Did I breakup with the love of my life?

[NCBonsteel]

I'll try to keep this short- my apologies up front - also, 1st time poster.

 

I first met my Ex in high school, and as far as I can tell, instantly fell in love with her. It was clear right away that we had intense feelings for each other but never ended up dating even though she had asked once or twice. ( I was too conceited and in true high school-boy fashion, wanted to run around with as many girls as possible. This isn't something that I am proud of, I'm just being frank so to tell the whole story.) Ultimately I ended up hurting her enough times for her to swear me off as a possibility.

 

We stayed in touch throughout college and ended up sleeping together a few times. After I graduated I moved to the west cost and as of 6 years ago, back to our home state. We reconnected about 4 years ago while we were both nearing the ends of our individually failing relationships.

 

As fate would have it, we got involved with each other on a very serious physical level shortly after our breakups. My breakup was much cleaner and I fell very in love with her much faster than she did with me. Understanding the history of me being a total ass, I gave what I thought to be a lot of time and space for her to feel comfortable in trusting and accepting me. For the first year of our relationship she would hardly come to meet my friends or family, and if she did, it was only for very brief amounts of time. Conversely, there were very few invites to meet all of her people. As the first year went on it became very apparent that she was still extremely close with her ex, something that I understood and told her that I was OK with as long as she could be honest and transparent about when they hung out and where her true feelings were. As time went on I kept catching her in inconsistencies and cover ups as to where she was and what she was doing. Everything exploded when her ex crashed and confronted us at a wedding that we were at. (Nothing juicy happened, she just called him a psycho and told him to leave. Which he did.) It was at this point I made the ultimatum of him or me. She swore up and down that she never lied or cheated on me and promised that things would be different. We were still super duper in love and after a short break, decided to give things another shot.

 

We had been working on being more open and communicative for a 2.5 years, and things with our friends and families were slowly getting better. When we were together I would feel empowered, lusting for life, constantly trying to be a better person, loved (in an oddly clinical yet extremely satisfying way..), and when we slept together it felt like the stars were melting over us. But the second we were apart I wouldn't be able to get my jealously under control. I was constantly anxious and questioning her motives and honesty. This obviously lead to a lot of resentment between us and about a month ago I decided I needed to end things.

 

Although it feels amazing not to have the anxiety that was constantly haunting me when we were together, I can't help but feel heartbroken and longing for my best friend and partner. What makes it even worse is hearing all of my friends and family respond to the news of our break up with "ahhh man, I was just starting to like her!"

 

I would love to get back together and make things right, but I don't know how to do so without all of the baggage I know that I have. I would hate myself for trying to start this AGAIN (we are on our 3rd or 4th breakup..) knowing my serious trust issues. Honestly I'm just trying to be fair to both of us.

 

Asking for advice on how to move forward...

Edited May 17, 2019 by NCBonsteel

[planb1973]

Get some therapy and sort out your jealousy before you do anything.

[preraph]

Hey, if she's got a melodramatic ex she puts up with, your jealousy isn't entirely unfounded. Being friends with an ex is one thing if both of you have moved on. Clearly, he has not. So she really can't expect someone to put up with knowing he's constantly humping her leg. However, you may know yourself well and realize you also have more jealousy than normal = insecurity. If so, agree you can work on it. But that thing with her ex, you can't have one around if one is still after you. Not many people would put up with that and nor should she.

[The Outlaw]

Feelings aside, it's best to just move on. Even if you were to get back together with her, it probably wouldn't be as strong as it was before because any feelings of anxiousness, trust or loyalty would return.