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Lessons learned from a dumpee (post 6 months)


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(I'm french so sorry if my english is a little messy)

 

This is not a thread on how to win your ex back, it's just a description of my experience and what i've been through. I've made a fair amount of mistakes but also some positive progress.

As a classic dumpee i've been reading a lot in these forums so i just thought i would write down and share my journey.

 

I really feel for all the dumpees in these forums so I hope this can help someone in one way or another.

 

INTRO :

 

I'm 37, her 34, 11 years relationship, married for 4.5 years, a little boy of 3.5 years old. Today due to personal reasons we are still living in the same house (seperate rooms). She will be moving out very shortly to live with her new boyfriend.

 

During our 11 years together things were great the first 10 years : we never argued much, loved each other sincerely, never lacked respect and had sex on a regular basis until the end. But after 11 years obviously things just got ordinary, not bad but just a little boring on both ends.

 

October 2018, my soon to be ex wife was going through rough times, a lot of pressure at work and the loss of her grandmother.

December 2018 I found out my future ex-wife was seeing a co-worker since October. They had met 3 times outside of work when i found out by looking into her phone.

 

I confronted her and she chose to stay with but me, but that only lasted 3 weeks.

As I had no idea on what to do so I made all the classic mistakes during that period : Get clingy, feel insecure, feel jealous, pull, pull and pull until she decided it was too much to deal with and decided she had to give way to her intense feelings for that other man. She felt confused but saw in this new love story a "sign of her destiny".

Some people may call this GIGS, but whatever it's called, it's a situation where she could not control her feelings and had to find out, so she left me on the 1st of January.

 

Long after that I tried to find an explanation for closure : Was he better then me ? What did I do wrong ? What was she missing in our relationship ?

The fact that she called it destiny finally illustrated to some extent what happened : There was no logical explanation, nothing rational, it was a lot of unexplained feelings and loss of control. It was too strong and too exciting to fight against. I finally realized it was an uneven battle and a search for something different, not better. Understanding this gave me some closure, removed the guilty feeling that I had did something wrong before the breakup and helped me to stop comparing.

 

The RED ZONE :

 

From there on, as most of you already know things get really hardcore, the breakup was brutal, she had made her mind up in 2 months after 11 years together.

So it begins : Weight loss, mind racing 24/7, intense crying, anxiety, anger, drinking (usually both), 3 hours of sleep max per night, not being able to focus at work.

I've called it the "red zone". At that time you try anything to get out of it and that includes many mistakes (usual begging and whining) until one day you exit the denial phase and accept that the healing process will take time.

 

It was so scary at some point that I tried to speed up the healing process only to realize that could not trick my brain into thinking something : Rewiring my brain out of my dependency for the dumper and my old habits is a natural process that happens slowly, day by day, one at a time.

 

During that time I didn't recognize her anymore, she was doing things she had never done before, saying things that were difficult to hear and was very distant. It destroyed me : How can someone you have shared so much with completely ignore you and be so cold ?

Over time i'll realize that it's a normal thing, she was protecting herself and in her own way trying to protect me as well from any hope that could slow down my healing process. She was, and still is dealing with guilt and doubts but she had to take responsibility for the hardest decision she's made in her life and I have to admit she is doing it quite well.

I'm not saying she was right or wrong to do it, i'm only saying that was her own way of dealing with an ambiguous situation : Feeling intense love for someone new, while wondering if she had not made a mistake. The problem in my case was that love, excitement, dopamine and oxytocin rushes during the honeymoon period is way stronger than doubts, memories and regrets.

 

Saving myself :

 

End of January I had to escape the "red zone" because my situation was getting out of hand from a health perspective, so with the help of friends, a therapist, and the love of my son I did everything i could to get out :

 

- Gym every morning to evacuate the negative energy inside me that had built up during the night.This allowed me to improve that way I started off my days.

 

- Talking to friends and family for hours. I've realized over time the advice people provide isn't what really helps, specially if they have never been through this, but just getting things out of my system, putting words on thoughts and exploring my thoughts (even the darkest ones) helped me process the whole sh*t storm in my brain. Usually after talking I almost always felt slightly relieved for a period of time.

 

- Meeting new people allowed me to see my future differently : In the beginning my social life looked quite limited, not many options to meet new woman because of the lack to time between my job and my son. I soon realized that there were many new things out there to live in a different way which allowed me to start seeing a little positivity ahead.

 

- Finding a new job for a new challenge and something to focus on. This is very personal, I felt that I needed that level of change.

 

- Went LC since NC was not an option because of my son. The idea was to keep my mind at bay and not make any additional mistakes.

 

- Change my habits (For me this was important) : reading before going to bed instead of watching TV, drinking tea instead of coffee, pick up new hobbies on my own and with my son, go to new places, take care of the house, buy new clothes, discover new music, writing etc...

 

I've now understood that even the smallest changes may be insignificant at first but it really helped down the line. Some things worked for me, others don't but in the end I kept going.

Progressively things naturally fell in line and snowballed slowly into something better. But I had to be patient and that was the hardest part.

At first I wanted to change everything immediately, improve myself overnight so she could see it, only to realize that it was exhausting, fake and I was forgetting completely who I really am.

I felt like I was climbing a mountain, but I found out later that there is a more comfortable path upwards, so I slowed things down, found a more comfortable pace and changed things for my own well being, not for her.

 

These small changes allowed me to accept more and more my emotional state as well : I used to try to hold feelings in, pretending that I was fine when I was dying inside but my emotions were only building up. Sadness turns into desperation and anger turns into rage, that's when messy things happen.

It took a little time to understand that it's fine to be sad or angry. It's scary at first, even more because of the anxiety but it won't kill you. It's even a healthy mechanism when you understand how it works : Accept it, let it out before it turns into something worse. It's ok to not be ok.

 

4 months later :

 

I was still not healed but things got easier to deal with and I even started to feel relaxed from time to time. I was out of the "red zone". I was sleeping again, eating, and started looking quite fit which made me proud when i looked at myself in the mirror.

 

Over time I have reduced my dependency for her even though I still feel love for her. You know that same "love" the dumper refers to when she says "I love you but i'm not in love with you".

 

One day I decided to turn this life event into an positive opportunity. It doesn't happen overnight, you still want to be mad, hurt the person that hurts you everyday by not loving you anymore.

It takes time and dedication to take the "high road" but after a few days / weeks / months you get better at it so when you look back you can at least be proud of yourself for who you are.

And some of you probably know that pride is fundamental when you've been dumped for someone else...

 

Something i've also learned is to stop thinking about "what if's" and "worst case scenarios". I assume it's natural to do so in these very difficult situations, it's probably a defense mechanism to find temporary relief when things are really hard but over time i've realized that ignorance is bliss. That's probably why NC is always recommended for the healing process when you can.

Unfortunately for me I had to take the hard path for the sake of my son. Ignoring negative thoughts and unhealthy curiosity was very difficult, and many times I failed but overall I was getting better at it, it's like learning a new skill.

 

6 months in :

 

Now it's almost been 6 months, she will very soon move in with her new boyfriend, we have prepared shared custody for my son and we have started to talk about terms of our divorce.

 

I still struggle from time to time but i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I now think that the wound never really heals completely. I'm learning to live with it. That wound is now a part of me which is not really a problem : It's a reminder of when my life changed for the better. Don't get me wrong I was not unhappy in my past relationship but i'm now doing things that I would have never done before, meeting people I would have never met before and this will enrich my life and make me become a better person.

 

Being with someone for so long I used to define myself as part of an entity : "I am the husband of my wife and the father of my son". Now I define myself as an independent individual which allows me to take better decisions for myself and my future. Before all this I used to limit myself unconsciously because of my family situation, now I'm allowed to make spontaneous decisions, take risks and be a little more selfish for my own well being.

 

I've tried dating a little, in some way it did help to get a little confidence back, feel attractive again and to prove to myself that I was still sexually capable. But it mainly allowed me to remove the pressure of rushing into a next relationship only to fill the void of my love life. Before dating I could feel quite lonely, but now that I know I can find someone else I'm getting a lot more comfortable with being single.

 

Today, my relationship with her is ok despite me being distant, she still cares about me and wants me to remain in her life, but i'm being careful to not to look at that as breadcrumbs. I keep reminding myself that it's only out of respect for our past, for what we have in common and that she is moving on quickly into her new life.

 

I also sometimes still wonder if I should make a move, try to win her back by playing mind games or making a grand gesture but I'm convinced that it would not work : She needs the space to live her new and shiny love story, wear off the honeymoon period and I need to heal and become a better version of myself on my own. There is no point in faking it, I'm convinced that you can't lie about how you feel : It's something that people can see in your eyes, you don't tell people you are feeling better, people just see that in you. I have to admit that I have still not made it there completely but i've never been so close, and that idea keeps me going.

 

And tomorrow ?

 

Who knows what can happen in the future ? I'm quite sure that one day she'll regret, maybe in years, and that I'll move on. It's all about timing and fate but it's simply wrong to spend time waiting for that to happen : I now have a new life to live. Of course I'd still love to find her later, once we both have taken time to evolve into something better but until then I accept the risk of missing that opportunity.

 

Overall, healing is not a destination, it's a journey. You can't get there by cheating, you have to accept it and live it fully because through the process you are building a whole new world which is unpredictable and that can be scary. But when you let go, unpredictability becomes exciting.

 

To all those that are going through something similar I dearly wish you all the best. It's f***ing tough but just keep going, you'll have to be patient and find the things that will allow you to heal one day at a time. One day you'll wake up, feel happy again, be much stronger and know yourself much better. That day you'll see that after all your breakup has been a opportunity.

 

Keep your head up looking at the sky, it will be blue again whatever happens.

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Nice post. Glad you're just about out of the rain and into the sunshine.

 

Don't feel bad about having love in your heart. In time, you will be able to look back and enjoy what you had when it was good better, without it hurting so much. It's better than thinking that it was some false love or something. Lots of relationships just run their course. To me, it sounds like she needed to feel excitement and feel young again for a minute, while you were more content. I guess she got a little restless.

 

Meanwhile, hopefully, you'll love someone new, and you'll still have your ex in your life because of the child. That's not so bad.

 

Good job moving forward. Smooth sailing ahead.

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Great post, the way you're handling it, you're a champ. I can see this woman trying to comeback after the honeymoon phase is over. I hope you find someone new who'll make you even more happy. In my story I revert to different stages and I'm mostly stuck on anger. Hoping my day of joy will come but until then I'm still grinding.

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I don't think she'll find the grass is greener. There is always boredom in relationships at times. It's life. It takes work. She'll wake up one day, alone, wondering why she ruined her life.

Edited by Highndry
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OP, I appreciate your post. I'm at 7 months NC and still struggling sometimes, so it's nice to read reminders that everyone struggles and that I need to be more patient with myself. I love your introspection and the suggestions you have. I have recently also experimented with changing my habits too (drinking tea instead of Diet Coke, reading before bed instead of tv) and I love those ideas as a way of teaching yourself that life is different now.

 

Sometimes I feel sad that the parts of my relationship with my ex are gone (not just him, but things I did or liked during that time) but I hope that as I go forward I'll make new good memories. I don't think I've gotten to the place where I feel more hopeful than sad, but I'm hoping I'll get there.

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where do i begin

Wow, just wow. Such a motivational post. Thank you for sharing. Good luck on this magical journey, the sjy’s The limit for you. Good luck

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CautiouslyOptimistic

 

Long after that I tried to find an explanation for closure : Was he better then me ? What did I do wrong ? What was she missing in our relationship ?

The fact that she called it destiny finally illustrated to some extent what happened : There was no logical explanation, nothing rational, it was a lot of unexplained feelings and loss of control. It was too strong and too exciting to fight against. I finally realized it was an uneven battle and a search for something different, not better. Understanding this gave me some closure, removed the guilty feeling that I had did something wrong before the breakup and helped me to stop comparing.

 

 

This whole post was fantastic, but I quoted this part because I think it can be particularly helpful to those who have found themselves in your shoes. Really good wisdom here!

 

You've provided some great tangible advice here (i.e. changing your routine, trying new things, etc.). Thanks for posting.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Just found this in another forum (you know the other one...)

 

« I am beiginning to realize that the more incomplete one may feel within themselves, will determine the amount of hurt and the time needed to get past the relationship that once was. »

 

After thinking about it I found this simple statement so powerful...

It sums up so much about the process following the breakup on both sides.

 

Healing is all about finding what completes us as an individual. We want to skip that part only to avoid the pain but I’m realizing that this is my only objective and way out !

 

Good luck to all of you dumpees in finding that answer !

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