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Welp guess that’s it!! Crushed!


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where do i begin

43 YO female, divorced for 4 years. Finally met a nice guy 10 months ago and it was so nice to feel all the good things again. My ex hus. Cheated on my twice; first time I gave him a bye, second time I moved out. Took my kids and started a new life.

 

He saw them only once a week and had now upped it to twice a week. He and I are on good terms now, but the emotional damage was already done. I had plenty of time to work on things, went to counseling, worked on myself and read a ton of self help books and thought I was in my way to recovering. I dated here and there, but never found the one.

 

Until I met this one. We hit it right off, played it cool for a while and then became exclusive. I’m not going to lie, there were trust issues on both parts. He and his wife have been divorced for three years and don’t get along at all. One of his children is making his life hell ad is his ex wife. It’s tough, but I’m in it and chose to be supportive.

 

Between his ex and child and social media we have had some bumps. I’m trying so hard, but I’m fearful that I’ve lost him. I sit back and listen to his issues. He just went to court and was awarded another day with his youngest of whom is 9, the other two, both girls are of the age that they can decide if they want to have visitation, they both chose to stay solely with mom. His son would live with him if he could. He’s a great dad to all of his children but is getting the short end of the stick. All he is to his girls is an ATM.

 

Fast forward to yesterday, after having a little rough patch because he is non stop stressed out sex life took a sh*t. But I still hung in there. We had a nice day date yesterday at the beach. Went for dinner and a few drinks and one of his daughters started on him about needing money. She was literally about 10 miles from where we were, so he invited her and her friend to meet us for a bite and conversation, she claimed she couldn’t, he sent her the money via an app and he never heard back from her. Of course this put him in a bad mood and I just about had it. So when we were done eating I told him that it was getting late and that I had to get home to my teenage children. We kissed good bye and I let him know I was home. And it all went to crap after that.

 

He started questioning stupid stuff about an inspirational quote that I posted two days prior that basically said don’t live for yesterday and be proud of where you are today. I swear I meant nothing about him nor I, but just proud of where I am today. One of my memories popped up from two years ago when I finally graduated college ( that I did not post) but in that moment I was very proud of myself.

 

According to him he said that people will get the wrong impression and think it’s about him and I. I removed the post. I know, too old to be fighting over social media. So then just last night he posts a meme about dad bod, and drinking team ( again too old for this crap) well I got to thinking and thought how is it that he can posts stupid stuff like that but I can’t post an inspirational quote?! It mad me mad and I asked him about it. Again, I know too old for social media BS.

 

I know he has a lot going on, and I’ve taken a back seat, but it’s aggravating me to no end now. I mean do my feelings count for anything? Today he gave me the silent treatment, all day! I text him a gm text and he said gm back. Not a conversation like we have ever had in the am, I text him at lunch and asked about his day. I got; no different than any other Monday, and have a nice day. Figuring he was busy and stressed I let him be the remainder of the day. Text him as I left work as I or he always does and asked if I was going to see him tonight as it our night together with no kids and I got “No drove to ALl day today would like just to stay in and relax clear my head.” I am crushed and I am fearing the worst. I’m pretty sure he is going to end things with me. Would anyone like to talk me down from this ledge and give me any of your thoughts? Of course I’d like to hear only positives, but I do want honesty. TIA

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CautiouslyOptimistic

For what reasons do you want to stay in this relationship? Do you admire, respect, love this man? Or are you more afraid of rejection and being alone again? Regardless of what his intentions are, these are important questions for you to answer.

 

I do not understand at all how he could have taken your FB post the way he did. Between him thinking people would think it's about him (seriously?) and the silent treatment....I'd be aggravated too.

 

Is he going to end it? No clue, but if I were you I'd be glad for this break and use it to clear your head, too.

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There's so much going on in there, l need a few more coffees first haha.

But l will say nah , l don't think he's gonna end things . Think he's whole sitch just got on top of him and he's having a bit of a dummy spit.God couldn't blame the poor bastard on all that God what a mess , having a daughter and an ex l really feel for him, but it's not your fault l know.

l think he's just stupidly lashed out at you in just such frustration with he's own sitch , but hopefully he;ll realize and apologize and talk about it soon. Try and take it easy for a few days , give him some time.

The pressure and heartbreak of his sitch is truly about the worst thing on this planet a man can go through.

Good luck anyway.

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where do i begin
For what reasons do you want to stay in this relationship?
I know that I will be okay in the end if he does end it, but I’m not sure he will give me closure. I think I am fearful of being ghosted with no closure at all. Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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He may be deflecting anger on to you. What prompted him taking that quote personally must have had something to do with that day you had drinks and the daughter got money off him. Maybe he sensed your disapproval and is harboring resentment about that.

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where do i begin

The pressure and heartbreak of his sitch is truly about the worst thing on this planet a man can go through.

Good luck anyway.

I love that you use the word “ stitch” I actually had to look it up. Lol Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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This is almost my life in a nutshell. Lol

Ughhhh, dating is so darn hard in this day of age. Hang tight, maybe he really does just need to clear his head. Are you worried that he is clearing his head with thoughts of you and him?

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where do i begin
This is almost my life in a nutshell. Lol
yes, I am worried that he is going to end things. It’s probably the first time I gave it back to him. Meaning I gave him an attitude. I was mad that he had something to say to me regarding my post and he goes and post something so juvenile that to me, was indicative of him being a fun single guy. Again, just too old to post crap like that especially when he had something to say about my posy, I’m not on Facebook that often and if I am it’s posts that are inspirational or posts about my kids or family. Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Lotsgoingon

Just as preraph said ... sounds like he attacked your inspirational post because he was angry at something else that he didn't have the emotional awareness to identify. And most likely, he was already angry at you.

 

Contrary to what you conclude, things did not turn bad after you arrived home. No, they turned bad at the dinner ... with the phone call from his daughter ... asking for money. First the family stuff intrudes right there on your time with him--directly intrudes--in the form of the daughter who opted not even to spend some limited custody time with him. And I can tell you where I would have gotten angry: right when he invited the daughter to join you! That would have knocked the energy outta me.

 

Here are your words ... he sent her the money via an app and he never heard back from her. Of course this put him in a bad mood and I just about had it ... You were frustrated, you were annoyed. He picked up that frustration ... and his attack on your post was his (immature) response.

 

And then you just happened to post something that upset him. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Sounds like passive-aggressive warfare to me.

 

I encourage you to revisit that anger or frustration that led you to insist that the night was over ... and that led you to want to go home. That was a time for you to use some words to express frustration ... or ... time for you to face the reality. Is he really available in a way that you want a man to be available?

 

Both of you were passive-aggressive in a highly stressful situation that required deft, gentle and precise communication. One of you needs to initiate a repair conversation ... but you need to face up to your own upset ...

 

Don't skip over that ... out of worry that he might disappear on you. If the relationships is gonna work, you guys GOT to be able to deal with times when his daughter calls and asks him for money.

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This whole social media thing is just embarrassing. I don't have any of it, and I never will. You're in your 40s and you guys are acting like you're teens. Grow up.

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where do i begin

So I posted yesterday about my boyfriend and him being very stressed, ex takes him back to court 3 years after divorce for more money, two of his daughters don’t want any concrete days with him ( want to see him when they want to) is awarded an extra over night with youngest ( his son), he’s stressed with work and I just sit back and wait for the attention and affection that he gave me 10 months ago.

 

We ended our date on Sunday with more stress from one of the daughters bc she yet again was asking for more money, which of course he gave to her but he became very agitated when she basically blew him off after he transferred the money.

 

He shuts down completely when this happens and usually does not communicate with me about any of it. I left Sunday night and he wasn’t himself. Didn’t hear much from him the remainder of the night, woke in the am sent him a good morning text, he responded with a “GM” asked him how his day was around lunch and pretty much got a “good” text him when I left work as we always do and asked if I was going to see him as it was our night and his response was no, going to relax and clear my head” didn’t hear from him the rest of the evening. I did respond with , ok, thanks for the blow off” I mean I am fed up now.

 

I get it HE is stressed, HE needs to clear his head, HE needs space. Hello what about ME, and my needs and wants. I’ve done this for so long now. I’m hurt and sad that I haven’t heard from him since last night at 4:30, but wow. He completely blew me off. I assume we are done, I assume he won’t even give me an explanation. I think I deserve that after 10 months of my time, effort and affection for him. I fell for this man and all I got in return is crushed.

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He's more or less told you he needs space. When someone tells me or shows me that they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft.

 

Being shut out when there are problems is not a healthy relationship tactic. That being said, so far, it's just one night and I can understand why he might need a little breather. But if this goes on for days, I'd be out. Don't reach out to him at all. Let him have some space but wait it out and see how long it takes. Like, I said a day, maybe two, I could deal with but not much longer than that, if he opens up to me afterward at least. If/when he reaches out again, calmly and respectfully let him know how this behavior makes you feel. If this is the way he handles difficulty while in a relationship, you might be witnessing part of the reason he's divorced . . .

 

By the way, dating a divorced man is a tough row to hoe. Think about this while he's skulking and realize this could be a long haul.

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Curiousroxy86
He's more or less told you he needs space. When someone tells me or shows me that they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft.

 

omg this this this

 

Op if it were me he would have one full day

 

afterwards if I still dont hear from him he would get a breakup text from me and I would keep it pushing

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where do i begin
omg this this this
yes this is the plan. Just curious, how would your break up text go? I just can’t believe the nerve of him. To not even reach out and tell me that he’s pissed. For all I know he is pissed at me?! I am replaying the day in my head a thousand times and I think I may know what it had to do with. I mean I know his daughter passed him off, but I may have to. I. D.o.n.t want to mention how bc it had to do with social media BS. And yes, I am too old for that crap, but it is what it is. Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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stillafool

I think you should do the kind thing and tell him to take some time away from the relationship to clear his head and straighten out his life. This is probably what he wants anyway. Give it to him. He doesn't have time for you.

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where do i begin

Clearly he is trying to make a clean break from this. And the more I think about it, the more pissed I become and I. D.o.n.t want to go firing off a text I will regret later, so I hope you all don’t mind my venting here.

 

The worst part about this is that I have to keep my phone with me all day to count my steps due to a step challenge through work. So of course, I keep looking at my phone. My stomach is in knots, my neck is super sore and I wish for the love of gosh I could go home and crawl under the covers and say Ef this all. Why do people play with someone else’s emotions like this? Can I sit here and try to convince myself that what’s meant to be will be? Sure, but it still hurts like hell.

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Instead of the passive agressive « Thanks for the blow off » why didn’t you just stop texting and gave him the space he needs?? My boyfriend sometimes gets huge anxiety episodes, and all I do is tell him « I’m there if you ever need it » and that’s it!! I wait for him to contact me because I know his head isn’t in the right place. Sometimes he’ll still text me about how he’s feeling because it helps, whereas sometimes he’ll just be silent for a while. I give him a few days. He’s never gone more than 2 days without calling, but I guess on day 3 I would call and check up on him. If I still got radio silence, THEN I would think about maybe ending things

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Clearly he is trying to make a clean break from this. And the more I think about it, the more pissed I become and I. D.o.n.t want to go firing off a text I will regret later, so I hope you all don’t mind my venting here.

 

The worst part about this is that I have to keep my phone with me all day to count my steps due to a step challenge through work. So of course, I keep looking at my phone. My stomach is in knots, my neck is super sore and I wish for the love of gosh I could go home and crawl under the covers and say Ef this all. Why do people play with someone else’s emotions like this? Can I sit here and try to convince myself that what’s meant to be will be? Sure, but it still hurts like hell.

 

Listen, I doubt very much that he's intentionally "playing with" your emotions. He just very self-involved right now and isn't thinking about you and how this affects you. My point is, don't let this eat you up thinking he's intentionally trying to hurt you. He isn't. But, it does show that he is not as emotionally invested in you as a relationship partner as he could/should be at this point.

 

He's overwhelmed, I'd say. He's just not in a position mentally, emotionally, all around to be trying to develop a another relationship. It's just not in him right now.

 

If he'd said, 'hey, I love you but I need a little me time right now. I'll call you tomorrow (or the next day even)", I'd be a little lenient. If he'd kept in touch at least and talked a little in between that'd be fine. But not even communicating a little bit and venting, seeking support? He's not emotionally connected to you enough.

 

Even if he reaches out soon, I'd say tell him you're moving on because this doesn't work for you and that it's likely to be like this for years because of the divorce and the kids, etc. This isn't going away quickly. Find a guy who has less baggage and more emotional stock to invest in a relationship.

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dispatch3d

Am i missing something or are both of you giving each other the silent treatment here? Or has it just been a few days since you chatted and the last experience was a negative one?

 

If he's mad at the way his daughter and ex wife are treating him that will probably effect his moods but won't change his opinion of you somehow.

 

Anyhow ya'll are older than me good luck!

 

also your social media crap is weird, I don't use it at all and I don't get involved in the social media fights ever that you are into.

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Curiousroxy86
Just curious, how would your break up text go?

 

keep it short and simple

 

"I understand you are stressed out and have your own issues to deal with but the way I am being treated is not okay therefore it is best that we breakup. Take care."

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OP, I was in a relationship where my SO needed space pretty regularly. It just was her personality. I'd give her space and she'd come back as her usual self.

 

The key is to allow people space when they need it. It doesn't necessarily mean they are ending it. You need to take a few steps back and just breath a bit. He's got a lot going on.

 

Having said that, the two of you seem to be quite into the drama. You have enough drama going on in other parts of your lives - why insert more in your relationship? Your relationship should be a respite from all the drama, not a heaping of more drama to already stressed out lives.

 

And both of you really need to cut each other some slack. There's no reason to get pissed off over small stuff. Ask yourselves when you get upset if it is really worth the high blood pressure.

 

Life is short. Learn to relax and enjoy each other.

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There's a thing called compartmentalization. It's when you have to focus on one thing and neglect a lot of other things because the one thing takes up all your head space and energy. So just be quiet and don't communicate until he does and give him space. And then once the crisis has passed, let him know he unfairly deflected his anger onto you and that you won't put up with that again.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Instead of the passive agressive « Thanks for the blow off » why didn’t you just stop texting and gave him the space he needs?? My boyfriend sometimes gets huge anxiety episodes, and all I do is tell him « I’m there if you ever need it » and that’s it!! I wait for him to contact me because I know his head isn’t in the right place. Sometimes he’ll still text me about how he’s feeling because it helps, whereas sometimes he’ll just be silent for a while. I give him a few days. He’s never gone more than 2 days without calling, but I guess on day 3 I would call and check up on him. If I still got radio silence, THEN I would think about maybe ending things

 

Yes, this. Part of being a good partner is realizing (and respecting) that they are not exactly like you, so what they need may not be what you need. And maybe it's not always about you.

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Yes, this. Part of being a good partner is realizing (and respecting) that they are not exactly like you, so what they need may not be what you need. And maybe it's not always about you.

 

Gotta say, I learned it the hard way. The first time it happened, I texted and questionned what I did and everything. He got pretty upset and told me that it wasn’t about me, but he needed space. I understood and now he just tells me « I don’t feel good, I’m sad and don’t know why ». That’s my hint and I know he needs space. I’m still there if he needs to talk and I understand the lack of answers. I let him come to me.

OP, You need to understand that at the moment, it is not about you. He needs to focus on himself and his feelings. He doesn’t have it in him to focus on you. If you can’t accept it, you should end it. He’s not necessarily manipulating you, he might just not be able to give you what you want

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