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Will she ever come back?


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Doughnuts28

My girlfriend and I were together for 6 years and she proposed in November last year before a big holiday. By the end of the year we had booked a venue and all the major bits, all her organising. Fast forward to April and after a row she tells me that i dont love her enough, we argue too much and that i am not happy but that she wanted me in her life. I realised she was trying to break up with me and couldnt believe it. Two hours of arguing later and she told me she had had doubts for months and that she wasnt sure she loved me anymore. I then got it out of her that she had been texting another woman for 3 weeks before it ended and they had kissed but she was married. I asked if she wanted this woman more than me and she said no and that what she wanted from me was different to what she wanted from her.

 

I left the house at this point and we met back up 2 days later. She was distraught, could not stop crying and was so apologetic. I asked if we could try, we were engaged and own a house together and she said although she knew it made sense to try she had been trying all this time and didnt think it could work. She said that i had loved her too much and been too open with her and that she needed to be on her own. She said we already knew everything about each other so how could we try again. She also said the wedding pressures had got to her and there was no longer that spark, which she had felt with the other woman. However she has since said i am her best friend and that we had more than most couples.

 

Since then we have seen each other several times and everytime she has been an emotional mess saying how sad she it. Whenever we meet up (i am living at the house, she is with a friend) she doesnt tell anyone and she is very touchy and has told me that she misses me, she will always love me and that i am coping better than her. When i suggest we try she then gets angry and pushes me away. She is also very cold over text despite saying she really wants to be friends. We have had to keep in contact to sell the house but i finally told her we cant see each other anymore or talk unless its all re the house, which she said she doesnt want. But its been a week and she hasnt really reached out.

 

Then today i see she is arranging a night out on instagram with the same group of people she spent the night with before we broke up and went out with them this weekend despite sobbing to me last week she didnt have the energy to be around people at the moment. I feel played and think there must be more to this kiss.

 

The crazy thing is that because she was so distant in the last few weeks that two weeks before she ended it, i was packed and ready to leave and she told me to stay and said how much she loved me. I was her first ever relationship and the last few months have been incredibly stressful with finances and new jobs. Could she be having a bit of a breakdown?

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Hey OP,

 

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I haven't had an opportunity to have what you had with this woman but I'll tell you this much..I know how to deal with breakups.

 

I'll give it to you straight.

 

She's on her way out. She's using "friendship" as a way to keep you around while she weens herself off of you but you two are NOT friends. Make no mistake. It's very difficult for her to cut you off immediately because of the 6 year history you two have shared but she wants to and she eventually will. If not a cut off, you two will at the very best, become so distant that you might as well stop talking and it's going to hurt you and break you.

 

in she choosing not to be with you anymore, she is choosing to be with someone else in the future..whoever it may be. That's what it comes down to. And that someone she chooses will not be cool with you sticking around. You are her ex lover..and almost ex husband. The history is heavy. He'll want you out of the picture and by then, she'll be able to do it because she would have been slowly detaching from you.

 

In the end, you're not going to have any place in her life. Don't learn this the hard way. This girl is bs'ing you.

 

By staying, and accepting this bs deal that she calls a "friendship" , you are teaching her that she can have you without having to be with you so why would she ever have to get back together with you again? She'll never have a chance to miss you. She'll never face the reality of losing you. And because you're letting her get away with this because you may have hope that you two might get back together, you devalue yourself and she'll never respect you for it. Anyone who's had their heart broken knows sticking around watching an ex move on is the most painful experience one can ever go through.

It's a raw deal. Therefore if you leave, she might be angry at you for it, but in the long run, she will respect you. And she'll have time and space to think about things and this may actually be the best chance of getting back together. It doesn't mean you two will get back together though..but it'll be you leave on your own terms with your self-respect.

 

You're still in shock and disbelief that it's truly over. The things she does over the coming weeks and months are going to hurt you and piss you off and things will get ugly between you two and that's when you'll understand why I'm telling you, You do not want to see her updates on social media either. Her at clubs or bars having a good time. You might catch a photo of her with a guy you don't know. It's going to mess you up. You are not in a place where you can be friends. It's not possible right now. Therefore pull her off of social media. You can write her number down somewhere but pull it off of your phone as well. Also bag all the gifts and what not that reminds you of her and keep it out of sight. You need to go NC and focus on yourself now. It's going to be tough journey forward but it will get better. The sooner you start..the sooner you'll get there.

 

But don't get fooled and take this friendship with her. You two are not friends.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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From what I understand you're both women. I'm not an expert in that case of relationship, but when a woman act like that.

 

Its a simple case of grass is greener on the other side but don't want to make the leap of faith. Or at least look like this from her point of view.

 

I don't want to be bad, but they're way more than just a kiss...

 

She developed feeling for the other girl first, begun to mess around, feeling guilty because she knows it's bad, Getting more distance, thought about the relationship, Pre-break-up, Mourning about the old relationship, Real break-up, Going straight to the new

 

From what i understand you're both woman. I'm not a expert in that case of relationship but when a woman act like that.

 

It an simple case of grass is greener on the other side but don't want to do the leap of faith. Or at least look like this from her point of view.

 

I don't want to be bad but there way more than just a kiss...

 

She developed feeling for the other girl first, begun to mess around, feeling guilty because she knows it's bad, Getting more distance, thought about the relationship, Pre-break-up, Mourning about the old relationship, Real break-up, Going straight to the new girl...

 

Every time it that cycle with the same order...

 

If you really want to save yourself begin the ghosting and blocking... You must distance yourself and don't look to what she doing for healing yourself

Edited by Ddog
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*Quick correction to my previous post. I made an assumption that you are a man but if you are a woman as well, the same advice still applies.

 

Don't stick around with someone who called it quits with you. Don't let them guilt you into being "friends with them." I can't stress it enough. They did what was best for them which is perfectly okay. But that also means, they'll have to understand that you have to do what's best for you. If they're not with you, then they'll be with someone else. You don't want to stick around and witness that happen. Trust me. You'd be devaluing and disrespecting yourself. So, be strong, wish them well and walk away, not to punish them or to try and win them back, but to preserve your well-being and help you get back from a break up that broke your heart.

 

- Beach

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She might come back but at that point you would have to really analyze whether you still wanted her. If she comes back it won't be for you. It will because she couldn't do better without you. That's not a ringing endorsement for happily ever after.

 

Something about this indicated to me that she was more about the wedding / the party / getting married then being married. That is backwards.

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Doughnuts28

I know that i need to keep my distance and we have been NC for a week apart from to discuss house stuff but all I can think about recently is whether more went on with this woman or not. I don't think she would of gone out with that group of people unless she knew she would be there too. I want to message her but I know I can't trust what she says anyway. Hopefully it will get easier. I just can't believe she was telling me she was happy the week before we broke up and then this.

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What I learned with those kind of woman is they are not lying when they tell you they love you and all that stuff, but they say those things in the spur of the moment more than often... So couple times after (it could be 1 day) and they already changed their mind.

 

Those kind are what we say in french "Girouette" (weathercock)

Change their interest in relationship really fast

 

The problem is those kind of behavior are invisible till it happen.

And when it happen it's to late...

 

If you try to understand what happenned you just gonna be stuck in the past and hurt yourself for no reason.

Tell yourself nothing wrong with you and you done nothing wrong in the relationship for that to happen.

It's most likely a flaw in her character...

 

For the group stuff most likely she gone if the other one is there everybody with a crush on someone will mysteriously go with the group where the crush is... But that already past so nothing to do there. Just forget

 

Ps: Best Advice : If your gut tell you not to trust her don't trust her.

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I know that i need to keep my distance and we have been NC for a week apart from to discuss house stuff but all I can think about recently is whether more went on with this woman or not. I don't think she would of gone out with that group of people unless she knew she would be there too. I want to message her but I know I can't trust what she says anyway. Hopefully it will get easier. I just can't believe she was telling me she was happy the week before we broke up and then this.

 

Like you said, could you trust her? If you go and ask her, do you feel you'd get the truth or would just spin a web of more questions, more doubts, more things to dwell on?

 

I mean, she said she loved you but now you're broken up. That L bomb was clearly impulsive. It carried an expiry date of a day so how trustworthy are her words? It's a miserable thing to accept when you were with this person for 6 years but after all that, this what she told you through her actions. When you get weak spells, those are the things that'll get you through it.

Edited by Beachead
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Doughnuts28

Thank you everyone! It's nice to get a different perspective from friends and family. I know speaking with her wont help, I never feel better for it. I know it is probably normal but I still hold out hope she will have a change of heart. I think I'll always regret her not giving me the opportunity to try and make this work and maybe get on the same page as her.

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@Doughtnuts28

 

I think I'll always regret her not giving me the opportunity to try and make this work and maybe get on the same page as her.

 

That regret is not for you to take on my friend because you did EVERYTHING you could do and she simply did not want to give it a try. Her decision..her regret to bear. Let her deal with it.

 

Remember to keep in mind, her being distraught and messed up is just her facing the reality of her decision. It's heavy, it's not easy. In the coming months, she's going to understand exactly what that decision meant via the distance and the silence between you two. Whether that returns her to you or not, what is meant to happen, will happen because now, this is a simply a matter of letting be. All you need to concentrate on is getting your head right and proceeding to move forward in your life now. It will be a difficult road so save your energy and focus for you. When you feel weak, come drop a message here on LS and we'll listen or give you a kick in the pants. Whatever you need.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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I'm sorry for your situation, but I did want to say that I find reading about f/f relationships fascinating and enlightening as a hetero man, because if we did not know you were a woman, it reads just like a man who cannot figure a woman out. I don't like to generalize, but I get the impression that women can't even figure out women!

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Doughnuts28

Thank you again for the comments. Finally deactivated social media today after her friend she is spending the weekend with kept posting how much fun they are having. I know i shouldnt care and it isnt my business but still hurts to see. Especially as she told me she wasnt even looking forward to the weekend with this friend. Guess you are right, cant trust what she says. Over a week no contact though!

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Doughnuts28

Really struggling this week. My ex is at our house for a couple days alone and i am hoping this is why. The more time i spend sounding things out with friends and reflecting when on my own, i really feel like there were times when i dropped the ball. I got so lazy and i dont think i showed her how much i loved her. I know this isnt all my fault. I just dont know whether to stick with no contact or tell her what i have been feeling. She has already said she doesnt think there is any way back which makes me think ill be wasting my time. I just really love her.

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