Broke up over me having an old gf I talked to in the PAST

[Search4twinflame]

Ok, so I found someone recently that I had an AMAZING connection with. Let's call her "truelove" so we don't confuse exes. However, she had SERIOUS issues with me bringing up anything about her or my past relating to exes. It frustrated me, because I feel a part of getting to FULLY know a person is knowing ALL they have been through in the past, which inevitably includes exes.

 

 

 

To make it worse, after I thought we moved past all that and things were going great, out of nowhere, she decided to bring up an ex of mine. Let's call that ex "insane1." She instigated a huge fight over insane1 that led to us eventually breaking up. Here is her problem...

 

 

Insane1 and I have children. I never planned to have children with insane1, but she took it upon herself to come off birth control when she was afraid I was going to break up with her. Truelove still said it was my choice to have kids with insane1 despite that, because "I knew that could've happened." So, even though I thought insane1 was on birth control and she lied to me about it, apparently it is "my fault" that I got her pregnant.

 

 

So anyway, insane1 RUINED my life. Because of her, I am going through a custody battle with my children, I lost almost everything I owned three and a half years ago because of her, and overall she completely ruined me because she has SERIOUS psychological issues (bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, one of her personalities is a narcissistic sociopath, etc.).

 

 

After I broke up with insane1 three and a half years ago, I didn't talk to her for at least a year and a half. I focused on healing myself and learning to forgive her (as she is so mentally disturbed that she never consciously intended to ruin me - I don't think). Since a couple years ago or so, I would talk to her from time to time, just to be friendly for the sake of the children we share and out of feeling bad that she has NO friends (when people find out how crazy she is, they NEVER stick around). I am talking it is so bad that the person insane1 kept calling her "best friend" didn't even include her as one of her bridesmaids at her wedding! For the better part of the last couple years though, I did not talk to her, as she would always give me some reason to cut her off here and there (asking me to take her back despite me setting boundaries regarding NOT doing that, lashing out at me and saying hateful things, etc.)

 

So, three and a half years and I NEVER took insane1 back. After that last breakup with her 3.5 years ago, I made it clear to her that I would NEVER take her back. She has still wanted me back since then, but I have made it clear that will NEVER happen. Truelove says that is me "leading on that other ex because of talking to her" and that it was wrong of me to do.

 

 

To make matters worse, insane1 is with a guy now who is VERY abusive. She brings my sons around it, and I am seriously worried about the damage he will do to them with how abusive he is (I have seen videos of him being abusive to insane1, so I know she isn't lying about it). Because of that and the fact that I am a very forgiving person, I was trying to help insane1 get away from him. I was NOT giving her money, just being supportive of her getting away from that situation and looking every once in a rare while for apartments in the area she was looking to live. I didn't want my kids around that monster, and since I failed to help insane1 from herself, I figured I could at least try to help her now, as I love to help others and feel I failed her miserably when she begged me time and time again to "not give up on her."

 

 

Again, it has been 3.5yrs since I was with insane1. Nothing more than conversations here and there over the last year. Up until I met truelove, I talked to her maybe once a day or so, if that. Many calls and texts I would ignore, but I was there from time to time. To truelove, that is unacceptable. She doesn't understand why i would help insane1 like that and has it set in her mind that I was leading insane1 on.

 

 

 

Truelove let me know days into us dating that it bothered her that I talked to insane1. Her beliefs are that "if you were EVER attracted to someone of the opposite sex, it is impossible for you to be 'just friends' with them ever." I tried to explain to her that my attraction to people is directly connected to their personality and the chemistry and that as such, I have NO attraction to insane1 anymore and it was purely just me trying to help her. Truelove just refuses to accept that and says my actions were "unacceptable" and that she can't handle it.

 

 

Since I knew it bothered truelove, I immediately stopped talking to insane1. Even though I did that as a clear gesture that truelove was my priority and that insane1 meant nothing to me, she STILL kept bringing insane1 up over and over. She would criticize me for it, berate me, accuse me of lying and having "other intentions" there, sometimes saying "did you like the attention of insane1 wanting you back? did you like leading her on? did that make you feel good?" Some of the things she would accuse me of were absolutely horrible, as she knows I am simply a caring, giving person, but just won't believe it when it comes to insane1 because it was not something she ever would've done.

 

 

 

Even after over a MONTH of me not talking to insane1, it still continued and eventually broke us up because I couldn't deal with the criticism anymore. I felt she was obsessing over my past and as such, wasn't appreciative of the fact that I chose her and wanted her as my present and future. I felt like it was OCD on truelove's part, but I got yelled at when I told her that, even though I was just trying to be helpful by making her aware of something she was clearly struggling with.

 

 

 

While there were some other issues, the main reason we broke up is because she couldn't "accept" me having tried to help insane1. I just don't understand it? I tried to ask her numerous questions to understand her thoughts on it better, but I just don't understand what goes through her head that convinces herself that once you are attracted to someone, you are ALWAYS attracted to someone after that if you keep talking to them? It makes NO sense to me.

 

 

People who share children almost always talk to some extent. Where truelove brings up the issue though is "what me and insane1 were talking about," and how I was trying to help her get away from a guy who will eventually abuse my children too.

 

 

Can anyone help me understand what might be going through her head? She made me feel HORRIBLE for having tried to help insane1. She took the WORST relationship I EVER had in my life, and used it as a reason to pick one fight after another with me until it destroyed us. So, she basically let insane1 ruin my life yet again.

 

 

I don't care to EVER talk to insane1 after this again, but I STILL don't feel I did anything wrong here. Regardless, I would appreciate it if someone could help put into perspective what might be going through truelove's head that made her decide to ruin us over an ex that I have not been with for over 3.5 years? I am so heartbroken, but no matter what I do, she just keeps saying "she can't accept what I was doing for insane1."

 

 

 

If you feel there is anything I might be able to say or to in order to convince truelove that it shouldn't matter, I would be forever grateful. I tried to show her links to what she is dealing with (retroactive jealousy), but she seems to filter out anything that shows her what she is doing is unreasonable. Even her mom and best friend told her it is ridiculous, but she just won't listen to anyone. She is obsessed with thinking about it, and I don't know what I could say or do (if anything) to fix it? From what I understand and from what her mom has told her in the past, this is something she typically does (comes up with even the smallest, pettiest reasons to push men away). So, it is not just me, but I am hoping to be the one to break the cycle. Please help

[darkmoon]

Once there are kids, an ex has a long-term hold on a dad (e.g. regular financial help, terrible teen years to share) and truelove knows this, plenty of women know this, truelove admits clearly that she "can't handle it" and nor could I. Not condoning her anger, but you get the picture...

 

Tell me though - How did you get to canvas the mother and best friend's opinions? Did you phone them? And do you think the 3 of you ignoring her pain is a good idea? I do not!

 

Making a fuss (flowers every week, maybe a new frock...) of her rather than pointing out psychology that makes her wrong might be the start of winning her back. But so far, your lack of loyalty (3 against 1) would have me running for the hills.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[Search4twinflame]

Once there are kids, an ex has a long-term hold on a dad (e.g. regular financial help, terrible teen years to share) and truelove knows this, plenty of women know this, truelove admits clearly that she "can't handle it" and nor could I. Not condoning her anger, but you get the picture...

She has children too, so on her end, it is hypocritical to turn it into an issue when she has the same thing to deal with

 

Tell me though - How did you get to canvas the mother and best friend's opinions? Did you phone them? And do you think the 3 of you ignoring her pain is a good idea? I do not!

 

 

I got their opinions because her best friend heard the issue while she was at work one day (they work together) and told her she was being ridiculous. Then, on another occasion, her mother was right there with her when she picked a fight about it on another occasion. I never asked for their opinions - she told me their opinions.

 

And I NEVER ignored her pain. I tried to reassure her time and time again that my past didn't matter, that she was my future, that I love her, etc. No matter what I said, I was still judged, criticized, etc.

 

Making a fuss (flowers every week, maybe a new frock...) of her rather than pointing out psychology that makes her wrong might be the start of winning her back.

 

Already sent her flowers, sent her some little "thinking of you" trinkets through the mail, and I have done several other things as well to show her how much I love her. She is talking to me at this point still, but she keeps saying my ex is something she "can't accept." I know there is still hope though, as I already know that when she is done with someone, she cuts off communication 100%.

 

In addition, pointing out an issue is the only way you can FIX an issue! What did you expect me to do, just keep acting like her getting jealous over me having exes is ok? NO ONE is going to deal with being criticized nearly daily over having exes (there were other arguments over other exes as well). So sure, hearing you have a problem sucks. However, what is worse is having a problem and NOT being aware you have a problem. My only other option was to just walk away from the relationship. However, with how much her and I have in common and how much more chemistry we have than anyone in my past (by far), I do not want to give up yet.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[d0nnivain]

Sorry but rename truelove, insane2 & re-read your post. You are required to interact with the mother of your children. Anyone who doesn't understand that is not a suitable companion for you. Next.

 

Your picker is off. Work on that before you get in another relationship.

[FMW]

Sounds like you've done all you can.

 

If truelove can't handle your interactions with insane1 then I don't really see how that can be fixed. Insane1 will always be in your life because you share children and as long as your children are in the home with her you need to be aware and involved as needed to protect them.

[mark clemson]

From what you yourself wrote (quoted below), I agree with what the wise dalmatian said.

 

You may not want to hear this, but it sounds like you loved two women with apparent personality disorders. It sounds like the common denominator may be that you are attracted to complicated women. WAY complicated.

 

I'm going to guess that you yourself have issues or are at least a co-dependent type and are working on ways to become less so. If so, continuing that process is probably the best way to avoid this kind of thing in the future.

 

You don't want to lose truelove, but I actually do think she's insane2 and you should allow your feelings for her to fade to make room for something healthier.

 

Sorry if this isn't something you wanted to hear.

 

 

she had SERIOUS issues with me bringing up anything about her or my past relating to exes.

 

out of nowhere, she decided to bring up an ex of mine. Let's call that ex "insane1." She instigated a huge fight over insane1 that led to us eventually breaking up.<snip>

Edited May 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Search4twinflame]

Sorry but rename truelove, insane2 & re-read your post. You are required to interact with the mother of your children. Anyone who doesn't understand that is not a suitable companion for you. Next.

 

Your picker is off. Work on that before you get in another relationship.

 

 

Thank you for your feedback, and I already know I do have a problem with picking the wrong women. The problem is despite being an extremely analytical person, I can't figure out why. Even after talking to a psychologist weekly for a few months, even THEY couldn't figure out why, other than that since I am a very loving and giving person, sociopaths target me.

 

 

 

But anyway, truelove's issue wasn't so much me keeping in touch with insane1, but *what* me and insane1 would talk about. She felt the only reason you should talk to your exes is purely to speak about the children. What bothered her so much is that I was friendly with insane1 in regards to letting her vent to me about her current abusive situation and trying to escape it.

 

 

 

Even though I always made it clear to insane1 we were NEVER getting back together and would even cut her off for months at a time when she would try to cross those boundaries, truelove still felt it was wrong of me to speak to insane1 about any topic other than the children.

 

I would understand if I kept speaking to the ex after she told me it bothered her. However, as soon as she said it bothered her, I cut insane1 off immediately. That wasn't good enough for truelove though. She still kept bringing it up and trying to make me feel bad for "leading insane1 on" and for "crossing a boundary with insane1 that is unacceptable."

[Search4twinflame]

From what you yourself wrote (quoted below), I agree with what the wise dalmatian said.

 

You may not want to hear this, but it sounds like you loved two women with apparent personality disorders. It sounds like the common denominator may be that you are attracted to complicated women. WAY complicated.

 

I'm going to guess that you yourself have issues or are at least a co-dependent type and are working on ways to become less so. If so, continuing that process is probably the best way to avoid this kind of thing in the future.

 

You don't want to lose truelove, but I actually do think she's insane2 and you should allow your feelings for her to fade to make room for something healthier.

 

Sorry if this isn't something you wanted to hear.

 

 

No apologies needed. I appreciate the honest feedback. And yes, I like complicated, but I always seem to choose the wrong "complicated." I myself am very unique, but not in a way where I have any psychological issues beyond mild depression. Two different psychologists came to that same conclusion over the years (utilized counseling after the really bad breakup with insane1). I need the type of woman that thinks "outside the box." But sadly, from my experience, most are unique not simply because they choose to be, but because there is mentally something wrong with them.

 

Not codependent in the least. The best my psychologist could guess after months was that I need to be less trusting in the beginning with people and not let them into my heart so quickly. However, telling someone to "love less" is far easier said than done.

 

 

 

My problem is I am 100% honest right from the start, because I feel honesty and communication is the foundation of any successful, lasting relationship. The down side of that is that I know I can be naive and I just assume that others are being honest with me right from the start too. In my experience, this rarely seems to be the case. I've had some lie because of things they were ashamed of, things they weren't ready to talk about yet (I ask a lot of questions to get to know someone), or simply because they want to portray a certain image they know I want.

 

 

For some reason, truelove has been intimidated by insane1 right from the start. Despite my relationship with insane1 being toxic and literally one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, she still has serious insecurities about it. But, I guess there really isn't much I can do about that.

[preraph]

First, you should always use your own birth control if you are not actively trying to have children. Just for the future. Don't EVER trust anyone else with it. Even if they are not doing it on purpose, accidents happen.

 

This new woman sees what a quagmire this is and doesn't want any part of it. You have kids with this nut and this nut has an abusive man around the kids now. This is not something most people will want to be in the middle of and have to deal with even peripherally.

[Search4twinflame]

First, you should always use your own birth control if you are not actively trying to have children. Just for the future. Don't EVER trust anyone else with it. Even if they are not doing it on purpose, accidents happen.

 

This new woman sees what a quagmire this is and doesn't want any part of it. You have kids with this nut and this nut has an abusive man around the kids now. This is not something most people will want to be in the middle of and have to deal with even peripherally.

 

 

Yea, it really sucks that even after breaking up with insane1 years ago, the mistake still haunts me to this day.

 

 

I guess the best I can do from here on out is not talk to her anymore unless absolutely necessary for the kids, and minimize the "crazy ex" part to future dates

[preraph]

Yeah. It was a big life mistake. Is she even a fit mother? If there is violence in her house and you wanted to, you might be able to get custody and then not have to deal with her as much maybe. If either is doing drugs, something like that, that's more leverage, though CPS always gives a pathway to getting the child back.

 

A lot of courts recommend that parents communicate only via email so that if one is getting out of their lane, there is proof. There are even special divorce/custody websites to communicate through. Of course, if the child had an emergency, that would be an exception.

 

Why don't you have joint custody at least? Or maybe I missed that. Anyway, you should have some rules about not contacting each other when it's unnecessary or her leaning on you or that sort of thing and keep it minimal but always take calls from the child, of course and let that be the main communication.

[Mrin]

Stop putting the D in crazy

[Search4twinflame]

Yeah. It was a big life mistake. Is she even a fit mother? If there is violence in her house and you wanted to, you might be able to get custody and then not have to deal with her as much maybe. If either is doing drugs, something like that, that's more leverage, though CPS always gives a pathway to getting the child back.

 

A lot of courts recommend that parents communicate only via email so that if one is getting out of their lane, there is proof. There are even special divorce/custody websites to communicate through. Of course, if the child had an emergency, that would be an exception.

 

Why don't you have joint custody at least? Or maybe I missed that. Anyway, you should have some rules about not contacting each other when it's unnecessary or her leaning on you or that sort of thing and keep it minimal but always take calls from the child, of course and let that be the main communication.

 

 

Thanks for the feedback. Regretfully, the situation on insane1's end is not severe enough to warrant me being able to do that.

 

As far as custody, that is a VERY long story. But in short, working on getting a house again at this point (renting, but home shopping and hoping to close on something within the next 2 months). Once I get the house, next step is getting a new attorney (old one I had was horrible). Already consulted two of them, and between her psych record that is already on file and my stability on my end compared to her (along with clean psych evals), both attorneys said they could literally guarantee they will get me primary custodian at the bare minimum. One even said they should be able to require her to do supervised visitations, which with what she has going on now, could be a GREAT thing, at least temporarily.

 

 

But anyway, thanks again for all your feedback. It's greatly appreciated. And as far as truelove, it's definitely done. We haven't talked for days, seems like she has a new crush already ("loved" a ton of pictures of him on his Facebook page), and I am not going to bother trying to "win her back." He is a very attractive, younger, and extremely in shape guy who undoubtedly has his pick of women. As such, I would imagine she won't last more than a month with him at best, especially when he starts dealing with her kids (he is young and has no children himself - stereotypical attractive but stupid gym-rat bachelor type). But after he is done, I don't have it in my heart to take her back

[Orokotikki]

Sounds like this was an expensive lesson for you, hopefully you learned it.

[basil67]

truelove is not a suitable partner for a man who has children.