Broke NC after 2 months

[boytrouble]

Decided that I was going to follow the 60-day NC rule because already at that point I felt like I don't have anything to loose by reaching out.

(I was listening to various coaches and decided to go with this one)

 

Long story short, didn't get the expected answer but I did got myself a closure.

 

Ex said "I am still not sure if we can be friends or not.

That is why I don't know if I should see you."

 

She also said that she was dating somebody new, hard blow non the less

but now I feel better knowing that at least I gave it a shot and I learned a lot during me not reaching out (NC should never be broken guys, learn from my experience!)

 

Lastly said "I understand that at this time we can't have any kind of a relationship-friendship or bf/gf" and I "wished her the best in her new relationship with hopes that it works out and that if it doesn't she knows where to find me."

 

Wanted to share my experience and personal view on whether or not you should ever-ever break NC.

 

At this point I feel like I am finally entering the "real" NC period that will last indefinitely.

Do you think I should've not said the bolded part? (somewhere I read that it won't kill to say it, since you don't promise that you will wait)

 

Other than that, stay strong and look for brighter things ahead

[emeraldgreen]

Definitely, don't say that bold part ever again.

[Twizzlestick]

^^ ha . I’d add something slightly different to and whilst I agree with that, I’d say never worry about what you said in bold ever again. Why? It’s in the past. Honestly one thing I’ve learnt is what gets said/done vanishes into time. Time has a curious way of dimishing things and highlighting new things as life carries on. Once months have past in NC those words won’t hold any currency for anyone concerned. They’ll be just forgotten as a medley of other words said “around that time”

[TheFinalWord]

You do have something to lose breaking NC: your dignity.

 

Also, saying, You know where to find me...

 

You're basically saying she can hook up with other guys and like a good simp, you'll be waiting around for her after she's had her adventures like a good beta male with no other options.

 

Any shred of attraction she had for you, is now completely gone with a statement like that.

 

What was really learned:

 

She learned that she made the right choice to break up with you. You don't respect yourself, so how can she?

You learned that a girl can walk all over you and you'll still be waiting around for her. Why do you think so little of yourself?

 

Sorry to be brutal, but I'm telling you what your ex won't. If you think being her friend is going to let you have a chance to get back with her, you're dead wrong. But sure she'll let you be on the back burner is she gets bored and needs a shoulder to cry on. But with this mindset she'll never see you as a future lover. Ever.

[boytrouble]

You aren't. And I appreciate the opinion since I asked for it

but I also want to share mine.

 

Alpha-male stuff? Again?

I've had my share of that and I am honestly sick of it

because it's not 100% accurate and it doesn't always work

because women just like men are different.

And we both are clearly different because I never say something that can't be disputed

nor do I accept statements unless it's math.

Since we're both different we probably like different types of women

and that creates as much difference and it creates a similarity.

Books are usually covering 70% of the cases, never a 100%.

 

Sorry, but I was there and several months ago I would've bought

into the Alpha-male mumbo-jumbo.. but I honestly don't care.

All the dating coaches, 3% books, articles and etc.

Practically when you reach out from a place of 'abundance' as I did.

You can't be really sure what you will find. You are indirectly looking for some kind of *closure*

Which is why I now support the idea of never breaking "No Contact".

Indeed being in NC is a form of closure.

 

Yet in my case I decided to break up, partly because

I wasn't eating nor sleeping much for last week or so.

Maybe I should've staid and dive into depression all over again only for the sake of an unreal

"Alpha status" that never really represented me through my life?

(I never ever mentioned anything about my sole goal being to get her back

I just wanted to know how she is what's been going in here life.

How could I've know that she will get scared and try to push me by throwing the new bf curve ball?

Don't believe me if you wish but I was really open and honest about it)

 

It made me feel good knowing that she's happy.

 

And on the contrary I don't believe I've lost my dignity.

Just by checking on if she's willing to put the past behind us

and give it another go.

 

There are no rules for war and love, c'moon....

 

She knows well where I stand. Well I will always stand because I always try to keep my word and my actions connected.

She knows I really wish her the best from the bottom of my heart.

And she also knows that by telling me that she has someone knew I will be more open to forget about her and move on with my life.

Because I am planning to.

 

Her decision to stay away from me and not being sure "if she wants to ever be friends (and I don't really) for her own sake" and trying to push me away shows me that she feels bad enough to know how much I care for her and what I feel to even see me in person (either to not feel guilty or to not jeopardize her current position and status towards me) Being open to a girl about how you feel and what you want for me actually shows 'strength'. She just couldn't love me back

 

I for once don't have the desire to lean on my pride for the rest of my life knowing that I might have missed a chance to start over.

This chance clearly was not there for me, doesn't mean it won't come ever.. even though I am willing to accept it now.

"Feelings change like the clouds in the sky"

So I very 'beta-maleish' have left my door open for a scenario like that

 

If a time like that comes and she decides to reach out. If I happen to be free at that time and If I still feel something for her, if I am able to put her future past and mine behind us and realize that she's really changed and wants to give it another go I am willing to give it a shot as long

as I still see a future with this person even though she once hurt me.

If not I will be happy for her non the less.

I don't plan on doing anything nor keep in touch with her from this point going forward not because I think It's the right thing,

but because I feel it and know it as the right thing.

That's real love and that's me accepting the stages we both are on

after more than two months of separation and finally NOT holding onto any sort of hope as I used to before breaking NC.

 

"My watch has ended"

Edited April 29, 2019 by boytrouble

[Twizzlestick]

OP

 

Don’t worry about that alpha Male rubbish, no one on here’s mentioned it, that alpha Male phenomenon is actually seated in insecurity and projection. I think it started with all that woodsman beard image thing (I do have such a beard to be fair, that’s another story ).

 

The alpha Male always smacked me as quite juvenile and those that try and portray themselves as such on YouTube (I think there’s even a channel called alpha Male) massively miss the exemplary traits of their idols over history.

 

There’s no such a thing as an “alpha Male”. We’re not lions. Lions eat things and screw things and sit at the tier of their food chain, that’s alpha or more correctly, apex. If one were to be just that then one would be a nut job. Humans are more complex. Look at admired figures. Sir Earnest Shackleton was a “bad ass” by most stretches, yet a very compassionate and emotionally intelligent man.

 

Anyway moving away from that alpha baloney, It’s not about alpha Male, more doing what’s right for oneself in the face of damning evidence.

 

It’s not worth analysing, the situation leaves you no option but to move forward and go no contact. To do otherwise could be hurtful to you. Don’t be going round in circles. Just focus on yourself now.

[boytrouble]

OP

 

Don’t worry about that alpha Male rubbish, no one on here’s mentioned it, that alpha Male phenomenon is actually seated in insecurity and projection. I think it started with all that woodsman beard image thing (I do have such a beard to be fair, that’s another story ).

 

The alpha Male always smacked me as quite juvenile and those that try and portray themselves as such on YouTube (I think there’s even a channel called alpha Male) massively miss the exemplary traits of their idols over history.

 

There’s no such a thing as an “alpha Male”. We’re not lions. Lions eat things and screw things, that’s alpha. If one were to be just that then one would be a nut job. Humans are more complex. Look at admired figures. Sir Earnest Shackleton was a “bad ass” by most stretches, yet a very compassionate and emotionally intelligent man.

 

Anyway moving away from that alpha baloney, It’s not about alpha Male, more doing what’s right for oneself in the face of damning evidence.

 

It’s not worth analysing, the situation leaves you no option but to move forward and go no contact. To do otherwise could be hurtful to you. Don’t be going round in circles. Just focus on yourself now.

 

Exactly my point of view.

Glad to see at least someone gets me lol

[TheFinalWord]

Alpha male is just nomenclature for "confidence." No one thinks its actually a biological construct. It makes me wonder how much you're really studied this topic if you think anyone believes its an actual biological construct. It's a place holder for a set of personality traits that are attractive to women.

 

Good debate with Joe Rogan if you find this stuff interested....

 

 

All of that accumulated wisdom is useless, even though it predicted the exact outcome you received.

 

How would I know you thought that way. Your message starts with following a 60-day NC rule. Which I'm sure you know doesn't work.

 

You broke NC and received the expected outcome.

 

If that makes you feel you received closure, than I'm glad your reporting that breaking NC doesn't work. That outcome could have been predicted, but I guess some people has to learn from experience.

[samjam7]

I think instead of 60-day NC rule people like you and I should follow the never contact rule.

 

And do not say the part in bold again. It just means you are letting her keep you as one of the backup options. You deserve to be someone's priority.

[boytrouble]

Not just us, everyone deserves to be someone's priority.

 

But true love is true love even though knowing myself

I would probably never take her back even though I left the door open for her.

 

I would definitely like to see her but taking back someone else's "left overs" is not really what I could settle for in the moment despite how I used to feel being with her.

 

Sometimes people need to be pushed back several times before they see the "big picture" I think I am one of them and she did pushed me quite a bit with that statement.

 

You never know how you both will feel years down the road. Which is why I did what I did even though it might sound as if I am "degrading" myself. I am just being rational.

[dim84]

I don't understand why you should not break the no contact.

If anything, you sound better now and you got your answers.

And the girl respects you fine, she said that she doesn't see you as a friend.

[boytrouble]

I don't understand why you should not break the no contact.

If anything, you sound better now and you got your answers.

And the girl respects you fine, she said that she doesn't see you as a friend.

 

 

Because it can also be interpreted as "I don't care about you, just pick up your drama and leave me alone" and I can tell you it's a blind shot non the less. And probably that is the real meaning behind it. First she leaves you, than you give it a try and she pushes back even further by not wanting to see or talk with you hoping that you will get a hint. You will never hear her real reasons, because in her mind she's protecting you (in reality she thinks she shouldn't hurt you more which is exactly what causes moving on to be so god-darn difficult when you think that you can fix everything just because you are a man).

So yeah, if any girl reads this and finds her communication skills close to this level.

We could really appreciate it if you pick up a notch in your future break-ups.

 

It still hurts from time to time, but it hurts a lot shorter than waiting around on hope as you try to force yourself into the outdoor and it's possibility of meeting, getting to know a new person with whom you can possibly form a new relationship and start having sex and playing the giant "chess" game of dating all over again.. something I surely see as "forcing" because in my mind I was over that part of meaningless acquaintances who you happen to have given a piece of information just about enough so that they can drop on both knees and focus on pleasuring you and themselves in the process. That's the reality of modern-day dating.

Edited May 3, 2019 by boytrouble

[boytrouble]

Alpha male is just nomenclature for "confidence." No one thinks its actually a biological construct. It makes me wonder how much you're really studied this topic if you think anyone believes its an actual biological construct. It's a place holder for a set of personality traits that are attractive to women.

 

Good debate with Joe Rogan if you find this stuff interested....

 

 

All of that accumulated wisdom is useless, even though it predicted the exact outcome you received.

 

How would I know you thought that way. Your message starts with following a 60-day NC rule. Which I'm sure you know doesn't work.

 

You broke NC and received the expected outcome.

 

If that makes you feel you received closure, than I'm glad your reporting that breaking NC doesn't work. That outcome could have been predicted, but I guess some people has to learn from experience.

 

 

Just wanted to throw a quick update since I haven't been logged in the forum ever since my last post.

 

As my emotion intensity has clearly decreased following this past month I can agree with statement.

I was acting like a "simp" but it took longer than expected to see it. lol

Both liberating and frustrating to admit that I've gone that low but I guess the cliche "love makes us do stupid things" couldn't be more true to my case.

 

With that being said recently I FINALLY made the decision to close that same "door" for good and 100% be okay with it which I did by deleting her number and blocking her and her closes friends (which I don't even know) from my social media. You will ask why i would do something so weak/stupid? Simple. I did it for me. I wanted to reinforce my decision so I can stick with it and take my dignity back!

 

Since my love wasn't enough for her in the first place she can go f* herself on my behalf.

 

A woman will always gravitate towards her best option.

And I choose to gravitate towards myself and my ambitions.

Everything I do from now on is for me, my self being and myself only.

No woman will ever get to experience my tender side any time soon

because they are all temporary part-takers anyway and their loyalty

is as much as of that of a mercenary.

Edited June 8, 2019 by boytrouble

[ExpatInItaly]

With that being said recently I FINALLY made the decision to close that same "door" for good and 100% be okay with it which I did by deleting her number and blocking her and her closes friends (which I don't even know) from my social media. You will ask why i would do something so weak/stupid? Simple. I did it for me. I wanted to reinforce my decision so I can stick with it and take my dignity back!

 

The only ones who generally see blocking as "weak" are dumpees who are hanging on to false hope that their ex might come back, so they refuse to block and cut that line of contact - or dumpers who selfishly believe their ex will hang around as their Plan B should the single life not work out for them.

 

It was actually a very smart move on your part, OP. Good for you.

[boytrouble]

ExpatInItaly; Thank you. Your post comes out much appreciated!

 

I know it took me longer than three months to get myself out of this "dumpster" of a situation that I let myself fell into.

Finally I can breath again and it feels great.

 

Hopefully the people reading this will find their way much faster.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Glad for you that you made it to the other side.

I do look forward to the day when I make it over there myself. Feels like it is so.....so.....far away....

[boytrouble]

All my wishes of good fortune are to you brother.

 

Depending on your situation it might take you some time but eventually your decision to stay away will pay off.

 

Also, I am trying to clear the air on something of a personal opinion of my mine again focused on the "No contact" period. I have no idea whether or not it would work on people who never were emotionally invested in the the relationship. My personal opinion is that it won't but I am open to hearing other opinions as well.

 

Sometimes it's just better not to bet on a dead horse.