NicolaM506 Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 (edited) Context: Me [23/f], Him [26/m] We broke up 13th March- I dumped him because I caught him in a lie and found out he had cheated in a previous relationship and was frustrated - it was the straw that broke the camels back. We had broke up a week prior and he told me he was really going to give this relationship a shot, so when I caught him lying it really got to me. Dating this guy 8 months but knew him 8 months prior. The relationship was 50/50 on faults. There definitely were difficulties which both party contributed to- I crossed a line-- I contacted both his exes because I couldn't believe him or who he was anymore. He lied, he would be shady and he cheated on me for the 1st 3 months of the relationship which consequently caused issues. He never fully took accountability or really changed (caught him looking up a girl a month later)- Consequently I just lost all trust in him completely, became insecure and just never knew what the truth was. I definitely struggled to let the relationship go because I was so in love and not realising that it we do need time apart. However I think my actions after the breakup have burnt the bridges of any future reconciliation and I'm in my head about it. When we broke up he said he needed space. Instead I BEGGED -- blowing up his phone, texts, emails. I then sent him a nasty text. He blocked me on everything and I regretted it. I then messaged a friend of his (who he told relationship problems to/was close to) asking if she was aware he cheated previously? (I asked when he had cheated on me and he said no). She never replied. I also asked was she aware about his professional behaviour-- researching a student medic after cheating on me. I also couldn't believe him about the cheating so messaged a random girl asking if he had been messaging her. She replied no and then when we were broken up I had messaged to say she dodged a bullet because I found out he cheated previously too. She then changed her tone and started defending him? Turns out she had been sending all this information back to him. He also refollowed a girl he cheated on me with (sending nudes, explicit photos etc) -- she messaged to see if we were together- I said no and then the whole information about the cheating came out. I could also see a few other girls he followed so I messaged them to keep their guard up. Anyway, after a full month had gone by, he unblocked me. I panicked and did the worst thing I could do- message him. He ignored me, then I got pissed and blocked him. He blocked me back. I rang him and we got into a fight because I confronted him about the girl he followed and previously cheated on me with. I then sent him a nasty email telling him did he expect me to believe he really did miss me (reason he gave for unblocking) when the first thing he did was follow a girl he cheated on me with? I hated his being on bad terms so I went to his house the next day (uninvited). I said if he could change and become what I was looking (honest, transparent, loyal at all times) etc I would consider it again....plus a lot of begging. He told me No, he's not emotionally ready for a r'ship now. I tried to kiss him thinking it would change (LOL CRINGE). He told me he knew everything that I was saying about him but didn't seem angry about it?? Also told me he didn't read the emails and wasn't going to. I left. Messaged the other girl (dodged bullet) asking had she been sending information back. They had been switching notes. I sent him a last email because it's the only thing I wasn't blocked on basically saying- The relationship would never have worked because it was so toxic and he couldn't give me what I want and I couldn't give him what he wanted when he asked (space). Apologised for my behaviour post breakup. Said I wanted to change and god forbid we cross paths again I would hope he changed. Obviously this breakup needed to happen. I just feel **** that it has ended the worst way and I look like a complete and total pyscho because my emotions got the better of me. Additionally, I just feel like any slight minuscule possibility of him changing and me and then there being a future has been completely obliterated. Like would he even reach out after all of this? I have no intentions to reach out again. At this stage I know I need to work and focus on myself. ANY advice would be great. Edited April 26, 2019 by NicolaM506 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 You're mistake is considering getting back with him! You should be proud of what you did and ending it! You're intuition that he wasn't an honest person was correct, and if he was he wouldn't have anything to be upset about! Move on for a better future for yourself! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 At this stage I know I need to work and focus on myself. As much as I genuinely agree with what Oroko posted, there also appears to be a LOT of emotionally erratic behavior on your part in this. So I think what you already wrote above summarizes my input/advice for you quite well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicolaM506 Posted April 26, 2019 Author Share Posted April 26, 2019 Orokotikki, I definitely agree- it genuinely was never going to work. However I do accept my behaviour in this also wasn't the best and whilst I can't change it I have very much so learnt from it and intend to never act like that again. It's just hard going the the motions of all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicolaM506 Posted April 26, 2019 Author Share Posted April 26, 2019 As much as I genuinely agree with what Oroko posted, there also appears to be a LOT of emotionally erratic behavior on your part in this. So I think what you already wrote above summarizes my input/advice for you quite well. Hey Mark! I appreciate the reply. I know. Genuinely this relationship changed me. I started to become a shadow of myself from all the lies, deceit, hiding etc. It definitely was emotionally abusive. I had become so broken down and tolerated so much that I would never have prior. My emotions definitely got the better of me and I can honestly say I've never acted so emotionally charged in my life. I think it was the confusion, hurt, pain etc of coming out of this. This was my first relationship. However, despite these reasons there isn't any excuse for how I reacted and I really have learnt from it. I want to go back to the laidback - no nonsense person I was prior who if I had experienced half of that would have left. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 Trust is the foundation which your relationship is built upon and doubt alone can bring the whole house down. So even if he didn't cheat on you, the fact you doubted him is enough. Make sense? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicolaM506 Posted April 26, 2019 Author Share Posted April 26, 2019 Trust is the foundation which your relationship is built upon and doubt alone can bring the whole house down. So even if he didn't cheat on you, the fact you doubted him is enough. Make sense? Yea, completely! I get what you're saying. The only reason I even doubted him to begin with was his behaviour- he was so guarded around his phone,distant when I was trying to understand if everything was ok and then he got a call on snapchat at 12am and made up some excuse. Plus he showed me something on Instagram once and had 7 messages in his notifications box. But yea, those are the reasons that led me to doubt him and then I checked his phone. Also I have NEVER checked anyones phone in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
dim84 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 You got obsessed with cheating. Then made a stalker on steroids. This is 90% on you. Link to post Share on other sites
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