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Dumped last Monday, really about the reasoning


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Hey guys, I was dumped by my girlfriend last Monday and I'm still feeling really confused by it all so I'm hoping someone can help me understand.

 

We were together for six months, and overall it went really great until the end. This was my third relationship and honestly I've never loved anyone the way I love her. We were really attracted to each other, had a lot of fun on dates, talked for hours in person and on the phone every day.

 

We had some issues at months 3-4 as she wanted me to meet her parents and there was a lot of anxiety around that, and she broke up with me briefly as a result in March, but I convinced her to come back and the parents thing went well. Our parents met up and liked each other. This was about a month ago. After that we were really lovey-dovey for a few weeks before she finally dumped me last Monday.

 

There were some warning signs. I felt nervous that she had commitment issues after she broke up with me in March but I thought that would resolve when she saw that our parents get along. And for about a week before she dumped me, she'd say stuff like she still feels anxious about our relationship, she's not sure about our future, she loves me so much but she's not sure if she can continue, etc. I'd try to reassure her, listen to her, explore her thoughts with her, but being dumped still came as a shock.

 

After she dumped me I asked her if she stopped loving me and she said no, she loves me as much as she ever did. I asked her if she wants to try dating other guys or if she's not sure I'm the one and she said its not that, she just feels she isn't as commited as me and we are too different in that sense. She said the stress was overwhelming her and she's just not ready to be in a relationship, and that being in a relationship is too much for her, and that she worries a lot about the future and things like engagement (which I have never pushed for) and moving out of her parents' place scares her. She said that she's not sure why but she needs time alone.

 

I was really stressed after this, had nausea, headaches, cramps etc. all the time and couldn't sleep at all, and just felt extremely low. Unfortunately, I contacted her last Friday asking her how she was and she said she felt much better and less anxious and she still wants to be friends, and she misses me and her feelings haven't changed. I told her that literally just 2 weeks ago she said things like "I need to hear your voice", "I can't wait till our next date", "lets spend the day together" and that I have trouble accepting that things just changed, and she said it was all true and she still feels the same way, but she needs to be alone. She said she wants me to move on and find someone amazing, and she's going to try to get over me, and she's better off now because she's stress-free. I agreed to remain friends and asked her to let me know if she changes her mind, but I haven't contacted her since (and I don't plan to).

 

I can't stop thinking about our break-up. I would accept it if she said she no longer loves me but I don't get her reason for dumping me and it just seems like such a cruel thing to do which is really unlike her. Am I missing something? Why did she break up with me? Did I do something wrong? Is there any chance of us getting back together in the future?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

She may have just decided she doesn't want to be in a relationship because the responsibility of it stresses her out (like she said). Or her parents didn't like you or didn't like your parents. Or, she really has lost interest/feelings and is too fearful of hurting your feelings to tell you.

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Not all relationships work out for whatever reason.

 

You have zero control over her feelings.

 

Like most you chased just delaying the inevitable.

 

Stop projecting. I love her so she must love me too thing. She doesn't. Her actions say so. Of course you don't want to believe her so you're keeping yourself tied up in this.

 

That serves no purpose.

 

Stop wasting your time and cut all contact. Staying friends is a weak move and just keeps you bound up in this.

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She may have just decided she doesn't want to be in a relationship because the responsibility of it stresses her out (like she said). Or her parents didn't like you or didn't like your parents. Or, she really has lost interest/feelings and is too fearful of hurting your feelings to tell you.

 

 

She was really happy that her parents liked me after we met, and her parents were shocked when she dumped me. She's usually brutally honest, and I did ask her repeatedly whether she really honestly still loved me, and she was adamant that she did. I'm guessing she just finds being in a relationship stressful. I don't know.

 

 

 

Not all relationships work out for whatever reason.

 

You have zero control over her feelings.

 

Like most you chased just delaying the inevitable.

 

Stop projecting. I love her so she must love me too thing. She doesn't. Her actions say so. Of course you don't want to believe her so you're keeping yourself tied up in this.

 

That serves no purpose.

 

Stop wasting your time and cut all contact. Staying friends is a weak move and just keeps you bound up in this.

 

 

You're probably right - if she truly does love me she would fight for me and want to be with me. I really do want to move on and don't plan on contacting her again. I just wish I could stop thinking about her.

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TheFinalWord

When she said you are too different, what is she referring too? You aren't really giving us a lot of information about what she was so anxious about. What are the differences that raised her anxiety?

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In my opinion usually a person still hasn't really found themselves if they are still living at home with their parents. I just think before anyone commits to another person they need to be out on her own for a year or two and discover who they are without having that constant influence around them of another person.

 

I think she needs to move out of her parents house and be gone for at least a year or two and become the person she's destined to be before she makes a commitment which she is clearly not ready for.

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When she said you are too different, what is she referring too? You aren't really giving us a lot of information about what she was so anxious about. What are the differences that raised her anxiety?

 

 

Regarding our differences she only said she thinks I'm more committed than her, she feels I want to settle and I'm ready while she isn't. I don't really get it as I was only interested in dating for now, and only she ever really pushed for getting engaged in the near future, so this left me bewildered tbh. She didn't really mention any other differences that bothered her.

 

When I asked her why she felt anxious she said "its not you, its being in a relationship", "I think about the future too much, engagement and moving out". Beyond that, I have no idea tbh. I felt like her reasons for breaking up were really vague/confusing.

 

 

 

In my opinion usually a person still hasn't really found themselves if they are still living at home with their parents. I just think before anyone commits to another person they need to be out on her own for a year or two and discover who they are without having that constant influence around them of another person.

 

I think she needs to move out of her parents house and be gone for at least a year or two and become the person she's destined to be before she makes a commitment which she is clearly not ready for.

 

 

In our culture (we are middle-eastern although we both live in the UK) it can be unusual to move out before getting married, especially for the woman. So I don't think she'll ever really move out before marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

Coincidentally, she actually texted me this evening with "I know I probably shouldn’t be talking to you but I want you to know that I really miss you", "And I’ve been thinking about you a lot", "I just really wanted to hear from you". This made me feel really anxious and sick again, it feels like just messing with my head. I replied asking for us not to contact each other and to leave each other alone unless she actually changes her mind about me. I've deleted her number, texts, everything.

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She's just alleviating her own guilt.

 

I'm telling you, culture or not, people don't become whole adults until they are out on their own making all their own decisions and bill payments. I'd be looking for someone you didn't have to gamble with that they may still be young and unwise.

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TheFinalWord

Something you have to realize about women: they're hypergamous. That means they are seeking to secure the highest quality male that their sexual market place value will allow. When women are young, they are in their prime looks-wise (the main factor that attracts men) and they are uncertain if they can do better.

 

It's not usually until 27-30 that women enter the epiphany stage. Where they realize they are going to begin losing their looks advantage in the sexual market place to younger, more attractive women and they seek to "cash out" of the dating market.

 

These age ranges are generalizations, but for the most part hold true. This uncertainty can cause them to stress when they are in a relationship and still in their prime looks-wise. Could they acquire a higher value male? If you want to read more, I recommend Rollo Tomassi's book, The Rational Male: Preventive Medicine.

 

Your response to her reaching out was perfect. Don't allow her to put you on the backburner while she sorts out her hypergamy. If you still want her, all you can do is focusing on becoming the best possible version of yourself and becoming her best option.

Edited by TheFinalWord
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ExpatInItaly
You're probably right - if she truly does love me she would fight for me and want to be with me. I really do want to move on and don't plan on contacting her again. I just wish I could stop thinking about her.

 

Exactly this.

 

She doesn't love you the way you love her, or you wouldn't be broken up. She sounds young and inexperienced with commitment. You mentioned she is afraid of moving out of her parents' house, and she flip-flops on her feelings - that suggests to me she is still learning about life and relationships. How old are you both?

 

One day you will stop thinking about her like this. It will take time, but you will get there.

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elaine567

She likely sees in your eyes a path that is mapped out for her, a slippery slope that will result in marriage and kids and she doesn't want that.

She probably feels she is not nearly ready for that, or she feels she can "do better".

Her parents maybe influenced her. "He is a nice guy, BUT..." or the parents thing spooked her out, it got a lot more serious than she was prepared for. Her parents liked you, your parents liked her, it was all set up for a perfect union. It was all too much for her and so she slammed on the brakes...

 

You will get over her.

ATM I guess she misses you but does not want to get back with you, it is a common situation. The dumper wants to make the transition to singlehood less painful for themselves by keeping in touch but it is hell for the dumpee.

NC is your best friend.

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Exactly this.

 

She doesn't love you the way you love her, or you wouldn't be broken up. She sounds young and inexperienced with commitment. You mentioned she is afraid of moving out of her parents' house, and she flip-flops on her feelings - that suggests to me she is still learning about life and relationships. How old are you both?

 

One day you will stop thinking about her like this. It will take time, but you will get there.

 

 

She's 24 (and has had two previous relationships), and I'm 29. She does seem confused, which is something I'm not interested in dealing with.

 

 

 

She likely sees in your eyes a path that is mapped out for her, a slippery slope that will result in marriage and kids and she doesn't want that.

She probably feels she is not nearly ready for that, or she feels she can "do better".

Her parents maybe influenced her. "He is a nice guy, BUT..." or the parents thing spooked her out, it got a lot more serious than she was prepared for. Her parents liked you, your parents liked her, it was all set up for a perfect union. It was all too much for her and so she slammed on the brakes...

 

You will get over her.

ATM I guess she misses you but does not want to get back with you, it is a common situation. The dumper wants to make the transition to singlehood less painful for themselves by keeping in touch but it is hell for the dumpee.

NC is your best friend.

 

 

 

Yeah, I want to stay NC. I don't know if she thinks she can do better or she just got scared. I'm tired of caring, she can figure out what she wants on her own. Her texting me last night really set me back. I just want to get over her and feel better.

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elaine567

24 to 29 does not seem a big gap but it is.

Many women at 24 are just getting into their stride, the world is opening up for them and they get more confident as regards what they want out of life. It is prime time for GIGS too, the world is her oyster and the last thing she wants is to be tied down to a man...

At 29, you are gearing up to find a wife...

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It may help to try and figure out your role in the relationship, as in, where you being too needy? Too available? Too submissive? Were you pushing the relationship and trying to tie her down? All these behaviors demonstrate low value as a man, and will eventually cause a woman to lose attraction for you.

 

A higher-value man has abundant dating options, so he does not display these behaviors. I'm not going into some "alpha/beta" dichotomy but the hard truth is that women are more attracted to men with alpha traits. Women are the more attracted and satisfied in a relationship where the man maintains the edge in the power dynamic, where she is pursuing him and the relationship more than he is. Now, he has to do his part, as making her do all the chasing and pursuing will cause her to lose interest and give up if gets little or nothing in return, and it can be a different balancing act with different women (more emotionally needy women will need their men to be more reciprocal), but it's the basic frame of a relationship you should be striving for in the future.

 

Men who call all the time, text all the time, make themselves available for hour-long phone calls each night, will slowly but surely become less interesting to women. Women DO NOT want to be a man's focus, purpose, and mission in life. This is repulsive to them.

 

The best way to demonstrate emotional strength, abundant options, and higher value as a man is to maintain NC. Work on improving yourself and improving your options. If she calls again, decide then. But don't wait for her call.

Edited by rjc149
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24 to 29 does not seem a big gap but it is.

Many women at 24 are just getting into their stride, the world is opening up for them and they get more confident as regards what they want out of life. It is prime time for GIGS too, the world is her oyster and the last thing she wants is to be tied down to a man...

At 29, you are gearing up to find a wife...

 

 

My previous ex was about 5 years younger too and we didn't have any of these issues. And her ex was much older than me and age apparently wasn't an issue. I dunno, I guess she's at a stage where she needs to figure things out. Fair enough.

 

 

 

It may help to try and figure out your role in the relationship, as in, where you being too needy? Too available? Too submissive? Were you pushing the relationship and trying to tie her down? All these behaviors demonstrate low value as a man, and will eventually cause a woman to lose attraction for you.

 

A higher-value man has abundant dating options, so he does not display these behaviors. I'm not going into some "alpha/beta" dichotomy but the hard truth is that women are more attracted to men with alpha traits. Women are the more attracted and satisfied in a relationship where the man maintains the edge in the power dynamic, where she is pursuing him and the relationship more than he is. Now, he has to do his part, as making her do all the chasing and pursuing will cause her to lose interest and give up if gets little or nothing in return, and it can be a different balancing act with different women (more emotionally needy women will need their men to be more reciprocal), but it's the basic frame of a relationship you should be striving for in the future.

 

Men who call all the time, text all the time, make themselves available for hour-long phone calls each night, will slowly but surely become less interesting to women. Women DO NOT want to be a man's focus, purpose, and mission in life. This is repulsive to them.

 

The best way to demonstrate emotional strength, abundant options, and higher value as a man is to maintain NC. Work on improving yourself and improving your options. If she calls again, decide then. But don't wait for her call.

 

 

 

I'm quite independent but I did try to be there for her when she needed to talk. I'm not submissive or needy in relationships but I believe its important to have the other's happiness as a high priority. I don't feel I pressured her in any way - on the contrary, she's the one that brought up things like engagement and meeting her parents. I do try hard for those I love and it just makes me happy being like that. This power stuff puts me off. Tbh I just want to be myself, and if I have to behave differently to keep someone with me I'd rather not be with that person. I'll maintain NC either way, for my own mental health and to improve myself and help myself move on. But in the future, if someone shows signs they aren't sure they want me, I'll take that as a red flag.

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This power stuff puts me off. Tbh I just want to be myself, and if I have to behave differently to keep someone with me I'd rather not be with that person. I'll maintain NC either way, for my own mental health and to improve myself and help myself move on. But in the future, if someone shows signs they aren't sure they want me, I'll take that as a red flag.

 

I hear you man, and agree. At the end of the day, you want to be with someone who doesn't require you to fundamentally change who you are.

 

However, I would advise you to see change as something positive, as a way to improve and grow and become a more attractive, desirable man. Someone here brought up that women are hypergamous, meaning they always seek to level up in their mating options. The good thing is that men's dating market value is dictated not just by looks, like women, but things he can actively change and improve. He can actively raise his dating market value as time goes on, whereas women need to come to terms with the slow decline of their physical appeal and act accordingly.

 

Maintaining a relationship takes some growth, some improvement, and some practice. They take some work. Successful relationships don't simply fall into place.

 

Best regards, and I hope you're doing okay.

Edited by rjc149
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In my opinion usually a person still hasn't really found themselves if they are still living at home with their parents. I just think before anyone commits to another person they need to be out on her own for a year or two and discover who they are without having that constant influence around them of another person.

 

I think she needs to move out of her parents house and be gone for at least a year or two and become the person she's destined to be before she makes a commitment which she is clearly not ready for.

 

I totally agree. I been in this situation before with ex. My ex was currently living w her brother and she was so stress out that she end the relationship. When we talked she told me she not ready for a relationship and she stress out of moving out her brother house, furture more, she didnt have a job. We been together for 4 years.

 

No matter how hard you try to fine the answer you want to hear. IT NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. You can't make someone to be w you when they arent ready. They can give ypu all the BS reason but it might be the true might not.

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she actually texted me this evening with "I know I probably shouldn’t be talking to you but I want you to know that I really miss you", "And I’ve been thinking about you a lot", "I just really wanted to hear from you". This made me feel really anxious and sick again, it feels like just messing with my head. I replied asking for us not to contact each other and to leave each other alone unless she actually changes her mind about me. I've deleted her number, texts, everything.

 

No contact means no contact. This required no response.

 

All you did was reset the clock.

 

Learn to ignore if you want to move on.

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In my opinion usually a person still hasn't really found themselves if they are still living at home with their parents. I just think before anyone commits to another person they need to be out on her own for a year or two and discover who they are without having that constant influence around them of another person.

 

I think she needs to move out of her parents house and be gone for at least a year or two and become the person she's destined to be before she makes a commitment which she is clearly not ready for.

 

Couldn't agree more. I'm actually surprised that kind of "striking it out alone" thing isn't baked into our every day culture. I can't imagine going from living with my parents to moving in with a romantic partner. No wonder a lot of women end up feeling like their partners mothers. They've never had to do for themselves!

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