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Break up feels the wrong choice


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heartbrokenandlost

I could use some advice to help with figure out how best to deal with this situation.

 

I developed a great friendship and then relationship with a colleague in parallel to him staring going through a divorce over a short period of time. Became friends in October last year and it was clear something was developing with it actually becoming something end of Jan. The divorce Was long time coming it sounds like. With it just not working for nearly 3-4 years. But imagine it’s still tough regardless

 

We had wanted to keep it quiet from work being so early on but due to gossip etc we were faced in April with having to decide between work or a relationship - we won’t be allowed both this is clear. After much discussion, we thought sticking to work would be easier as so early on but after two tough weeks apart we decided we wanted to figure out how to give the relationship a chance eg one of us leaves. We had a great week back together and when we finally spoke about what to do - he soon started talking about him not being in a great place emotionally/mentally with the wider stuff he had going on -not feeling his normal self and feeling broken/fragile and found himself being more scared of taking a risk than he usually would - and so wanted to go with the more safe /less painful option - ie if we stay working together it avoid any more hurt if we broke up later on. He is seeing a counsellor but has said he thought he’d be his usual self now - a year later - and

 

I don’t agree with this as feel there is a foundation for something with potential but can understand this is what he needs. But the fact it was and is so tough being over for both of us (or so he says) surely is a sign that it’s something figuring out? And maybe like he said the old him wouldn’t be so safe and risk avoidant but he’s in a different place right now. It was horrible seeing him So torn as to what to do and I’ve read that as again being something worth figuring out between us but guess there’s a chance it’s all to do with what else is going on and I’ve reads into it as more?

 

It’s only been 4 days and we’ve had to still message for work etc but we’ve both said how much we miss each other. Am I reading too much into this is and this really nothing to do with him being upset over us and I was merely a rebound?

 

when we eneded it the first time a month ago everyone could see we both were miserable and someone commented they’d never seen him so down- which I read as again something key to what we might have if have time But maybe it’s Because of what else he’s got going on and that adding to it. He said that he hadn’t felt as fragile as that break up and again that could say something about what we have or Just where’s he’s at in general. It was horrible seeing him so torn during our talk and him going from how do we make this work to the “ending it feels safer as it protects from more pain if we break up a few months down the road “ and I did suggest maybe he needs some time just on his own to figure himself out a bit but in reality I hate not being with him

 

I’m torn between leaving work to make it easier for me and him - awaree this may even have been a rebound even if he doesn’t think it - but also staying colleagues and friends with the hope that maybe it will work out when his head is in a better place. And there’s every chance he feels this rubbish because of where he is at emotionally in general and nothing to do with any feelings for me ?

 

Is this just a rebound? Do I accept it’s just done and see if we can work together or is there the chance we may get back together?

Edited by heartbrokenandlost
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I think you do need to accept that it's over and move on. If he wanted it to work he could make it work. He seems nowhere ready for a relationship or is just letting you down lightly.

 

Don't date coworkers; it rarely works out and just makes things awkward. Take some time for yourself doing things that you like to do and once the breakup is less fresh try to find a better suited partner for yourself.

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d0nnivain

Rebound was the 1st thing that came to my mind.

 

Even if it wasn't, you have to remember change is scary & stressful. Some of the biggest life shake ups include divorce & changing jobs & changing your relationship status.

 

Here this guy got a divorce, started up with you & was told that one of you would have to change jobs. That was too much change for him on too short of a time. He needs to go forward with the divorce so he shut down things with you to stabilize the other two areas.

 

He's simply not emotionally available under the circumstances. Breaking up might not feel like the best choice for you but it's a survival choice for him.

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I've always said it's a bad idea to date divorcing or newly divorced people. Even if they thought their marriage was dead they still go through turmoil and grief when the marriage ends and one common thing they do is look for a soft spot to land. They grab onto whomever is willing to hold out a hand. They don't do it maliciously or with the intent to hurt their saviour later on. Sometimes they really believe they're in love with their rescuer, but the fact is that they are in too much pain and grief to be able to really know how they feel about new partners.

 

They need a couple of years to grieve and find their bearings as a single person and once they get into a healthier state of mind they often discover that they like being single and they want to enjoy dating and playing the field for awhile. If they have been seeing someone exclusively then they may come to resent that person for trying to pin them down into another relationship while they were in a vulnerable and fragile place. That person may have been a great source of comfort and help to the divorcing person at the time but once the dust settles the divorcee realizes that they aren't ready and don't want another serious relationship this soon.

 

Your boyfriend seems to be trying to be honest and forthcoming about his confusion and feelings. I think you should respect what he says and give him space. I think you have been kind of a life raft for him during a tumultuous time in his life and now he feels ready to swim on his own so he's getting ready to let go of his raft (you). It sucks but that's one of the pitfalls of choosing to become emotionally involved with someone going through divorce.

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heartbrokenandlost

I’m def thinking more and more it was maybe a rebound even if he doesn’t think it is as much as I’d like to

Believe itis from how slowly it developed and how easy and natural it all felt as we both said

 

It’s hard to know /believe that him saying how much he misses me or how hard this is isn’t due to his feelings for me but just because it’s a tough thing adding to already bad place

 

I guess I have to just see if we can work together or I take the decision to leave

 

I just know I’ll hold out hope itmight work out when he’s had some Time to figure himself out and maybe that’s true but not sure I can bring myself to move on and not wait around for potentially nothing if we work together

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