My second breakup and my second time here

[Backtolife]

I deal with breakups unbelievably bad. Im a now 26 year old man and i have had 2 serious girlfriends.

 

The first one was in high school, we dated for a mere 10 months and i was heartbroken for more than a year. I felt it every day with tears for more than a year. But i knew there was a way out of it.

 

Then on a new years eve i met my recent ex. I had turned 20 the week before, and she was 18. I instantly was intrigued by her, she seemed mysterious. We slept together but didnt have sex, we started texting the next day. After a while i invited her to my place, i picked her up and we had pizza and soda and chilled on my couch. We had sex and i was immediately in love. Then she told me she was a virgin, she had never had another boyfriend. Her romantic life started with me, and i mistreated her. I have possibly damaged her forever. I am so unbelievably sad.

 

I grew to love this woman more than anyone in my rather lonely life. I have a couple of long distance friendships and two divorced parents, but thats that. The bond i formed with this woman is something so special to me. We faced a lot of trouble together, we moved to the capital of our country together from a little town. We ended up losing many apartments, moving and moving. But we stayed there for years and my life, our life was there.

 

We ended up losing a final apartment due to external factors, and she decided we had to move back. I wanted to follow her, but i was so sad and depressed that this kept happening. I followed her back but for a month i didnt get better. I was so bitter. I was shutting off my feelings for months, anger was my most common feeling. We would still have fun and laugh and love, but the bad days kept getting more common. We would trigger each other more and more. I said some terrible things, yelled at her.

 

One day when she got home from work i had slept on the couch and was moody, she was happy. It was the final straw and she said it, i cant do it anymore. She went to her parents and we met up a couple of times after.

 

My things are gone from our apartment, its hers now. We talk here and there but the distance is growing.

 

The worst part is i have been here before, and that was a measly 10 month relationship in high school. I know deep inside that this will haunt me for years to come. This wonderful woman i shared my entire 20s with is the meaning of life to me. I dont know how to reprogram. I wanted a family with her, i wanted her to be my partner through this mad life.

 

We talk about these things, but i know the trust is broken. I can hear in her voice that she needs to go find herself. That she NEEDS this. And it hurts me so much, because i know that what i need is her. I know eventually time will heal, but i don't want it to. I want to be with her forever. Other women look alien to me. I am so deeply dissapointed and resentful of myself.

[BeRespectful]

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. From what you've wrote you haven't done anything wrong and neither has she. Sometimes things just don't work out and trying your best isn't enough to save things.

 

I know you're feeling guilty but I want you to know that you didn't do anything wrong or bad. Made mistakes? Sure. We all make mistakes, even the best couple in the world has made mistakes in their relationship. But as long as you were genuine and true which it sounds like you were, you don't need to hold a such a burden of guilt. Learn from your mistakes but forgive yourself for human error.

 

Forgiveness is an important step. You deserve to forgive yourself, and I'm sure you loved her with all your heart and tried your best

[samjam7]

Same here. I only recently got broken up with and I don't know yet if there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't know if I will live with this pain forever.

[vinnyfl]

Breakups are a part of the dating process. We trying different people with the hope that eventually, we will find the right match for us and marry them with less odds of a divorce than 50/50.

 

I went through 4 relationships to find my wife of 47 years. Went through about 20 girlfriends to find 4 that I wanted to have a serious relationship with. That is the beauty of dating before marriage. You can try different partners and learn what you like and how to behave in a relationship before you commit to a marriage that is costly and emotionally difficult to end.

 

So now is the time for test driving many partners and if it does not work out, just dust yourself off and find someone else. There is always someone else and always others that are a lot better than what you had in the past. Do not view a breakup as an end but rather a new beginning to find someone better.

 

Also, don’t take advice from strangers on the internet. We have no idea of who you are or the details of your life other than your version of them and even then they are not detailed enough for anyone to give you advice. If you need real advice, try a therapist. I did and it helped a lot. We all tend to view ourselves differently than others do. The problem is alway them and never us. Many times we are the problem. We repeat bad behavior without even knowing it. We expect too much of our partners since no one can fulfill all of our needs and yet many of us expect them too. That breeds resentment and starts the breakup or cheating.

 

Others form relationships with the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Regular sex is a big one for guys and they will hang in there as long as they get sex and someone to date on the weekends with his friends. Others just want to be in a relationship because all of their friends are and will grab the first person they find who is willing without looking too closely as to why.

 

My first relationship ended when she cheated on me. So did my second one. y third was a con artist and took money from me to fly to my country to get married but never showed up. The last one is my wife. Met her accidentally on a train coming home from work. Got engaged in 3 weeks and married 47 years now. Just keep plugging away and stop worrying about the ones who got away.

[FerDeLance]

I am guessing that maybe your story needs to be seen in a more appropriate cultural context. When you said “capital of your country,” I assumed that you are not in the U.S. or Western country. My background is Asian and relationships for many people I know were sacred. Even if something is wrong couples around me (friends and relatives), would try to keep the marriage afloat at all cost. It seems that you have found the woman that as you said, “you want to be with forever.” I would consider two options, one is to accept that she is gone and move on. Learn how to reprogram, find help to reprogram and forget about her. But you said you don’t want to heal. The other option is offer her a better, more mature and more stable man, the next time you have an opportunity. In many parts of the world, counseling has not caught up, not available or looked down upon. If that is true in your area, find help somewhere else like books or online or even take online courses on how to navigate relationships. I am also thinking that maybe immaturity is involved and given that you only had one previous relationship, you might still have a lot to learn. And in some cultures (again I am assuming cultural differences here), men are not accustomed to expressing feelings so they shut down or shut off and it builds up anger within. So I am advising that if she meets next time a more “mature,” more assured yet more humble, and more reasonable guy such that she will think “this is the guy I want to be with forever,” then things will hopefully be different.