The girl I was dating just changed her mind about her love.

[binrob]

So I started dating this girl that I met on tinder in February. We hit it off fast and she was the first person I actually started having real feelings for since my ex broke up 4 years ago.

 

She told me she had a big crush on me and all that, and she stayed at my place a lot and she was very loving and open. I did everything for this girl, I really tried to the best I could be.

 

However when we started seeing each other she said she might leave for Australia for a year, we live in sweden. And about mid april she got the green light that she could apply for a visa.

 

About a week later my friend found her on Tinder, even though she told me she deleted the app and didnt need it now that she had me. She had pictures as recent as a week ago. I confronted her, she told me she didn't use it, that she didn't know why she downloaded it and yada yada. I didn't believe her and stopped answering and deleted her. I was devasted. About a week later she texts me that she misses me and all that. She told me she loved me, that she doesn't want to give up on us. I told her maybe it's better to end it since she is leaving anyway. But she just asked if I couldn't wait for her, it's only a year and if it's meant to be it will last.

 

Í gave in. We started talking again. Then she started becoming distant a few days later. She blamed it on work and what not. Then I asked her if she wanted to come to my place on her day off. She just said she had an appointment for fixing her "lashes" that day. Like we hadn't seen each other for over 2 weeks...

 

After that I confronted her and asked if she even had feelings anymore. She said she had lost feelings cause she knows she's leaving.... The same girl that told me she loved me and we should try and make it just a week before.

 

I don't understand how this happened. I broke contact again, told her she hurt me and she lied to me.

 

I just don't understand... why would she lie? Or why would she change her mind? How could she go from "loving" me to falling out of love in a few days? What should I do, I'm devastated.

[anika99]

Clearly whatever feelings she had or thought she had wasn't really love. Sorry you got hurt but this one isn't a keeper. She is flakey and manipulative. She chased you when you were ignoring her because her ego couldn't handle being rejected.

[d0nnivain]

It happened because she told you what you wanted to here which was not the truth. Some people will do or say anything in an effort to not be the bad guy. She doesn't like hurting people's feelings through honest words. She's nonconfrontational in that sense & hurt you through her actions because that felt emotionally easier to her.

[preraph]

Two things are at work. One is that she knows there's no point. And the other is what happens during dating. You date to get to know someone. When two people start off like gangbusters, the passion keeps it hot for awhile, but eventually, you're back to "dating" to get to know each other. At first, you don't even know each other, you're just hoping the other person is the ideal person in your head. It's not genuine. Then as a few months pass, you start realizing the person is NOT the ideal person in your head. That's what dating is for.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

I hear your pain man. The answers you seek are directly in your post. You're just in so much pain right now that you're not ready to accept it. But with time, you'll go through the grieving process and gain clarity and look back at this situation with full understanding of what happened.

 

For now, I want you to forget the "I love you." It's irrelevant. Just words. Focus on her actions instead because that's where the truth lies.

 

For starters, her feelings towards you changed very quickly. That doesn't happen with people who are in it for the long haul. And the reason for it in your case was because of Australia. She came to realize she'd be gone for a year and there'd be no way to do distance for that long without losing the passion and the interest. You'd have to really go out of your way to make it work. Something that she realized she wasn't willing to do. She didn't want to accept this truth at first because she probably liked you to some degree (Not loved) but came to her senses.

 

In conjunction with the challenge of Australia, you also caught her on Tinder which she lied about. That's 100% insincerity.

 

So, bringing this all together, her L bomb means nothing. Just words. The actions show that. It also shows, she is a reckless, impulsive immature girl. At the moment though, you are still seeing her for who you thought she was. You mourn THAT person. Not the person she is. You made the call to give her a shot and she burned you and now you're in pain, wondering how this selfish chick passed your screening protocol and now you might even be doubting your decisions. Who knows if the next might do the same right? It's tough.

 

But it's not your fault.

 

People like this have a lot of work to do before they're relationship ready and mark my words, she's going to break more hearts before she gets there. But right now, she was never in it for the long run and she obviously lacked the maturity to assess her feelings carefully and take into consideration, that someone else invested their heart into her. You do not want to be with a person like this in the long term. As crappy as it feels, you're better off and you'll realize that a year from now.

 

- Beach

Edited May 13, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

...a week later my friend found her on Tinder, even though she told me she deleted the app and didnt need it now that she had me. She had pictures as recent as a week ago. I confronted her, she told me she didn't use it, that she didn't know why she downloaded it and yada yada.

 

 

This is all you need to know to end things with any woman. Never, ever, ever take them back after a transgression like this. The women who do this are liars and flakes.

[The Outlaw]

If she were AT ALL serious about you, she still wouldn't have tinder. People as a whole are fickle, very few know what they want, or even when they want it. There could have possibly been feelings there, but even if they were, it was premature. Long lasting relationships that are meant to be take time. Easier said than done, but trust me, I learned this the hard way a few years back. Don't even jump in and develop feelings right off bat, because they may not be returned, and if it ends suddenly, with or without warning, it's going to be way harder on you than it should. You may have think you lost something, but if it wasn't ever really there, you didn't.

[Beachead]

@The Outlaw

 

I agree with this.

 

@binrob

 

What you experienced was lust. Not love.

 

Many of us misuse or misunderstand what love is. It's not an emotion. It's an act of giving without expectation. Giving things like compassion, kindness, forgiveness, understanding, patience etc. To get to that point, people need to experience life together, see eachother at their worst and get through it together. They need to communicate when there are misunderstandings to bridge discrepancies. That bond doesn't form from the good times. It forms from the bad. As they start to build a relationship history, all those loving qualities I listed above happen naturally and because of all of the love shown, the trust, respect, and loyalty will only build. 2 people who are able to do this will have a strong, healthy relationship.

 

Going forward, because there are people just like this girl out there that present a danger to our state of mind, always remember that you ARE justified to want to take a relationship slow and cautiously..and you will not be wrong for it. A good partner in my books will understand why, respect this and take it slow with you.

 

- Beach

Edited May 14, 2019 by Beachead

[ABernie]

I find the problem with the dating apps is that people are chatting with multiple people.

 

1. They will definitely have a hierarchy of how they feel about the people.

 

2. It's an ego booster when you have these people fawning all over you.

 

3. People lie

 

 

I had the same exact thing happen to me last week. We were really heading for something serious. All his words to me were in that clear direction. 2 days later he said he couldn't talk to me anymore. I did ask him why. He said a chance at a long term emotional connection came up and he wanted to give it a try. Not sure if that was the entire truth, but he I thought it was mature of him to tell me. And what are you going to do? Keep pining and annoying the person?

 

No contact makes you look more together anyway. Like they didn't matter. Which we all know makes people start the hunt again.

[gringoloco]

I find the problem with the dating apps is that people are chatting with multiple people.

 

1. They will definitely have a hierarchy of how they feel about the people.

 

2. It's an ego booster when you have these people fawning all over you.

 

3. People lie

 

 

I had the same exact thing happen to me last week. We were really heading for something serious. All his words to me were in that clear direction. 2 days later he said he couldn't talk to me anymore. I did ask him why. He said a chance at a long term emotional connection came up and he wanted to give it a try. Not sure if that was the entire truth, but he I thought it was mature of him to tell me. And what are you going to do? Keep pining and annoying the person?

 

No contact makes you look more together anyway. Like they didn't matter. Which we all know makes people start the hunt again.

 

Dating apps definitely ruined the dating game. People will meet with you, hook up with you, lead you on while still talking to other people at the same time. It’s like a giant supermarket. It’s become impossible to read into their minds and know their real intentions. Ghosting is also the way to go these days when you want to get rid of someone.

 

The no contact thing will only work if there was interest on both sides. If the other person only saw you as a hookup partner they just will never reach out anymore after dumping you

[Despr8]

Similar situation happened to me and after a 7 year relationship in the past I thought I found someone I connected with. Same thing, we hit it off and our relationship was like a wildfire. Burnt out pretty fast as well haha, lesson learned. Stop the dating apps, trust me on this. We're in a Amazon dating culture and these apps just feed to a womans hypergamist nature. Too many options no real bonds.

 

You probably dodged a bullet by not being with her. I found the girl I was dating back on Bumble were we met after a gut feeling. I called her out on it and dumped her. I don't need to be with someone who's always scouting.

[Beachead]

I'm not a fan of dating apps either for the reasons some of you on here mentioned.

 

- Beach

Edited May 14, 2019 by Beachead

[fromheart]

She's a nutter.

 

Learn to spot these people quickly, and get them out of your life.

[binrob]

Thanks for all the advice and responses. It means a lot.

 

Weird thing just happened this morning. Her best friend that still follows me on instagram commented on my story of my dog. I've only met her once briefly so we aren't even close and we have never talked before.

 

Who comments on your best friends "ex" story?

[elaine567]

Who comments on your best friends "ex" story?

 

People who enjoy a good dog story... Cute pics of the dog I guess too.

[Beachead]

Thanks for all the advice and responses. It means a lot.

 

Weird thing just happened this morning. Her best friend that still follows me on instagram commented on my story of my dog. I've only met her once briefly so we aren't even close and we have never talked before.

 

Who comments on your best friends "ex" story?

 

Someone I'd be leery of. You two will not become friends nor date. She's loyal to her friend which is your ex and that's it. It's pointless to have her on it. It'd be a safe bet to assume she may even tell your ex about what you might be up to...even if it's just a dog post. I'd take her off of instagram as well.

 

If you don't pull your ex + all the people loyal to her off of social media, they'll still have access to your life developments when they shouldn't. If this was back in days before the internet..a break up would have actually been a break up. They'd have zero access to your life and would have to call you and hope you'd answer if they wanted to find out what you were up to.

 

- Beach

Edited May 15, 2019 by Beachead

[binrob]

Someone I'd be leery of. You two will not become friends nor date. She's loyal to her friend which is your ex and that's it. It's pointless to have her on it. It'd be a safe bet to assume she may even tell your ex about what you might be up to...even if it's just a dog post. I'd take her off of instagram as well.

 

If you don't pull your ex + all the people loyal to her off of social media, they'll still have access to your life developments when they shouldn't. If this was back in days before the internet..a break up would have actually been a break up. They'd have zero access to your life and would have to call you and hope you'd answer if they wanted to find out what you were up to.

 

- Beach

 

She has a boyfriend so I'm not even expecting to date her nor do I want to be friends with her.

 

My ex is blocked and I've unfollowed her best friend. But she is still following me. Also I have a public profile on instagram so it doesn't really matter unless I block everyone she knows.

 

I just don't understand why you would basically send a DM on instagram to your best friends ex.

[Beachead]

@binrob

 

If you feel you've done all you can on regarding disconnecting from her social circle, then that's good.

 

Regarding why she messaged, only she can tell you why but in my opinion, it doesn't matter anyway. She really shouldn't be contacting you, given the break up. It's about boundaries.

 

I remember after me and my ex broke up, I blocked her and her best friend off of social media but a few weeks later through text, her best friend texted me wishing me well on a surgery I was supposed to be having the coming day. Although I appreciated the gesture, I couldn't understand the point of it.

 

I often notice weird things like this tend to happen the first few months after a break up..and then they subside altogether. Don't be too concerned about it.

 

- Beach

Edited May 15, 2019 by Beachead