Should i end this relationship?

[Honey565]

Hello guys, i would really need some help regarding this issue.

 

I am in relationship that lasts almost 2 years. In the beginning of this year we had agreed to start living together and to do so, we have agreed to live in my appartment and do a renovation.

 

He was really nice, treating me well, my friends and family, but since the beginning of the relationship, we always had same problem. He is pretty irresponsible when it comes to respecting times, always coming in the last minute. As a result, it happened many times that we had arguments. Also as an result of irresponsible attitude towards his own life, he pretty often runs out of the time, not because he is so overloaded, but because he organizes his time in very bad manner. And also because he is not disciplined in a moments when he has more obligations, he often fails to complete everything that he promised he would.

 

During our dating, it bothered me, but i thought that nobody is perfect so you need to make some compromises, but recently when i have started these serious works in renovation, i constantly felt dissapointed and we started arguing much more.

 

In reality, i was the one doing all the work. He would come at most twice weekly to help, and i can't say that he didn't try, but many times he would come very tired, sleep a lot, and next day would be in hurry. I really felt on my own through all the process. His excuse for being absent is fine, but it's how life is. When you have more to do, you must try harder.

 

Every time when i have expressed my point of view, at first he would madly reply "ok, i won't take exam, and i will come here to help you", as if i was not understanding but later, he would say that he would try harder and that i have right.

 

Finally, flat was ready and he could move in. Last week he was about to bring his things and then he brought some clothes.

 

We agreed that on Friday, he should be bringing the rest and move in. We have set the time, around 5 p.m previous day. He sent me a message around 4 p.m that he got home from university and that he will take a bit of rest and then see what he will do with clothes.

 

I called at 5 p.m but he was not answering. I knew instantly what was happening, he fall asleep. That is how he is, he turns out from the world. It's not that he sleeps with one part of the brain turned on if he has something to do. He called at 7:30 p.m saying that he was very tired, had exams last couple of days, not sleeping a lot and that he would bring his things then. I got very mad, like never before, i was so sick and tired of that. He pretended that it's not an issue, and that 2 hours do not change anything. And yes, they don't, but it's awful feeling, when you can't rely on person.

 

That night i told him everything over the phone. That he is not responsible, that i don't need person like that and next day we met to talk. I told him that i am dissapointed and that i want to call off everything. He asked me for second chance, saying that things would change when we start living together, that he won't lose so much time in transport and that he knows that he has problem with that, but is slowly changing and trying to be better person for me.

 

At first i didn't accept. I said that it was over. I took one more day and thought "ok, life is like that, you must make compromises", and sent him a message that he can come and bring clothes. He responded "thanks for the offer, another time".

 

I have just responded "OK" but in reality, i went furious. The worst thing is that everybody around me, my parents, are asking me every day when he is coming, my friends know that we are moving in, i spent lots of money to renovate, and now, i feel awful.

 

This morning he called to ask if i can help him with some charts and i did that. I haven't asked anything, and he didn't mention anything apart from that.

 

I am really thinking what should i do. It's like i can't lie anymore to my parents and friends and think out of the excuses, and if i say something what is happening, i know that there won't be a way back. I feel like trapped.

[mark clemson]

I think this characteristic of being unreliable is unlikely to change. Is he at a very specific and special time in his life that's causing his behavior? If not, then it's something you would have to live with probably long term if you stay together.

[bathtub-row]

His behavior makes you completely nuts, so you should recognize that the two of you are not compatible. Just cut out the cancer and move on.

[preraph]

You're not compatible. You're organized and he isn't. Take it from someone who has a family member like that, they don't WANT to be on time or have to go by any schedule or organize anything. He will be putting out fires as they happen the rest of his life instead of preventing catastrophes.

 

Don't move in with him. You learned a lot in this process. I won't call him lazy because I don't know, but he doesn't want to change and won't. He is disorganized and some people are like that exactly so that YOU will just do it instead of waiting for them. I wouldn't put up with him for a day.

[Honey565]

Thank you all for advices.

 

That is what i have told him on Saturday, that i think that he is like that and that it won't change ever.

 

The situation is pretty awful now, i have house fully prepared for two and everbody is asking questions.

 

Terrible moment for ending. I keep on blaming myself for starting this project and not ending it sooner.

[Beachead]

Hi Honey565,

 

Relationships are always rough when you're going through hard times like this. Should you stay and give more effort or call it quits and leave. I can tell you whether you choose to stay or leave..make sure it's what YOU want to do in this moment. Don't let the pressure of family and friends influence you in anyway.

 

If he's always been this way, then he's naturally unreliable and it's unlikely, moving in together will change anything. You mentioned he's a student.

I can tell you having been a student myself for a long time, school can be a very unorganized, anxiety/stress inducing process. You just generally feel unsettled in your life. Mentally, you're in a terrible place. You're broke. Your career is still in development. You have family and friend obligations, maybe a relationship to tend to, errands to run...all of which cut into study time which is absolutely crucial. People's expectations end up costing you a lot of time and your study plans end up getting pushed down the timeline. Assignments, tests, exam, group projects and presentations always around the corner. Anxiety and stress climb and you just shut off and want to sleep most of the time.

 

I used to sleep a lot, became irritable, antisocial. I don't think anyone really understood how stressful it was for me to commit to plans or errands that were expected of me. I only had energy and time for myself. I had to become a lot more selfish, self-centered and unreliable to do well in school.

 

None of this helps your situation though because you feel like the man you want to spend your life with isn't there for you and that's perfectly understandable. If he's unreliable today, who's to say he won't be unreliable tomorrow. So I can understand your worries and concerns and why you feel this way. You want support. Whether you leave or stay..you're not wrong.

 

I think the both you and him are in different stages in your life at this point. He needs to get through his degree and settle out in his career. I'm not sure how much schooling is left for him but it might take him another few years to settle out. If you care for him and still want to be with him, you'll have to show a tremendous amount of patience and forgiveness. You could hold off on the move, relax the relationship pace, and give him time to finish his degree and just take it slowly. That could be alternative to breaking up.

 

- Beach

[bathtub-row]

Terrible moment for ending. I keep on blaming myself for starting this project and not ending it sooner.

 

Well, it could’ve been a lot worse — you could’ve married the guy and had 3 kids with him before you woke up. So, now how does your timing look? ?

[OatsAndHall]

I understand your frustration with the situation but SOMETHING must click between the two of you if you've decided to move in together. You've seen this pattern of behavior from him for a long time but you both decided to go through with moving in together. As such, I wouldn't be so quick to throw in the towel; I suggest giving it a shot and see what happens. If he's still in university than he's young and his behavior is a matter of maturity. You'd be surprised what a few years of growing up and then going into the real world might do for him.