Jump to content

He wanted to stay friends and I said no


Recommended Posts

Hi guys, I'm new here and need your advice.

 

This has been a rollercoaster with this guy. I met him in October last year and we have been dating until 3 weeks ago.

 

In January we had a big argument, he was very cold and distant after that and withdrawn for days, then came back saying he doesn't know anymore if he wants to be with me, and I was in tears and decided to break up with him.

 

It didn't last long and after less than a week we were together again.

 

So a month later we had another argument and this time he broke up with me. It didn't last longer either, in a week we were together again.

 

So since that things seemed to be running in a more smooth way between us, no arguments, we were doing plans to do this and go there, etc.

 

Then we were supposed to meet on a Sunday evening for dinner and on Sunday morning all of a sudden he decided to send me a text breaking up, saying he can't go on he is always anxious about our relationship and wishes for me to find the right man who can be there for me but is not him.

 

I was left devastated, especially because there was no conversation, nothing. Just a text message and goodbye. It was very cold and dry. I responded ok I understand and wish you well.

 

I was depressed for the following 2 weeks, missing him terribly, confused, etc. But there was no contact in those 2 weeks.

 

Then last week he started following me on social media and then sent me a text asking to be friends.

 

I said ok but was a bit confused about the "friends" thing.

 

So since that we have been texting all day everyday like we used to do when we were together, but this time as "friends", despite the fact I felt him a lot more distant than before.

 

I started to feel really unconfortable with this "friends" thing and feeling it makes no sense after all we went through and recently.

 

How can you cope with someone saying "I love you", making plans with you, then breaking up and now wanting to be just friends all in the space of 2 weeks? :confused:

 

I also felt he was being selfish, because he was probably missing me and wanted the contact and connection, but whilst keeping me on the shelf. It's not fair on me.

 

I am the type of woman that either you are man enough and want to apologize and make things work between us, or just be man enough to own you breaking up and deal with it on your own.

 

Having contact and connection with me is a privilege that ended when he broke up with me, right?

 

So yesterday I sent him a message saying how I feel: I can't stay friends and texting all day like we used to do when we were together, that I am still trying to understand and process the break-up which came out of the blue and is still very recent, and that maybe in the future we can be friends but for now I think each should move on with their lives.

 

He responded in a very short message saying he agrees that texting everyday is not healthy and for me to take care.

 

I feel relieved now but a bit confused. I guess deep down I still like him and wish he would have made a move and we could try again,but he didn't and just wanted to be "friends" and that was hurting me on top of the break-up.

 

A friend of mine said that if he truly loves me he would be a proper man and come after me.

 

Maybe that's right, and I do want a man that does that, after all it was him breaking up. But I do feel happy with myself for telling no we can't be friends, out of self-respect.

 

Can you please give me some perspective on this? Why the heck did he want to be friends only after 2 weeks of breaking up? Why wasn't he making a move? Did I make the right thing at the end?

 

And thank you for reading!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most people who extend the branch of friendship after a break up do it because they hate being the source of someone else's pain. It's a case of trying to have their cake & eat it too not realizing how painful it is for the person who wants more.

 

Let him have the "label" of "friends," but not the behavior, meaning when you see each other there is no drama but there is no deliberate routine communication.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

"Let's stay friends" translation -- "I want you to sit on the back burner and be in waiting for when none of my other options work out and I get lonely and/or need to get laid and/or because I think breadcrumbs will help us both feel better".

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

3 breakups already? This relationship has ZERO chance. Tell him there is no friendship and to never contact you again. Move on. And in the future, NEVER break up unless you mean it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Most people who extend the branch of friendship after a break up do it because they hate being the source of someone else's pain. It's a case of trying to have their cake & eat it too not realizing how painful it is for the person who wants more.

 

Let him have the "label" of "friends," but not the behavior, meaning when you see each other there is no drama but there is no deliberate routine communication.

 

He doesn't realize how painful it is because he has always been selfish throughout the relationship.

 

Everything had always to be on his own terms. He only cares about himself and what's good for him, so it's no surprise to me he wants to be "friends" without ANY conversation about the break-up and ignoring how I feel about it.

 

He can stick the cake where the sun doesn't shine.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
"Let's stay friends" translation -- "I want you to sit on the back burner and be in waiting for when none of my other options work out and I get lonely and/or need to get laid and/or because I think breadcrumbs will help us both feel better".

 

Well I don't have time to make conversation with people just because they feel lonely, I also don't get laid with "friends", and certainly am not the type of woman to be on the backburner of any man or accept breadcrumbs.

 

If he did the "friends" thing with that intention, well I hope he never comes back.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
3 breakups already? This relationship has ZERO chance. Tell him there is no friendship and to never contact you again. Move on. And in the future, NEVER break up unless you mean it.

 

I agree. Three break-ups is basically a final break-up waiting to happen.

 

I told him already there is no friendship and for both to move on with our lives.

 

I did mean it with I broke up. I shouldn't have returned to the relationship afterwards.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You did the right thing. The guy is only going to cause you pain if he wants you as a friend but wants to go out with others.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, the most likely scenario with guy exes who make a point of breaking up and then wanting to be friends is mostly to convince themself they didn't hurt you that bad. But then they will put themselves out there and get rejected and come to you for validation and even try to sleep with you while crying on your shoulder. Doesn't sound like you're naive enough to go for that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
He doesn't realize how painful it is because he has always been selfish throughout the relationship.

 

Everything had always to be on his own terms. He only cares about himself and what's good for him, so it's no surprise to me he wants to be "friends" without ANY conversation about the break-up and ignoring how I feel about it.

 

He can stick the cake where the sun doesn't shine.

 

Sounds like you didn't really need a breakup conversation if you were already aware that he wasn't meeting your needs. Anyway, you made the right choice to not be friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You did the right thing. The guy is only going to cause you pain if he wants you as a friend but wants to go out with others.

 

I don't know if he wants to go out with others, or if he wanted to get back together with me but didn't want to say it openly.

 

The only thing I know is that I don't want the "friends" situation, I want either to be together or move on. I don't like situations where you're not together but we're not apart as well. It keeps me stuck and prevents me from meeting someone better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Yeah, the most likely scenario with guy exes who make a point of breaking up and then wanting to be friends is mostly to convince themself they didn't hurt you that bad. But then they will put themselves out there and get rejected and come to you for validation and even try to sleep with you while crying on your shoulder. Doesn't sound like you're naive enough to go for that.

 

Exactly.

 

I'm not naive and I want a man who wants me without any doubts. A man that doesn't want to go out with others because he only wants me. That's it. I don't do "crumbs".

 

If it's not him, he can go on and find someone else to cry on their shoulder.

 

And yes, he did hurt me that bad. One day he was saying "I love you" and making plans with me, and literally the next day on Sunday morning he sends me a dry and cold text saying he wants to break up.

 

No more conversation, nothing. Just that cold text. So yeah, it did hurt me. He needs to deal with it on his own now just like I'm doing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sounds like you didn't really need a breakup conversation if you were already aware that he wasn't meeting your needs. Anyway, you made the right choice to not be friends.

 

Well, if his idea was to be "friends" after the break-up, then yes we needed to have a proper break-up conversation, not just a cold dry break-up text.

 

To me a friend is someone you talk openly about things and solve things. So how can he want to be friends after breaking up like that?

 

Ridiculous. If he doesn't have boundaries, I do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He can call this whatever he wants. You don't have to buy in. If blocking him will cause more drama because he will confront you somehow, just set something up so his messages go into a different folder where you don't see them. Or read & delete. It's up to you but you are not obligated to respond. You know you are broken up & that you will be going about your life without him it.

 

The only reason I am advocating letting his call this "friends" is that I hate to see you waste more time & energy being tethered to him trying to define the terms of the separation. Whether he calls you friends, enemies, or a caramel ice sundae, the fact remains that you are no longer dating. That is the only thing that matters. Draw your boundary where you get want you want - to be apart -- with the least amount of effort & drama.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
He can call this whatever he wants. You don't have to buy in. If blocking him will cause more drama because he will confront you somehow, just set something up so his messages go into a different folder where you don't see them. Or read & delete. It's up to you but you are not obligated to respond. You know you are broken up & that you will be going about your life without him it.

 

The only reason I am advocating letting his call this "friends" is that I hate to see you waste more time & energy being tethered to him trying to define the terms of the separation. Whether he calls you friends, enemies, or a caramel ice sundae, the fact remains that you are no longer dating. That is the only thing that matters. Draw your boundary where you get want you want - to be apart -- with the least amount of effort & drama.

 

Thank you. I have done that.

 

I told him that this being "friends" after all we went through recently doesn't work for me. Also told him I am still processing the break-up and still don't understand it totally, because it came out of the blue.

 

Also told him that maybe in the future we can be friends, but now I think it's in our best interest if he moves on with his life and I move on with mine.

 

He responded saying he agrees and that he thinks that doing this texting all day everyday is not healthy, hopes all goes well for me.

 

And no more messaging took place.

 

He stopped following me on social media after this, so I guess he was pis*** off. I didn't delete his number or blocked him on the phone, and neither did he, but I guess in the near future I'll do that.

 

I don't think he'll be contacting me again after this, because it was like I broke up with him again from "being friends".

 

I could have been very dramatic and call him selfish and etc, but I didn't. I just wanted to stop the insanity and now just want to move on with my life, take my lessons and meet someone different in the future.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Probably for the best. So sorry you're hurting, but I guess finding out earlier than later is better than having an even longer investment. Don't worry about what he needs. Just do what you need to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Probably for the best. So sorry you're hurting, but I guess finding out earlier than later is better than having an even longer investment. Don't worry about what he needs. Just do what you need to do.

 

Thank you. It got to a point after the break-ups that I started to realize he had narcissistic tendencies, and he liked me chasing him after the break-up to say I miss you and etc. Maybe that's what he wanted now too.

 

Anyway I'm deleting his number from my phone as I don't want anything else to do with him. I'm not hurting as much anymore, now that I clearly see who he is, I'm relieved.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

That's great. You know, we get a lot of people on here who just can't accept reality and hang on that the person will change. I guess we've all been like that when younger until we learn.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...