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Broke no contact, now extremely paranoid and can't stop thinking of her **Updated**


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PunishedEx

Hey guys/gals, been browsing this site last 2 months since BU in March.

First relationship and first breakup, immediate post breakup was really hard but I stuck to (mostly) no contact for about a month and a half.

Still clung onto hope though, which has been a huge mistake.

 

I followed most of the rules of no contact but I forgot to block her on Instagram. I noticed she had watched some of my stories and then after a month liked one of my posts. I took this to mean more then it did. I ended up breaking no contact in a casual sort of way just to explain that there was no hatred or resentment behind the unfriending on FB and Snapchat etc. In all honesty I was expecting her to tell me what most first time dumpees hope to hear but it went how veterans of this kind of thing described. Mild polite interest from her then eventual no reply.

 

Yesterday I made a huge mistake and broke no contact again, about a week after the first time I broke it. Same result, few polite chatty messages and then an eventual abrupt end to the chatting, even though she remained online for a while after. We both know that she just flat out ignored the message/didn't want to reply. (I know we're not together anymore and therefore she doesn't owe me a reply, just sucks for me is all).

 

Since I broke NC I felt I couldn't do any more harm and checked her Twitter feed (Even bigger mistake then breaking no contact). She tweeted that she's going on a trip to meet up with a new group of friends in another country. They entered the picture about a month before she broke up with me, and there's a guy there that I know she's into and likely slept with 2 days after our breakup (Her first trip to hang out with these guys). And this time she's staying there for 2 weeks. She's a student and I know she doesn't have much money so safe assumption that she's staying in someones house for 2 whole weeks.

 

This is also pretty much how our relationship started back 8 months ago, she traveled to my country, stayed in my house for about a week and a month later we were official.

 

I'm in such a bad space now, even though it's killing me I'm obsessively checking her twitter feed for updates, I'm almost waiting for confirmation of what I pretty much already know, but also for some reason hoping that it's not true. I haven't had the courage to REALLY go no contact, permanently block her on everything, make it impossible for her to contact me. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid I'll do it, then in a moment of weakness unblock and try to readd her and look crazy. Or if I'm still clinging to the hope that she will message me in a few months full of regret (This absolutely will not happen, but accepting that has been impossible so far).

 

Something inside me WANTS to know, to see pictures of her with someone else. To confirm it for myself or something. I feel like if I block her NOT KNOWING FOR SURE will drive me even more crazy, I won't be able to stop wondering and assuming and trying to figure it out. I honestly feel trapped and I just don't know what to do eugh.

 

"Just stop thinking about her" doesn't work for me, I have huge exams and deadlines coming up in college so I can't go out and get my mind of things, I have to just sit in my bedroom on the computer, in the room we used to share when she was over. When you're studying your mind will do anything to distract you and having a look at what she tweeted is so tempting, you feel like you can't study until you check.

 

Most everyone that knows me and the relationship agrees that I was a pretty good boyfriend, she even acknowledged it, claiming that she was "just bad at relationships, you're a great guy and I'll probably regret this one day". Near the end she treated me pretty poorly, lied to me a lot, never made time for me, hung out with a guy that attempted to sleep with her while we were in a relationship and didn't tell me until I spotted him in one of her snapchat stories. Despite all this, it being my first relationship and breakup, I find it really hard to let go of her entirely.

 

I don't think I could ever forgive her really, and if she asked for me back I don't think I would let myself. But at the same time I still want to have her come back, to not really be moving on so quickly, to not be enjoying herself while I'm stuck in a feedback loop, thinking of her all day and the only distraction from it is a lot of study that I can never really focus on.

 

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a vent session. But the question is, How do I stop WANTING to know what she's up to? I'll probably be proven wrong but not knowing for sure if she's starting a new relationship so soon seems worse then knowing it for sure

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Everyone has their breaking point at which NC becomes not only the best course of action, but a necessity to save your mental health. I'm not sure if you've reached yours yet. Everyone also has something that helps them to stay NC and it's different for everyone. For me, I didn't want to give my ex the satisfaction of knowing that I was pining for him. Someone on my thread used the term "woman of mystery" and that was hugely helpful to think of myself that way. I wanted him to wonder if I had moved on or forgotten about him. Have you ever heard of the saying "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

 

NC is like breaking an addiction. It is really hard at first because you crave that contact with the person. At first, you might try to actually contact them. When you're able to not do that, you'll still look for ways to keep in contact with them, like by looking at their social media or asking their friends about them, etc. Each of these is a "hit" and makes you feel better for a small period of time. Until it becomes clear that doing these things aren't going to get you back together with them and will only drive them further away. Then you feel worse and your self esteem gets lower and lower.

 

The only thing I can tell you is that if you want this woman to look at you with respect and to think of you positively (which is, of course, the only way someone would want to get back together with you), YOU HAVE TO STOP CONTACT OF ALL KIND. Start small. Tell yourself that you won't talk to her or look at her Twitter or whatever for today. Or maybe for the next hour if that's too hard. Don't focus on thinking that she's out of your life forever or something like that. That's too hard in the beginning. Just think that you won't do it today. It is going to suck and most of us on here understand because we've all done it. It sucks for the first few weeks/months.

 

But, NC WORKS. I promise. It will help you to move on. Do whatever you need to do to get off her social media. Think about it: she is out living her life and having fun while you are obsessively stalking her social media. You are wasting your life on someone that can't even do something so small like respond to a message.

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PunishedEx

Thank you nolanola :)

 

Starting small is pretty much the best advice right now. I had read that breaking up is like breaking an addiction but I don't think I realized the extent of that until I've experienced it. And I had a good 42 days of total no contact immediately post BU. But then a like appeared on one of my instagram photos, and the day after that my friends kicked her from a group chat she was in. This is why I broke no contact initially, I was worried that she would think I hated her and was bad mouthing her to my friends.

 

I have a serious problem of overthinking things. I had been going strong until I had been studying for a few hours and for no real reason checked one of she "Twitch stream" broadcasts (basically a recording of her playing games and talking to friends a few days ago). It was very strange in that she was playing games she only ever played when we were together, and she was listening to music I introduced her to. One of her friends during the broadcast even asked her "Why don't you play this game?" and she replied really hesitantly "I want to but I don't know anyone that plays this game. The only person I know that plays it is, eh, my e-ex". It all seemed very strange and I took it that she was missing me.

 

Unfortunately I feel like she has a lot of issues when it comes to guys relating to her self esteem (Im not sure why, shes insanely pretty). One night not long before the breakup and after a lot of drinks she even flat out told me "I kinda like it when guys fob me off" (Like be dismissive, don't reply to her/don't express an interest in her). But once she knows someone cares for her she honestly just gets bored of them. In the short 8 months that I'd known her she had been involved with, and then totally disconnected from 3 different groups of "close friends" (Including me and my friends).

 

I've totally gone against that now, breaking NC, replying a bunch right away, saying I'd like it if we could play games. Going back to NC is my only option, and I'm done reaching out now, it really will never go well. But now she's sure that I'm just waiting around for her to message me and I hate that. I was weak and she knows it. About 20 minutes after she didn't reply I even "accidentally" sent a message to her that was meant for someone else while she was online, and still she didn't reply. It just all seems so pathetic and transparent from me.

 

Sorry, I'm venting a bit again. Your advice is great. I'm going to restart No Contact. I just need to take it slow, control the impulses in the moment until they pass. Any time I've check her social media I've never felt good. The biggest fear is when I'm going into no contact I'm falsely thinking "She'll fold one day and message me and miss me" but I'm afraid 3 or 4 months down the line into NC I'll take a peep at her instagram and see she's been in a relationship for 3 of those months, and I had just been a fool during that time. But maybe if I make it that far I really won't care by then. That's all I can bet on right now :/

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PunishedEx

I made a post a few days ago about reaching out and getting ignored. Moment of weakness because I noticed something that made me (falsely) think she was missing me.

 

After 2 days she replied with nothing really of substance. Just politely answering me. (Context is in my other post).

 

I'm in a weird situation, rough time in my life, I'm just stuck doing exams and don't have much time or opportunities to get my mind off her so moving on is taking a lot of time. (BU was in late March)

 

I'm still stuck with hope but I'm very aware it's not going to happen. I'm sure i can move on eventually but like I said, all I have to think about right now is either exams or family issues, no time to enjoy myself so I find myself just thinking about the previous 8 good months we had together.

 

Was in NC for about 40+ days, was doing okay but when exams rolled up I started checking her twitter and social media. Noticed she was tweeting old things that she started saying out of habit from talking to me (Just silly slang things that she picked up during our relationship). Took this as "She's thinking about me", even though I've seen her flirting with other guys on twitter too, and she's flying to stay a week with what I expect will be her new boyfriend soon.

 

BU was on good terms but I said something like "I don't think I'd be strong enough to be friends with someone I still care about so I'm going to have to remove you from FB, SC etc. but hopefully we can be friends again one day". I broke no contact honestly in the hopes that she'd want to talk to me again and see about trying things again, but it's clear now she's just sort of thinking "I guess he's over it and we can be friends now like he said".

 

I know I NEED to go back to no contact, full REAL no contact, and move on for good. I'm accepting that now. But I also don't want to seem pathetic or let her know that me reaching out was trying to see if she wanted to reconcile. I added her back on Steam (a games platform) and said we should play some games sometime and she seemed like she wanted to (maybe she was just being polite though).

 

I could be wrong, but after her trip next week I would be really surprised if I didn't hear that she's started a new relationship with that guy and I don't want to have any contact or even know when that happens.

 

Yesterday when I broke NC I said things like "I'm over the breakup, we should play some games sometime" (Hoping to get some sort of reaction, I hate playing these mind games but during our relationship she said she is attracted to guys that don't "Go after her/Chase her", that's why she liked me initially, so I thought that'd illicit some kind of readable reaction if she had been missing me. It didn't).

 

I feel like I'm sorta stuck being her friend again now. I really hate being mean or coming across as an ******* so I don't want to just unfriend her without explanation, but I'd honestly to too embarrassed to say "I'm sorry, even after 2 months I'm still not over you, even though I said I was. I need to remove you again".

 

I know the best advice is just "Do it for yourself, remove her and never look back". While I was writing this post she replied again with just something about Game of Thrones, I feel compelled to reply since it was me that started the conversation but I also just want to start moving on. At the same time I can't help feeling that I REALLY miss her and just want to pretend like it used to be and chat to her.

 

I can't figure out what I'm thinking. Maybe I'm just using these threads to journal or vent my thoughts (Hope that's not breaking forum rules, I always appreciate sober feedback)

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TheFinalWord

When you go no contact, it is for your health. You are overly worried about how she is going to perceive you, which is the wrong mindset for NC.

 

I didn't get time to read all the details, but the problem with looking at her twitter and her other social media is you start constructing stories from disparate bits of information. The truth is, you don't really know what's going on in her life. But the natural default is to make it all about how great her dating life is now, which leads to you wanting her more.

 

The last thing you need to do is game with her or be on any of her social media. That's really all the direction you need. You're still looking for ways to convert this into a reconciliation, when there isn't one anywhere on the horizon.

 

What was the reason for the break up?

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Im sorry to tell you this, but she's probably already sleeping with him and had him lined up before the break up. She may have been sleeping with him before the break up.

 

To be honest, she doesn't sound like someone worth thinking about.

 

Yeah, I know you have golden memories. But a break up is also a time to see the other side of a person. That coldness she's giving you now, is who she actually is.

 

Would you give a second date to someone acting this way? No. Remind yourself that now you really know her. Then ask yourself if this is who you want in your life. This is one of the quickest ways to get over someone.

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PunishedEx

@fromheart

 

No need to apologize, unfortunately I'm already pretty certain. 2 days after the breakup she went on a trip to visit him and his friends and a tweet went up on her twitter of a selfie with her and him. One of their friends commented "Shagger" on the selfie, received a lot of likes from people, including both him and her. So I can say with decent certainty she slept with him and had him lined up while we were together. (My paranoia and suspicions about this trip in particular caused a fight which caused the BU)

 

The frustrating thing is I know she's not really a good person, I was bending over backwards to try fix the relationship before the end. her last visit I paid for her flights over and back, and then she wanted to stay a little longer so I bought more flights. She got a cold when she was here and I was running around making lemsips for her and just sitting next to her while she slept incase she needed anything. She said she had a great trip and I was an wonderful boyfriend and she really enjoyed her trip with me, then when she got home she barely spoke to me on FB, and would just hang out with that guy and his friends. After the breakup she even revealed "Since I got home I felt like I was just throwing your a message every now and then to keep you happy"

 

It's frustrating because I know I deserve better, and I don't really like the person she REALLY is, but I have so many other bad things going on in my life right now I just end up reminiscing on the previous few months with her and start to want that again. I know I can never have that again after knowing the true her. It's a fantasy to go back to the good times. But for some reason still knowing all this, seeing her with the other guy, knowing that he's now living the good times I had a few months ago, and she's super happy now and probably loving him as much as she used to love me, it just sucks.

 

I'm just caught in a loop, understanding and knowing how bad for me she is and how ABSOLUTELY over it is forever, for some reason doesn't change what I want or feel. I guess it's also because she was my first real romance and at the height of it we were VERY into each other.

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TeddyPSmith

I feel for you man. I went through all of the same emotions. Not my first breakup but the first one after an 8 year marriage. My ex treated me in a similar way near the end and also said I was a great guy. She seemed to get over me so quickly.

 

Like you I stalked her social media and she eventually posted a pic with her new boyfriend, a guy she worked with. I suspect they were kindling something while she broke up with me or before.

 

Its been 15 months and im still not over her (please dont take that to heart. it doesnt take everyone this long). It does get easier though. Ive read so many books, been in therapy, and mainly spiraled out of control (dont do that part!). But the things thats helped me the absolute most are time and meditation. If you can start a practice of meditation, I think it could really help. I use the Waking Up app. It's not monumental all at one time but over time, you gain profound insights into things. They come in very short bursts but they are salient.

 

Also, posting on these sites and reddit (breakup and exnocontact), reading stories, and relating to others is immensely helpful.

 

She may come back one day. She may not. But sadly, your goal is to shrink the large cavern that shes left in your heart until your life has meaning without her. Someone can then come along and grow that "cavern" again.

 

I wish you all the best, friend. These are some of the hardest lessons in life. Overcoming this will likely give you tremendous strength in the future and also give you a baseline of what to expect with other breakups. If you can make it though this one, you will know you can make it through another.

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PunishedEx

TheFinalWord

 

No Contact needs to be for me, but I'm unfortunately horribly sentimental when it comes to people and losing them. So I've just been struggling, since this is my first real breakup, to let go entirely and forever.

I'm going to avoid gaming with her for sure. I really doubt she would actually want to anyway, I suspect she was just being polite. And I don't want to check her social media (I keep saying I'll never do it again but at some point when Im stressed about life and reminiscing about the good times I have this extreme urge to just do it and I usually fold :( )

 

Leaving out a lot of detail to summarize the relationship and breakup (From what I believe at least):

 

The relationship was Long Distance, so needed a lot of work. From meeting her until about 6 months she was almost obsessive about me. Should would fly over about every 2 weeks. We got to the "I love you" way too early, about 2 months in. She told me she doesn't think about any other guys but me anymore.

I was worried it was moving too intensely so I could at times seem less interested, but I really did care for her, I just wasn't at the same 'I'm certain we'll be together forever and ever' stage"

 

In brief there was an incident where I had to cancel a trip last minute and she was upset by it. Then a few weeks later I went to visit her and we had a drunken fight (nothing major) and the trip was somewhat boring. After this I noticed she was far less interested in me. I confronted her about it nicely and she said "I was hurt by the canceled trip and distanced myself to protect myself, and I think I distanced myself too much". She said she'd work on it and we'd both make an effort but she didn't really. Then we had a BIG fight about it because she wasn't trying. After that there was a "break" and then she wanted to "try again". One more trip, she really enjoyed herself but after went back to barely acknowledging me (I'm pretty sure she was interested in another guy at this point). Another big fight and she broke up with me. Cried about it, said she "Stilled loved" me and might "regret this in a month", but Im pretty sure 2 days after she slept with the guy I had been suspicious of.

 

She told me once that she likes it when guys "Fob her off" or "ignore her", I'm pretty sure she has self esteem issues and once she knows someone likes her she loses interest.

 

I guess that wasn't very brief so I'll do a tl;dr

 

TL;DR: MAIN REASON: She got bored of me. She came on strong, thought the world of me. 6 months on, few incidents, boring trips and a drunken fight and she basically went from "I love you" to "I just throw you the odd message to keep you happy". She has a history of jumping friend groups a lot, and hooking up with guys. I was the first "serious" BF since her teens. She often has "best friends" that are strangers to her within the year, at least from what I've heard from one or two of these old best friends

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Breaking nc just resets the clock over and over again.

 

You keep living on hopium and making contact you'll just keep yourself in this.

 

She is who she is you can't change that. All you're doing is causing yourself constant dissapointment.

 

This is getting you what?

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PunishedEx

@TeddyPSmith

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through that. After an 8 year marriage that's gotta be so much tougher. Thanks for the reply, I always find it comforting to know that there are other people that are feelings or have felt like I am right now, that I'm not alone at what feels like the loneliest time, even though I wish that hadn't happened to you.

 

My struggle with getting over her I believe is mainly rooted in just my current situation. Atmosphere of family issues and heavy exams make it tough to not clock out and just think of the good times with her. I'm sure when these things are resolved and I can start living again I will begin to heal.

 

Meditation sounds like really solid advice. I need to learn self discipline and control my thoughts. I often give in and spent time in what seems like harmless recollection of the good times. But then 40 minutes will pass and I'll notice I'm still thinking these things and I'm in a bad headspace.

 

I have found posting on these sites to be a good relief. My friends and family are great at being there for me. But they often tire of hearing about it, and can get frustrated. I have a habit of arguing them into saying what I want them to say; like "She'll come back", "You'll be together again", "She can't not realize her mistake". And when they don't I get frustrated and leave. These sites give far more sobering and experienced replies.

 

I have learned plenty of lessons, and been able to honestly reflect on the mistakes I made along the way, of which there were plenty.

Thank you for the kind words and advice, I wish you the best in your journey :)

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PunishedEx

@Marc878

 

I know and agree, the hope is the most devastating thing.

 

What has been the most frustrating thing is that I know all these things, but can't feel them (Although I'm starting to).

She HAS moved on, she DOESN'T enjoy talking to me, she HAS a new guy-of-interest/soon-to-be-boyfriend, she IS okay with the breakup and IS glad it's over.

 

And she treated me pretty much like dirt near the end. All my friends and even her to some extent acknowledge this. But when I get in a rut and think back to the nice days and nights we spent it's easy to convince yourself that THAT image of her is who she is, even though she's proven that it's not.

 

She messaged me earlier today and I just didn't respond, and I don't intend to ever again. I had made it 40+ days NC before. And after breaking it and realizing nothing good is to come of it and how heavily it's affected me, I think I'll be too afraid to ever do so again.

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TheFinalWord

I understand friend. It's hard and I'm sorry this had to happen.

 

To be honest, I don't think this was really anyone's fault. LDRs are pretty much doomed to fail if there is not a plan to eventually close the distance. But the problem is it gets really hard to get to know someone from a distance like that. You really need to have an extended visit for a few weeks/month to determine compatibility.

 

It also sounds like it came on fast, and fizzled fast. This is what happens when there isn't a slow, consistent relationship that develops. It probably felt forced because of the distance. She sounds young too and women in those age ranges fall in and out of "love" every few months. Most of them get obsessed with the early honeymoon stage and once the newness wears off, and you get into the daily routine stage, the emotional rush is over and they lose interest. I doubt it's anything to do with you.

 

You also don't know about her sleeping with another guy, but either way you never get the truth with these things so it's better just to not think about it and try to move on. Better to write here in a journal or something than to contact her.

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If your going through family issues, a tough time, you can only select friends and a partner who's in your corner.

 

The rest have to go. A woman who treats you badly and lines up the next bang, has to go. She's heading nowhere, unless she changes she'll be one miserable 40/50 something. I've seen former pretty b*tch queens fall, its not so pretty.

 

You must kick out the people who are not compatible with the struggles you face. Better to go it alone, than have someone like that in your life.

 

As I said, that coldness is who she is. Remind yourself of that. She's been nice some of the time, but you deserve and need a partner who's loving all of the time.

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It doesn't make you mean or bad to disconnect from an EX on social media. In contrast it makes you naïve & masochistic to think you are required to stay connected.

 

Just unfriend / unfollow her. If you see her in person be polite but that is all that is required post break up. To sit there & look at the life an EX is living without you is just torturing yourself. Stop.

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I think you’re over analyzing her too much, which leads you to breaking NC.

 

This why you have to stop doing anything that contains her even thoughts.

 

NC isn’t just fighting yourself to not contact her.

 

One of my exes for 3 1/2 years. Lookswise she was 10/10... still is! We lived together for 3 years, and about a year and a half with her parents. After breaking up and 3 weeks of doing dumb **** that smartest thing her father told me was “there is no where written in any book, that you two are suppose to be together forever, go do the things you like (he named them), it’s not the end of the world”... he said it cause he cared about me.

 

It’s true, really go focus on yourself, and if a thought comes about her control that thought into “she will see who’s she’s missing out on!”... down the line she won’t be in your thoughts cause YOU won’t be missing out on things you like to do.

 

There’s no man, no woman, that can explain why she does what she does.

She can’t even explain it her self.

 

Start NC again, but this time focus more on you.

 

You can read my thread with a baby mama at that. Since our break up 4 months almost, I got a BMW, lost about 20 pounds, got a new place, 50/50 with the kid, and I still don’t want contact with her. First week I couldn’t eat or sleep.

 

Anyway, become someone she can’t have again. Think it in the shower, before bed, when you wake up, whenever you think of her.

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Think of it like this.

 

Why would you give control over to someone that's harmful to you?

 

You are the only one that can do that.

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A lot of your thoughts are normal after being cheated on and dumped. Just stay away from the social media and don't ever reach out to her again. Blocking and deleting would be best since you seem to give in to urges.

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PunishedEx

Thanks you all for the replies.

It really helps. I'm finding it hard to lean on my support network as a lot of my family are focused on my dad and his health issues, and my breakup stuff is making it harder for them.

 

And my friends were unfortunatley friends with her, and now all hate her due to what happened between us. I'm afraid they would actively contact her or interfear with the breakup situation, which I don't want. I don't hate her, even though maybe I should, I do actually feel sorry for her. I'm not sure if she's capable of sustaining relationships, friend or otherwise, with people for any length of time. Apparantly I was unusual that she liked me for as long as she did, many that knew her expected I would have been dropped months prior.

 

Like I mentioned, things were okay enough post breakup, I could go hng out, play games, went on a trip with friends. But as my father's health has deteriorated and my exams are currently ongoing, I'm struggling not to check her snapchat (my brother still has her on it and I've started taking a look when he goes to bed :( . I don't feel good about it).

 

She's currently visiting the new group of friends, it seems identical to how our first meeting started. And since the snapchats dissappear after 24 hours the fear of "missing" a snap is making it even harder not to break and check. I know I NEVER feel better after checking, and it only does immeasurable harm to me. But there's only so long I can spend walking the dog or at the gym before I have to come home and sit in my room and face massive amounts of study that I'm honestly too afraid to even do at this point.

 

I really do appricciate all the replies I've gotten and I'm tryong to take the advice on board. I just wish I even knew what I wanted. I don't think I could ever take her back now (even though I know that won't happen, like all the other times she's done this, she never bothers to think about the people she's left behind, she just finds new people). When I watch her snapchats it's like I'm wathhing the start of my relationship with her, but I'm not there this time.

 

I think the fear I have of letting her go entirely relates to the fact that then I have nothing left in my life but my family issues and my college issues. And I'm afraid to face up to them. I wasn't particularly happy for the final few months of the relationship, I don't think we were wholly compatible. It's so frustrating because even knowing this, I still can't let her go. Eugh

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PunishedEx

@TheFinalWord

 

Thank you. LDRs are hard and we knew it. And for most of it we were making every effort. She would come over and stay usual 1-2 weeks each month. She was in college with only 1 module so had the spare time to do it. The REAL kick in the nuts is I managed to get her a pretty good IT job in a friend's place. Bought her clothes for the interviews, made her CV, coached her through it. She really wanted to move over to my country, said she always has even before meeting me. And 2 Days after the breakup she got accepted, but she thought it'd be too weird and decided against accepting the offer. I had a big confrontation because of how she'd been acting and she broke up with me, 2 days later and she got the offer. I knew before I confronted her I said "If I do this she will break up with me, can't I just leave well enough alone?" but decided I had to.

 

Maybe it was for the best but it's so hard not to wonder now. If I had chilled, waited for the job acceptance, maybe we could have fixed our issues if it wasn't LDR anymore. Probably not honestly but it's such a killer that we could have maybe tried a normal relationship for a while, living in the same city.

 

She's young (22), so I suppose it was unlikely it was to last. Its just such a crazy role reversal. She was totally "in love" with me from the get go, and I was more cautiously warming to her. My feelings built over time,until I knew I did actually really like her, but it seems that was the exact moment she lost the interest. Early in the relationship she asked me "Would you ever lie to me? I would never lie to you" and I answered "Honestly there might be times I'll lie to you". Like an idiot I was thinking small things like saying Im too tired to play a game with her when I actually just want to keep watching a TV show, or something innocuous. I would have never lied to her about my feelings, or attempting to cheat on her. Ironically she lied to me a bunch near the end. One day I even said to her "LDRs are hard work and communication is really important. Do you think our relationship has started to fizzle out?" and she replied "Of course not, I still love you. I don't see a problem at all :)". 2 weeks later she broke up with me and said "The last few weeks I was just throwing you messages to keep you happy. I didn't want to admit it was fizzing out".

So frustrating. And now I'm here feeling lame and she's literally getting to relive all those good memories we had with a new bunch of guys. They even seem more compatible with her, they are all big competitive gamers, same as her. I more just play as a way to hang out with friends. I'm happy for her I guess but it sucks that her time with me will probably seem boring in comparison now. And she's more likely to maintain these friends now. I'm happy she's happy, but hard not to feel like your life is boring in comparison now. She's having way more fun with these people, and I'm having ko fun struggling with exams and family health issues. It's like an extra kick when you're down

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PunishedEx

@d0nnivain

 

I know, that's the most frustrating thing :(

 

I was fine before I started watching her stuff again. But I have no ability to distract myself atm. I'm stuck in the bedroom that we shared for months studying. I can't ggo hang out with friends or watch TV shows because I have to study. And all it takes is half a second of weakness to just type in her twitter handle and I'm back ruining my mood.

 

Im surrounded by constant reminder of her (my bedroom) and I'm always at a PC (I have to be for my college work). I feel like I'm trying to quit smoking with a pack of cigarettes duck taped to my hand and I'm forced to sit in a cigar lounge.

 

When I'm walking the dog or at the gym I'm fine but eventually I gotta go home and sit back in my room at the pc. It's brutal right now, and I know she's essentially repeating how she started the relationship with me, but wihh a new bunch of people. This is fine obviously, she can do what she wants. But it just makes the urge to see how it's going, if it really is what I know it is, so much more intense. I've NEVER felt better, I've ALWAYS felt worse after checking. I'm so aware of this, but the urge is near constant. I guess I have very low self control. As I wrote this on my phone I'm just sitting out in my garden at 2am because I'm afraid to go back to my pc honestly :(

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TheFinalWord

Don't tell yourself there is some magic combination of words or actions that would have changed things. There wasn't. She wasn't perfect, and you still wanted her. It's just the nature of women in this age range. LDR does make things harder, but all it did was delay the inevitable. Just being honest here so you stop beating yourself up.

 

I know it's easy to let your mind wonder in that direction about the new men she is dating and seeing. But the truth is you never really know. She obviously doesn't have that great of relationship skills. The black pill truth is women are in the peak, sexually, between 20-24. They do have a lot more options than men. Men peak between 30-36 (usually). These same girls blowing you off now, will banging your door down if you focus on your career. If it were me, and I could redo things, I wouldn't even think about a LDR until I was 30. Focus on your career and building yourself up. Women in their 20s are fickle and in an age of unfettered hypergamy are all over the place. Your chances of her committing to you (one exception maybe if you had kids together, which forces people to mature 10x faster), are slim to none. Women in their 20s are at their peak and they are constantly wondering if they can do better (the nature of hypergamy). That's why they "fall out of love" so quick. It's an endless cycle until they hit the epiphany stage and want to cash out of the sexual market place. At that point, the power dynamic swings back in men's favor. But the outcome here has nothing to do with you. It's her nature as a woman in her peak market value coupled with the unfettered hypergamous society we have created.

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OP, I hope this doesn't sound mean. But you're exactly the same as everyone else on here: none of us want to lose our exes from our lives. We all have the impulses to break NC and have to fight it. It's when you try to find excuses for why you can be different that you get in trouble. There's no shortcut to healing from getting your heart broken, unfortunately. NC, in my opinion, is a necessity. There may be instances where someone is completely over their ex that they can be in intermittent contact and be "friends". But, be honest...you're not over her. So, by definition, you cannot be "friends" with her. You want to have contact with her so that you don't "lose" her and you don't have to go through the pain of that. But she's already gone. That's the reality. You cannot change that by sending her random messages or by checking in on her social media. It is the reality that you guys broke up and she is in some ways moving on.

 

Lots of people on here have challenges to going NC - they work with their ex, they are still married to their ex, etc. It can be done in any situation. The first thing you HAVE to do is stop looking at her social media. You are poisoning your mind with what you think is going on. You have no idea what she's doing or why. You're making assumptions based on what you see. This is a self defeating spiral. You have to break it to free yourself.

 

Tell yourself that you won't check her social media for an hour, then do it for another hour. Eventually, you'll reach one day without looking. Then you can do it again. Alcoholics say "one day at a time". What that means is that they don't think "I will never, ever drink again". What they think instead is "I won't drink today". It can even be "I won't drink for the next 10 minutes" if that's what it has to be. That is how an addict deals with an addiction. And right now, you're an addict. You need to stop. An addict would not sit down with a bottle of booze and tell it they're stopping. They just do it. And that's what you need to do. Just stop. I doubt, at least in the beginning, she will even notice. Maybe after some time. But she's doing her life and not worrying about what you're doing. If she was, she would let you know in some way.

 

If you want to contact her or check her social media, come on here instead and post something and someone will talk you out of it. I was in an LDR too and had my heart broken about 6 months ago. I have struggled with staying NC and have peaked at his new girlfriend's facebook a few times. So I understand. But since I have been NC, I feel SO much better. I'm also just off Facebook totally and I feel so much better about that too. NC worked in my last relationship too.

 

If you like podcasts or youtube, you might want to check out "The Art of Love" podcast or on youtube. She's really good at explaining why and how you need to go NC. That might be better to spend your time on when you're temped to check her Twitter.

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No Contact is a tool for healing. It's not a weapon. If that is how it's perceived by the other person, that's their problem, not yours. Your job is to help YOU move forward. In the end, it will help the other person as well even if they don't realize it.

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PunishedEx

Man I sorta feel guilty now. I think just the last few days, with the pressures unrelated to the breakup, and then my breaking of the no contact and checking her social media just sent me into a spiral for a few days. This site and all the awesome and kind replies have helped immensely. You guys should be paid. I wish I could give back in some way and help others but I don't feel like I have enough real experience or correct insights to give others (yet).

 

Last few days I hit the gym hard, been hanging out with friends, and have been trying to take all your advice to heart, and I feel so much better. I really shouldn't have been complaining so much. On reflection for a first breakup I've gotten off pretty light. It was long distance so I have no risk of running into her or any real reason to be in contact with her, a relatively short relationship (8 months) and there were compatibility issues between us I sorta knew from the start. It has taught me a lot about how your mind can really be ruled by emotions if you let it.

 

@TheFinalWord

Your last reply seemed to help me a lot. I'm at a time in my life where I have to be getting my **** together and career on track. Made me realize that for sure this relationship wasn't going to last. She was a very attractive girl that was very much into gaming, any time we played a game together and people realized she was a girl she was swamped with friend requests and guys trying to chat her up. It just wasn't really a situation where I was likely to have the kind of relationship I wanted. Maybe the hardest part is her choosing me made me feel different, better then the other guys. She even mentioned that's why she liked me initially (I always hated how these gamer dudes act when they see a girl so when she first showed up I just treated her like any other dude. Never gave her any special attention or made a big deal about her being a girl. Unusual in "Gamer bro" circles).

I think remembering that this relationship was pretty much doomed from the start (Unfortunately) makes it easier to let go of the "What if's" that have been plaguing me the last few days.

 

 

@nolanola

No it doesn't sound mean at all. I sort of feel bad now, like I said above, all things considered it should be one of the "easier" first breakups you could ask for. Short relationship, compatibility issues I had been aware of early on, and that it was long distance so we're not likely to accidentally encounter each other. Should make NC a lot easier. Few days ago when I made the post I was in a pretty bad spot with everything. Felt more trapped then I had ever before, and it was reaffirmation after a month and a half apart that she wasn't looking to try things again.

I can't really drop Facebook unfortunately but I have unfriended her and removed her from my search list so I can't find her. At the very least breaking NC has taught me how destructive doing so can be.

And I will for sure take a listen to that podcast! Thank you :)

 

@Redhead14

This is much clearer to me now that I've broken NC. I had been using it for the wrong reasons (Hopeful she'd contact me), but I'm now far more aware that it's a terrible idea to think like that. Resuming it now with JUST me in mind ;)

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