Gingerbaker Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Hi; Y’all can read my thread for last year. Since then we’ve had no contact and I’m feeling a lot better about letting the relationship go. Randomly had a text from her the other week; a lot of feelings came flooding back of course - she said she’s forgiven and forgotten about the post breakup dramas and that she’d let me know when she’s free for a catch up drink. I don’t expect her to do so, but if she does I’m in two minds about seeing her - on the one hand it would be nice to catch up; on the other; I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. I still care about her of course and I don’t want to lose contact forever; but I think there’s a lot of unresolved stuff between us and I don’t know how to deal with that - clearly she’s more than just a friend I haven’t seen since September or so; there’s a huge elephant in the room and I don’t know how to address it. Any advice or tips appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 We regret more in life the things we don't do. They also leave nagging "what if?" questions. If she reaches out, put her off for a bit then agree to the drink on your terms. Gently ask whatever you want to know but assume she won't have the words to make you understand or make you feel better. At least you won't be left wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gingerbaker Posted May 10, 2019 Author Share Posted May 10, 2019 I don’t have anything to ask I think what I learned was that whatever closure I wanted had to come from me; and I’m pretty much there. I’m just feeling a bit strange about it, is all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 You need to ask yourself if those issues actually need to be resolved. If you think about it hard enough, chances are the answer will be "no, they don't need to be resolved". You guys are broken up, you have no intention of having any more than a simple, shallow relationship with her and, IME, resolving issues just drags up new ones... My ex-wife shot me an email awhile back (we need an avenue of contact because of the house) stating she needed "emotional closure". It was a very polite and heartfelt email but I responded with "Thanks, take care of yourself". We have a mountain of "unresolved issues" but I have no intention of going through them with her as it serves no purpose and things will get nasty. On the rare occasion that one of those issues has affected me, I've worked it out on my own or with the help of a therapist. The past is dead and.. "Sometimes, dead is better.." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 You said you had unresolved stuff. Thus thought you wanted to work with her to resolve it. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 I don’t have anything to ask I think what I learned was that whatever closure I wanted had to come from me; and I’m pretty much there. I’m just feeling a bit strange about it, is all. Kudos for coming to this realization. I can relate; it is a strange feeling as it's natural to want to "go to the source" (i.e. your ex) and get that closure. But, IMO, that's nothing more than society romanticizing the end of relationships. Television and movies are filled with these dramatic scenes of long lost lovers coming together and finding peace with one another which, IMO, is garbage. Break ups suck, break ups hurt and it's because one or both parties have hurt each other. IMO, trying to find "closure" through an ex is akin to picking at a scab again and again, putting ointment on it and waiting for it to scar over. Instead of just letting the wound heal on its own. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Think it's kind of a paradox. If you're really over her then it's safe to have whatever conversation. But, if you're really over her you genuinely have no need to. Ask yourself where your head is at. Link to post Share on other sites
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