Always trust your gut

[djcos25]

Hey everyone. I recently had a breakup this past January, wanted to see what others thought, see if maybe I did anything wrong. I feel like here is much more friendlier then reddit lol.

 

 

Six years ago (I was 26) I was talking with this girl for about 2 weeks. We got along great, there was never any thoughts of "when is a good time to text/call her?" She was the type of person where it seemed like you knew her for years even if you haven't. She found out I was a virgin. It was more of a choice - I wanted to find the right person. I wasn't going out looking for sex with anyone. She told me she didn't want to teach anyone, and that it wasn't her thing. A few days later she snaps at me and says "You need to get laid or you'll never find anyone" and hung up on me. That hurt pretty bad, I was hurt for a while after that. 3 months later I had my first relationship (and lost my virginity).

 

Fast forward now, I'm 32 (33 in May) with my own home (actually a year ago now I moved in), a new car and a full time job. I got my new position in November, which I finally have weekends off! Basically, things are going great. The house I bought is one that I intend to start a family with - 3 bedroom, finished basement (mancave for me), a pool, garage.

 

One of my coworkers who trained me when I started my job in 2014 knows this girl. We have become very close, and I have told her what happened between us in the past. Not that I didn't want her to, but she mentioned me to her, saying she broke my heart. She didn't remember me at first, but when she saw a picture she immediately remembered. After, she said "oh maybe I was a bit mean to him." So now my coworker is telling me she wants to meet. I said no right away, because of the pain of what she said. Thing is, I really started to like her back then, and to have her snap and say that crap was just a gut punch. But me, stupid, agreed to meet.

 

We ended up dating for 3 months. Honestly things were going good, but I was taking it slow because of what happened before. Half of me was saying "hey man let it go she apologized about it" but another part of me was saying "get out, get out, get out!" We always busted each others balls, always were joking and having a good time. It seemed we picked up where we did 6 years ago, before she blew up at me.

 

Now around December, she wanted a break. She thought we took things too fast. Keep in mind, her past relationship of 3 years, the guy treated her like crap, going as far as bruising her wrists. This "break" lasted maybe 2 weeks. We got back together around mid-December. Now from then until she broke up with me we didn't have sex. The first week it was her time of the month, the next 2 weeks she was sick. I even told her I didn't want to initiate anything because I knew how she was feeling and she understood. This is around when she started getting attitude with me.

 

For example, she slept over Christmas Eve. Christmas morning, she asks when I was going over my Aunts. Now me, thinking outloud, I said "Well I gotta go to my cousins, my Dads.." then she cut me off and said "That's not what I'm asking!" with an attitude. She would do this frequently. I'm sorry but that's how I am sometimes. On Christmas Eve I even had a talk with her about why shes been snappy lately, and she acknowledged it.

 

Another time was when I was supposed to go over her familys house to exchange gifts. I was supposed to have a display case delivered to my house that week. Of course, it was that night I was going over her familys house. I was trying to set up a day/time for them to show up. Things got screwed up and they just called and said "Hey we're on our way with the display case!" So I'm left there with nobody to help me move this thing. Luckily one of my friends came over and helped. I called her to let her know I was gonna be a few minutes late, and said we were bringing it in the garage now. I can hear her attitude again, she was like "Why can't you.. just.. ok. Nevermind."

 

Another time, I brought her over to one of my close friends place, he was having a get together. She asked me "Which one is Raquel?" I said "My friend Matt's wife." Again, she replied "That's not what I'm asking!" I interpreted it the wrong way, and pointed out who she was. So I tried to make light of it and joked "sorry I can be slow at times" and she replies, with such a dead stare, "Yeah I've noticed." I'm sitting there like ok..? When I joke like that, I say it with a smirk, so you know I'm only joking. I legit did not know if she was serious or not. After, on the way home I simply said sorry, that I interpreted what you said the wrong way. She apologized and said she should have been more clear. Still though, what the f***.

 

A few days before she broke up with me, I texted her asking how her day was. She replies "fine." I could tell something was up, and asked her "everything ok?" and shes like "yeah..." She never replies like that, so I simply asked to tell me what was going on. I was trying to cheer her up. We ended up getting into a little argument, which I thought was completely unnecessary.

 

We grabbed dinner a few nights later. I'm using the GPS to get to the restaurant. As we got closer, she tells me I can put the GPS away, she can tell me how to get there now. I replied ok, but she didn't hear me. I didn't know that. Then all of a sudden she snaps at me and yells "YOU CAN PUT THAT AWAY NOW!" I just sat there in shock, I'm like what the hell did I do? We got home after dinner, she comes into my house and grabs a few things she left. I could tell something was up. I told her to text me when she got home. She never did. I had to text her to she if she got home, and she replied she did.

 

The next day I see that she blocked me on facebook. I check my phone to a text saying "I don't think we're a good match." I respond with "Ok why? And why are we doing this over text?" Later, from what I recall, she texted saying how she made it clear sex was a big part of her relationships, and that we don't have any (we only had it 3 times before the break in December, I will get into that later), that I don't last long (embarrassing I know), I always look for confirmation that we are ok, and I don't listen to music.

 

Ok so let me break it down. We had sex 3 times before the break in December. When we got back together, as I said before, it was her time of the month one week, then the next 2 weeks she was sick. By then, thats when her attitude started. That is such a huge turn off for me. I kept thinking "Oh it'll stop eventually" and it never did. Her attitude actually made her unattractive to me. I have never asked her for confirmation. That argument we got into a few days prior, I was just trying to make her feel better, thats all. I have never asked if WE were ok. Lastly, I do listen to music. By then, I felt like she was reaching for things at this point. She said how I don't play music when we're at home. I don't cause we're always watching TV! Why am I gonna play music when watching TV? Or even in the car, I wanna talk to you, ask how your day is, etc. When she was driving, she would play music, and wanted to just listen and not talk, that she has talked to people all day at work. Yeah so have I. You can just listen to music on the way to my house, right? I admit, maybe I shouldn't have done this but after I drove to her mothers house and dropped off the food she left at my place. I just wanted it out of my house. I didn't want to throw it out or eat it, then be called an a**hole for it. I had a long talk with her mother, who knew what she did/said to me 6 years ago. She took my number and said she would call the next day.

 

I ended up sending my ex a long text, basically explaining myself as I did here to her. All the emotions just poured out. I did not swear at her, the only "bad" thing I really said was I didn't want to have sex because of how much of a bitch you have been to me. My coworker told her to unblock me and talk to me after I told her what happened. By the time she unblocked me, I had just sent that text so I was steaming. She said "hi" so I simply said "bye" and blocked her. The last thing in the text I said was I'm blocking you, let's keep it that way. I also found it funny how she could block me, someone who treated her so well, but stay facebook friends with her ex who abused her. Whatever.

 

It's funny though, after that I felt so much better. I was more relieved then hurt honestly. Happy I don't have to hear that attitude anymore, happy I don't have to have what she did to me in the back of my mind anymore, happy I got my me time back, and that I don't have to answer to anyone. I will admit, it is a bit sad sometimes coming home to an empty house, but it is what it is.

 

Now the mother did not call the next day. A few days later she texted me from her sons phone. She basically said she was sorry I'm still hurting, and that I'm banned from coming up now, and that it was a little weird that I showed up. That actually did hurt, because the family LOVED me. I heard my ex would come home crying because of how well I treated her. My coworker told me she was always asking is it too early to say I love you, and that she wants to marry me. I was told her mother always joked I was going to be her future son-in-law. She got me a picture of my Mom in a snow globe, and blown up on a portrait (I lost my mom when I was 6). My ex's sister loved me, even joking "Team Dave!" The family was upset with her for breaking up with me. I only went up there to drop off the food she had left.

 

 

I'm sorry this is long, I tried to shorten it up best I could, but it didn't work. I just wanted to see what others thought. Again, I'm honestly more relieved then hurt.

 

And to everyone reading - trust your gut.

Edited April 22, 2019 by djcos25

[Inspire]

Definitely go with your gut. Her initial reaction to you being a virgin at the time was completely uncalled for. Good riddance as far as I am concerned.

 

As for the food, I would have trashed it.

[Marc878]

She's just not a great person. She showed you that upfront but yet you went back for more.

 

Your taking her crap sounds like you're a bit doormatish.

 

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" it's free and a short read it'll help you going forward.

 

Block this one on everything.

[djcos25]

@ Inspire: Oh believe me I wanted to eat most of the food she left, some was spaghetti and I'm Italian lol. I tried to do what I thought was best. I returned the food, I'm banned from coming up. But if I ate or threw it away, and she wanted it back, I'm labeled an a**hole. No winning lol.

 

 

@ Marc878: I realize that. She did apologize, and I figured 6 years later she would have matured. I was wrong. Lesson learned.

Edited April 22, 2019 by djcos25

[preraph]

I think both of you sound annoying and incompatible, frankly. I can see why both of you are annoyed with the other. It's like you don't listen to the details and kind of ramble. And she has no patience and a bad temper.

 

And things like the music/tv, you should be compromising on or -- as I would do, put a tv or stereo in the other room so both didn't have to agree to be doing the same thing in the same room.

 

On top of that, you deciding to be a virgin puts you in a special category, so you need someone who understands why you would choose that, because it reflects more than just that one thing and is part of a bigger facet of your personality a lot of people would have trouble relating to. You might still be a virgin today if she hadn't told you to basically snap out of it back then. Because her view represents a lot of women's view on the subject and the longer you wait, the more of an outlier you are from the general populace. So you really narrowed your field of people from whatever drove you to go that route and I imagine a lot of your personality still reflect whatever that was that motivated you back then. You will have more of a challenge.

 

On the plus side, you have built a life for yourself and are independent, so just keep doing that. Build your own life. Don't put it on hold while you wait to meet the right woman. Good luck.

[djcos25]

I think both of you sound annoying

 

Please enlighten me. I don't see how I come across as annoying? I'm very laid back, please tell me so I can explain. You don't know me personally, so I think that's an unfair judgement.

[Libragirl1210]

You seem like a nice guy and she sounds like a bit of a nightmare to be honest, like someone who is never happy no matter what you do. I’d say you dodged a bullet so just block and delete and never look back. Not worth the never ending drama

[Orokotikki]

Run far from this mess, and try to understand why you put up with so much crap from her.

It creates a vicious cycle where she respected you less and less over time, not that she seemed to have much respect for you in the beginning.

 

Her previous crap relationship and however it may have altered her are no excuse, and not your mess to tolerate. By tolerating her **** attitude you do nothing helpful to either of you.

 

Block everywhere, move on, and examine why you thought this was OK (because its NOT), and how you will extricate yourself from future partners like this (or avoid to begin with).

[djcos25]

You seem like a nice guy and she sounds like a bit of a nightmare to be honest, like someone who is never happy no matter what you do. I’d say you dodged a bullet so just block and delete and never look back. Not worth the never ending drama

 

Thank you. That's exactly how it felt honestly. Towards the end I feel like I was walking on eggshells with her. Sometimes when I explain things I don't get right to the point. I get it can be frustrating. That's just how I am. But its no reason for her to get impatient all the time and give me attitude.

 

Run far from this mess, and try to understand why you put up with so much crap from her.

It creates a vicious cycle where she respected you less and less over time, not that she seemed to have much respect for you in the beginning.

 

Her previous crap relationship and however it may have altered her are no excuse, and not your mess to tolerate. By tolerating her **** attitude you do nothing helpful to either of you.

 

Block everywhere, move on, and examine why you thought this was OK (because its NOT), and how you will extricate yourself from future partners like this (or avoid to begin with).

 

Yeah in the text I sent her I mentioned that I didn't care what was going on, you treat me with respect like I respected you. I thought the attitude would eventually stop and it didn't. My Father is a typical Italian, he talks loud which also comes from doing construction so he's used to talking loud. She mentions that she doesn't like how he talks to me sometimes. That's just how he is. But its ok for you to act like how you did towards me? Ok.

 

 

This breakup happened in January, a week into the new year. I ran into my coworker the other day and it reminded me of what happened so I wanted to post here and get others opinions of what happened. 6 years ago I thought I screwed up somehow. Now I can see its her. She was immediately blocked on everything. I was never bummed out really, after the text I sent her it was like a weight was lifted. I honestly did feel better. I just don't get how someone can flip a switch and act like that.

 

Also I've been reading over my post, still don't get the "annoying" comment. It's not like I argued with her or anything or was immature. I guess some people like to throw in a jab whenever they can.

[LivingWaterPlease]

As someone said earlier, she sounds like a nightmare.

 

I've know women like that (I'm a woman but have observed that type behavior). They are miserable unhappy people and, imo, you're fortunate to have gotten away from her however it happened,.

[mousse]

I relate a lot to your story because I've been in many relationships like that where the other person mistreated me and yet I stayed I recognize a bit of myself in your story. I'm a sensitive person who's very independent but I can be a bit of a doormat in my relationships. I've learned the hard way that I have to stay away from bad people and also that it's better to be alone than in bad company. I think you're doing the right thing by blocking her and moving on and I'm not surprised that you're feeling relief that this is over...try to be more selective in the future and be careful about who you let into your life. You seem to have a lot going for you, don't waste it with people who don't deserve you.

 

Good luck.

[TheFinalWord]

Damaged people, damage people.

 

The way she talked so harshly to you, that is the way she is used to talking with, and being talked to by men. That's all she knows.

 

She doesn't know how to say things in a way that are constructive, such as..."djcos25, I feel we aren't intimate enough. I want us to work on that..." Instead, she just say something unforgivable in a mean way and breaks up.

 

She doesn't want to try to work through it, she just wants to break up. That's what people do when they don't have skills to work through problems.

 

She's not LTR material.

 

Some time may have passed from your initial interaction until now, but she's still the same person. Mean people don't tend to change, or become kind over time. If anything, they become more bitter because they tend to date the same type of abusive men. Then they don't know a good man when they have one. That's nice her family liked you, but at the end of the day, you're the one that has to live with her.

[spiderowl]

She started out being mean to you. What kind of person tells you to go and get laid? Not a very empathic one. People who lack empathy are trouble. She started out mean and she was not likely to change.

 

You are well rid!