He broke up with me and now wants to be friends?

[missgirl2019]

Me and this guy met on an online dating app last year and have been dating since, with some periods of disagreements but it was all very intense and we were madly in love.

 

We had a disagreement a month ago but decided to continue but then two weeks ago he sent me a message saying he has a lot of anxiety in regards to the relationship and can't continue.

 

I was left devastated, because the day before he was saying he loves me and we were making plans to do this and that and go places, etc.

 

So in the last 2 weeks we didn't talk to each other and I was very heartbroken and sad, crying every day.

 

He started following me on social media a few days later but I didn't do the same.

 

Now 2 days ago he sent me a message asking if we can stay friends. I was so happy to hear from him and said yes and we have been texting each other as friends all day from morning to evening since 2 days ago.

 

Before he texted me I was already convinced we were not getting back together and was trying to move on even without closure or a proper conversation.

 

Now we're texting each other it has brough up all my feelings for him, which are not just friendship.

 

I miss him a lot, think about him all the time and want to be with him. And I don't like this situation.

 

I don't know if the "being friends" thing is just an excuse to get close to me again, or if he really means it. For example, last night at 2am he was clicking like on my Instagram photos...

 

I don't think it makes sense to stay friends and text as friends all day after all we went through. We were in love with each other. I can't just be friends, I'm not being honest to myself.

 

And also not talking about the break-up, when I still have so many questions on my mind.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I just continue casually talking to him hoping he says something? Should I open up and say how I feel about "being friends"?

 

I could just text casually and see what happens, but it's too painful already afer just 2 days.

 

Please some advice!

[FMW]

Guys don't usually just want to be friends, especially with ex girlfriends. So I'm guessing he's trying to keep the door open in case he wants to come back at a later date.

 

It's already hurting you, so I would recommend being straight with him and tell him you can't just be friends, you either date or end the relationship completely. You have to be willing to let him go though in case that's the way he goes with it. He has to see that he can't have it both ways.

[missgirl2019]

Guys don't usually just want to be friends, especially with ex girlfriends. So I'm guessing he's trying to keep the door open in case he wants to come back at a later date.

 

It's already hurting you, so I would recommend being straight with him and tell him you can't just be friends, you either date or end the relationship completely. You have to be willing to let him go though in case that's the way he goes with it. He has to see that he can't have it both ways.

 

Yes I feel he is doing that, like putting me on the shelf in case he wants to come back at a later stage.

 

But I'm not the type of woman to be put on a shelf. I'm either date or end totally.

 

Because it was being hard to move on and not having contact with him, but this now of texting him all day just hurts more because it makes me missing him a lot and I feel I can't say anything. I can't say I miss him, I can't say I want to see you, etc.

 

And if he can do things like this and not feeling he wants to be with me, what's the point?

 

I want a man who wants to be with me period.

[emeraldgreen]

What he wants is irrelevant. If you want more then less is not a substitute.

[Fair]

Go on youtube lots of great videos that explain why it's not in your best interest to stay friends with an ex.

[missgirl2019]

Go on youtube lots of great videos that explain why it's not in your best interest to stay friends with an ex.

 

Well thank you, but I went on YT and watched some videos related to it and some said it is a bad idea to stay friends, but other videos said it is a good idea. lol

 

So it made me even more confused.

[missgirl2019]

What he wants is irrelevant. If you want more then less is not a substitute.

 

I do want more, because I already have male friends and I can always make new ones.

 

With him it was never just friends, so now texting each other as just friends is weird to say the least.

 

He keeps sending me messages just like we used to text each other when we were together, less the "I love you" part. Even this morning sent me a good morning message and etc.

 

This makes me really confused.

[elaine567]

Research showed top reason men in general wanted to be friends with exes is to have access to sex, women tend to just want to be friends...

 

Dumpers tend to find it easy to be friends with exes as they are rarely emotionally invested, they may feel lonely or sad or depressed, but they don't want to get back together usually. They can use the familiar ex to help them get back on the horse... once back on board they leave the ex in the dust...

 

Dumpees find it very difficult as they are emotionally invested, heartbroken and tend to want to get back together.

[missgirl2019]

Research showed top reason men in general wanted to be friends with exes is to have access to sex, women tend to just want to be friends...

 

Dumpers tend to find it easy to be friends with exes as they are rarely emotionally invested, they may feel lonely or sad or depressed, but they don't want to get back together usually. They can use the familiar ex to help them get back on the horse... once back on board they leave the ex in the dust...

 

Dumpees find it very difficult as they are emotionally invested, heartbroken and tend to want to get back together.

 

Well in this case there's no access to sex because I don't have sex with "friends", so that's out of the question.

 

Also, we don't even see each other, is just texting (as friends).

 

I don't want to be just friends either, I miss him and would want to be back together.

 

That's my question here, is he just finding it hard not talking to me, and is using the texting to help him move on, or did he realise he has made a mistake by breaking up and now the "friends" thing is just an excuse to get closer again because he doesn't know how I feel in regards to him and he doesn't want to be rejected if he opens up?

 

That's my question at the moment.

[elaine567]

Has he actually said anything about making a mistake or getting back together?

if not, then you need to ask him and clarify the position.

Otherwise you could spend a very long time being "friends", to no avail.

 

Some guys will also do this to stop you dating others, he keeps you on hold whilst he plays the field.

He doesn't actually want you but he cannot bear the thought of you with some other guy... so he keeps popping up to mess with your head.

[mortensorchid]

Close the books and move on. Friendship is not what be is offering you.

[missgirl2019]

Has he actually said anything about making a mistake or getting back together?

if not, then you need to ask him and clarify the position.

Otherwise you could spend a very long time being "friends", to no avail.

 

Some guys will also do this to stop you dating others, he keeps you on hold whilst he plays the field.

He doesn't actually want you but he cannot bear the thought of you with some other guy... so he keeps popping up to mess with your head.

 

No he hasn't said anything up until now.

 

It really doesn't stop me dating others. Actually I have a friend that knows someone she says would be great for me and want us to meet this weekend and I said yes and am meeting him tonight. So, it doesn't stop me dating others.

 

Yes I do have feelings for him but I'm not at home sitting on the sofa waiting for him to make a move. I'm living my life like we broke up and are not together anymore.

 

But yes I don't like the friendship situation. Doesn't make sense.

[Cersei]

If I were you I would just say something like "This friendship is not really working for me. It's too hard when emotions are involved. If you want more than a friendship call me."

 

Texting him like this won't help you find someone new. You can't continue this way.

[salparadise]

No he hasn't said anything up until now.

 

It really doesn't stop me dating others. Actually I have a friend that knows someone she says would be great for me and want us to meet this weekend and I said yes and am meeting him tonight. So, it doesn't stop me dating others.

 

Yes I do have feelings for him but I'm not at home sitting on the sofa waiting for him to make a move. I'm living my life like we broke up and are not together anymore.

 

But yes I don't like the friendship situation. Doesn't make sense.

 

 

I agree with most of what the others have said; men don't typically want to be friends just for social reasons. There is almost certainly another strategy or motivation (perhaps unconsciously) underlying this guy's behavior.

 

If he's texting from daylight to dark then I suspect that he has a strong motvation to maintain connection and keep you around, but had to put the brakes on the love aspect of the relationship because he's avoidant and felt like he was losing himself, trying to control it to avoid feeling vulnerable. If this is the case, he needs to keep you close but not too close. It's a defensive strategy often used by immature or emotionally stunted people who need to feel connected but can't tolerate intimacy, can't let anyone inside their hula hoop. This is what I strongly feel is going on here.

 

A second possibility is that he's one of those guys that all women want, and he doesn't want to limit his options. But I see this as unlikely because he'd probably be driving you nuts by hittin' it occasionally, then going incommunicado...

 

You don't think he has another girlfriend do you? That could explain a lot, but I guess you'd know, or would you? Guys like regular sex. You're making yourself available and he's not interested. He's either getting it somewhere else or he's an anomaly.

 

Regardless of the underlying reason, this guy is either unwilling or unable to have a real relationship with you. I'd give him a soft ultimatum and reduce the contact. If he doesn't come back then cut him off completely and move on. Staying friends is not going to serve you well when what you really want is a relationship.

[smackie9]

Guys like him, say friendship to keep you on the back burner to get laid later in a moment of weakness. He's messing with your emotions, and giving you false hope. It's total bs and you should move on.

The only time it's good to be friends with an ex is when YOU BOTH stop seeing each other a romantic interest and the breakup was amicable.

[missgirl2019]

I agree with most of what the others have said; men don't typically want to be friends just for social reasons. There is almost certainly another strategy or motivation (perhaps unconsciously) underlying this guy's behavior.

 

If he's texting from daylight to dark then I suspect that he has a strong motvation to maintain connection and keep you around, but had to put the brakes on the love aspect of the relationship because he's avoidant and felt like he was losing himself, trying to control it to avoid feeling vulnerable. If this is the case, he needs to keep you close but not too close. It's a defensive strategy often used by immature or emotionally stunted people who need to feel connected but can't tolerate intimacy, can't let anyone inside their hula hoop. This is what I strongly feel is going on here.

 

A second possibility is that he's one of those guys that all women want, and he doesn't want to limit his options. But I see this as unlikely because he'd probably be driving you nuts by hittin' it occasionally, then going incommunicado...

 

You don't think he has another girlfriend do you? That could explain a lot, but I guess you'd know, or would you? Guys like regular sex. You're making yourself available and he's not interested. He's either getting it somewhere else or he's an anomaly.

 

Regardless of the underlying reason, this guy is either unwilling or unable to have a real relationship with you. I'd give him a soft ultimatum and reduce the contact. If he doesn't come back then cut him off completely and move on. Staying friends is not going to serve you well when what you really want is a relationship.

 

I think it is most probably what you said first, about him wanting me close but avoiding being vulnerable.

 

When we were together he didn't like much to be vulnerable and would back away from disagreements.

 

We did have a few disagreements that were becoming exhausting.

 

I don't know if he is affraid we might go back to that if we get back together.

 

I don't agree when you said "Guys like regular sex. You're making yourself available and he's not interested."

 

I didn't make myself available for sex! I agreed with staying friends. He doesn't even know if I want to go back to a relationship with him.

[missgirl2019]

If I were you I would just say something like "This friendship is not really working for me. It's too hard when emotions are involved. If you want more than a friendship call me."

 

Texting him like this won't help you find someone new. You can't continue this way.

 

I'm heading that way to say that, the only thing is that is so good to keep in touch with him. But I'm getting to a point where I feel I'm not being honest with myself.

 

I mean, this is not just about what he wants. He wanted to break up and I had no say in it. Then he wants to stay friends and I have to agree too? What about what I want, right?

[missgirl2019]

Guys like him, say friendship to keep you on the back burner to get laid later in a moment of weakness. He's messing with your emotions, and giving you false hope. It's total bs and you should move on.

The only time it's good to be friends with an ex is when YOU BOTH stop seeing each other a romantic interest and the breakup was amicable.

 

I think that at least before we go to the friends part, we should have a conversation about what happened at the time of the break up, because I still don't understand it totally and am lacking closure.

 

He wanted to stay friends and texting like all is well and like all is sorted is just ridiculous, because it isn't for me and I can't continue pretending it is and avoiding the subject.

 

He's not gonna get laid anyway in any moment of weakness because I don't have sex outside of a relationship.

[samjam7]

Feel free to block him if needed. I am sure he can find other friends he wasn't romantically involved with. He is treating you like an option but you are much more invested. Let go!

 

I have been there and done that staying friends thing. It only brings more heartache, wastes time and delays the process of moving on.

[salparadise]

 

I don't agree when you said "Guys like regular sex. You're making yourself available and he's not interested."

 

I didn't make myself available for sex! I agreed with staying friends. He doesn't even know if I want to go back to a relationship with him.

 

I don't mean literally (as in stop by for a quickie). He knows you'd go back with him because you've been willing to play along with whatever scraps he offers. He knows you're an option because of how compliant you are. This comment was in the context of wondering if he has someone else.

 

It would be logical that he'd be interested in staying "friends", but not sex, if he's having sex with someone else and wants to keep you as a backup. But it's not logical that he'd be wanting the emotional aspect of the relationship only if he's not getting laid elsewhere.

 

If he's not getting laid at all, yet wants to stay close as friends only... something seems very wrong. Maybe it's a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend and he's keeping it on the down low.

 

But the reasons aren't nearly as important as the fact that this isn't what you want.

[missgirl2019]

I don't mean literally (as in stop by for a quickie). He knows you'd go back with him because you've been willing to play along with whatever scraps he offers. He knows you're an option because of how compliant you are. This comment was in the context of wondering if he has someone else.

 

It would be logical that he'd be interested in staying "friends", but not sex, if he's having sex with someone else and wants to keep you as a backup. But it's not logical that he'd be wanting the emotional aspect of the relationship only if he's not getting laid elsewhere.

 

If he's not getting laid at all, yet wants to stay close as friends only... something seems very wrong. Maybe it's a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend and he's keeping it on the down low.

 

But the reasons aren't nearly as important as the fact that this isn't what you want.

 

Well actually he's wrong if he thinks like that.

 

For all he knows, I agreed to stay friends and yes I do like him. It's a different story going back together as a romantic couple.

 

I still feel hurt with him breaking up with me and there are still things I don't understand. So is not a case of me running back to him like that.

 

I don't even know if I trust him enough to go back to be honest, or if I am ready to go back.

 

So no, I'm not an option.

 

"But it's not logical that he'd be wanting the emotional aspect of the relationship only if he's not getting laid elsewhere."

 

I don't think that's not logical. Maybe he does want to get laid with me but doesn't want to go back to a relationship, so he's dragging this along with staying "friends" and see what happens.