeed, I am hurting. A lot. And I constantly feel like I have not yet said what I feel like I need to say. I never got a chance to get it out. Tell her my feelings. I highly doubt that it will have any influence. But, again. It has been stuck inside of me for ages (or on the paper).

[ExpatInItaly]

Appreciate the harsh but truthful words! I will definitely rethink the situation a bit. And, indeed, I am hurting. A lot. And I constantly feel like I have not yet said what I feel like I need to say. I never got a chance to get it out. Tell her my feelings. I highly doubt that it will have any influence. But, again. It has been stuck inside of me for ages (or on the paper).

 

And what is it you need to say to her that you haven't said in all the time you were together?

 

I just have a bad feeling that you're setting yourself up for more heartache if you make this trip. It's hard enough to get the girl on Skype at this point, let alone to meet face-to-face.

 

Envision the following scenarios and ask yourself what you will do in each of them:

1) You go there and she tells you she can't meet you because her boyfriend wouldn't like it

2) She makes vague plans to see you and bails when you're already there without saying why, leaving you on your own completely

3) You meet up, have a wild night together, and then she disappears on you

4) You see her there, talk about your relationship, she apologizes and tells you it's still not what she wants

 

Really, ask yourself if it will all have been worth it should any of the above happen.

[lw3]

And what is it you need to say to her that you haven't said in all the time you were together?

 

I just have a bad feeling that you're setting yourself up for more heartache if you make this trip. It's hard enough to get the girl on Skype at this point, let alone to meet face-to-face.

 

Envision the following scenarios and ask yourself what you will do in each of them:

1) You go there and she tells you she can't meet you because her boyfriend wouldn't like it

2) She makes vague plans to see you and bails when you're already there without saying why, leaving you on your own completely

3) You meet up, have a wild night together, and then she disappears on you

4) You see her there, talk about your relationship, she apologizes and tells you it's still not what she wants

 

Really, ask yourself if it will all have been worth it should any of the above happen.

 

Indeed, I am not planning on going to visit her if she is not 100% on board. Yes, she might end up ditching me after agreeing, and am I willing to take that chance? Currently, yes. I am obviously still hurting, and feeling as if I need to talk to her face to face. But, there is still five weeks till the trip, and things might change.

 

I plan on asking her again by next week about the trip by slowly initiate contact again. If things turns south, and she is still in doubt about me going, then yes. It is probably the sign I need to accept the idea of me not going there.

 

And. You are right. Things can turn out horribly. And I really appreciate your thoughts. Definitely putting a different light onto the whole scenario.

 

Also, in regards to what I want to tell her. She is a person that I have obviously loved very dearly for two and a half year, and she knows this. And, the fact of the matter is that I somewhat agree on her decision of breaking up. Although, I would rather have 'the break' and not a complete break up.

Because (I do not know if I outlined this properly in the post as it is a bit personal) I have had some personal issues of... well.. depression, anxiety and general unhappiness with everything that surrounded me in my 'own' life for around a year. I was unsure if I wanted to study what I am studying, a very egoistic roommate that turned my everyday life into garbage, friends that turned their back on me, and family and personal issues. She was trying to ask me "are you actual happy with your life?" and this and that. And I never really understood this, as I was happy with our relationship. But... well... after she broke up with me. This... basically opened my eyes and I finally recognized how twisted/dark I made my own life. I never went out and enjoyed myself, and do things that I love to do. And, well.. I kind of want to thank her for helping me (I guess?), and apologize for how I have put my misery onto the relationship that we had. I do not intend to do this out of pity.

 

And... indeed... I am also definitely thinking about not going. I just feel that I must be sure that I have done everything I could do to either safe our relationship and/or our friendship. Then, at least I will be able to look back, and tell myself that she was definitely not the one (in either category).

[ExpatInItaly]

Also, in regards to what I want to tell her. She is a person that I have obviously loved very dearly for two and a half year, and she knows this. And, the fact of the matter is that I somewhat agree on her decision of breaking up. Although, I would rather have 'the break' and not a complete break up.

 

A sincere question - how would a "break" have been better? You two still live extremely far apart and only see each other a couple times year. It's not as though you need even more time and space apart from each other. When someone calls a break under those circumstances, it's generally because they haven't yet summoned up the courage to end it completely - but it's coming.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. But I think you have been hanging on to a dying relationship for quite a while. Could you have dealt with life better? Sure. But I don't believe that's ultimately what led to the end. I think your ex got tired and bored with the distance and wanted to open up her options locally. It's hard to maintain feelings for someone who lives so far away, who cannot go on regular dates with you, cannot be there to give you a hug after a hard day, doesn't factor into your daily landscape and activities. My strong suspicion is that she would prefer (or has already met) a local guy who can offer her all those things.

 

You seem like a caring guy who unfortunately went along with things when you should have walked away - the primary example being her desire for an open relationship. Did you really want to give your blessing for her to see other people? Or did you just ignore your own doubts and concerns about that in fear of losing her completely if you shot down that idea?

[marky00]

You asked why would she say things like she now wanted to come to Europe etc.

 

Same thing happened in my LDR. After it lasted for several years. in the last 2 months she was sending me all the stuff I wanted to hear for years. Stuff like we would have beautiful kids etc etc.

 

It was very confusing and got my expectations up when I saw her for the last time on a holiday to her country.

 

Needless to say, a few days later I was left in a hotel alone only to find out another guy was now in the picture.

 

Very rough indeed but know that your ex was probably saying those things out of guilt or wanting to make herself feel better for what she was about to do. Does that help you or make you feel any better to know that's the reason? Nope

 

All you can do is try to forget about what has happened and things one day will get better.

 

I haven't spoken to my ex for 3 years despite her attempts to get my attention. Definitely not a nice feeling being almost arch enemies with someone you knew very well for 10 years. But I don't see the point of needless contact that is only for her benefit. Fact is, we will never see each other again and the past cannot be undone.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Because I am guessing she probably isn't lamenting over this as much as you are.

Edited May 24, 2019 by marky00

[lw3]

You asked why would she say things like she now wanted to come to Europe etc.

 

Same thing happened in my LDR. After it lasted for several years. in the last 2 months she was sending me all the stuff I wanted to hear for years. Stuff like we would have beautiful kids etc etc.

 

It was very confusing and got my expectations up when I saw her for the last time on a holiday to her country.

 

Needless to say, a few days later I was left in a hotel alone only to find out another guy was now in the picture.

 

Very rough indeed but know that your ex was probably saying those things out of guilt or wanting to make herself feel better for what she was about to do. Does that help you or make you feel any better to know that's the reason? Nope

 

All you can do is try to forget about what has happened and things one day will get better.

 

I haven't spoken to my ex for 3 years despite her attempts to get my attention. Definitely not a nice feeling being almost arch enemies with someone you knew very well for 10 years. But I don't see the point of needless contact that is only for her benefit. Fact is, we will never see each other again and the past cannot be undone.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Because I am guessing she probably isn't lamenting over this as much as you are.

 

Thanks for your input Marky!

 

And, this is also what hurts me the most is knowing that she is most likely not thinking about it as much as I am, or if she even does at all. As mentioned before, I feel like the relationship ended too abruptly, and I have not yet been able to tell her what I need to say. I'd not intend to go visit her, if she is against the idea.

 

Even though I try to think of a reason, nothing makes sense about the ending. Everything her and I have been through, everything that led to the break-up. Nothing makes sense. Indeed, the open-relationship may have been a sign that things were not quite optimal. And, perhaps she told me all of this to make me happy, and it were not how she actually felt (although she told the same things to our common friends in her home country).

 

In addition, after she broke up with me, I now know what aspects I need to work on to become a better version of myself. Again, this is something I really want to tell her too, and show her it when I visit her in July (hopefully). Maybe it ends up with nothing going according to plan, and she is completely finished with me. But can I really feel worse than I do now? If she ends up giving me the reasons other than the half-empty arguments, and it turns out that she broke up with me because she found another boy, or she does not care for me anymore, or some third reason, will this make me hurt even more? Potentially. But it also means that I have ultimately done what I felt I needed to do to save the relationship.

 

At some point, I have to admit that I cannot continue this anymore. But I think this only occurs when she finally opens up to me and tell me what resulted the outcome. Maybe I wont' get the answer I search for, or an answer at all, and I know very well that this can be the outcome of our 'talk'.

 

In the end it is about the trip. If she tells me that she does not want to see me in July at all, not even for one day. Then I know how she sees me. However, if she accepts that I can go down and visit her, and talk things through, and have (maybe) a good trip. Then this shows me a different answer.

 

Things are too hard to comprehend. Because, again. Nothing really makes sense to me. I try to think rationally. But my heart hurts too much. And, I know people argue that doing a NC will be ideal as it can help heal wounds, and maybe even provide me with another chance of establishing a relationship with her. But since I feel like I lack answers, and the trip is less than 35 days away, I need to know. I need to know if she thinks it's a good idea, or what. I have tried to keep a NC for around two weeks now, but it is getting to the point where I cannot do it anymore. I need to know.

[elaine567]

Truth - She broke up with you

Truth - Most people initiate a break up so they can see, date and sleep with other people.

Truth - It is over, finished, finito, kaput...

 

Do not go and visit her - believe me she doesn't want you to.

No-one wants an ex bf hanging around refusing to believe it is over... sad but true.

[lw3]

A sincere question - how would a "break" have been better? You two still live extremely far apart and only see each other a couple times year. It's not as though you need even more time and space apart from each other. When someone calls a break under those circumstances, it's generally because they haven't yet summoned up the courage to end it completely - but it's coming.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. But I think you have been hanging on to a dying relationship for quite a while. Could you have dealt with life better? Sure. But I don't believe that's ultimately what led to the end. I think your ex got tired and bored with the distance and wanted to open up her options locally. It's hard to maintain feelings for someone who lives so far away, who cannot go on regular dates with you, cannot be there to give you a hug after a hard day, doesn't factor into your daily landscape and activities. My strong suspicion is that she would prefer (or has already met) a local guy who can offer her all those things.

 

You seem like a caring guy who unfortunately went along with things when you should have walked away - the primary example being her desire for an open relationship. Did you really want to give your blessing for her to see other people? Or did you just ignore your own doubts and concerns about that in fear of losing her completely if you shot down that idea?

 

Sorry for only getting back to you today!

 

You'd not have to apologize for sounding harsh. It is good to get a different perspective on this situation.

 

So, I think that the break for me would allow us both to delve into our problems and issues, and work on them. Indeed, would this lead to the inevitable break-up (as we did break-up)? Maybe. But on the other hand, it will allow us to finally give each other the space we both needed. She need to figure out her plans. Does she wants to move to Europe at all, or will she stay back home in her home country? Indeed, it is a difficult choice, and using me in the equation makes it even more difficult. She should do it for herself, and not for our relationship. On the other hand, I need to improve myself in many aspects - especially the things I have come to realize. My neediness, unhappiness, introvertness, and general self-hatred.

 

I must admit, I have currently blamed myself every single day for why we broke up. Indeed, it is stupid. I have never done her wrong, hit her, cheated on her, or anything in this caliber. I became childish, stubborn and too needy (and luckily it is characteristics I can work on). However, she also have some of the fault on her shoulders. In hindsight, there has been some moments where I thought about ending it with her because things became too much. And maybe now I am just afraid of being alone when it finally happened, or maybe it is because I cannot function properly without her (to some extent). And I personally feel the answer to one or the other, can only occur when I am able to look back and say "Okay. You did everything you could. She does not want you."

 

It definitely seems like you are a very firm believer on her having another person, or wanting to open up locally because the distance became too much. I personally disagree that she broke up with me because of someone else. I obviously do not know. However, I visited her and her family during Christmas, and New Year, and stayed there for 3-4 weeks. She came to me in February, and a month later we decided on buying a new ticket to go visit her in July. This progression to me does not sounds like she has someone else in the picture. At the same time, the way we have written to each other, nothing seemed changed. But, indeed, it could be that she got tired of the distance and wanted to open up locally because the distance became too difficult. However, this would for me, also be weird. Indeed, we see each other not as often than you would with a local person. But we did purchase the ticket for the next trip, so she knew when she would see me again. Thus, in my head, it would have made more sense to talk about this particular issue in July. In addition, I mentioned to her that I intended on living with her for around 3 months when I am writing my maters' thesis, so I could test the water of living in her country. Indeed, maybe she realized that it is too much time 'wasting' on something that may or may not happen. But again, I feel it is something I would like an answer to. Primarily because the arguments she gave for the break-up are some that can 'easily' be worked on, or are at least fixable.

 

And, in regards to the open-relationship. Indeed, I did agree on the decision because of the concerns about losing her completely if I declined. But I also accepted it because I knew that there were things that I needed to work on with myself. I knew I had reached a point in my life where I could not continue being the person I am. Also, I needed to figure our what I want in life.

Edited May 26, 2019 by lw3

[lw3]

Truth - She broke up with you

Truth - Most people initiate a break up so they can see, date and sleep with other people.

Truth - It is over, finished, finito, kaput...

 

Do not go and visit her - believe me she doesn't want you to.

No-one wants an ex bf hanging around refusing to believe it is over... sad but true.

 

Indeed, it is sad, but I know it's true too.

 

I intend to initiate contact tomorrow after two weeks of not contact, and if she become distant, hostile, or even tell me I shouldn't go in July, then I have no intention on continuing fighting for 'us'. I am not sure I mentioned it in the post, but her arguments for breaking up with me seems too abruptly, and too fixable for why we should break-up. Maybe she told me this not to hurt me? But I feel like I at least should take the step to get an answer. If she does not provide me with any anything, or again, seem hostile about the idea of skyping/talking, or me visiting her. Maybe that is the sign that I need to let go of her completely.

[ExpatInItaly]

It definitely seems like you are a very firm believer on her having another person

 

Yes, I think it is very likely. From my perspective, there really isn't another reason to open a relationship if it's not to date or have sex with other people - particularly when you already live so far apart and rarely see each other in person.

 

Sorry, man. I hope it's not the case, but I do think you should brace yourself for that very possibility.

[elaine567]

I am not sure I mentioned it in the post, but her arguments for breaking up with me seems too abruptly, and too fixable for why we should break-up.

 

As you do not want to break up the arguments will never be to your satisfaction, but if things were truly fixable do you think she would be breaking up with you? It doesn't really matter what you think, she thinks it is over and as a relationship needs two to continue, then it IS all over.

[lw3]

Yes, I think it is very likely. From my perspective, there really isn't another reason to open a relationship if it's not to date or have sex with other people - particularly when you already live so far apart and rarely see each other in person.

 

Sorry, man. I hope it's not the case, but I do think you should brace yourself for that very possibility.

 

Hey man. I do know if I didn't mention it, but indeed, I do know that she wanted to feel free (and definitely includes the feeling of wanting to be with someone else sexually, or at least feeling as if she has the opportunity), and that was the main reason for her wanting to have an open-relationship. And the idea of feeling free should help her understand what she wants - moving to Europe or not. That was the initial plan. It is definitely likely she has already been with someone. And, too be honest, I am not angry, mad or sad because of that.

 

But, indeed, maybe her reasoning for wanting to break-up is because she realized that the feeling of being free is more worth it than being in a relationship with me. Therefore, I am, somewhat, preparing myself for that very outcome. But again, I cannot find the answer without trying. If, me trying, ends in nothing, then that should be a sign that everything was in vain, and the only possibility to move forward is completely remove her from my life. Although, in the end, I have hopes that if a relationship is not possible, then a friendship would be.

 

But, if she cannot give me proper reasons, acts hostile, do not want to skype/talk with me, and doesn't allow me to go down there even when she was the one who pushed that agenda (with myself of course), then a friendship in the near future/or forever is not going to happen either. As such, I know I need to remove/distant myself completely from her. But, I guess I have to take one thing at a time, try to see how she reacts and then decide accordingly - without being too much of a door-mat. I should obviously have some self-respect...

[lw3]

As you do not want to break up the arguments will never be to your satisfaction, but if things were truly fixable do you think she would be breaking up with you? It doesn't really matter what you think, she thinks it is over and as a relationship needs two to continue, then it IS all over.

 

I mean It is definitely hard to explain things to strangers, and even family members and friends of why I am thinking this particular way. So many things have happened in our relationship (as in most relationships).

 

Yes, and no. I do think she felt that from her point-of-view things have been too difficult with the LDR aspect, and me being childish, annoying and needy. She literally used excuses/arguments that I could 'easily' find a reason on how we could fix it. With this, I mean that, if she actually think the relationship is over (which she does since she broke up with me) there must be more to it than what she told me. Whether or not I will get answers, I at least think I deserve to give it a try.

 

And, indeed, I definitely want to regain the relationship, but I also know - as you said - that we need to be two people wanting it. Therefore, I am also currently arguing with myself that, in the end, I am doing this to get some sort of proper closer if this is the end of the road for me and her. But letting things go so easily after everything... It does not seem right to me.

[elaine567]

People during a break up rarely tell you the truth as to why they are breaking up with you.

Usually the real reasons are too personal or potentially hurtful, so they are left unspoken, whilst they wheel out what seem like excuses for why they don't want to see you.

[lw3]

People during a break up rarely tell you the truth as to why they are breaking up with you.

Usually the real reasons are too personal or potentially hurtful, so they are left unspoken, whilst they wheel out what seem like excuses for why they don't want to see you.

 

And, I think this is why I have such a difficult time moving forward. I cannot fathom what these reasons would be. Hence, why I feel like I cannot let it go, yet. I have spent the last few weeks (since she broke up) thinking, thinking and thinking about things. Went through every single episode/scenario/text to find answers, but nothing make sense.

 

And maybe by asking her I'll not get any answer, or any answer that makes sense. But I cannot find an answer without making an effort for it. Which is why I have tried to give her some space the last few weeks. But I also know that the pain I am feeling does not go away until I try to talk to her. Again, if she is distant/hostile when I start to talk to her, then maybe that is the answer I need.

 

But I appreciate your thoughts!

 

I just feel that I have been stuck in this feeling of awfulness for ages, and I have tried different things to get out of it. But I think the tiny hope I have inside of me ruins my changes of moving on. And I believe that the hope I have for me and her, having a relationship or a friendship again, can only be killed when I have done everything I can.

[marky00]

Hi my friend.

 

I totally get you. I went through the same emotions. Trying to get some answers for your own sanity but then you don't want to be a doormat etc, very tough gig.

 

I will tell you now its unlikely you will get the answers from her. She will probably take those reasons/answers to her grave. The answers now are in her actions.

 

I never got any answers or the ones I did were clearly not truthful. Over time, you will find some answers on your own. I totally get you but, some dumpers give you nothing at all and that makes it hard. My ex was Thai and they basically show no emotion and always skirt around the truth. I did come up with some of my own answers but in the end my only option was just to try and forget. Even after 4 years, all I have is a few theories and way too much self-reflection on the things I did wrong. Not exactly a fun or healthy dynamic.

 

After a while you just won't care about the reasons anymore and that is when you start to feel a bit better.

 

I know why you are taking this bad. Our stories are somewhat similar, I also lost my way and become a bit depressed although it was set off by some issues external to the relationship. Knowing you weren't yourself makes it much more hurtful because of all the what ifs etc.

 

Try to be kind to yourself. Slowly forget the details so they just become memories. That's the pathway to healing.

[lw3]

Hey! I appreciate your comments.

 

Indeed, it sounds like our stories have some similarities in them, so your thoughts definitely helps.

 

It is weird though. I am not sitting with the feeling that I really need her in my life. I, of course, would love to have her back. It has been 26 days, and I still imagine us growing old together. But I can slowly feel that feelings is disappearing. However, I would still love for her to be in my life somehow, as my girlfriend, friend or something.

 

The day she broke up with me, I both lost my girlfriend but also my best friend over two and a half year. And, this definitely makes it even worse. And, indeed, I might not get answers. But the silence, the hostility, or whatever may happen will be enough, or at least enough for me to move on.

 

However, at the moment, I have not 'tried' anything, or told her anything. I accepted her decision more or less instantly, and never told her that I would love for us to try again, 'give me a second chance' or anything that is in my heart, and the things that brings out my heartache. I really do think this awful feeling that I have is due to the fact that I feel like I have not tried to get her back, or anything like that yet.

 

If I try, and it backfires, then at least I know I tried.

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[The Outlaw]

You had a good run with her, but most people wouldn't be open to anything else with an ex. The short response is a lack of interest, and likely, she really doesn't want to talk to you. The more you contact her, the more you prolong being able to move on. It's best to just let it go and work on yourself. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's the best thing to do.

[lw3]

You had a good run with her, but most people wouldn't be open to anything else with an ex. The short response is a lack of interest, and likely, she really doesn't want to talk to you. The more you contact her, the more you prolong being able to move on. It's best to just let it go and work on yourself. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's the best thing to do.

 

Hey you!

 

Indeed, I have had a good run with her. I am not going to look back and be disappointed. On the contrary, I must admit that it has been the best 2½ year of my life - which makes everything even more difficult.

 

So, I haven't talked to her for around 16 days (excluding the birthday wishes). She has always been short in her responses, even doing our relationship (this also includes the amount of Skyping session we had), so it makes it really hard to judge her on that. Particularly since I feel like she writes very... hmm... positively (?) when we talked before the communication break.

 

You are right. I am prolonging my ability to move on because I cannot let go. However, I am continuing to work on myself every single day. Partly because I hope that I can manage to improve myself, and show her this. And, also because I know when I eventually find someone else, I have to be the best version of myself. So I do not end up behaving the same way. But I intend to give it a bit more, and start contacting her again by next week (I think tomorrow), see her reaction and response. If she is somewhat positive, I might ask if she wants to talk/skype during the upcoming week. If she accepts, I will ask about the vacation during July, and see her response.

 

If she seems distant, hostile, doesn't want to talk to me at all, and does not respond/ignore my request of seeing me/hanging out with me during the vacation in July, then... that should show me that I have tried everything (at least for now) and I need to move on.