got used as a rebound guy

[gringoloco]

Hi all,

 

I m writing as I feel sad today. I met this girl online that I grew to appreciate. We dated for about a month, only saw each other 4 times. Each time was really great. We were supposed to meet this week but I sensed something weird in her communication after our last encounter last Thursday. She was replying to my texts with relativerly short sentences and not much envy. Yesterday she sent me a text going like this : « Hey, I wanted to let you know why I have put distance between us. I am still thinking about my ex with who I had a serious long-term relationship. I am sorry about that, but know that I have appreciated the moments we have had together ». I was at work and it really shocked me. The day before we were still exchanging vocal messages, although I was always initiating.

 

To sum up our dates, we had a lovely first one near the river; had dinner then went to a bar and finally had sex on the second as the attraction was just too much; I surprised her with a picnic outside on the third - we had sex again after that and I m not lying when i say it was the best sex of my life, just extremly intense we couldn’t keep our hands out of each other and I know she enjoyed it a lot as she kept saying it multiple times. Finally we met one last time last thursday, had dinner and then she went back to my place again. In between the dates we were constantly texting, although it faded towards the end as she became colder but was still replying.

 

It is tough to swallow. This girl had multiple things I was looking for : she was smart, interested in art and culture, jewish like me, very beautiful, she said she wanted a long term relationship, and our sexual chemistry was litterally insane.

 

On the second date she told me that she was looking for something serious and that she didn’t know if i was, and that she didn’t want me to go see other girls ( she was a bit tipsy too at this point of the evening). It was still very early in the relationship, i barely knew her so i told her that we needed to take our time but that ultimately i wanted the same. I am saying this as now i regret that maybe she felt i wasn’t serious enough. At the same time, later in our dating, i was afraid that she would find me « boring » so i am just plain confused. I was glued to my phone all day waiting for each of her replies. She had a lot of power on me.

 

When we discussed the exes part, she told me that it was not an issue for her as she was over her ex .They stayed together for 1 year, then she dated another guy for 6 months before me and they had broken up very recently when i met her. This other guy was probably a rebound too.

 

How can you be so dishonest about your intentions? or maybe i am just a fool. I have been dealing with a very tough break up that happened a year ago and that i finally came to terms with ( we stayed 3 years together). This is another hard blow as I was regaining confidence and joy. When i met her i felt like maybe there was a life after my ex. Now I just feel used, useless, and rejected by a woman i wanted.

 

I didn’t want to show that i was affected and boost her ego so i replied to her last text like this : « i see - it’s a shame as we had a nice time - good luck »

 

already deleted her phone number and unfollowed her everywhere

 

I just don’t have the stength to go back into dating now, it leads to very painful experiences that destroy my self-confidence

 

Many thanks for reading, i will appreciate any thoughts on that :-(

Edited May 1, 2019 by elpandillero

[Cersei]

So sorry you are going through this. You seemed to really like her.

 

Just be grateful that it's over now really early. It could have carried on a lot longer making it even harder for you.

 

In time you will be ok. Enjoy the me time because in the future you will find someone better suited.

[gringoloco]

Thank you so much. Indeed, I wasn’t sure at the beginning but I really grew found of her and her personality.

 

Do you think there’s any chance she could come back? or is she just gonna go at someone else if it’s not for her ex?

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheFinalWord]

With your ex, there were just a lot of barriers: she had a bad upbringing, mental disorder, long distance, religious differences...all major differences in values that should have disqualified her.

 

With this girl, you trusted her when you barely knew her. You used her to help heal your past hurt, and it turned out, she is not who she said she was. Make people wait 90 days. Put them in probation. People can hide who they are for about 3 months, then you start to see red flags.

 

We've all done these things, so don't be hard on yourself.

 

But in the future, you have to stop yourself from falling in love so quick. You have to see if there are major differences in values and disqualify a girl, even if you are lonely or she is pretty. Otherwise, you are going to have to suffer heartbreak when those values start to clash. I know that when we men see a pretty girl, we tend to believe all those differences will sort themselves out, but they don't in the long run.

 

Our brains are hard wired to reproduce fast so we can fall for a woman quickly. Also, in our evolutionary past, women and men tended to bond for life because we were needed for survival (finding food and protection). Our biology is still hard wired for that type of lifestyle, but we no longer live in a society where men are required for survival and protection. So women will just leave you, especially when they can find a new man by downloading a dating app. We men have to be very careful and selective before giving commitment or our full trust to a woman. Our biology is working against us, as is technology.

 

With this recent girl, even though she told you she was over her ex, you didn't know her long enough to see if she could be trusted. Try to refrain from having sex until you know you can trust the person. Otherwise, you end up hurting later.

 

Get better friend.

Edited May 1, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[gringoloco]

You can’t imagine how helpful that is. Thank you so much for having taken the time to write this.

 

I should have been more careful. When she said she was looking for something serious i kind of trusted her. She also cuddled me as if we were getting serious, so it is so easy to get fooled. I would have prefered if she had told me from the start she just needed sex instead of saying the complete opposite. This is so disturbing for the mind. I wanted to tell her that, but i kept my reply to her text short instead. She probably knows what she has done very well and how involved i got, otherwise she wouldn’t have given me a reason. Some people are just narcissist jerks

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrin]

I wouldn't be too hard on her. She probably was dating with the most genuine intentions. She just didn't realize the depths of her feelings for her ex. At least she called it off after four dates. And it was only just four dates. Heck, not even enough time for the exclusivity talk.

 

Also - she may come back but you should say no. You will always feel like you're second fiddle to her ex. Let her go.

[gringoloco]

I know it seems like 4 dates is nothing. But there was also constant texting in between. Pretty much a month of daily talking. And at the beginning she was initiating a lot of the texting. Even as soon as last week she sent me a picture of herself, of what she was eating, etc... you can’t play with people like that

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheFinalWord]

You can’t imagine how helpful that is. Thank you so much for having taken the time to write this.

 

Women are very fickle with their emotions. I'm sure she thought she meant that when she said it, but later she felt differently. That's why you have to really be careful about letting yourself become too into her, too quickly

 

Anytime a girl brings up an ex on the first few dates, my guard goes up. It means it's still on their mind to some extent. I don't have any relationship baggage and for me, exes never come up when I'm dating someone new. Personally, I never bring up exes unless I am serious with someone and we talk about things that caused old relationships to end. If a girl is talking about an ex so early on, it's still in the back of their brain. It's okay, but it's a yellow flag and should tell you to slow down and not let yourself get too excited over her too quickly. Match their level of effort because if they still have an ex on their mind and you push forward, it will cause them to become more guarded and feel like they're not ready. When all they may have needed was a slower pace.

 

A bit off topic. But are you sure she was ending it with you in that text? It sounded like she wanted to take things slow, but I'm not sure she was saying she didn't want to talk to you anymore? This is the problem with people doing this stuff over text instead of calling or meeting in person. She may have just wanted to slow down. Who knows...

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[gringoloco]

I asked myself the same question. But as she said « anyways I appreciated the time spent with you » to me it pretty much meant that that time was over from her point of vue, since she spoke about it in the past. I have unfollowed her on instagram and deleted her number anyways, i suppose if she wants to text or call me she knows how to reach out....

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheFinalWord]

Okay, earlier it said "I have appreciated"...meaning, she enjoys the time you two share, but she wants to put some distance. Either way, her behavior is shady. She should have talked to you over the phone about something like that. I think 4 dates with constant talking in between and sex is enough of a dating relationship to at least call you. But I guess not these days.

 

I can only guess, because I don't know her, so I can only go by what is on here. But, yeah, if you think she was ending it, then you could wait to see if she reaches out. But your reply definitely sounds like you don't want to continue. So she probably won't.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[gringoloco]

yes it was a bit misleading, i m a foreign speaker so translating in my head ;-) she definitely used the past. I know my answer was a bit hard, but i felt betrayed and didn’t want to moan at her either so that’s all i had to say. It’s hard to say nice things to someone who rejects you. I could probably send her another message saying that if she changes her mind i m around, but that would make me look like a weak guy. She knows that i was interested in pursuing a relationship with her...

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheFinalWord]

I don't think it was too hard. I used to give responses too, but now if a girl ends things over text, I don't even respond. To me, if someone breaks up over text, it is so immature, that they don't warrant a response.

 

Black pill perspective:

 

[gringoloco]

It’s hard to say she « ended things » as we weren’t really together yet. We were in the grey zone, it could have been something serious.

 

I ve written this, might send it across what do you think?

 

« My answer yesterday was a bit weak. Obviously i was a bit disappointed (i might remove that sentence though, dont want to sound like she had that much power on me...). I had noticed that you became more distant recently. Thank you for being honest with me, I understand the fact that you’re still undecise about your ex, you guys have your history. I also enjoyed the time spent together. No hard feelings ;-) »

[TheFinalWord]

Yes, I see what you are saying. By ending things, I mean she does not want to go out with you anymore. It was not technically a relationship, but if you are only talking to each other, texting all day, going out once a week, having sex, you're pretty much doing the same things as you would if she was your girlfriend. So it feels like a break up. The pain feels the same.

 

My question is, what are you trying to accomplish with the message? It still sounds like you are ending things. Are you trying to keep talking to her, or do you want to end things?

 

If you want to end things, then I would not even write.

 

Personally, if you are trying to keep her, I think you might call her that way you can better understand what she is saying...if she is trying to end things, or if she just wants to slow down.

Edited May 1, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[gringoloco]

I don’t want to keep talking to her if she is seeing her ex, it is pointless. Eventually she will want to try again with him and i can’t compete as they have more history and she seems to still have feelings

 

what i am trying to do is act like a cool guy, letting the door open, so that if she ever changes her mind she feels like she can reach out to me.

 

but you re right i might add something along the lines of « my understanding of your message is that you don’t want us to speak or see each other anymore » so that there s no misunderstanding

[Highndry]

Your original response was enough. DO NOT say anything else. It's up to her at this point.

[SevenCity]

Your original response was enough. DO NOT say anything else. It's up to her at this point.

 

Agreed. You handled it perfectly.

 

You should also take these as lessons for all women:

 

1. Sex does not usually mean anything in relation to commitment.

2. Women say what they are feeling in the moment. It only applies then and is subject to change without notice.

3. You never have the full back story. On the rebound their emotions can swing wildly.

4. A poster said they can keep an act for 3 months, figure 6 for good ones, and a year for experts.

5. Women often dont understand their own feelings.

6. Be prepared for them to leave at any time.

 

I learned these things after my ex of 7 years up and left giving no reason. You got off easy.

[Mrin]

Your original response was enough. DO NOT say anything else. It's up to her at this point.

 

Agreed.

 

Look OP - i've been in your position before - and I've been in the woman's position before. A few things:

 

1. This has FAR less to do with you than it does with her feelings for her ex. In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

2. She done with you. If she is back with her ex, 110% of her attention is on him and her relationship with him.

 

3. She probably still looks back on you and her time with you fondly. Like a nice vacation.

 

4. Don't contact her anymore. It is best just to disappear.

 

Here's how it works from a brain perspective. Over her time with her ex she had build this really large and complex network of neurons in her brain. Lots of emotions. Lots of memories. Lots of thoughts. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Deep stuff. Think of it like this really complex circuitry. Chips.... wires.... all sorts of stuff. Enough to fill a warehouse. Then, when her relationship came to an end with her ex, that whole thing shut down. Went dark for the most part. Lights went off. And just sat there. Dormant. She locked the doors.

 

Then she took up with you. And started building her own network of "you". Over four dates it started to grow. It might have been growing nicely but it was still small. Like briefcase small. It probably brought her joy. And was pleasant. She thought to herself that she was really over her ex... and the warehouse sized neuron network of "him".

 

Then one day, for some reason you'll never know, she unlocked the door to the warehouse network of "him" and fired it back up. Maybe he called her. Maybe she found something from him. Whatever it is, all sorts of electricity flooded into that warehouse sized neural network of "him" in her brain and it lit up like a Christmas Tree. Vast. Complex. Familiar. Neurons firing. Connections crackling. That network of him was brought back to life. It probably surprised her. Shocked her. And yes, scared her.

 

And her network with you? It was like an elephant stepping on an ant. It never stood a chance - regardless of who you were or how great you are, it never - stood - a - chance. That's just the nature of our brains.

 

I'm sorry dude. I really am. I know it sucks. But it is best to just step away and move on with your life.

 

Mrin

[gringoloco]

thank you guys, it really means a lot to have your opinions on this and it is so valuable.

 

I suppose I can say she saved me time by being honest about her feelings and not dragging me along. She said she enjoyed our time together. Thats why maybe my answer was a bit cold. All i replied was basicallly : « i see - it’s a shame as it was fun - good luck » (translating from french...). I was on the verge to reply something angry but a friend prevented me from doing it. So that’s all i was able to come up with. Maybe i should have used more words, so to make her understand that i grew fond of her and was serious about it, but i felt used and angry on the spot. However I don’t see how she could come back to me after an answer like that.

 

You are all right though, i need to forget her. It hurts as on the surface she seemed to tick all the boxes, so I got overly excited about her, only to be very disappointed. She said so many contradictory things, i thought she wanted to build a serious relationship, messed up my brain...

[gringoloco]

I suppose the only thing that pisses me off is that I would have prefered her to send me something along the lines of "we can't see each other anymore" - which is something some girls I met in the past have done and at least it's crystal clear - instead of this bull**** about her thinking about her ex. It leaves me wondering if maybe I could still talk to her and see her. I know I shouldn't because she is thinking about someone else, but maybe she didn't spend enough time with me to actually develop feelings.

 

It's just so weak to send a text like this out of the blue whereas we were still talking the day before......

[TheFinalWord]

A lot of times with a break-up, the person is trying to blame it on something else so you don't take it personally. By blaming it on the ex, in her mind, she probably thinks it's a nicer way to break up because she is not saying you did anything wrong. She's blaming it on her ex and not being over it. She told you she was, but it was not enough time to really see if her actions lined up with her words.

 

I've been there. When it comes to a break up, I've learned to just understand that anything but a "yes" is a "no." I know it's frustrating, but we can't control other people. They are going to do what they are going to do. Just know there's probably a reason she's been through 3 guys in like a year. She's obviously good at attracting men, but not keeping them.

Edited May 2, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[gringoloco]

you’re right, I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming I was too blinded by the new found love and it brought me comfort after the tough break up i had been through earlier this year. The difference is that I was really over my ex at this point. I took the time to grieve, been through the worst, and now i was ready to find someone to love again. And she had me like an idiot. I should have know that the fact that she had just broken up with her former rebound guy was a huge warning. That guy was apparently taking drugs and was abusive to her. It should have been a red flag, because how can you stay with someone like that even for 6 months.

Stupidly i thought that I could make her forget about her exes, and that the fact that our physical connection was amazing would make her stay around. Even though she became a bit more distant, it really caught me off guard as she was still sending me text messages 2 days before.

I guess you have to learn to live on your own. But when you have lived a very passionate relationship, you want to be able to experience that again. It’s like a drug.

[Highndry]

...I guess you have to learn to live on your own. But when you have lived a very passionate relationship, you want to be able to experience that again. It’s like a drug.

 

 

Ehh, that crap doesn't last. That's just the honeymoon phase.

[gringoloco]

Now that I have had some time to think about it, I think i should have seen those warning signs :

 

- I was always the one proposing to meet. It seemed like she was always busy and i had to adjust to her calendar so that we could meet. Once we had planned a date on a thursday and the day before she tells me she forgot she had something planned on that day

- She said to me she wanted something serious, then on the 2nd date she tells me that she has a « naughty side » - clearly hinting at sexual stuff - and when we go back at my place i realize she had the whole lingerie attire ready (so obviously she was planning to have sex)

- Sometimes she seemed excited, she would text me first, then go blank for hours or reply with short answers. At some point towards the end she wasn’t interested at all in what i was up to

- She said all kind of weird sentences, like « i m only good for sex to you » and then the next date talking about how she would fare with my mother...

- And yeah she probably had been with way too many guys recently...

 

Now the reason it bothers me more than usual, is that i thought i saw something else in her. I didn’t want to only be physical. We had quite a bit in common despite all that. I just wished she had called me or talked about it to me on our last date. I think i could have understood without gettting angry on the spot. But her last text was just so ****, without even telling me straight that she didn’t want to see me anymore, that I felt completely disorientated.

 

I m an idiot because i still hope she ll realize she made a mistake and text me back. I know i ended it the short way with my text - but what was i supposed to answer anyway to someone telling me they think about someone else

Edited May 4, 2019 by elpandillero

[Highndry]

I m an idiot because i still hope she ll realize she made a mistake and text me back. I know i ended it the short way with my text - but what was i supposed to answer anyway to someone telling me they think about someone else

 

 

My friend, your ego is is bruised. The reality is that she wasn't interested in you long term and you have to just accept it and move on. Hoping that she'll realize she made a mistake is pure fantasy. This woman never showed a high interest level in you. A woman who does leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. They put forth effort to try to move the relationship along. Find a woman who does that.