Feeling Used and like a fool

[LittleWhiteSocks]

My bf and I broke up after almost 2 years of on and off and fighting. He went back to his ex. We work in the same area and I see him at least once a week. He speaks to me, but I try to avoid him.

 

I really loved him and now feeling like he didnt really love me. Like he used me. I really opened up to him sexually and did things with him that I never did before. We talked about future, marriage and children. but then he broke up with me because he got tired of arguing. I am so sad and depressed. We are in our mid 30's.

Edited April 29, 2019 by LittleWhiteSocks

[TheFinalWord]

It will take time to heal, especially if you gave him your uninhibited sexuality. Talking about marriage and kids is vastly different than actions. People cling to words that their SO says in the moment. But that doesn't apply after the moment it is said. Judge by actions, not words.

 

Hopefully you have learned not to give yourself to someone that is on again off again, because there is no way someone like that is going to stick around.

 

You're not a fool. You just trusted someone that didn't earn it. You need to work on healing because you don't want to continue to allow this to influence you if you enter into a new relationship. Don't drag the carcass of an ex into a new relationship.

[d0nnivain]

It was a tumultuous relationship to begin with. The break up is fresh so the pain is acute. You were together for 2 years; that is a long time. I'm sure he had genuine feelings for you. He didn't rebound to you. The problems which caused the on again off again business were just more then he wanted to deal with.

 

Lick your wounds. Be civil at work. Polish off your resume if continuing to work there presents a real problem.

 

Learn from this. Repeated arguments are to be avoided. Work on your conflict resolution skills so you don't have this same pattern in your next relationship.

[elaine567]

Sounds like you desperately clung onto him despite the fighting and the on and off pattern. That was your cue to leave.

I guess you also gave your all sexually in a vain attempt to keep him.

It didn't work, as he no doubt was still thinking about his ex.

 

How long had they split up before you met? Were they married, did they have kids?

[stillafool]

 

I really loved him and now feeling like he didnt really love me. Like he used me. I really opened up to him sexually and did things with him that I never did before. We talked about future, marriage and children. but then he broke up with me because he got tired of arguing. I am so sad and depressed. We are in our mid 30's.

 

I'm sorry you're hurt but how were you used sexually? You did what you wanted to do I imagine unless he forced you to do those things in bed. Constant arguing is draining. You didn't mention what the arguments were about but if it was constant that is a problem. I don't know how anyone can plan marriage with someone they constantly argue with because that is a major red flag. I've never heard of anyone in a 2 year relationship going back to an ex. Maybe he was still seeing her when you two were together. Was she the cause of your arguments?

[LittleWhiteSocks]

They were broken up, not married, no kids for about 2 years when we met, but she was still close with his family and was at a few family functions. She and his cousin had a business venture together, a local radio talk show.

[LittleWhiteSocks]

We started going to therapy. I know I fly off the handle at times, but I was trying to fix it.

[LittleWhiteSocks]

We argued about her a few times, because she was still around his family and I don't believe exes should be friends. I told him that many times. He still had pics of her and family members on his social media.

[Redhead14]

You were not used and you aren't a fool. You were a willing participant in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship and aware of it's fluid bond. A couple can love each other and still not be compatible/suited for one another.

 

There is only one thing worse than staying in a poor and toxic relationship for 2 years -- staying in a poor and toxic relationship for 2 years plus 1 day . . .

 

It's over. Let it go. Let yourself heal. Focus on you and your life as a single, independent woman. Work on your weaknesses and revel in and develop your strengths.

[Nnam]

Just give it time. If you really do like him and want to be together, try and have a conversation and if he still wants out, you'd have to leave.

[elaine567]

Just give it time. If you really do like him and want to be together, try and have a conversation and if he still wants out, you'd have to leave.

 

Too late, he has already gone back to his ex.

His ex is deeply involved with his family too, the OP cannot fight that.

The on and off and the constant fighting signifies a relationship she is much better off out of.

[LittleWhiteSocks]

People always say, to let it go but some say talk about it. It's very confusing. We've been broken up for almost 6 mos but he went back to his ex a while ago. I found this out recently and it started to hurt all over again. I agree the relationship was dysfunctional. I re-read some of our texts and emails and it proves that we were trying to possibly make it more than it was. A friend of mine said it was like an extended vacation. A lot of fun and crazy sex, but not meant to survive after you return to reality.

[elaine567]

The ex.

Did he dump her or did she dump him?

[LittleWhiteSocks]

He said it was mutual because at the time she wanted to get married, but he wasn't ready. So they agreed to go their separate ways. They were together for about 5 years and were still friendly, I hated that. I checked his email a few weeks ago and I see where they never lost contact. They used to send each other random emails. Nothing flirty but just like 'Hey. How's your world?' He says that a lot.

Edited April 29, 2019 by LittleWhiteSocks

[TheFinalWord]

I know it's hard, but you have to stop looking at his social media, reading his e-mails, asking about him.

 

Stalking our ex is a common behavior, especially in the era of social media. But it really does no good, aside from tricking your brain into thinking this person is still in your life. And that there is still hope.

 

You had a good boundary in place about him not talking to his ex. But you still kept him around despite that red flag. Their families are also tied together, which adds a whole other dynamic.

 

You should talk about it with a therapist and follow their advice, but you shouldn't keep looking at his social media and e-mails and obtaining information about what he is up to. It's for your own mental health.

[preraph]

I'd be so mad if an ex of mine tried to stay thick with my family after I broke up with them. Actually it almost happened once, but it was his first time meeting my mother, not an ongoing thing.

 

I'd broken it off. We lived in the same apartment complex. My mom came to town and was home and I don't know how they came face to face, but somehow they met each other and then she asked him to dinner!! FFS!! So I guess he might have thought it was my idea, but no. He calls before he comes over for dinner and casually mentions he'll be over but he's at his ex's, and I told him, Then have HER cook dinner for you, and hung up.

[d0nnivain]

She was never really gone. You know she had a business venture with a different family member of his.

 

Plus they didn't part ways due to lack of love. It was a timing issue.

 

Your friend who compared the relationship to a vacation was probably on to something. Yes, you had tons of fun but it wasn't grounded in reality.

 

Again you are not a fool & he didn't use you in a mean spirited sense. You were a breath of fresh air who wasn't bugging him for marriage.

 

Stop beating yourself up. Recognize that the relationship had some good points but it was also dysfunctional. Let it go. Move forward in your life.

[LittleWhiteSocks]

I know it's hard, but you have to stop looking at his social media, reading his e-mails, asking about him.

 

Stalking our ex is a common behavior, especially in the era of social media. But it really does no good, aside from tricking your brain into thinking this person is still in your life. And that there is still hope.

 

You had a good boundary in place about him not talking to his ex. But you still kept him around despite that red flag. Their families are also tied together, which adds a whole other dynamic.

 

You should talk about it with a therapist and follow their advice, but you shouldn't keep looking at his social media and e-mails and obtaining information about what he is up to. It's for your own mental health.

 

I have them both blocked on social media, so I don't see anything they post. Now as I look back I see the red flags. I hated seeing her at family functions. Once I even bumped into her in a parking garage. It seems like she was just always there.

[LittleWhiteSocks]

She was never really gone. You know she had a business venture with a different family member of his.

 

Plus they didn't part ways due to lack of love. It was a timing issue.

 

Your friend who compared the relationship to a vacation was probably on to something. Yes, you had tons of fun but it wasn't grounded in reality.

 

Again you are not a fool & he didn't use you in a mean spirited sense. You were a breath of fresh air who wasn't bugging him for marriage.

 

Stop beating yourself up. Recognize that the relationship had some good points but it was also dysfunctional. Let it go. Move forward in your life.

 

Whats interesting to me is that we talked about marriage and moving in together. I even had a day planned out to look at apartments and he postponed it at the last minute. It was like he was ready for these things but slowly backing away from me. That's what makes it confusing. I actually found an apartment and started the process but when asked him for his information, ss#, salary etc, he kept saying, OK, OK, but never gave it to me, so we lost the chance to apply.

[elaine567]

Commitmentphobes love the chase. They will pull out all stops to win you over, then when they realize they have, and they think a commitment is expected, they panic and run away. Some do it after a great first date. Some after sex. Some after marriage. Some after being married and buying a house or having a child. Things that make them feel locked in and that the relationship is forever. #41

Once things got serious, he ran away.

[d0nnivain]

Whats interesting to me is that we talked about marriage and moving in together.

 

I can see where that would be really confusing. In the throws of living your life & having this relationship, things seemed good. You weren't wrong about that. Unfortunately people are unpredictable & sometimes life goes sideways.

[SevenCity]

We started going to therapy. I know I fly off the handle at times, but I was trying to fix it.

 

It sucks that you are hurt, but one silver lining is trauma is often required to make lasting change.

 

Flying off the handle will eventually push most men away. Realizing this behavior isn’t enough, you have to do something about it.

 

My gf has an issue with shutting down if she gets upset (which is often not for good reason). That’s one thing I changed about myself due to getting dumped by my ex as I realized how hurtful it was (I was the shut down king).

 

I’ve told her, in no uncertain terms, if she does not change this behavior I will eventually lose interest and leave. Not a threat, honest communication. And she had made amazing improvement following my example.

 

Use this breakup to change things about yourself for the better. Else, it will continue to destroy your relationships.

[LittleWhiteSocks]

Once things got serious, he ran away.

 

Yes. He ran away to her. It feels like he was ready for the future and talking about it with me, but then when it really came down to commitment, he chose her. My friend told me that he moved in to her apt so they can save to buy a house. I dont know what to think or say anymore.

[LittleWhiteSocks]

It sucks that you are hurt, but one silver lining is trauma is often required to make lasting change.

 

Flying off the handle will eventually push most men away. Realizing this behavior isn’t enough, you have to do something about it.

 

My gf has an issue with shutting down if she gets upset (which is often not for good reason). That’s one thing I changed about myself due to getting dumped by my ex as I realized how hurtful it was (I was the shut down king).

 

I’ve told her, in no uncertain terms, if she does not change this behavior I will eventually lose interest and leave. Not a threat, honest communication. And she had made amazing improvement following my example.

 

Use this breakup to change things about yourself for the better. Else, it will continue to destroy your relationships.

 

We started couples therapy and I thought it was getting better. After we broke up I asked him to continue and he said no, that he was tired of arguing and that nothing changes because I always look at the negative things. I know it's done, now I need to move on and its hurting bad.

[LittleWhiteSocks]

I'd be so mad if an ex of mine tried to stay thick with my family after I broke up with them. Actually it almost happened once, but it was his first time meeting my mother, not an ongoing thing.

 

I'd broken it off. We lived in the same apartment complex. My mom came to town and was home and I don't know how they came face to face, but somehow they met each other and then she asked him to dinner!! FFS!! So I guess he might have thought it was my idea, but no. He calls before he comes over for dinner and casually mentions he'll be over but he's at his ex's, and I told him, Then have HER cook dinner for you, and hung up.

 

I dont know if he encouraged her to be around, but he never tried to stop her. His family really liked her and would surround her whenever she showed up. I really hated that. She's older than us too. I dont know if that had anything to do with it and she doesnt want kids. He said having kids was not important to him, but I wanted at least one.