I want to tell my now happy ex that he ruined my life

[suckered]

I was with someone for 2 years (living together for 1.5 years). We were heading towards marriage. I had a chronic illness that I tried to hide from him. The reason was that whenever I felt unwell, he seemed annoyed and like I had to make him feel better and entertain him to make him feel OK about me being ill. At the same time, he claimed to love me.

 

Towards the end of our relationship, I told him the full extent of my illness, even though at the time I was in remission. He told me that if he marries me, he doesn't want to become my carer and that I would have to sign a pre-marital contract agreeing that if I got sick, he has no responsibility to take care of me in any way. I couldn't stop crying, I was so hurt. He told me that I am such a downer and then dumped me. Since we lived together in his house, he just came from work one day and told me to move out in 2 hours (from what was now also my home). It was brutal.

 

This was 6 years ago. Since then, he has met someone and is now happily married. The relationship was so traumatic for me that I have never been able to become close to anyone again. I stayed in remission and have climbed up a career ladder but otherwise live a reclusive life.

 

I would like to contact him and write him an email to make him feel some guilt and put a dent in his perfect life. He ruined mine. I am 40 and will never have children or a family.

 

Bad idea? I don't care if I come across as crazy. I want him to feel some negative emotion. He has now ridden into the sunset.........and I am stuck, without a chance of a family in this lifetime.

[Wallysbears]

I'm so sorry. Don't write the letter to give to him though. Write it if it will provide you closure, but do not send it to him.

 

He won't care.

 

 

Can you speak to (or are you speaking to) a therapist?

[mark clemson]

Agree with WB's advice above on the letter.

 

I am 40 and will never have children or a family.

 

Possibly this doesn't have to be, though. Go to a counselor to get yourself into a place where you can love someone. It's often possible to get pregnant over 40 (unless there are other issues), although it's definitely riskier.

 

Not to be unkind after what you've been through. But in a way aren't you keeping yourself stuck with this? Something to consider.

 

Hope you are able to find some closure and possibly even to move on.

[Veronica73]

I’m sorry he did that to you. But he didn’t ruin your life. And no, don’t write that letter.

[preraph]

Good grief, why? So you can more fully humiliate yourself to this uncaring irresponsible d-bag? He doesn't CARE. You can't make him care. He probably doesn't have the capacity to care OR love. He probably only pursues women for sex. Don't give him your last shred of dignity! Your goal should have been realized by now and that goal is for you to not care what he's doing or who with because he's an unfeeling unempathetic piece of crap! Your goal is to stop following what he's going through either gossip or social media, for whatever self-punishing reason you do it, and detach. This is within your power. What you think and feel is all between your two ears and is completely within your own control. YOU decide when you're tired of being miserable and you stop.

[elaine567]

I know you want him to feel some hurt, but truth is he won't.

Its six years ago, he has moved on.

From what you write he was never the most sensitive of guys anyway.

I guess, he will not care a damn.

Sorry!

 

Don't waste another second on this guy.

It is your life it is up to you to make the best of it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know you want him to feel some hurt, but truth is he won't.

Its six years ago, he has moved on.

From what you write he was never the most sensitive of guys anyway.

I guess, he will not care a damn.

 

Agree.

 

What happens if he writes you back and ridicules you for still being hung up on it 6 years later? That would make you feel even worse.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you!

[d0nnivain]

Nothing you can say or do to him will make him feel guilty about how he treated you. Only people with a conscience can feel guilt. He clearly is a callous unfeeling individual.

 

The best you can do is hope karma catches up to him.

 

For now, find a way to release the negativity you feel about it. What you are doing is drinking emotional poison & expecting him to die. It doesn't work like that. Living your own life to the fullest is your best revenge. Take steps to make peace with your body & your past. The build the best life you can for yourself.

[Whodatdog]

He did not ruin your life. He's not responsible for what you did with your life since the break up. If anything, he did you a huge favor...could he have been a bigger jerk? You should feel grateful and thank your lucky stars he broke it off with you.

[TheFinalWord]

Sorry you for so hurt. We could break down what went wrong with this relationship (living together after 6 months), but it doesn't really matter at this point.

 

Writing this letter is not going to make him feel bad. He seemed like a jerk while he was with you and at the peak of his interest in you. He will care even less years later and with another person.

 

You do bring up a good point that a lot of young women are afraid to break up and move on when they are young and in their prime. Instead of wasting time partying it up and sticking with loser guys that don't want a family or marriage. Break up and find a guy that wants the same things, doesn't treat you like crap, before you end up getting hurt to the point you have a lot of emotional scars. Focus on this when you are young and in your prime and can attract a high quality guy.

[TooBad]

Yes, it is a bad idea. Other than that, I'm not inlcined to browse through your posting history, but if I was in a relationship with someone and she was hiding an illness from me and then suddenly drops that on me, I would feel stabbed in the back.

[darkmoon]

unless you take responsibility for where you are now, you will keep on making the same mistake

[Highndry]

Seeking retribution is rarely a wise or fulfilling endeavor. I am sorry you're hurting, but I think the best move would be to find a counselor who can help you get over this anger and stop thinking about him and move forward with your life.

[FMW]

I agree with others, telling him your thoughts and feelings will not "put a dent" in his happy life or make him feel guilty. From what you wrote in this post, and in your posts from early posts, I think you made a lucky escape when he ended your relationship.

 

Contacting him is NOT the answer and might even make you feel worse.

 

Have you tried counseling? Only you have the power to get yourself unstuck and maybe counseling can help give you the tools to do that.

[vla1120]

You can write the letter, just to help get your feelings on paper, but don't send it. Keep it to look back on when you're having feelings of one sort or another about that relationship.

 

I am glad to hear you are in remission. In the future, I would recommend telling someone about your health issues in the beginning, after a couple dates and when it looks like things could advance to the next level. The exact thing you were worried about (abandonment) is what happened, but you were far more invested in the relationship than you would have been had you told him in the beginning. He did you a favor by leaving.

 

Finally, it was six years ago. You need to slam the door on that and look forward to the future. You are definitely NOT too old to have a family/children, but you need to expel him from your mind and heart to make room for someone else.

[BC1980]

Like everyone else said, don't send him a letter. You want him to feel bad about what happened, but he won't. Honestly, you will just validate to him that he made the right decision to break up with you. At the very most, he might feel pity for you.

 

A better use of time would be to work on yourself and figure out why you are angry after 6 years. Blaming him for ruining your life is not a healthy way to think. I would suggest therapy because 6 years is a long time up still be this angry about a breakup. I think you also need help working on your feelings about having children and the anger you feel about that. I hope you can find your way and move on from this.

[Orokotikki]

Write it and go somewhere peaceful and burn it.

 

I am sure it feels like 'he ruined your life' but from what you wrote, I am sure I am not the only one who thinks he did you a favor and that you dodged a huge bullet. What kind of self involved jerk would want to pre-weasel out of marriage vows and still go through with it?

 

Ick. It sucks that you don't have the marriage partner you deserve to rely on, but I think you are much better off relying on yourself, than with someone who you could only maybe rely on, or on rely on them except when it matters most.

 

Kind prayers to you.

[amaysngrace]

Next time you meet someone and decide that you aren’t able to be completely honest or be able to open yourself up to them, leave.

 

Don’t waste time with someone you don’t fully trust to accept you as you are.

 

You need to trust your instincts especially since they seem to be spot on.

[Blanco]

You can't make someone care or feel bad if it's just not in them. You mentioned in another thread that you cheated on a long-term boyfriend and didn't, even in retrospect, really feel that bad about it. From what you said about this other guy in your OP, I would think he probably feels similarly about what he did to you.

 

So while you might find catharsis in telling him these things, you have to understand it's unlikely to move the needle much at all in terms of how he feels about what happened.

[preraph]

He'd just be thinking, Glad I got away from that crazy woman when I did because she's really gone off the rails now. Don't humiliate yourself trying to change someone who has no capacity for deep feelings.

[Redhead14]

You need to really reflect on what this guy said and did. You saw who he really was! Good lord. You would be more miserable than you are now if you two had stayed together.

 

You need to kick yourself in your rear end! There is only one thing that would have been worse than being with this guy . . . being with that guy plus one more day. Don't waste another minute of your mental and emotional life on this guy. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you. Get a grip and start focusing on some positive things and making more positive things happen in your life.