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How to break up with someone who is emotionally unstable?


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canadianchick

Hi everyone.

 

I'm at a point in my life where I want to be single and alone. For the longest time I was afraid of being alone but now I'm praying for the day where I do not need to answer to him again and just live my life the way i want to. I don't see myself marrying him and I know deep down that he's not the one. I constantly tell myself that I would be much happier without him and every time we fight I'm always asking myself, WHY THE HECK AM I STILL HERE?! To be honest. I am SCARED of the breakup and what will happen after. Will he call me a million times? Show up to my parents house? Or show up to my work? I'm scared of his actions. I believe that he can be very conniving and vindictive. Not that he would physically hurt me. If i knew that he would take the breakup fine and just never talk to me again and leave me alone I would have done it already.

 

Some background about us -

 

I am 26 years old and he is 28 years old. We dated back when we were 16. We reconnected about three years ago and have been dating since then. We were both out of long term relationships. In the beginning things were fun I guess. Sex was great. Just the normal beginning of a new exciting relationship for me. He ha a good job and he seemed like he had a good head on his shoulders at the time.

 

1.5 years into the relationship he has since quit his job and has not gone back to work since. He has a problem with cocaine and has major depression/anxiety issues. I've exhausted my efforts in trying to help him emotionally and financially. I finally convinced him to see a doctor about his depression and he finally got on some medication. Which does help him i guess. We've gone to counselling but that does not work. He has not applied for one single job. I am the one who is applying jobs for him which is SAD. He has gotten two jobs but didn't even last A DAY at either job. One claiming - He doesn't take orders from someone who is younger than him and the second job - I am NOT getting paid 15 bucks an hour to do this. WOW I can't even believe it. This guy expects to make good money with no education or effort. UGH.

 

He is living in his parents basement with no intention or plan on ever moving out. He can be verbally abusive and I can see now that he can be very draining to everyone and anyone who is around him. He will use his poor mother's money (they are not well off by any means) to feed his cannabis habit. The money that he does have he will choose to spend it on useless things like clothes and shoes. He doesn't care that his credit is SH*T.

 

Honestly I could go on and on. Why am I prolonging my suffering by staying in this relationship? How can I still be with someone who i don't LIKE?! I don't get it. I am sick of sugarcoating things. I am ashamed that I have lied to myself, my friends and family about him.

 

At this moment I am thinking that I am going to write him a letter and someone give it to him or leave it somewhere where he will open it. I don't want to be in his presence. I know for fact that he will not let me leave or just be plain crazy. Probably call me names or something. UGH I am so just so sick of this.

 

Do you guys think the letter is a good idea? How do I break up with him?

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healing light

Honestly, in this case I think an email or text would do just fine. Then block, delete, and/or change your number. He has drug and mental health issues--if you think he wouldn't let you leave, you're probably right.

 

I know it sounds bad after 3 years, but your safety could be at risk.

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Either do it in a public place or by phone. Cokeheads are some of the sketchiest losers there are, trailing only meth heads.

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Do you guys think the letter is a good idea?

 

Probably not. I'm guessing you want to write to him to explain all the reasons you're leaving him. I think the less detail you give, the better. You don't need to give him an opportunity or a reason to try to argue his side and convince you to stay. Short and sweet - "This isn't working. I'm not in love with you anymore and I'm breaking up with you. Do not contact me in any way, including calls, texts, email, social media, or in person. I do not want to speak to you."

 

I think this should be done over email, so you have proof that you've asked him to stop contacting you. Block him on every platform you can think of and perhaps keep proof of that as well. Because if he does show up somewhere trying to see you, you should call the police and having that proof would probably help.

 

You're going to have to be firm with this. There will be times when you'll feel bad for him and you'll think maybe you should talk to him just this once to explain a few things and give/get closure. This is only going to show him that you will talk to him if he only bothers you enough.

 

And you might want to give a heads up to your friends, family, and workplace. You don't have to tell everyone the whole story, but "I just had a bad breakup and I worry that he'll come here or try to somehow interfere. Please do not give him any information about me, and call the police if you feel it's necessary."

 

You should call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You may think you don't qualify for help from them, since maybe there hasn't been any "violence" per se, but they can give you advice on protecting yourself from him and the best way to break up.

 

For the record, I think you're doing the right thing. You haven't even really described the verbal abuse that goes on, but just based on the info you've given, he does not seem like a good partner, or really that good of a person. He has no problem using the people who care about him, is entitled, can't hold a job because he has a ****ty attitude, has no ambition or desire to be a better person. Even if he were really nice to you and treated you really well, he still wouldn't be a good partner. Get away from him as soon as you can. You can do a lot better without him.

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lana-banana

1) Break up in person, in public. Meet at a nearby coffeeshop or something. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but when emotions are particularly fraught public break-ups are a good idea, because 99% of people will try to keep themselves composed. And if you break up at home then you end up getting drawn into a marathon conversation about what went wrong and how to fix it and it just sucks.

 

2) Tell him that you see yourself going on different paths and you want different things, so you need to go your separate ways. Don't blame him or tell him what he did wrong because then he's just going to insist he can change (he won't). Put the fault on your shoulders so there's nothing he can do about it.

 

3) Because you have concerns for your safety, tell multiple friends that you're meeting him to break up. Text them on your way there with as much information as possible about where you're going and when you're meeting. God forbid anything should happen to you but if it does you will have created ample evidence leading right to him. If you are really worried that he will follow you, arrange for a friend to pick you up afterwards or even meet you there.

 

4) Block him on every platform, including your phone number, as soon as it's over. (You can even do it while he's standing in line for coffee.) If he manages to send you any threatening messages, save them for the police.

 

5) Don't drag the conversation out. Say your piece as quickly as possible and go. If he decides to explode in public, that's on him, but then you'll have dozens of witnesses and he'll probably be restrained by security so you can get out.

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those types of ppl only act out when there is an audience (his family) and a respondent (you) so do not respond to him, write to him if it is easier

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If you have somewhere you can go to be safe until you know what he is going to do/he cools down, I would do that. Go to your parents for a while or stay with a friend.

 

You may want to consider getting some counselling from a women’s shelter. They would have information on how to end it safely. They could also perhaps offer you some counselling.

 

Best wishes.

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Do not write him a letter. Tell him in person calmly. Say that you are done & it's over. Don't give him reasons. If you do, he'll just lie to you & promise to change. You may want to reach out to your therapist to pick the right words.

 

Once you have broken the news to him, especially if you think he's in a terrible frame of mind, call his parents & his doctor to tell them what happened. Then step back & let them deal with him.

 

It might not be a bad idea for you to get away after you tell him so that you are safe.

Edited by d0nnivain
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canadianchick

Thank you guys SO much. I needed this. Wow amazing what the internet has the ability to do compared to seeing what my therapist says! HA!

 

 

Today is the day i'm going to break it off. I don't think I'll be able to do it in person calmly. Judging from the fights we've had in the past, I end up staying the whole day with him even when i don't want to. Ugh i know its horrible. He has NEVER respected my boundaries and this behaviour is what i just grew accustomed to.

 

I talked to his sister on the phone last night. She SEES and knows everything. She knows how he treats me. Even worst, it's not a secret that he treats his parents horribly. Everyone in his family knows it. If it were up to anyone he would have been kicked out along time ago. But his mother is afraid he will end up in the streets/ dead so she always gives in to him. Anyways his sister even told me - He's the type of guy where girls have to break up with him VIA text message. Made me laugh. But it's SO true.

 

Wow i wish i would have done taken some vacation time or something. Or at least ended it on a Friday evening so that i can go away for the weekend. This would have been a great idea! But tomorrow is Monday and i'm off to work. Another good point you guys suggested is keep all our text messages together. I have a habit of deleting text messages from him because they can get nasty and I hate reading them again. This way, if i decided to get a - no contact order. I will.

 

This is it. I need to have the courage to stay strong and follow through with something I have been thinking about for the past year and a half.

 

its true. I have FALLEN out of love with him and i DONT feel the same way. Even if he were to get help with his issues or had a job , I am still DONE!

 

Thank you guys again. You guys are amazing

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Be very careful here for awhile, and do what Donnivain says and let his parents or sibling know to keep an eye on him.

 

You need out. He will have some reaction. Don't be where he can find you. If over the weekend there are reports he is acting nuts, you may have to find a way to really disappear for awhile, but I know he knows where you work and often that's where they'll come looking for you. So you have someone walk you in and out of work for a month and let the boss or security know and give them a photo of him just in case. We had that happen where I work. The woman broke up with this guy she'd been trying to break off with forever and so he showed up at work and the boss had to tell him to leave. If you have building security, by all means give them a name and photo and tell them not to let him in. Don't neglect this just in case he comes up there and, at a minimum, embarrasses the crap out of you. At worst, gets really mean. Check the parking lot before you have someone walk you out at quitting time. Call the police if you see his car out there.

 

Does he own weapons? I'm guessing he does.

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