Should I be insulted?

[Poke]

He dumped me by text and said “I don’t mean to hurt you.”

We have had no contact for 3 weeks until today when I returned something of his. We were civil with each other and it was like nothing had happened, before I even got home he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I don’t get it? We were in an exclusive relationship, talked about the future even. His actions matched his eyes and I know he loved me, but we are both older, so don’t need to be playing games. I don’t know how someone can go from love to friends so fast? Should I accept his friend request or not?

[Redhead14]

Dumped by text? I wouldn't be insulted. I'd be embarrassed that I'd had a relationship with such an immature man. That's a completely cowardly and disrespectful way for a mature adult to handle breaking up an exclusive relationship.

 

 

Count your blessings that you've seen a side of him that isn't very attractive. And, no don't accept his friend request. It's breadcrumbs.

[Inspire]

Why on earth would you want to friend someone who dumped you by text message? Do you not expect more of someone that you're in a committed relationship with?

[todreaminblue]

its become so easy to discard people these days.....technology is having great progress but abuse of technology isnt progress..to me dumping someone by text message is not something you do..its callous disrespect......a phone call or in person is my idea of respect....

 

especially for someone you have been intimate with or when dealing with a true friend.....which brings me to the fact of a friend request ...he hasnt treated you like a friend and i would question him wanting to be your friend with the callous and disinterested way he has treated you...friends are thoughtful,loving and kind..... he has shown you no kindness....if you do give him a chance which i am apt to give people myself and have given many chances....

 

...be honest with your feelings to him and what behaviours you will not accept in the future..... dont let yourself be treated any lower than your real worth....which is...of course...priceless...and start your friendship with all the cards on the table and an understanding on how you wish to be treated ....if he cant handle the truth or shows no understanding..he is not meant to be your friend ...if you still have intimate inclinations towards this guy....do not accept a friend request....its time for your goodbye..you cannot remain friends.........deb

[Inspire]

So true Deb. Well said!

 

I am not really sure what to make of his advance, but it really doesn't matter, does it? His actions forced your hand. That's just the way that I see it.

 

He is not worthy of your heart or friendship. A better man would have given you the respect you deserve.

[gradh]

He wants to be Facebook friends so he can continue to monitor your life. He either wants to take delight in that you are pining away for him or he wants you to have to witness it when he has someone new. I would just ignore it.

[Poke]

He wants to be Facebook friends so he can continue to monitor your life. He either wants to take delight in that you are pining away for him or he wants you to have to witness it when he has someone new. I would just ignore it.

 

I accepted his request. I feel sorry for him, a 50 year old who does nothing but work and go bowling. I was the best girlfriend he has had, and probably ever will. I loved his charm, personality, and sense of humor. He’s short, bald, and could lose a few pounds, in other words not a looker. I on the other hand am tall, blonde haired, and thin. I have no problems finding guys, they just flake on me and don’t stick around! Oh well if he wants to monitor me, I have nothing to hide.

[TheFinalWord]

What I'm going to say is harsh, but it's reality...I'm not saying this to be cruel, but to help you see what is really going on so you don't let this impact you or get a false hope. Deb's advice is spot on (as usual) and what I am going to say is some tough love.

 

The truth is you ego has been busted because you were dumped by a guy way below you in the looks dept. He valued the "relationship" so little that he can go from being with you, to just seeing you as a friend without a second thought. He dumped you over text. He's 50 and has a charming personality, but can't look you in the eye and tell you it's over. That doesn't sound like a charming guy to me. Just like the other guys that use you and toss you, it's now happened by a guy that doesn't have any physical appeal. Maybe you thought he'd stick around because you are attractive and way better than he can do. Who knows. He obviously didn't see it that way.

 

You're not doing him any favor by adding him out of sympathy. You want him to regret his decision because he's not good looking. He's already thought through all of that and still decided he didn't want you. What you had to offer as the best GF he ever had or will have, was not enough. Why do you want him in your life, or creeping your FB?

 

I would have advised not accepting the request. In fact, I would block and give no explanation.

Edited April 28, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Poke]

TheFinalWord, you are spot on! He did bruise my ego, but only for a minute. He couldn’t look me in the eye and say it was over because he still has feelings for me. He has been so damaged by women in the past that when I came along he was always saying to all his friends and even strangers how lucky he was to have me. I think his insecurities raised their ugly head and so he pushed me away to avoid his feelings. The man works and goes bowling practically every night of the week, his only friends are bowling pals. I guess I accepted his friends request out of spite to show him how I will be able to move on. Petty I know, but you know bruised ego and all.....

[Poke]

I don’t get this guy? He was very active on Facebook before he friended me, but since then he’s posted only 2 things. It’s not like he posted important stuff before, it was mostly silly things about cats or bowling. I am posting like usual, in fact I posted about the restaurant I went on a date to last night. He never likes any of the stuff I post or my pictures. If he’s spying on me, what’s the point? He was the one who broke up with me!

[dim84]

You could have asked him why he wants to break up, just for feedback purposes.

A man usually is honest except if he is too embarrass to admit.

 

Now it's to late to come with explanatory questions.

 

 

Doesn't make sense his behavior, if I had to guess I would say that he felt stressed or trapped. Are you over controlling, over demanding (especially sexually) or pressing matters too much for an engagement ? Did he felt like he couldn't meet your expectations (monetary, sexually, socially) etc?

 

But I am only speculating here.

[Poke]

You could have asked him why he wants to break up, just for feedback purposes.

A man usually is honest except if he is too embarrass to admit.

 

Now it's to late to come with explanatory questions.

 

 

Doesn't make sense his behavior, if I had to guess I would say that he felt stressed or trapped. Are you over controlling, over demanding (especially sexually) or pressing matters too much for an engagement ? Did he felt like he couldn't meet your expectations (monetary, sexually, socially) etc?

 

But I am only speculating here.

 

When he broke up with me by text, I actually did ask him why. He wouldn’t tell me, only “I don’t mean to hurt you” I can’t think of anything I did? I went to his bowling stuff and he commented that I was the only girlfriend he ever had who would actually go watch him and cheer him on. He did have some issues in the bedroom, but I told him it didn’t bother me, It’s not like we are in our 20’s. I can get by with kisses and cuddles. If he would have communicated with me what was wrong we could have worked through it. I’m not high maintenance or materialistic, but I am tired of dating and he should have been the one.

[dim84]

Any family issues from his part?

Ex wife, kids, parents?

Could he hiding something?

Are you sure he wasn't stressed too much by sexual performance?

 

What worries me is that you say that you are getting left too often.

You do sound reasonable and with soft skills,

but must be in you nevertheless.

Men don't dump women these days easily, you do need to figure this out. Ask friends or family to brainstorm.

 

Usually I am very straightforward but three times I couldn't explain the truth could not be told. Two times I had no erotic interest whatsoever from the beginning... (but you excluded this saying that you are pretty) and the third time I had lied very badly about me and I was too embarrassed to risk getting uncovered.

[TheFinalWord]

Sounds like you're posting about dates on FB to make him jealous. I'm sure he sees right through that...

 

His activities on FB likely have nothing to do with you. For all you know, he could have you hidden from his posts. I used to do that with exes I was friends with; now I just remove them.

 

I honestly don't think he pushed you away because you were so good to him and he didn't think he deserved it. That is a protection message we tell ourselves to rationalize the break up.

 

I think you should just remove him from FB and move on with your life. It's not worth trying to play detective with his FB activities.

[Poke]

Sounds like you're posting about dates on FB to make him jealous. I'm sure he sees right through that...

 

His activities on FB likely have nothing to do with you. For all you know, he could have you hidden from his posts. I used to do that with exes I was friends with; now I just remove them.

 

I honestly don't think he pushed you away because you were so good to him and he didn't think he deserved it. That is a protection message we tell ourselves to rationalize the break up.

 

I think you should just remove him from FB and move on with your life. It's not worth trying to play detective with his FB activities.

 

Not trying to make him jealous, just sending out the message that I’m moving on.

 

His activities don’t have anything to do with me, I don’t bowl! I’m not playing detective, when I finally noticed his inactivity on Facebook I just started to wonder why the change?

 

I don’t understand why he pushed me away, Things were going great with no issues that I can see, then boom, breakup. It sucks I will never know the answer, he is a selfish man for denying me any closure, but I am getting on with my life.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sometimes love sucks.

 

We finally find someone where we feel ready and safe enough to let down our guard and trust.

 

Sometimes it goes well and sometimes it doesn't but how else can you truly fall in love if you don't risk getting hurt?

 

It was very immature of him to have broken up with you via text. That's clear as crystal.

 

Understanding why he did what he did is an exercise in futility, particularly if he's not willing to offer any feedback.

 

Personally, you should have no contact with him. Period.

 

You're basically rewarding bad behavior in a sense - he didn't want you as a girlfriend but wants to keep you as a friend yet he didn't bother honoring your relationship or you with a proper conversation.

 

That's an automatic deal breaker in my mind.

 

Delete. Block. Move on.

 

He's not worth keeping around for ANY reason.

[TheFinalWord]

Just my two cents, but I recommend not trying to send him any covert messages. He doesn't deserve access to your life in any way. But I would also remove him.

 

What I mean about bowling is he might be hiding his posts from you. Just so you don't see what he's up to.

 

He sounds like a jerk. But, yeah, I agree, I think it's best to try to move on. I'd recommend giving yourself some time. Sorry because I know it's frustrating.

[snowcones]

He dumped me by text and said “I don’t mean to hurt you.”

We have had no contact for 3 weeks until today when I returned something of his. We were civil with each other and it was like nothing had happened, before I even got home he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I don’t get it? We were in an exclusive relationship, talked about the future even. His actions matched his eyes and I know he loved me, but we are both older, so don’t need to be playing games. I don’t know how someone can go from love to friends so fast? Should I accept his friend request or not?

 

 

No! Absolutely not. Maybe in time you can but not right now. I would decline it for now. I had to do this with my Ex too. In time when you are healed (could be months, could be years, only you will know) you can be his facebook friend, but not right now.

[Poke]

So I went over to his house today. We had texted some yesterday, so he knew I was coming over. We had a nice conversation and I got my closure, so I’m happy. He has dark circles under his eyes and is depressed, so he isn’t happy. He did want to sleep with me, but I told him no, and if he needed anything to let me know, but only as a friend.