Slept with ex a week after breakup - what now?

[shb]

People on here are usually objective and, more importantly, tell it straight, so any appraisals and/or suggestions would be very much appreciated.

 

So, this is the deal:

 

Two months after breaking up with my last ex in April last year, I met a girl in a bar. She was 23, I was 28. It was only meant to be a 'healing' sort of fling thing, as she had also broken up with her last boyfriend about two months before. We ended up at hers, same thing happened again two days later, etc. until after six weeks she asked me if we could see each other exclusively. Obviously I said yes, although at the time I was still cut up about my previous girlfriend.

 

She was all over me and clearly in love, but, while I loved her and we had the same interests and had a lot of fun together (it also felt natural, no effort at all) there was a part of me that still desired my ex and I couldn't quite see her as 'the one'. How I regret that now.

 

Eight months later (including three months living together while she found a new job and place of her own) and I started getting complacent and taking her for granted.

 

E.g. she likes going out to bars with her friends, who are a similar age, and would always invite me, even making the effort to tell me when particular friends she knew I got along with were there, but I would more more often than not say I was too tired from work (entirely true) and tell her I would see her the next day.

 

This also went the other way: she'd be out drinking and would call to ask if she could come to my house after, but I would generally say it was too late (which was usually about 1-2am) and that I would see her the next day.

 

These aren't the only examples, but they give an idea of the dynamic of the relationship - her making all the effort, me doing the bare minimum.

 

So, of course, three weeks ago she broke up with me.

 

I accepted it, and managed about two days before calling her and asking if we could meet. We met and talked about it, I admitted that I'd been a complete d*** and apologised, and after about three hours I convinced her to give me a second chance. I stayed the night, and the next day we went to spend the weekend at her mother's house. It was the first time I'd met her family, we got along really well, and the entire weekend was great. I thought I'd saved it.

 

Then on the last night she took a turn. She burst into tears, and after a while of trying get sense out of her she finally said: "I just don't understand how someone can act like you did (basically being an indifferent d***) for so long, and then be so funny and charming and sweet and interesting (basically how I was at the start of the relationship). As if you can just turn it on and off when you want."

 

The above quote may not seem important, but you'll see how it is very soon.

 

Anyway, we eventually went to sleep, went back to our city the next day, and back to work. Every night that week she asked me to come over after work,I did, and it was going amazingly - just how it had been when we were together. This continued until the Thursday, when her friend came to visit for a long weekend, and we next saw each other on the Saturday for brunch with the friend, before I had go off and do my business for the day. This was Saturday a week ago.

 

That night I went to hers to pick her up to go out on the town (in order to show her that I was now very willing to make the effort). It was completely normal for about 10 minutes (very affectionate, all over me etc.), then suddenly she stood up and said she thinks we should break up.

 

She started talking about not wanting to be attached to anyone, needing to focus on her career, and saying that she really loved me still but didn't have the mental space for another person. I expressed surprise, particularly as she always had the mental space before, and asked if she was sure. She was crying and said she wasn't sure at all, but felt like this is what needed to be done. I told her she'd broken my heart, and left. Very controlled, didn't let her see me emotional - obviously I sobbed my eyes out once I'd walked about three streets away, but I learned a lot with regard to how to conduct myself from previous breakups.

 

The next few days were awful, but luckily I was away with work and didn't contact her.

 

Then on Wednesday night I went out with an old friend, and after a couple of beers he revealed that he had cancer and probably won't make it through. Naturally that put things in perspective: we got very drunk together, as you would.

 

But when I got home I broke. I was so upset by the combination of the breakup and my friend's terrible news that I texted my ex saying I missed her. Then I passed out.

 

The next morning there was no reply, and I figured she was definitely gone.

 

Then at 11am, about the time she takes her break in work, the 'I miss you too' text arrived. I groaned so loud at my desk that all my colleagues turned around.

 

Before I knew what was going on (the whole week is a blur due to lack of sleep), it was 11.30pm that night and I was at her house having really passionate sex with her. Seriously, LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

 

Afterwards we cuddled and joked around, she was all over me again, rubbing her nose against mine, kissing me, running her hands all over, burying her head into my neck, hugging me as tight as she physically could - the whole deal. It felt like we'd never broken up.

 

Eventually I had to leave as I was going away the next day and needed pack, but before I did she suggested that we continue to see each other.

 

"Everyday?" I said.

 

She shook her head. "No, because then it wouldn't be special."

 

I shrugged and said okay, then moved towards the door. Before I'd gone a couple of steps she was on me again, hugging me tightly and kissing me.

 

This went on for about 10 mins, until I really had to leave. But before I did, she asked if I was still going away for the weekend (I'd mentioned a while back that I was), and I said yes and asked her if she wanted to come with me.

 

Her answer was that she needed a break from everything, and wanted to spend the weekend relaxing at home on her own.

 

But there's something else.

 

She knows I have a date lined up next week - early on in the evening she asked if I was seeing anyone else yet, and I was honest with her. Naturally she was shocked, telling me that she couldn't even contemplate seeing anyone else because she's still so emotionally attached to me.

 

Then she says, "Aren't you still emotionally to me? It would be so weird if you weren't - like you can just turn it off at will?" See how this links back to the thing she said about me turning my charm on and off?

 

I calmly reminded her that she broke up me and I didn't want of this, I love her and want to be with her, but I have to deal with the situation and this is how I feel is the best way to do it. It was then that she hugged me again, and said "I need to think about things."

 

Then I left, saying I'd see her sometime. Now it's two days later and we haven't spoken.

 

I don't plan on contacting her again. She knows I love her, she knows I want to be with her, and she knows that I am absolutely willing to be a better boyfriend. She said she needs to think about things, and as much as it kills me to not see or speak to her, I'm going to let her.

 

But is this end? I seriously have no idea. I thought it was done - TWICE - yet less than 48 hours ago we were acting like a loved up couple in her bed.

 

I don't want this post to have read like I'm okay with everything - I'm not, I'm completely heartbroken, can't sleep, can barely eat, and - despite it taking a while to realise this - honestly think this girl could be the One. I just don't want to gush all over anyone unfortunate enough to be reading this.

 

Is she reconsidering, or just having a hard time processing everything? If she scared that if she takes me back that it will be fine for a few months then I'll revert to my old ways? Or is she set on the break up, for whatever reason, and just using the sex to numb the pain of the early stages?

 

One of my friends suggested that she thinks I'm a psychopath - hence why I mentioned those two things she said about turning it on and off at will. I don't think I am, but does she?

 

I hope not.

 

More than anything, I love this girl and I just want her to give me a real shot at treating her how she deserves.

 

Any input would be really appreciated. Thank you.

[preraph]

I mean, you're right that that whole thing about you turning it on and off like a faucet is a key issue. Your explanation for having the date was plausible, but if you wanted to stay with her, you might have offered to cancel the date if she wants to give it a serious try again.

 

There's nothing wrong with you dating during this on/off period. I'd do the same and have done. I won't say it can't cause more trouble, because it was during one of these my recent bf slept with my friend/roommate and caused a chasm that could never be mended, even though I still know him decades later. But, you know, maybe that was info I needed!

 

It sounds like she doesn't want a commitment that will lead to, for example, marriage and can't see being with you every day. But honestly, that is more because of her age, I think. She's about 24, and she is still changing and still exploring, as she should be at her age. You, on the other hand, are nearing the age where if you want a family and marriage, you will soon be thinking along those lines. So if she's nowhere near it, you're both wasting your time.

 

I think more talking is in order. Ask her what she sees for her future in the next five years. Tell her what you see for yours. Ask her to try to be objective about whether that could include you or not, or if you're too far apart.

 

I find it a little odd that her main complaint is you're not doing enough with her, wanting you to go out and things, but part of that is also her youth. So you need to sort out if she's always going to be on the move (which even she may not know) or whether you are always going to be happier being more laid back at home. Be honest with each other.

 

There are plenty of people you can love very much but not live with or make a life with. Just accept that. To make a life with requires compatible goals and to be at the right life stage and to be on the same page enough that there's not major conflict. If it's torture for you, you don't want to spend the next 20 years going out with her friends. Of course, by the time everyone has friends, all that remains of that is pretty much playdates -- even worse!

 

Sit and talk. Be honest with yourself and with her. Offer to put off your date until you talk. Good luck. Don't make promises you can't keep. If it's true, tell her honestly, Look, I get you're young and active. I'm heading toward couch potato-dom.