Happy birthday text after 6 months NC

[planb1973]

Last week I received a

 

"Happy late birthday, I wanted to reach out to you but thought it inappropriate on your birthday, but I have been thinking about you. Hope everything is as amazingly wonderful as you are."

 

She broke up with me 8 months ago for no reason through a text. Her friend had told me she has abandonment issues and I kept the lines of communication open for almost 2 months without begging or chasing and then I gave up.

 

It really was the most painful breakup I have had simply because it came out of absolutely nowhere. Its been 6 months of radio silence. It hurt like hell, but I did my best and took a long break from dating, traveled to Africa for a month, and re centered myself, though she still pops through my head often enough.

 

My first reaction was how dare you pretend that its ok to wish me happy birthday after the way you left me. So I waited a couple days and replied with "Thanks for the birthday wish and same to you, lots of epicly wonderfulness going on around her, hope all is well with you." She replied 10 minutes later with a bunch of question marks and a "Sounds great!" I left it at that.

 

Since then though I have gone all the way back to felling all the pain from when she ended things and it is driving me nuts. I have really worked hard to get back to being me and have even started seeing someone, though it wont ever go anywhere. But this just put me back in a bad place. Had she said "I'm sorry." I would have engaged further.

 

WTF after 6 months of silence you are going to wish me a late happy birthday!

[The Outlaw]

Best thing you can do is block her and move forward again. I get that she has abandonment issues, and the same could have been done to her, but that still doesn't make it right. She may have felt guilty.

[Beachead]

I take it this was just a venting session?

 

This is just typical. Exes who come popping back in when you least expect it, just to mess up your progress. It hooks you in, gets your mind stuck on them..you get weak, thinking that maybe it might mean something (Because they play on that hope you secretly have) and then you get your heart broken when they treat you like dirt and you realize nothing's changed. Your ego smashed to pieces realizing you got played by them again.

 

Reasons for why they do this can range from feeling guilty for hurting you during the breakup and therefore trying to right a wrong on your birthday to soothe their own conscious. Could be that their other dating prospects didn't work out and they're feeling lonely and vulnerable at the moment so they run back to something familiar and comfortable as a fall back plan. She may be testing how you feel about her to hook you in for the future just incase she needs you as a fallback.

 

Whatever the reasons are, they're likely self-serving.

 

She broke up with you and broke your heart. If you were so amazingly wonderful to her, why'd she leave like that? She owes you an explanation which to this date, she hasn't given you. Forget her.

 

Ignore it. Block her if possible.

 

- Beach

Edited May 17, 2019 by Beachead

[Marc878]

Breadcrumb, you should have blocked her

[planb1973]

I take it this was just a venting session?

 

Yes mainly just venting. I know better to engage to anything short of "I fu**** up and am sorry."

If she wants anything to do with me she will have to try a hell of a lot harder than that stupid late birthday text.

I think she was mainly checking to see if I was still mad at her. She knows she messed up, but is far to afraid of being vulnerable to own it and make amends. And her insecurities doesn't want anyone to dislike her. So she shot out a "hey look how nice I am, I remembered your birthday."

Edited May 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

I think she was mainly checking to see if I was still mad at her.

Yes, agree. And you told her that you're not (even though you actually are).

 

Best to get back to NC, and either block her number so she can't text you any more, or ignore any future messages from her. Since now you know she is not really interested in you or your life, just alleviating her own guilt.

[snowcones]

My ex did this too when we broke up previously. You simply say “Thank you” and nothing else, then you wait to see if she has anything more of substance to say. If she says nothing or only can offer a bunch of “Hi hows your day going?” Then she’s not ready to come back at you correctly so just block her then.

[Beachead]

I think she was mainly checking to see if I was still mad at her. She knows she messed up, but is far to afraid of being vulnerable to own it and make amends.

 

That's exactly what it is.

Edited May 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Darren87]

I think you need to figure out exactly what you want here. Do you want her back? If so life isn’t as simple as just getting that humble apology message before you engage with her about potentially rekindling. People are weird, all of us are. We’re not always logical & no one set solution works for all of us. I doubt many people would risk sending out a huge apology off the bat without thinking that there is a good chance that the other person will forgive them, especially after breaking up with them. She could just be easing herself into a conversation with you before she apologies, testing the waters to see if you’d accept it. By not messaging her back now it could look to her like you simply don’t care about her anymore so she isn’t going to risk embarrassment by sending the apology. Im not saying you should message her back, that’s completely down to you. What I am saying is if you want her back then it would probably be a good idea to do so. If you continue to chat & even meet up for a drink & she never does apologise then yeah I would sack her off. But there is a good chance she will. Now you can take the line of “well if she doesn’t apologise straight away then she isn’t ready”. Maybe that’s true in this case, maybe it’s not. As I said people are weird. We’re all different. To get what you want sometimes you’ve got to meet people half way even when you’re in the right, that’s just being adult.

[planb1973]

I hear what you are saying Darren87. At this point I do not know if I want her back. She ended things in a very immature way for a 37 year old and I have been down this road before. One woman a few years ago did the exact same thing. She got scared and ran breaking my heart in the process. Then a year later reached out with a "Sorry I got scared and hurt you, I am sorry." There is more to it but I was so impressed by her apology we dated again till she broke up with me 9 months later.

 

I do think that after breaking up with me she wanted me to chase her, to prove how much I loved her. I have far more self worth than to chase after something that hurts me. That is where I am stuck. She needs to do the work at this point. I would be fine with having a discussion with her. She can initiate that.

 

And for the record I have a huge heart and am capable of forgiveness, however one must have the guts to ask for it otherwise it sets the stage for a codependent relationship. Which I will not engage in.

[Beachead]

@planb1973

 

That's one good thing about experiencing different kinds of relationships..bad or good, in the past. You become more aware of the dangerous personalities or habits out there and therefore detect insincerity far better. Not to mention, you realize how much time it takes out of your life having to recover from a person screwing with you. In the end, you tolerate less bs going forward and become more more concrete about about what you want and don't. Less liable to to be pulled around.

Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

She's got some nerve. I would most likely ignore the message, but if I did reply it would be something along the lines of "Thank you for the compliment but there's nothing for you here. Have a nice life."

[planb1973]

Someone brought up a point I am curious about. What is the difference between "breadcrumbs" and "Testing the waters"

 

I know there is a difference and they could both be easily mininterpreted.

 

Had her message asked a question I could see it as testing the waters, but since it didn't I assume it to be breadcrumbs.

[Foxhall]

I kind of like Darren87's advice on this.

 

OP, I think you want her back .............

[Beachead]

Someone brought up a point I am curious about. What is the difference between "breadcrumbs" and "Testing the waters"

 

I know there is a difference and they could both be easily mininterpreted.

 

Had her message asked a question I could see it as testing the waters, but since it didn't I assume it to be breadcrumbs.

 

Breadcrumbs are basically a tool used to test the waters. The person using them have an overall objective in mind but they don't want to express it in one shot because it might kill whatever it is they want to accomplish. So instead, they lay down a trail of little pieces, one at a time, and assess how you react to each one as they lay it out. If you bite (Respond positively), they lay down another. Eventually it leads you to where they want you to be. They could be testing towards something positive or something negative. For example, testing to see if you have feelings still because they are considering getting back together with you or testing to see if they still have power over you to curb their boredom, fuel their ego, keep you as a backup. Testing to see if you are still angry at them because they want to rid their guilt. Just to name a few.

 

The danger behind these crumbs are you have absolutely no idea what it means. It arrives in a vague form such as a happy birthday text or a "Hi" for example or a missed call with no voicemail. It plays on your vulnerabilities such as your hope for reconciliation with them, and this can plant seeds in you. You start wondering about what it could mean. That grows into an obsession. Eventually you may break and contact them, only to receive a cold response or no response at all which will send you back to heartbreak.

Edited May 20, 2019 by Beachead